"Fall Has Come..."

Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love

I tried to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go

[Chorus:]
Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?

[Chorus]

And when I'm gone
Who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?

I can't go on
And let you lose it all
It's more than I can take
Who'll ease your pain?
Ease your pain

[Chorus:]
Who is gonna save you when I'm gone?
Who'll watch over you?
Who will give you strength when you're not strong.
Who'll watch over you when I've gone away?

Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone

You know, I initially just posted this song without the lyrics or any explanations but I must say that of all the moments I've thought to attribute this song to, none is more fitting than my last experience.  Fall came and went...winter is here now.  Never thought it would actually happen...but it has... 

A Little Bit Of Amazing...

There are people in this world that are real and those that are not.  This I've detailed ad nauseam.  When the real ones tell you they care...they show you with tenacious action.  If they see you about to drive off a cliff, they get in the car with you because they know that's the only way to stop you from doing it.  They know if you're gonna hurt yourself, you don't want to take anyone else with you...much less them.  They know and trust your heart.  They'll fight the losing battle with you just so you won't be alone.  These are the people God brings to your side to reveal Himself in man.  Of these in my life, I can count them on one hand and I feel they deserve more than I have given them...that day will surely come.  Bless them if you can recognize them.  Honor them if you can see them.  They are in fact...a little bit of amazing... 

Changes...

Aloof, cold, distant, quiet, pensive...calculating.  All the time, plotting, calculating.  Thinking about fighting through every circumstance where nothing is impossible...where nothing is too hard.  "Push through it" says the king with the little "k".  Thinking and pushing...there is no longer any room for you.  No time to gaze into your eyes and wonder what a lifetime in them would feel like.  No room to feel the softest hand run down his naked back...no place for tenderness or feeling.  Sinking deep into this black...writing this down is the only way he can keep his head above these waters.  If he sinks to the very bottom, he may never come back up...

Bring Me Tomorrow...

"BRING ME TOMORROW!!!" shouts the king.  This king with a kingdom that has no walls or pieces to adorn.  This king that is naked...and alone.  He shouts to His Lord because that is the only voice he finds sweet anymore.  His Lord is the only one that has never nor will ever...fail him.  His kingdom?  His kingdom is found in unkept wilderness where there is no path or gardner...just the wind and the wild.  A place without sign or direction...where lesser men have gone mad, he has learned to be still, until the wind says otherwise.  Yet in his waiting, as he lays upon the thorns...he remembers too much.  Old wounds, new wounds...scars that have never healed.  All bring him an anguish and an unbearable pain that he thought was gone.  The memories flash from stillness like movie scenes in his mind...movies he has no choice but to watch over and over again.  Relating each time with the losses, the failures and the hurts.  Things he buried thinking they could do him no harm come to surface like a corpse let loose after being trapped underwater.  They surface and startle.  They are vivid and real...because they all happened.  The scenes move not the way he'd like to remember them...but the way they were.  Missed opportunities, squandered love, finances and talent...betrayal from those he poured his soul into.  Scenes that just flash.  The pain is real, the anger is real...the hurt is real.  He is numb now...

Normally, I would tell you how the king made it through.  I would present some wise and pithy explanation.  Problem is, I can still see him viewing his moments and crying out that they would end.  That his new day will come in earnest.  That his new day will come without the past baggage in tow.  Others move past their histories by replacing them with something else.  He could never bring himself to do that because that would never be fair to the replacement.  All that he could choose from is beautiful, worthy and tender.  Of all that he could choose from, none stand as fly by nights...none can classify as mere stand-ins.  Oh the beauty in their character, strength and loyalty.  All with the physical beauty to match the soul inhabiting the same.  He ran into the wilderness so the day would come when his choosing would be real and not just a temporary band-aid.  That he should never present a fake smile or mechanical touch when the moments came again.  Naked and still in his kingdom, he has kept something tied around him.  Something that all these memories have sought to deaden...his passion.  He has protected it at cost...he does so with words on a page...

Mas y mas...

"Y mi habitación se llenara de verde agua en el mar...verde...que me pierde"

I'm Still...

I sit here in the dark with the highest hopes I've had in a while.  Everything will be fine and I will be the best I've ever been...making that my new starting point for improvement.  It's funny but sometimes you need to be left alone to be able to see through the eyes of truth.  When the bullsh*t is gone you have no choice but to see you for what you are.  There is no one trying to make you feel better by lying to you about your state but you see with your own eyes what needs doing.  You revel in the good and you look to amputate the bad.  Although some will seek to find ways to "live with" or "deal with" the sh*t they carry...I cannot and will not.  I choose to rid myself of it even when the lights go out and it's quiet.  It's then when most people think about the sh*t they've done...the sh*t gone unanswered or unresolved.  When there are no distractions...no one to tell them how beautiful or sweet they are.  No one to pat them on the back as if to say "you're fine" even though their lives are in secret disarray...even though they have unfinished business.

If you've followed my blog and my heart you know I cannot nor will not ever live out a lie...nor do I stomach those that do.  I know where I hurt and need healing.  I know where I'm strong and thrive.  One does not get any more attention than the other because the truth demands that all of it...is me.  I carry the initials MAA.  That name will outlive me and for that I am grateful to God.  There are people that have seen me and know what I am.  To be blessed by them is an amazing thing...sometimes even overwhelming.  They know all of me...and are glad to be by my side.  People that care and love because it comes from the heart...not for an end.  They know all I do is done for a reason...even now.  God bless them and keep them.  May the Lord shine upon them forever and may the grace they show me through their love be shown back to them a hundred-fold...for I know what it feels like to be a soul without one's grace.  As for those whose number I can count off with one hand that cannot fathom the concept of grace even though grace has been shown them repeatedly..."good luck"...because that is all I "wish" for you..."luck".  That and a quarter might get you some gum at a NYC corner bodega.  Maybe one day you will come to find that all the good you have is not because of you...but IN SPITE of you.

As for grace: 
Luke 12:48
But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few [stripes]. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.

The Lotus Flower...

You know there are some people...some people that just get you.  They understand you without seeing you or saying a word to you for seasons on end.  I got a text message today from someone I haven't heard from in a week or so. It was a short exchange but in that exchange I was impressed by their heart yet again.  I was likened to a Lotus Flower...amazing given that this person didn't know what all is going on...yet extremely accurate.

Truth is I face solitude to ready myself for what lies ahead and to complete in me that which needs completion.  I'm done with things that only serve to weaken my resolve towards a better me.  I have no room for games or undecideds.  I only have room to put one step in front of the other without deterrents of any kind and I am determined to accomplish that which my heart desires...the unveiling of the same.

There is alot in me and around me that needs doing and I don't need to be seen to make those things happen.  When the time comes, the Lotus will be apparent...except only after it has fully bloomed ;-)  At which point I will expect the cure to delirium be delivered and administered at home ;-)  Thanks D

Beautiful...

The Hustler and His Girl...

He sits now at ease contemplating the next move.  Seen as an enemy, he feels he has no choice but to act like one YET his character will not allow it.  How funny is it that he cannot bring himself to do the very thing he is judged for now.  This is what gets lost in translation in the narrow mind.  The hustler that hustles for himself does so without code because he has no one to account for.  The hustler that hustles for others needs a code because he knows he is to be held accountable for the sins of the very ones he hustles for.  I have seen this from killers on down.  Those with families hold to the code of "only to strangers or to those that deserve it"...never towards the ones you love...and he loved her. 

So here is this hustler...whose hustle involves easy access to information was faced with a serious issue.  Does he use his resources to bring his mind in line with his heart or does he continue terribly conflicted?  Loving someone that he came to find could lie with abandon and lay claim to it for years.  That could lie with ease and conviction...with supporting stories that only a calculated individual would come up with.  From the extremely wrong to the simply unnecessary.  All the while presenting an image of innocence...an image of naivete that any sober-minded individual would easily fall for.  He was sick after finding out how deep into her ego this thing went.  To do anything for attention...to do and be anything to be noticed, to be wanted made her weak and fostered this side of intense calculation that apparently, only he was privy to.  Others would see it in glimpses but dismiss it straightaway because "it just couldn't be".  He knew what he had and he didn't care...because he loved her.

He loved her with everything...he gave everything.  He had thoughts of permanence but could not make the comittment with all he had known.  He HAD to make this work because he felt his heart was so tied in and invested, there was no other way but to appease his doubts with solid information.  Most came through intuition but the rest came through what he now allowed others to give him; others that checked her out way before he did without his request...but for his sake.  Even then there were limits to how far he went...some things he couldn't bring himself to know.  He made her believe otherwise so as to say "this is it"..."no more please" but still, there was more.  More revelations came trickling in.  What he found was bad but not enough to dissuade him from wanting to make it work...at least for him.  In the opinion of others...he was done.  So here she stands today under righteous indignation.  Claiming victim status and somehow dreaming up the audacity to speak ill of and look down on the hustler.  That same hustler that bypassed and dismissed every single thing he saw that he would never except from anyone else...because he loved her.

EVERYONE else told him to run and hide from this one.  EVERYONE that knew what he knew said he will never be at peace.  This man began acting the role of the "insecure man" not because others bested him in his mind but because he was not secure in her honesty towards him.  He had asked her on many occasions if she wanted to leave...she could leave without animous.  He wanted to settle the turmoil in his heart and remain with her but he found he couldn't.  Imagine finding something out almost on a monthly basis about the person you love that turns your stomach.  Not only because of the gravity in the content but due to the fact that the last time they said "that's it, there's nothing else to tell", they declared this with streaming tears.  Every time he tried to let go of his reservations to be able to love her the way he wanted, he was met with a new revelation...a frustration and a pain that was only assuaged when they were together which sadly, was not that often...yet he loved her.

You see now if after reading this you would think him the victim...I'd say no.  The hustler is a hustler for a reason...he sees more than most.  As smart as he was, he knew what he was getting into and he knew what she was.  Yet given this truth, he also knew the great woman that managed to stay hidden under all the garbage and calculation.  A woman that is in fact honorable yet would probably be no fun to those she calls friends and acquaintances.  A woman with focus and determination...power and poise yet frightened that these qualities drive most people away.  Something that goes in complete contrast to her "need" for acceptance.  I told you...he knew her.  Knowing the hustler as I know him, I know he would not just want me to tell you where she was weak but where she was strong as well...because he loved her.

As to the hustler, I will say this about him.  The dream she wanted from him, he could not give her.  All he could afford was his heart and that just wasn't enough.  His life was torn into finding a new beginning for himself and establishing something for his new family dynamic.  He had very little room for anyone else but he desperately tried to make it work and bring her into his world...he failed.  Given all those other factors, there was doom on the horizon.  He thought that showing grace and unquestionable love would have been enough but again, that fell short in her eyes and in some ways...in the hustler's as well...but he loved her...so he's decided to let it all go...

From now on the hustler has one request to those he will entreat and it's a simple one:

"Before you deceive me...please leave me"

Want To Read A Funny Joke?

The serial killer walks up to the thief and says "Hey, I think what you do is morally wrong" lol

It's amazing how in an effort to defend ourselves, we lose sight of all things proportioned.  In my life I engaged in activities to make money that some consider unethical and I'm ok with it because I would never do any of those things to people I loved or cared about.  Yet to be judged and pointed fingers at by someone that I had to put up with A LOT to love brings in feelings of disgust.  I brought this person into my home and saw this person as a potential wife even AFTER I had caught her in deal breaking lies.  Lies that dealt with her interest in other men.  My love was that strong for her that I became blinded to it all.  Even AFTER I saw all the ugly I saw in her.  Her friends see her as this pristine and noble creature because she pays her taxes and keeps her bills in order yet what they don't know is that this is a woman with so many skeletons "in the closet" that the doors would not shut when we were together.  What spilled out was enough to make any man run and hide but I stood still seeing merit in her.  I was a f*cking fool to do so.  Little did I know that this person would never afford me even an inch of grace I afforded her when the time came to do so.  I am disgusted and dismayed.  How anyone that would lie so freely would have ANY place to judge ANYONE else is beyond me...really. 

Tell me if you could handle this:  To find out that a grevious event that is thrown in people's faces continually NEVER F*CKING HAPPENED!!!  That this lie lasted throughout the years and brought shame and pain to those closest to her so long as she got the attention from it that she desperately needed.  If you knew what it was...you would be shocked as to one; how could anyone lie about such a thing and two, how the f*ck did I stay with her?  You are a fool if you find this out after some suspicion and NOT do any checking into anything else...especially if you plan on bringing this person around your children full time.  So yeah, I ran my resources and checked her out...out came even more ugly.  My mistake was sticking around even then.

Remember when I said I would explain later what happens in my "next chapter"?  Im getting there now...and as I am hate and disgust is beginning to set in.

It's Only A Matter Of Time...

You are king in your world.  Go out of your comfort zone and see how your kingdom is seen by those that dont know your name, by those that look and sound just like you.  Do you stand out then?  Just how amazing is amazing?  How beautiful is beautiful?  You surround yourself with those that see you as larger than life...what about those that don't?  How blue are your eyes when the room is filled with blue eyed beauties.  How muscular are you when you're in a room filled with guys that train just as hard you do?  Do YOU stand out?  Does what you have inside set you apart?  Do they all want to know who you are then?  For myself, I know the answer to that question...what about you? 

It's only a matter of time till reality hits and you find out where you place in this world.  How much you value yourself determines the truth of how other people see you.  Do you see yourself a person of strength?  Then others will too.  Do you see yourself a person whose strength is an external?  Then thats all others will see and shoot for.  The woman that wonders why she only gets men wanting to posess her should probably notice that she presents herself in "need" of a knight in shining armor.  Guess what?  Knights utterly posess what they conquer lol.  That man will expect unparalled devotion.  To the woman that presents herself as self-sufficient and determined, she is treaded towards lighty, if at all.  That woman doesn't get the same disrespect the others do and if she does, she knows how to put an end to it quick.  The man that steps to her correctly is worth some time because he knows his road will be challenging but fruitful.  How do you see yourself?  The clock is ticking my people...step out of your comfort zone and find out ;-) 

So It's 3:48 AM...

And Im tired.  Im exhausted.  I feel as though I have been running for years.  My muscles hurt and my eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep.  Delerium sets in and thoughts at about this point cannot be understood or even trusted for that matter.  Sometimes I'll ask why in disbelief at my stupidity and at other times I look for new starting points to do it all over again.  YET in all this...I can see myself inching ever so much closer to that place.  I have plenty of motivation that compells me to take the needed risks.  I'm about to jump people...I'll be back when it's over ;-)

Under The Breath Of Beauty...

It's a cool night and the wind blows the way it should.  Nothing lost, nothing gained.  My feather makes it's way down from window pane to window pane.  Finding rest in the street to get blown away again.  Only to get whisked up onto another...under the breath of beauty.  The night sky is clear enough for that to happen and the moon smiles just right.  For just a breath...for just a breath of beauty.  Can you feel it on your skin?  As it carries you from smile to smile and heart to heart?  As it carries you to the next ledge of contemplation?  Where the soul would sit to gaze at the night sky.  Where the hands are soft and the eyes are blue, hazel, green and brown...they are beautiful.  They are magnificent.  From softened lips my feather is blown...under the breath of beauty.  Maybe on a night like tonight...one will decide to breathe for longer than just a season...

This is the heartbeat of Apollo...