Imagine the man that walked the streets skilled with a pipe wrench. For years, he found work everywhere he was needed. He knew and understood that this pipe wrench was the vehicle behind his purpose. That is, until he lost it. Losing that pipe wrench potentially meant losing his one purpose in life and so grief struck. Confusion hit to toss him to and fro. For days, he wrestled with his own mind as to what to do now.
As he walked the streets aimlessly looking for his respite, he was summoned by someone that needed his services. Too afraid to say he could no longer help, he went anyway with hopes in finding some other way to fix their issue. To his surprise, he found that in fact he didn't need the pipe wrench anymore as he came to understand that what drove his purpose was not anything that he held in his hand. What drove his purpose was inside him waiting to be discovered independant from all things external and he developed new ways to fix what needed fixing without his blessed pipe wrench.
Years later he found it again. He didn't despise it or hate that it had become to centerpiece of his worth but he gladly used it alongside his newfound potentiate...God's gifts by grace given unto men...
My people, I am quite alright. With all that I "apparently" lose...I gain something new right alongside it. That all I lose would not be lost but instead placed where it will serve toward the betterment of all. I know who and what I am as that will never change but all that is added to me renders me a heavier beast to tow...and I'm ok with that. Such is life and for those who know it, grief will never overtake their soul..much love...
And now for a little fictitious skit for you kiddos out there...
"Sleep, rest and recovery...all needed in ways that you couldn't imagine yet something happened on the way to recovery....
Somebody made a "suggestion" to me:
"Wouldn't it be great to just leave everything behind? Everyone you've known and loved. Everyone you helped. All your online ID's and your writing? Yes, they bring you great joy but they are also the cause for most of your stress and confusion..." "Forget who you were yesterday and become someone else tomorrow"...
You know what kind of people make "suggestions" like this? Pussies that are too afraid to face men like me and use words that by right may or may not require demands but are too weak to do anything themselves. I respect the man or woman that is open is honest with me and doesn't hide behind any kind of bullshit to make them seem bigger than they are. I "see" everyone. I "see" how big you are and how big you "think" you are and I'm sad to say that alot of folks have misplaced delusions of grandeur. Here is something that is certain: I cannot be influenced or intimidated, my standing in My Lord will never allow either to take place lol Furthermore, I become a danger to them that try...
So to my "suggestion"...simply put..."Stop wasting your time...use words"
Three types of people become evident when you choose to live life in transparency:
First: The type that is so used to playing everyone for some level of control that they do so even without malice. They will present facades even for the sake of good but they are hardly ever truly themselves. Seeing them for what they are, they will recoil from you because they know no other way to be and since you see through that, they find no way to exact an upper hand or stay in some form of control. You will lose these.
Second: The type that plays everyone to an extent as a defense mechanism. They are afraid of being themselves for fear of what others may think. Too strange, too crazy...uncool. These present their facades at first but once they see that you see through that and are still interested in who they are really are...you become a breath of fresh air. They know they can be themselves around you without judgement. A gift that in the long run...keeps on giving as they soon feel free enough to be themselves everywhere else.
Third: The type that doesn't play at all and just speaks whatever comes to mind. This my friends, is a transparent in the making. On the road to transparency, there are many bumps and bruises you have to be willing to take before you come to understand the wisdom of prudence. Not everything that pops into your head will "edify" and if it doesn't in the setting where you are, prudence will tell you to keep it yourself. What many do not understand is that transparency takes boldness. A boldness that is willing to be the only one among a thousand to stand up against the tide. A boldness that will risk being humiliated by the crowd due to your stance. A boldness that sees being true to oneself as more important than keeping friends around that don't know the real you and wouldn't accept you if they did. These transparents in the making will think you "soft" for your prudence at first but you will just chuckle because they will soon come round to the wisdom of prudence.
My blog has lately served as my only distraction away from my projects. Today, necessitated another. I am always glad to be able to "see". Anyway...back to my labors of "love"...
There is no greater constant than how I see love. There is nothing greater than that for me since I came to know it through my King. I don't care what religion you subscribe to or what your heaven looks like. In my case, I learned how to love through the power of the sacrifice of Christ. The many times I fell short and the innumerable times I've turned my back, He has always shown me immeasurable grace. Ours is a friendship that has spanned the course of child, student, teacher, minister to finally...friend. I to Him am one of those He refers to when He says "I have this friend, he's a good egg with issues but those issues never prevented my ability to teach him well". Folks, I found the perfect purity of love in Him and have since been blessed to understand how to translate that love into human terms. Sounds academic for something as lofty as love huh? Yet it is the way of most things. Everything has it's engine and if you want to master anything, take it apart and find out how and why it works.
You start with something perfect and pure operating as it should. Study it and figure out how it is meant to work. Then you look to apply it by looking at real world examples in humans. You begin to see how something with a mark of 10 on the purity scale could drop substantial points once infected by human frailty. Love is, at best, impure among us mortals so our best is to understand it in it's purity and come as close to it as we can. The closest I ever could come was in the heart of the human parent. I could never understand the many times my mother showed grace to us when we didn't deserve it. A logical mind would dismiss a soul that has treated them badly but there are times when love requires us to transcend the logic we live by. She would tell us, "So long as I have a roof over my head...you will too...no matter what" and she has proven her love time and time again. When I became a parent, this love crystallized into something palpable and expected until now...it has become commonplace for me.
Yet I find myself at times torn between the love I live and the unrealistic expectations placed upon that love. Some assume that love can overcome consequence but I will tell you now that if you smack me across the face to test my love, I will continue to love you after I have smacked you back twice as hard . To believe that one deserves love simply because it is professed to them irrespective of what they do or say is the epitome of arrogance. Forgiveness is plentiful in love and comes even without asking but consequence is something forgiveness can never blot out. Everything has it's cause and effect. Oftentimes I am perplexed to see some get upset when my stance rightfully changes towards them due to something occurring. It makes no difference if what is occurring is good or bad because most times, it's just life as has been the case with me many a time. If it requires me to move, then I must. I'll give you an example: You do your best to build a ledge for three to fit comfortably but wait, the person you are building it with doesn't understand why it should be built for three so you digress and this beautiful ledge for two is built. Three people cannot stand on a ledge built for two. Build it for three and I'll be fine but don't expect me to hang on for dear life as I'm shoved off with nowhere to stand. It works for no one. I may find myself having to move but rest assured...I am still somewhere close by. My love lives without rules. Me on the other hand? Yeah, I have rules...
To those that have known me for years...I have proven it. They can attest that no matter how long between the times we've spoken or seen each other, there is never been or ever shall be a change in my heart for them. Even in the midst of disagreements and misunderstandings I am not one to quit on anyone that hasn't quit on me. So if I ever professed my love for you...understand that it is a real and constant thing. How I choose to manifest that love will always be dependant on the circumstances before me but make no mistake...I will always be pretty damn close. In the end, all can change, my love will not...accept it. Now whether one does or doesn't, it is the only thing I cannot control...so I don't even try anymore...neither should you...much love...
If this day was the water in a cup...it'd be stale. Some might say "stale?" I'd say "Yeah...google the word"...(as though "googling" was a proper verb)
Whose response would most likely illicit a "So what's the significance of that word?" I'd say "there is no significance!!!" Then turn with a slight smirk...
Sometimes there is no deeper meaning than what you are reading right now but sometimes...just sometimes...there is...
"As she said goodnight, my eyes had not yet acclimated to the lights being turned off. Her walk seemed ominous as she disappeared into the darkness of the room...as if into darkness itself"
"Quick-witted, stick-fitted and shut off from all peers doomed unto a uniqueness extinction by the very nature of their souls direction brought on by nothing short of dullen infection. Cry out for respite from all the lonely un-alone in this wonderwheel it's on called life. Yeah, my little one, call it wife when it's altogether something different. Lie to it's life and make it believe the untruth of it's make believe existence until the wake-up call comes as it supposed to...too fuckin late. Forever I can quantify out of the lie most think it is but who has time for "too fuckin late?"...time to wake up to songbirds and sunsets. If you could see them, you can share them..."
Tell me please how many of you boys have an attractive girlfriend that personally believe she is above your physical league? Ok, you on the left there with the big ass ears. Yes...you. Listen to me very carefully. I know you can with them ears. Your girl is into ears!!! Stop makin her feel bad because growin up your uncle constantly said "taxi!!!" and you developed a complex. Be happy that you have a hot girlfriend that sees something in you that you do not.
Now, I'm making light of a serious issue I feel the need to address since I have noticed myself to be a "trigger" for insecure boyfriends. Most of whom need not feel insecure in the slightest!!! Have you ever been standing on a train platform listening to your music, mindin your own damn business as a couple walks towards you. The girl looks your way and the boyfriend decides to block her view with his body. I have even seen boyfriends fuckin mouth "don't look at him!!!" until he feels the need to move from my view altogether. I get that shit in real life and I get it on social media. It is disgusting and sad to me when any display must be made based on something that is solely going on inside his insecure little mind. It has even made me change cars at times to spare the girl any more embarrassment and so begins my screed...
Insecurity is catalyzed by two main protagonists. First, the one that is self-inflicted. This is the one that doesn't know or cannot accept their level of attraction or inner worth. The second is caused by betrayal. This is the one that has been cheated on and is not looking for repeat so they will do everything in their power to exact a level of control that is unhealthy for any relationship. As for you insecure folk? You are most likely in the first category and have an unexplained hot woman that is head over heels for you. Your insecurities have you asking why. So let me talk at you all for a bit...
There are two reasons women choose the "so-so" over the "wow". First, you have the insecure women that want to be able to say without saying "I'm the best you'll get so don't fuck up". These women mistakenly believe that you will be a great catch and give her anything she wants but what she rarely ever adds into that equation is the insecurities that may exacerbate in you simply because she chose you. You may come to believe she is using you for whatever reason because of course, she can't be with you for you right? She must be fuckin the "wow" everytime she leaves your side. You will then do one of two things: Be passive in your discontent showing just signs that you are unhappy when she gets accolades from another or you will blatantly hound her on what she's doing and who she's with. Either case will seal your fate unless she is of the other kind...
The second woman just sees in you a good man. She's had the "wow" and found them superficial and empty so she sought out the "so-so" and found gold in you. Read that last part again..."gold". You have value to her and she is sticking with you no matter what. That is, until you fuck it up by your insecurities. There is one thing you have to understand my friend. No matter what fine ass woman you score irrespective of her intent, if you feel that she is above you physically and that her suitors are even higher, then your insecurities will always be a problem for both of you. It all depends on how you see yourself. Some of you are straight grimey and some women dig that but stand next to someone that isn't and you will feel like less. So if you know you can clean up nice then do so. Let her see that she has more in you than the "nice guy". Now, if you clean up nice and she starts to complain? Red flag that shit because chances are she is the insecure kind that went for you because she wanted the physical upper-hand. If she gets all giddy and wants to show you off, then she is for you as you are and is elated that her choice not only runs excellent, but has a great exterior as well.
Normally I would be telling women to choose equal or above their pay-grade when it comes to physical attraction due to the insecurity issue but since I've done that already, I figured I'd give my boys some advice. I have a brother that had himself a fine ass woman that got hit on everywhere she went. He did not see himself in her league so to overcompensate for his physical shortcomings, he 1) Rocked her in bed and 2) Paid her bills and literally kept her home in order. Yet still with all this, there were things she would do in front of him he considered disrespectful because she knew his insecurities. After 8 months of her giving him shit in different ways, I gave him some advice.
I let him know that after all he's been doing, he not only deserved her respect but gratitude as well as any real human being would offer freely. I let him know that she was well aware she would never find another him and that it was time he voiced his displeasure with what was bothering him. Now I'm not talking about some petty shit she was doing. I just can't say what she was doing because it would give away who I'm talking about but I can tell you that anyone that would hear it would say he was crazy to take it...even women. Gents, he put his foot down and she complied. To keep him, she became a better woman...for awhile. Old habits die hard and he finally said "fuck it". You know why he said "fuck it?" He found the thing he was missing within himself. His value...
I don't give a shit how fine she is and how many men want to do her. If she has chosen you in earnest, then you shouldn't have a thing to worry about nor should you need assurances every 5 minutes as her character will do that on it's own. If she decides to fuck shit up? Then be happy that you lost someone that didn't deserve you and move the fuck on whistling a tune. Don't ever allow your insecurities to become the reason for your break-up. Use this opportunity to see the greater man she sees in you. Once you do...own it my brothers...I'm out
"Heavy" is the feeling one has in their spirit when something isn't right. When something is way off balance due to a "happening" taking place on the inside or out.
Sometimes we get stuck. Stuck in things and places we thought were safe. Places we came to find at depth...were just not for us but have decided to put a blind eye to that glaring reality. Such is the case with most band-aids. What was supposed to be a temporary fix until you made it the hospital for proper care, turned out to only make the wound worse and may just turn out to be the very thing that is now preventing you from ever making it to the hospital at all. Yet you insist via two schools of thought: "this is the best I can do for now..." and "maybe this can work...". A struggle with two sides that no matter how you look at them, will result in a loss. Gangrene will eventually set in and without the proper care...and you will lose the limb.
Why? Pride. It's what happens when we try to outsmart our hearts or good judgment. Instead of following one or the other, we think it best to give our hearts and judgement a little something to keep them "OK". Something that only serves to drive you further away from what they were trying to lead you towards in the first place. If I have learned anything in this life worth sharing it's this: Never shortchange your heart or your good judgement. Neither can be assuaged by substitution or half-assed attempts to placate them. Follow these wholeheartedly or not at all as their council comes from an honest place. If all is in order and balanced...they will never steer you wrong...
I cannot think of anything in my life at the moment that would move me to write this for myself but if this fits in the soul of you the reader? Go back to the place in your mind where you decided to put that band-aid on and rip it off. Get to the hospital your judgement or heart was leading you to in the first place and take back your balance...I'm out
In a world of monotony that shifts only as needed, sometimes something extra is needed and it all depends on one's make-up. I am the type of person that is not naturally inclined to simply exist. I need some type of movement forward to feel normal. Others, on the other hand are content to exist without shifts or change as this provides them a sense of security and structure. Yet even in these cases where one is content in staying still, there is still the desire for something more. An evolution of sorts that marks a beginning or an end of something. I've seen small ones and I've seen big ones. Yet for me, since I have come to understand the limitless potential of the human spirit...is where I keep my focus. If there is no ceiling? The edifice is one without end...
As I build the inner man, chipping away and adding based on what is absolutely brutally true of me, I do the same for my outer man simultaneously. Since there is no end to my inner growth, then the same perspective is employed for my body and as truth must be applied for change on the inside, it also must be applied on the outside. In other words, I take the training of the weight lifter and the bodybuilder and apply both principles into my training. Why both? The weight lifter trains for strength alone while the bodybuilder trains for aesthetic. Bodybuilders look strong but usually aren't. Weight trainers look fat but are strong as bulls. So I seek the truth the aesthetic implies and train for full body functionality and strength. As it is for the inner man, so it must be for the outer man. Always adhering to brutal honesty. I don't just want to look strong and functional...I must be these things as well otherwise to me, it is akin to a man feigning care when that care should be genuine.
Some might say this is way too much thought into physical training. Having trained myself most of my life and having trained others for a time, I can tell you that motivation and/or intent is the driving force behind anything's longevity. If your reason for doing a thing has no real internal substance behind it, it will peter out without the constant external stimuli you will need to keep it going. This is why I developed a deeper meaning behind my training. I need nothing external to drive my training as it is all based on my inner man.
In this, there is real power. The power to sustain one's outer environment as it slowly moves while progressing at a steady pace in your inner environment. All at the same time. Some will do as I do while others my take a class or engage in spiritual pursuits. Allowing the mind to expand beyond it's environment without needing to change the outer world in which you live. Applied philosophy is a powerful thing once manifest. Don't ever think you've made it...even after you reach the top of the mountain you were trying to scale. Look around, find the next highest peak and scale that one next. "Think" on this...then "do" something. Much love
I can find reasons in my past for depression and regret but having come to the reality that all things are sent our way with the choice as to how we decide to receive them, I'm good in these areas. Every last one of them have come with an invaluable lesson attached and whether the lesson will come to serve me or someone else is of no consequence...they all came with a benefit.
As for my future on the other hand, I didn't prepare enough in my past to afford me greater options now and though my primary option is extremely lucrative, it comes with a somewhat heavy personal cost. It is enough to cause me anxiety. It is enough to have me procrastinate on whether or not to take that leap as there is much I desire to do staying "home". So to mitigate my anxiety, I plan for different roads that my talents can take me down which can create a whole new level of anxiety based on the unknown lol Yeah, fucked all around right? Not really because once those plans are set and executed...it's like cream cheese. Yet between planning and execution, you know what I do? I begin to do something different. I ask myself a question: "What is front of me right now?"
*Snapshot* (smile!!!)
It's 1:51 AM and I'm sitting in front of my computer screen typing away as though only a few will read this. My inbox is open in one tab, another tab is for where I get my movies, music is playing in my headphones off youtube and Facebook is on another tab. Shit I was gonna get off Facebook but someone told me they were ministered by something I wrote. It's like that every fucking time lol "Everytime I try to get out...they pull me back in!!!" OK here we go...I am missing somebody...shit I hope she's alright. I can't believe that my current thoughts are whether or not she's eating right and getting enough sleep!!! lol He better be treatin her right...fucker. I am also noticing that I used the acronym "lol" several times in this piece but that's OK because it's a "light and fluffy" one. The ones that take a bit more thought are granted more sanctity when it comes to grammar. Shit!!! I have to follow up on the lessons I sent!!! etc etc etc...
*End Snapshot* (too damn sexy!!!)
It is now 2:03 AM and I have just taken 12 whole minutes living in the now as I described it. Did any of it follow a train of thought or make much sense? Nope. Did I waste time? That all depends on whether or not I can use any of this current thought for something later on in which case I will say I did not waste any time at all Would this be as productive without this written description? Absolutely not!!! lol Yet...my anxiety is soothed. Neat little trick right? Works also if you decide to watch a graphics intensive movie. Your mind is too busy processing everything to allow it time to ruminate on shit you can't do anything about in the present which is why I choose fantasy/sci-fi stuff. Try watching "Lord Of The Rings" and see if you get distracted. Now, some folks believe living in the now constantly means "blowing off steam". Some can do that without getting into trouble, others? Not so much lol I'm not lookin to get into trouble or find something else I will need to "learn from" so I will find ways to satiate my senses with what I find within my current surroundings so no...I never get bored lol You ever been on a 10 hour flight? I will either talk to someone sitting next to me or will doodle the shit out of the emergency plan pamphlets...yeah that's me lol
Now, if you have no other "plan" and are constantly "living in the now" then I can say that you are truly wasting time and space but if you've planned, you've called and you've done all you can do. For the rest of your day and night...ask yourself the question without shame..."What is in front of me right now?"
I have no idea why I decided to write this but if it blesses one of you? Shit I'm blessed too...
You ever told people you were all excited about something happening in a certain amount of time only for that certain "something" to drag on?!? You feel foolish don't you? How about all them great plans you made in your head that just aren't going the way you thought they were supposed to go? Yeah, we've all been there and they can be a real fuckin drag because not only do they stall you but they also place doubt in the minds of those you mistakenly told your plans to.
Now considered unmet expectations. Dreams shattered and all hope now lost, you drown in a sea of self-pity, doubt and shame. Yeah...bullshit lol
Wake up from your slumber and read this like I'm a fucking drill sergeant telling you some truth. Shit happens!!! My plans and most others have back-up plans. If you don't...get some. While I wait for things that drag on, all I can do is my best to make the best of every second of every day. So what if people had expectations of you that have gone unmet. I can only live out my life for me and mine. All I can tell you is that if they are true to you then they will understand that shit happens. They will still believe in you no matter what. Those that don't? Fuck em...you never had them anyway...
I always seek progression even if it's not the progression I was expecting. I will brood in my problem for about a half a day, shake it off then figure out what to do next. I found I'm rather good at that lol Folks, not everything comes when we think we should have it. Sometimes we have to be prepared by life before we are able to accept certain blessings. Those blessings haven't gone anywhere. They are more than likely just waiting for your grip to be strong enough to pick them up. So get up, shake off your fuckin cobwebs and get your brains workin overtime for the next step until the big one you're waiting for hits. Fuck self-pity, doubt and shame...they can eat shit. Mine's comin...and so is yours...
Have you ever switched up your weight to push your muscles to grow? You've been workin with the 70 lb dumbbells and every workout still feels just as hard. You know you're ready for more but you just don't feel like pushing any harder. Then one day, you wake up to train and find out someone else has monopolized your 70's. You ain't gonna stop just because you don't have the weight you are accustomed to so you have no choice now but to upgrade. Yep...it's time for the 80's. You pick them shits up and you can feel the difference. The heavy, the hard...and shit you dig it all. Feels like a new high. Your reps drop by just two to four so as not to injure yourself but you are now in "challenge mode". Days pass and you can feel the difference in you arms, your chest and back. Your legs are satiated in beautiful soreness and your fuckin joints are creaking. All growing pains before you start seeing the fruits of your new level. One day, for shits and giggles you find those old 70's sittin on the floor. You pick them up out of curiosity and shit, they feel so fuckin light you wonder how this amount of weight could have ever been considered a challenge. You smile because you know better...
All it took to get you from there to here is at the forefront of your mind while you bask in your new level. Is this weight training...or life? I submit to you that this is indeed both as they work the same way to make us stronger. There are pivotal moments in our lives that should have broken us but instead had us rising to the occasion. These trials by fire that take us to new levels that have us bearing unanticipated extra weight. I went through such a trial just days ago and tonight I can tell you that all that once held me with pressure holds me still, but with less grip felt on my end. All that looked almost impossible is now seen as more than probable. Things that troubled me before no longer have the same power and all that I loved before has actually increased in tenderness. It's as though all I love is so beautiful and tender that I must take care not to break them in any way. I know I can't explain it right accept to say that I cannot see how they can be any more beautiful than how I see them now. I am just watching and gauging what I feel in the aftermath of what I went through and it's interesting. There is no trying anymore when all that's left is to "do". My mind is at ease in it's plans to step forward. Plans that seemed daunting at first inception are now seen as the normal progression towards the inevitable. All without fear, trepidation or overthought.
So what just happened? I was presented with a stress level I really didn't think I was prepared for only to find myself easily acclimated to the task. Having now adapted, it has now made all the old stress levels chicken feed....
"Mamacita"...a Spanish word used to describe a woman in one of two ways. Translated, it simply means "little mamma". Now, I have used it to describe attractive women in cute terms and I have consistently seen it used in vulgar ways. Since I've seen it used in vulgar ways, it has lost it's appeal as a word I would use yet some women still smile at it's use. I understand why but I liken it to a woman getting happy over being called a MILF. I see that as insulting to her motherhood but wait...that's only because I am a parent myself ;-)
A few hours ago on Facebook, I was very happy to witness someone I love get the accolades she deserves for being the mother I know her to be. She is beautiful and can easily be described as "hot" but the greatest thing about her was and always will be...her soul. That my friends, is where the instinctive power of parenting comes from. Being a good parent doesn't celebrate "womanhood" as society has placed at the forefront of importance physical attraction and appeal above that which matters most. So accolades for being a good parent are rare when they should in fact be common. I was glad to see it in the measures it was given as she is truly deserving.
Folks, being a parent is not simply a job as much as it is a labor of love. People that have never had a child of their own to raise have never truly known what it means to place oneself and their partner lower in priority by the simple existence of lives they deem to raise. Lives that will carry on their own existence. I knew the very second I held my sons that I was no longer the center of my wife's universe nor was she mine. It was these two lives that now held our strict attention when it came to all we did. We were no longer just man or woman...we were father and mother. As such we became what they needed us to become. The examples they would soon adhere to later in life and with that came an added responsibility to be "responsible". To say what we mean and mean what we say that they may always rest in the consistency of our word. Children made us better because we had to be better for them. We became role models because we had to be examples for them. We became even more honorable because we had to show them the importance of honor.
Now, here is where this gets tricky. With all this being done for them, we became even more desirable. Oh not just attractive, but with honor and character too? Yes...therein lay the catch-22. Most couples in a marriage see it fine to be great mothers and fathers but wind up neglecting a part that still exists...the woman and the man. Now I have written extensively on this blog about my studies as a husband to become a better man for my wife in every way possible lest any other man should try to set foot in an area I had left unattended. Learning how to listen, how to feel as she would and how to love in accordance with her inner and outer motions. All things that if gone neglected, can end a union in ways they can never recover from. So, I learned until these became second nature to me and us. I understood the first and foremost priority of the parent while attending to the woman before me. Doing this gave us great years as a married couple and allowed us to evolve after our amicable divorce.
Now we are both single and in my wanderings as a single man, I can tell you that when men and boys speak of a long-term woman, they will always be pulled towards the single mother. Why? Remember what I stated earlier about parents being better for their children? This is what stands out the most...character. Yet when they do decide to venture into this territory, they either go in with the single man mindset or they go in with the dutiful dad mindset. Two extremes that will either leave the woman wanting...or the mother unimpressed. I've known a few single mothers and they have sadly come back with the same stories. Yet very few truly understand "why".
Oh my beautiful Queens, your children have forced a selfless evolution upon you that even as you entreat a possible suitor, you are thinking "how will this one fit with my child?". You think about babysitters, if your children ate or if they got to bed at a reasonable time while you are on your "date". While your suitors task is simple, it must be understood. All he has to do is give you time to ease your parental mind before he can attend to the woman in you. Yet if he doesn't "get it", he will feel second to your parental role and instead of knowing this adds greatness to your character, he will only view this as "baggage" and you will be disappointed at every turn. You, my beautiful Queens must take your time to truly get to know who these suitors are before a commitment is made because what will inadvertently happen is that you will become disillusioned by your judgement or worse...by love. As parents, we are wired differently. When my children were young, I saw with six eyes instead of two. Now that they are men, it's difficult to see with the two I have left as I still look for more than the selfish are prone to consider. If you were ever a parent, there is no escaping your evolved sensibilities. Don't hate them because few share the same but glory in your advancement as an evolved human being.
So don't you ever allow yourself to become disillusioned. Don't think that you are an island no one wants to live on. Just know that many will come wanting to visit and all you can do is meet them on land for testing to see whether or not they are worth the transport onto your island. You are not the problem, neither is the fact that you have children you are actively raising. The problem my Queens is in finding a suitable King that meets your level and sadly, these are in short supply.
I stopped looking for Queens a long time ago but never gave up on the truth of love and as I had suspected...one fell into my life. Timing and circumstance never allowed it's fruition but what kept me believing, what renewed my zest...was that she existed...and still does. I'm out
As a Star Wars fan, I was told to trust my "feelings" but in truth I have never believed the word "feelings" was the word intended by George Lucas in that context. I will trust my "intuitive feelings" but I will always be suspect of my "general feelings". Why? Intuitive feelings come from the spirit and can see beyond imagery into the truth of things but general feelings from the soul are reactionary to their environment. They can be twisted by false information and they can be directed by peer pressure and/or mental subtleties.
Which leads me to "truth". The one thing I can always rely on when my intuition is off or on the fritz. I will rehearse the facts of a thing in my mind to come to solid conclusions. Conclusions that I will heed to in spite of my feelings on any given thing. You might ask well how does love fit into that equation Mr Loverman!?! Folks, when love is real it ceases to be a feeling. It becomes a fact of life that can never be changed by outer stimuli which can be seen as it's ultimate test. That is the difference between love and true love. General love will change as quickly as one changes their socks but true love is not easily dismissed or replaced. When love becomes truth? That's the real deal...
Truth my friends is rare today as too many have cross pollinated opinion and fact. To opine is to consider feelings in making a determination yet to state a fact is to remove all feelings from a conclusion you may or may not "feel like" agreeing to based on what is known. Due to such blurring of the lines, society has been forced to lower their metric of what is deemed "truth". You can tell me the sky is purple and call it your "truth" but science and facts will disagree. I will tell you that you need to get your eyes checked if you told me that. Now you will probably say "Then it seems like you are basing truth on consensus. What if they were colorblind or had some eyesight disorder? You will say they are in error because they can't see like everyone else can?" No, because most would say that the sky is blue and they would be just as wrong in that determination. Why? A simplistic scientific explanation lets us know that the sky is only blue due to the reflection of the ocean when the sun is out. The sky is actually colorless..truth folks. Truth. I don't do consensus and I don't do feelings. I will respect everyone's feelings but that does not mean I will ascribe to them nor will I try to dissuade them unless asked or if I find their truth a danger to their health. This is why I am so adamant about researching things out. Why I like to hear all sides on a an issue before I make my own determinations. This, yet again, places me in the realm of the relic. Thought, logic and truth are seen as old hat these days so fuck it all...
I ain't changing. Even if everyone around me does and I become a nuisance to their delicate sensibilities...I will remain who I am. Shit!!! Somebody has to!!! I'm out...
c : being out of the ordinary : unusual <a taste for crazy hats>
3
a : distracted with desire or excitement <a thrill-crazy mob>
b : absurdly fond : infatuated <he's crazy about the girl>
c : passionately preoccupied : obsessed <crazy about boats>
Above you will find I have pasted the definition of crazy and you know what? All three describe just about everyone I know...including myself. Those that I know that cannot be described using the term crazy are either dead or catatonic. Yet in this age of information, we look for clinical terms to ascribe to this one or that one. He or she is depressed and/or stressed out which in turn will cause them to unreasonably lash out. I can tell you all about that as having been on both ends of that particular spectrum and when the lash out has been mine, I've always realized it before it got to places I could never return from. Whether it be in phrase or deed, I thank God I have been able to see it right away but there are others that cannot.
There are others that see red and will not stop until they either tire or run out of things to say. Some of those things said or done can be lethal in their delivery. I know this firsthand coming from the family I was born into. Yet what I learned is what I want to share. Knowing myself well, I understand how things can get out of hand. When all filters cease from the mind and you begin to say or do according to pure impulse. When it comes to sexually aggressive passion, this is a boon to unspeakable pleasure but when it comes to anger, understand that it is a path to destruction most people can never come back from which is the very reason I had to learn to control my passions. Not to keep it under submission to inhibit it's strength but to be able to allow it to flow freely when it can only do good.
Now, I have been on the receiving end of lash outs from people that were closest to me. Things I never expected to hear thrown at me from lips I held to great esteem that hurt in ways meant to kill. Then why, you might ask, do I still love them? Why am I not ten thousand miles from their presence? It is quite simple. Their saving grace is that I know them at their deepest...just as I know myself. You would think this means I "take their shit" huh? Not in the slightest as I will do my best to mitigate most situations but when you can't? You walk. Not to leave them but to be able to cool off yourself and give them the chance to gather themselves towards discussion. Dealing with someone in this state is like dealing with someone that is under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. You always do the best you can to sober them up before any more is said or done. After which, I afford them the opportunity to apologize if one is due. So where do you draw the line? If after they have come back to their sanity and found no error in their behavior and/or speech, then you are dealing with something else. Someone that felt justified in saying and/or doing unacceptable things is someone that will do it again and again until you are inwardly destroyed or outwardly bruised. Take a long open-ended walk on those and the ones that know how to fake apologies. You'll know them by their character.
I am no push-over but I am not a friend and/or lover that gives up on people simply because they hurt my feelings saying something I know they never really meant to say. I show them understanding enough to bear whatever is said or done. So if you want to see if they're worth sticking around for, there is one act I look for above all others...humility. They have to say what they did wrong for it to be considered "a saving grace". It says they want to change. It says they despise this part of themselves. It says that when they do lash out...it isn't really them. It is this "saving grace" that affords them patience and grace from me. A patience and grace I wish would return my way but sad to say, hardly ever is, which is why I have to take special care of my own lash-outs.
Why talk about this now? I can only say that I these past few days have taken me to both spectrums on the extreme and I have survived them both coming through with a deeper understanding that no matter how even-keeled a person may be, you never truly know how deep their stress levels can go and/or take them. Keep your understanding eyes and ears open. You never know what the person you knew for years might be going through until a lash-outs occurs in the extreme. Be there for them if you can and let your love guide your patience and understanding while keeping your mind on alert for bullshit.
So if you are wondering if I tolerate certain things, please be advised. It isn't tolerance. I just understand "crazy"...
You want to know what happens next? Is love truly dead inside or has it been tested enough to know it can endure the greatest grief? What love has gained in him is something he really didn't think he needed...newly, better focused eyes. To see the tiniest of details in that which you choose to love and to be able to decide in strength whether it is either worth letting it go or worth enduring till it's end.
Eyes...he just has to get used to them and ty take them out for a spin or two. With that? Later folks...
I know a man that sacrificed alot for his family and for love. He put his life on hold to be able to see others he cared about progress first. He had many chances to leave and make money but he didnt fly as he wanted to as he was needed home by his family. You would think such an individual would want his due right? Appreciation maybe? No...he found that too much to ask so he settled for wanting the respect he deserved and if that was not possible then at least to be left in peace. If I told you about the concrete floor he's trying to sleep on now you wouldn't believe it. Something died inside tonight...died. All to prove a point that will fall as dead as he feels inside right now. Maybe he was wrong in doing as he did. Maybe he trusted too much or loved too much. Maybe its just time he left all those behind as easily as they tossed him aside...over a piece of fuckin cloth. If the devil had an illegal punch he could throw...it was thrown last night using the very hands he trusted most in this fucked up world. Hands he mistakenly thought strong enough and wise enough to fight off their use. He never saw how they could push him to rage. He never knew they could be used like this. In all his years, if there was one occurance that had the lethality to kill the best in him...this was it. Never again...never again...
He knows now that sweet needs to be judged deeper and all things love need to be put on hold. If ice is the element of the hour then their will be none colder. Whatever he has left is important to him alone and as such he will guard it with everything he has...from everthing and everyone.
Oh how one day great day can precede one so shitty!!! Oh how you could laud someone with great accolade only for that same person to treat you like shit the very next day. Another day, another argument based on a question that needed the receiver to look at themselves. Discussions that turn into arguments because of fucked up pride. When logical arguments can no longer be offered, name calling takes place and what they hate about you is brought to light in the ugliest of terms. So it seems as though they only want the bits and pieces of you that they deem "good for them". They want your body but not your heart. They want your mind but not your body. In this particular case, they love that you care as much as you do but hate the way you show it. It's fucking hysterical when you think about it. Those that want it all get pissed because I only give what I can. Those that get it all...it's too much. Fuck it then...
So if they love that you care as much as you do but don't like the way you show care or concern? My only solution is stop caring altogether. I'm just so fuckin tired...
I'm just so fuckin wonderful right? Wise? Beautiful too...yeah I get that one but all that shit goes out the window the second I refuse to appease your sensibilities and needs. Which begs the question...how real are all those accolades anyway? LMFAO
You know there is always this moment everyone gets. The moment they decide to do more with their lives. To be more for those in their world. It comes as a welcome breeze inviting you into greatness...and then it's gone.
We all have them. That goosebump inducing vision of all we could be...of all we should be. It's like a perfect wave that's meeting up with a skilled surfer. The one they look for to solidify their immortality. You have to see it coming and when it does...ride those waters till they settle every time. It never takes you all the way but it does take you some of the way. Problem is those waves can and will take you far enough to merit goodbyes or "see you laters" and too many are tied in with folk unskilled at surfing the waves. Levels are as life would have them and anyone wishing you remain at their level when you are set to go on to the next or are there already, is not looking out for your best interest. So don't miss your moment simply because you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. If they're true friends, they will watch with great pride as you become all you were meant to. If they get upset? Fuck em, they weren't in your corner to begin with.
Don't miss your moment being entertained. Don't miss your moment standing in a spot where there is no place for it to arrive and most of all...don't miss your moment trying to create an artificial one when the real one is just on the horizon. Stay hip, stay wise...stay vigilant. Your moment is on it's way.
The forward to the new book is pretty much done. Yeah, fun choice of words and yes, I am glorious for choosing to use those words lol I'll say this much, to rehash everything provides a good perspective and after rehashing everything, I'm more than just good. The rehashing is an exercise I must undertake if this is to be done right. I have to base all things on what was felt as I wrote to be able to piece everything correctly and that my friends, is a welcome trip to say the least. I just hope my muse will be happy with what I'm able to produce. She don't read my blog so I'll just let some shit out right quick lol I'll just "blame it on the boogie" if she finds out. God, I'm delirious lol
It's funny but most often rehashes are done by people that have broken up looking to say this or that was a mistake. Some times they may be right but in the case of this particular rehash which has nothing to do with a break-up, I'm gonna tell you the truth. I fell because I was supposed to as the connection we have gave me no motherfuckin choice...period. How's that for truth? If I no longer loved her, I'd say that I'd do it all again in a fuckin heartbeat. Want more truth? Furthermore, we might be on different roads at the moment but that don't mean shit to someone like me as I am one that believes that anything can happen. I ain't waitin around for it but when and if our romantic roads meet again? Her room is fully furnished and ready for occupancy. Why? I've said it almost every damn post...when love is true, it doesn't change. The only thing that can and should change is if the relationship was toxic. In those cases, you have no choice but to love from afar...like another state kind of far. Now, I can't speak for her but I can only speak for myself when I say this sappy stuff because this is how I view love.
Why is all this so important? I keep coming back to the same issue. Most of you find or make up reasons as to why you broke up during your own rehash sessions and start speaking negatively of an ex. No matter what happens with my muse, I will always see her as beautiful as the day I met her soul for the first time. So whatever happens from the break-up point or backing-away or whatever the fuck you need to call it should never make a difference when it comes to the truth of things. All the women I have loved throughout my life had issues as do I but when the good substantially outweighed the bad, I will not hesitate to praise their worth and value. Never allow what you feel today to taint what you felt then. If it was real...say so. If she was a good woman...say so. If you fucked up...say so. Just keep it real is all I'm saying. Back at it tomorrow!!!
On a side note, it feels fuckin great to let this out here publicly since only a handful of people know the story. Her name will remain safely tucked away but the story is so rich in real merit and truth. I'm glad I can finally speak on it since I'm putting this all together anyway. Yet sadly for you all nosy folk, as beautiful as you still are, this is as much as I will say so suck it lol
~Moses Apollo
PS: I re-read all this and noticed it was all over the place...but who cares!!! lol Still true...
My first installment (Heartbeat Of Apollo) was done loosely and without the professional tools I just finished installing. Tools that will allow me to create a finished product ready to publish. The first was more of an "attempt" to write a book as opposed to actually writing one. This will not be the case here. This has to be done better. The theme must be clearer and it's open-ended ending must be felt. I don't how it's gonna turn out but to say I'm excited at the thought of it is an understatement.
My only vice in all this is the vice of an artist. The immersion that leads to a seclusion I just can't help. To create is like falling in love...it's all you think about. You see it in everything and everyone. Inspiration comes from so many places and because this creation is inspired by a muse...I must see this muse in almost everything as well. That will be a tough one as I cannot see this muse in the present but instead I must see as I saw at the writing of every piece. So my disappearance becomes clearer as I have felt a pull do so. I guess longer nights await me...and so it goes...
~Moses
PS: Love a real artist at your own risk. If you can't handle things like this then please don't even begin to look their way. They are unorthodox and eccentric. They have no rules set in stone but have strong feelings nonetheless about the lines they will not cross. They love deeper, they fall harder and will never give in to loss. As for passion? there is none to equal it's importance for the real artist as this is their life's blood. There is no box made for us so don't even try to fit us into one. We don't ease up on the message nor do we compromise our work. The art is everything and when we create? It will take a fire to get us moving. If you haven't learned this by now, then I'm afraid you never will.
As much as I know about humanity, I am still somewhat perplexed by boredom. I really don't understand it or the power it wields. I mean think about it. With all the technology one has at their disposal, you would think that could be used to keep one at least entertained but no, it still isn't enough. As a child, I would push myself to remain still. I would just sit. Wherever my mind went is where I would go with the only exception being what I like to consider "dark thought". These days, I just brush up on current events or get into studying different subjects. How boredom can become a trigger to a depressed state in a developed mind is truly beyond "sense".
"So what are you saying? You don't like to go out?"
That is not what I'm saying at all nor am I encouraging anyone to become a homebody. When I go out, it's because I feel like it. For a simple "just because" or for something specific but I am not one to allow myself to be ruled by some wretched thing named boredom telling me that if I don't do as it says, it will turn my mood to shit. Folks, you will find out in time that almost every emotion's power over your mind is based solely on how much power you allow it weild.
"So I'm wrong for wanting to go out?"
No one said anything about right or wrong but I will say that if NOT "doing" is affecting you in a negative way, then it's not healthy. See I've known children to "get bored" due to an underdeveloped mind but adults? I'm not making judgement calls or anything of the sort. All I'm saying is that you all need to check that shit. Never allow anything to turn your mood. Never allow anything that kind of control over you and because I'm mainly speaking to friends I know to be strong...use that strength for focus. You wanna go out and do things? Go ahead and enjoy. Just make sure it's because you want to as opposed to needing to as it can become a crutch replacing your self control just like anything else. Stay hip my people...much love
