Today was an interesting day for my emotional state but like all other days, I most often tend to land in a place of clarity before I lay my head on my overly flattened fucked up pillow. I just realized how strong my trained instincts have become. Where most people would probably be angry, upset or disappointed by a thing, I find myself truly hoping for the best for someone I know I will always love. It is always a surreal thing to feel because you witness how others react to such things and you might actually be waiting to react the same...but it doesn't happen. Some might interpret that the wrong way but I can assure you that I am genuinely thankful this person found someone. It's just something else is bugging me about it. On the outset everything looks "OK" but looking ahead as I do, I see glimpses of something that might be a problem for this person as more comes to light about character, moods...mental states etc. A problem that rainbow colored glasses won't allow anyone to see when everything is new. I hope I'm wrong but if I'm not, I just pray it doesn't sour this person's ability to love. It's just not my place to say and besides that, if I were to say anything, I'd be accused of intent to sabotage so this one...I must keep to myself.
Yet at the closing of the day, all this fell into the category of non-importance. We found out another family member of my ex could be on the brink of death and since losing someone last week was a bit jarring to say the least, this could not come at a worse time. Mortality always puts things into perspective folks and if anything is truer now of me it's this:
"Que sera...sera"...What will be...will be...
I am in a place of universal acceptance to those things I cannot control nor seek to control. I brace for impact to hits that I know are coming and loosen up to float when I see rivers too big for me to hold back...I'm out folks
"Not because of who I am but because of what you've done. Not because of what I've done but because of who you are..."
I won't rehash my history concerning the dualistic nature of Moses and Apollo in me but the lessons learned from my acceptance has allowed me to find the same seeming contradictions in others. At first glance, everyone will show you what they think you want to see. Sometimes they will overly please and other times, when they know you can't stand the over pleasing, they will become combatant at every turn...thinking that's what you prefer. The reality is, I just want people to agree when they agree and disagree when they don't as opposed to putting on a show that is supposed to be meant for my benefit at every turn but I digress. How do you draw out the truth in a world full of games? You open your hand to anything and everything without judgement. Always remember that the code of conduct you keep is yours and is never used to pass judgment on others but instead is used as a silent filter to what you can or cannot accept. Mind you this is no trick or method on weeding people out. All I am saying is simple: Never accept what you see or hear at face value. I am an open book for this very reason. I refuse to be part of the bullsh*t. In others...and in myself. So I will tell you what I looked for in myself that gave me a roadmap for clarity.
Please be advised that I will now speak in the third person when referring to the roles of my pseudo dualistic nature. This blog is littered with explanations concerning this but for the sake of reference, I will say that I believe everyone has different natures within them that manifest at certain situations. Not to be confused with multiple personality disorders, it is just my way to mitigate elements within the same person.
I found out that "Apollo" has his strong positives but his negatives were too grave to keep him in control and most decisions made by him had to rectified by "Moses". It was the dulled conscience of Apollo that led to all nefarious activity and recklessness from which were set the worst examples imaginable. Crime, drugs, alcohol and debauchery are what happened when he had control as opposed to Moses that required regimented discipline. As a husband and a father, Moses needed to create structure for himself and his family. Truth and honor being paramount, he lived that part of himself to the uttermost. So to make a long story short, I took the best of Apollo and the best of Moses, creating a better, more complete me. Now here is where it got tricky. You see, it was not easy giving back the reins to Moses because you see, Apollo was just too much damn "fun" in his adrenaline rush and this is where we "explorers" tend to reveal the truth of ourselves. We pride ourselves in the stalwarts we have become. The responsible, goal orientated and disciplined souls are usually unmoved by temptation...but just how strong is that character's foundation? Can it be easily shaken? Have we truly outgrown the things of our past or did we just "grow up" out of necessity? It is the most jarring self-revelation one could receive. All this time, hiding behind a mask of stability lay in abeyance an animal I never thought existed. I lived out a character that was mine and real but alas...incomplete. I, being the stubborn kind, had to explore that aspect of myself to find out who I truly was but like all expeditions, this too had to come to end. Truth is, it only ended when Apollo had reached the end of himself. Leaving behind a mess from an overstayed tenure. This is when I knew I had finally outgrown the "evil" in the beast. Apollo's passion, fearlessness and creativity remained but his way of life had lost its appeal. Moses finally came out and said "Are you done f*cking up everything I built?". That's when I accepted the truth of all I was and the reality of the potential I had to become the man I was meant to be.
Folks, I see the truth in others because I have seen it in myself and I am blessed to know that all those that are close to me are wonderful, beautiful souls that have pasts just like anyone else...just like me. This is why I rarely ever sever bonds from differences of opinion or failure as these are not the metric I look for in my friends and/or lovers. We all have our exploration runs to make. My metric begins at a subtlety as I wait to see what if any response is shown after failures or mistakes. This will always let you gauge one's level of maturity and self-awareness. Allowing you to make an informed decision as to whether or not you want this person in your life. Drawing customized lines in the sand as opposed to some arbitrary bullsh*t you learned in some codebook. Folks, I might sound like I know it all but trust me I don't and I know it. Understand something and rehearse it in your mind: I will never be better than you but you best believe I will always look to be better than I am in the moment...I'm out
Feels like I left it hanging right? Yeah, that's because I did ;-)
There are some people in this world that I have come to know so well that most things I would find disagreeable in others, in them I give the "awe shucks" treatment. I mean I know people that have done seriously messed up things that I still give the time of day to. They just respect me enough not to do the same to me. I just know them. We could have a knock down drag out fight, be mad and still find something to laugh about. These are the folks that never leave and they just know that no matter how far I go, I'm never too far away.
Look, folks come and go in and out of our lives if you have a built in revolving door. Sometimes it's because you're a store that gives away a service. Other times, it's because you're a shelter from the storm and then there are those that trust your heart enough as a friend and/or lover to know you'll allow them to live their lives without you taking actionable offense at their absence. The latter is the best kind to have because they take from you only what you are able to give as you are able to give it but to get them to trust your heart takes evidence. An evidence shown instinctively by you at all levels. If that's really you, you don't even try to prove it because that's what you are.
I have lived a pretty full life so there is little left for me to explore externally but I have many that need to explore things for themselves and I cannot begrudge them that nor stand in the way...especially if claim to love them. Sometimes it can hurt but if I'm as intellectually honest as I say I am, then the hurt must be put aside for what's best for them. Let them fly, watch them soar and just be there if a wing is clipped or the flight cuts short. I've said it many times...true love is self-less. Anybody can mouth the words "I love you" but proof is not in the flowers, dates or moonlit walks. Those can be mimicked. What cannot be mimicked my beautiful pretty souls...is sacrifice. I'm out
~Moses
PS: I was once threatened on Facebook by a small African woman warning me that I should like her pics or she would stab me with a serrated butter knife. I liked the hell out them pics!!! What does this have to do with anything I just wrote? Absolutely nothing ;-)
"Wow, after I jumped it occurred to me, life is perfect, life is the best. It's full of magic, beauty, opportunity, and television, and surprises, lots of surprises, yeah. And then there's that stuff that everybody longs for, but they only real feel when it's gone. All that just kinda hit me. I guess you don't really see it all clearly when you're - ya know - alive."
Take a look at your children. If they're young, how they smile and laugh at the simplest things. Their astonishment when they find out how things work for the first time. A new word, a new math problem learned and the excitement of a new found friend. Their innocence let's you know that you are doing the job you need to do. That you physically had a hand in making them or that your love for them has made them yours makes no difference. You become just as innocent at the thought that these came from you and will forever require you to maintain a lasting supply of true love needed for deposit. If they're older, your pride has no limits as you watch them succeed through gain or loss. To see them learn life lessons that will allow them jump on their own soon brings tears to your eyes knowing you have done the job you needed to do. Through frustration and failure, wisdom and foolishness...you begin to see mirror images of the best of you.
Take a look at your home and remember the man you walk past at the train station near your home that sleeps nightly on a cold bench. Or the woman that sleeps on a piece of cardboard just a few feet from your door. Who knows why they are in the condition they are in but in their minds, they've sunk so deep into their hole, the way out is too daunting to climb till the floor they are standing on becomes their home. All of a sudden, those dirty walls don't bother you as much because you realize you have walls that shelter you from the elements. Take a look at where you've been and what it took to get to where you are today. Take stock and find yourself blessed beyond measure. Not that you should be content to the point of stagnation. Yet content enough to reason away all petty complaints that drives one into unnecessary misery. So many are blessed and have not taken the time to notice. Take a look around, see it all for yourself and rest in the peace gratitude provides...I'm out
I am a man that lives in a house of ill repute. I seemingly adorn it with every manner of sexual attraction deemed necessary for pleasuring one's mate with functionality, size and knowledgeable application. Yet the soul that lives in this home is not altogether represented properly by others that live in similar homes. You see, these adornments were never meant to be sexual in nature at all but are in fact a by-product of the home's ever increasing strength and because it is my home, I learned every aspect of it in detail. It's primary intent and function is that of strength and that is what I choose to focus on. I use everything else in it in targeted ways with precision but not sparingly so because to do so would negate it's primary intent. So when they look at my home, all they can imagine in it's occupant is a man that is willing to take in all seeking pleasure. That he must be one of those that gets paid to dance at parties filled with sexually hungry females and worse than that...that he must be dishonest in his intentions for true love.
Folks, I came to terms with this a long time ago. The insane ways both men and women have approached me most wouldn't believe unless seen. As a child, these events fueled an ego I learned early on was worth nothing at all. As a man, I have come to field many an interest without leading them on. I say thank you and move on but most will never believe it. In the minds of most, if I'm talking to an attractive female, I must be sleeping with her and I must admit that it is a normal human response but it still is an assumption as opposed to a well informed deduction. It has always been a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation and one that has at times stifled my progress. Do you know what it's like to not want to see or deal with anyone? To want to hide away from the accolades you don't think yourself worthy of? Maybe even to purposely let yourself go a little so that you don't stand out as much? Yeah that was me a long while ago. That is until I realized that it really wasn't a problem in and of itself but that is was more a problem of perception. It had to be changed if I was to seek unimpeded improvement daily. I actually started posting pics on Facebook as a way to get past it and it turned into an ever evolving vehicle of encouragement. It was an extremely difficult thing for me to do. I used to shy away from accolades but now I see it best to be appreciative and/or be self-deprecating about it as it reveals me to be simply a man. Not a simple man mind you...but a man that is in fact approachable.
Now what has allowed me to assuage annoyance at preconception is the simple understanding of where that thought process comes from. When I stopped my pity party, it was simple to see that it came from an undeniable precedent. More often than not, men that live in such homes are the way they are assumed to be but that only meant that the burden was on me to prove otherwise of myself and that's where this gets troublesome at times. Especially when you have an interest that is just waiting to "out" you as just like any other. So, I basically let people think what they will and sometimes I even egg it on...although only when I am uncommitted which has been my state for the last few years. With me, nothing is always as it seems and I pride myself in tripping up the molds. I am a man that loves using eloquence from my soul, grit off my flesh and breath from my spirit. Try to figure me out without asking me directly and you'll always get it wrong. So now that I'm settled into who and what I am, what do I think? Turns out, being a true dichotomy is kind of fun...I'm out
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return..."
I remember your walk...I shake my head in awe
My mind brings me your lit up smile you tried holding back...I look away in fondness
I can vividly see your kissable lips...I sigh with a smile I can now not help
To recall the beautiful shape and color of your eyes...I stare into nothing with the remembrance of a man that may have just witnessed the doors to heaven itself
This is my praise of you...
I remember you walking as if you braved every step towards someone so important you couldn't miss the chance to show discrete intention...I leapt inside with joy
My mind brings me to the smile you gave me of approval when I said you were beautiful as if you could tell I was truly amazed...my heart fluttered in silence
I can vividly see your lips like the kind of candy that was meant to sit in my mouth, melting your flavor slowly into my palette...my body gave way to desire
To recall your slightly water-hazed eyes whose gaze detailed your heart when they found my own sincere in their desire to learn and come to love the truth of your soul...the eyes of my soul began to water my love
My ego high said goodbye to my "why" by way of hunger. Sweet honey reels my steel to take my feel shuckin strides past the "nice" of all them other rides I ignored. She walks me, talks me past her door. Strippin off my shirt, droppin off her skirt, with hungry eyes to flirt at every bite off my chest. This bedroom groom for honey saw no money when I saw it. She had a shitstain on her pillow...
No smell, hell, must be dry but I'm busy lookin for the pink hue in her eye. I see nothin but honey thick thighs, an onion that cries and double D's bringin a blind man to his knees. Her heat done gave me keys to her box to lick open them locks for that big leg shakin quake. Now, I'm lookin to feed so I heed to my voice of choice makin her moist at my "fuck it" to the fact that she had a shitstain on her
pillow...
The groan, the moan, shit, I'm in "honey" zone. I fight my mind against that shitstain find but it ain't workin. I taste till faced with an arrogant clever to pull this lever lookin for an excuse...a middle ground, a truce. So to keep my leap steep and satiate my creep I tell a tale with reason to bail and sail on through our night. Always keepin her in sight to move on past my plight that she had a shitstain on her pillow...
We make it home to stop the roam from what I've seen. I wasn't mean so I start to glean on off all the fine she said was mine. I know my place, no shit to trace so I placed my face...keepin steady my pace. Soft, but sleazy, nice, but easy till we couldn't take no more. The boom in my room was like this drum that kept on beating, overheating and defeating our eyes to sleep. Morning came impressed at my best cause I thought myself clever to pull that lever. Thinkin my mind blessed I found myself stressed to find that she had left...a fuckin shitstain on my pillow...
~Apollo
Addendum: This piece was inspired by a self imposed challenge to pick an asinine phrase and see if I could build some meaning around it but it would suck balls if this was the piece most people came to like lol
With you as my centerpiece and me at my center. We call, we don't, we greet, we don't...and somehow it's all OK in my mind. I see the "sign watchers" and wonder how they can go through all that unscathed by the mundanity of it all and then I remember...I am one myself. Except that I don't look for the obvious signs as those can have many interpretations. I look for signs that lead to the heart of the matter. I read the memes on Facebook and understand why there is no longevity to relationships. Too many arbitrary lines are drawn in the sand without the benefit of individualized context. It's a great thing to find a friend that knows when you're grumpy not to call you a dick but instead laughs it off as a stupid character trait. I have many like this and I have frankly found them to be the most honest.
Someone once complained to me about a very dear friend of hers that seemed to always want to "one-up" her in public settings. She wondered how someone so close and so caring to her could be so competitive. She was her confidante and was always there for her in times of need but as she put it "could be a real asshole sometimes". I said "then what's the problem, just dump her and move on"...knowing she wouldn't. She paused and said "I don't know...she is a really good friend most of the time". I said "well then, there is your answer, she may be an asshole but she is YOUR asshole".
Folks, nobody in this world will ever be all you want them to be but 7 graces out of the 10 you require on your list ain't bad. Draw your lines and do your best to hit those marks. If their flaw doesn't demean you. If their flaw doesn't put you in danger. If their flaw is something you and those closest to you can live with, you will come to understand why they are still around. You have opted to use your scale of judgement and have found that their good outweighs their bad. You know in which areas they will fail you already and have come to accept that because in the areas they don't fail you...they excel as friends. I have no idea why I decided to write this so if it serves you well...BING!!! I'm out
Good things come to those that wait yes? Lessons are always..."good things".
Imagine you are sick with a fever. Your are at the height of both emotional and intuitive sense. At first, it's not a problem. You're just thinking how bad it sucks to have a fuckin fever but then you resign yourself to the idea that it must pass...as does the thought of it from your mind. So now you are left with nothing but these heightened senses and time. You start thinking about life and suddenly, in the midst of your mental tour, you start seeing all what you consider "less than perfect"..."fucked up" instead. Melancholy hits you hard and you have nothing but the wall to distract you from thought. Your thoughts will take you to one place...absolutist conclusion. Where once you saw grey in that dude that kind of fucked you over in a way you knew you could live with, now you see black evil that requires a decisive conclusion. Why? That's where this gets interesting to say the least...
To understand yourself as a whole is to give yourself the ability to reason things through as every part of you sees them. If your spirit is still young and whispered (as most are), you will only hear through intuition "cut off the piece of garbage giving you trouble". Your soul (mind) will respond emotionally saying "no, I know the whole story behind why he did what he did and I must look at the bigger picture". Normally, your flesh would provide the reference for understanding that "story" because it understands the inner workings of the primal man providing your soul a reference point for empathy but it's voice ain't loud enough right now. It's muted by the fever so any understanding your soul might have received from it's reference point is now muted at best. You trackin? I hope so...
So what do you do? Do you call him and say "I really had time to think these past few days and I just wanted to tell you...fuck off" or, because you know that you are not in balance, do you wait until all three parts of you are in line to provide the input? Brashness will say "fuck it" to some regret later but wisdom will tell you "shut the fuck up and wait" and this, my beautiful people, brings me to the lesson most people are aware of but can't really provide a reasoning for:
Never make absolutist decisions under duress of any kind. I'm not talking about decisions that require immediate action. You'll find yourself lining up quick for those. I'm talking about those important decisions that have afforded you time to think through and if you think it just takes a fever to off balance you then think again. If you know your wholeness, you will just "know". Extreme hunger, sleep deprivation, the immediate aftermath of a heavy family or friend issue, the immediate aftermath of a strong emotional experience etc etc. They can all throw you off balance. Let these settle and allow yourself to run through your process of thought and reasoning. I suppose the best way to put it is by allowing yourself to take a deep breath, look around and notice that there is nothing troubling you in the slightest. At that point, your "alright". I know you might want to bask in the moment but just take a look at the"issue". Is it even an issue? Is it something you could live with? Is there anything to "do"? Or is it much ado about nothing? Like most things, you will find the latter to be true. What makes a molehill a mountain? Imbalanced perception. The trick is settling into that truth. Take it easy...you're ok. Some things just are. It's only rain and there is always tomorrow...be at peace mi gente.
You see how long it took you to read through that exposition of how I interpret the inner workings of wholeness? Well it happens much quicker than that. I just happen to be able to see it happening. It's either because I'm meant to or I've had way too much time on my hands but I'll leave that for you to decide. At least now you understand why I left my "Under The Weather" entry open-ended ;-) I'm out...and alright...
"and now the moment you've been waiting for is here..."
Yeah Im feelin like I'm comin down with somethin Im tryin to fight now before it gets worse. It's interesting to note that in times like these emotions and intuition become heightened. Not to compensate but simply because all physical stimuli becomes somewhat muted. This allows you "hear" yourself better which incidentally is the same reason people go on spiritual "fasts".
So what you may ask, am I beginning to feel? Not a fuckin thing and that's both good and bad. Good because I feel like shit and am in no mood to deal with anything. Bad because something I'm supposed to feel is missing which tells me it's time to change a thing and this one is disappointing. I've been feelin it happen as I hoped it wouldn't but I always saw it as a probability. In either case, even if the it doesn't include me, if the outcome is good...I'm good. Besides, it's nothin new.
I'll most likely be deactivating Facebook for another long while again soon I guess and just become more opaque as I do except of course for here and some outside that realm of course. Some people have the misconception that all my friends are on Facebook and that is way off to say the least. To have a life centered around social media alone causes one to lose grip on reality sometimes and God forbid I should ever let that happen to me. I follow every technological advancement to keep up with the times. I study them and learn them so I will never be left behind but I keep my feet grounded on humanity. My own...and everyone else's. I watch the tides and ride the waves but I always know how to find my way back to my 12x12. The place where I reside with skin, bone and humans that use lips to talk as opposed to keyboards. People these days think that to unplug means to disconnect and that's a falsehood. If you are connected it don't matter how far away you are around the world...you will always be connected. That, I can tell you from deep experience.
Now is this me talkin? Or just my feelin like shit manifesting itself into a rambling soft lash-out? Heh...you never know. "Que sera...sera" I'm out but I ain't done ;-)
You just got yourself a new home. Imagine yourself packing. You look around the old home and wonder what you can take with you. You size up your old sofa and you notice that it won't fit into the configuration of your new living room. You see that your bed will do but the dressers won't. The kitchen table you have is too damn small for your new kitchen. Even some of the appliances now seem outdated. You realize you have to leave all this stuff behind but come to the realization that even if you move into an empty home, it's still better than what you had before. So yeah, it's time to furnish from there. Time to find what will fit beautifully making this place your home with only traces present of what you left behind.
Now you can take the above paragraph literally or you can take it figuratively. In either case, it'll work but for this piece, it is but a figurative analogy. To what? To new beginnings. So many people miss out on what a real new beginning looks like. It can be as grandiose as a new house or as small as a change in perspective. Every new change that has taken on a life of it's own marks a new beginning and must be treated as such if one is to capitalize on it's greatest benefits. How one deals with changes marks the difference between a planted seed that will either become a strong tree or a feeble shrub. It is always up to you. Take what you can with you but if it is something you can do without, if it is something that has been a hinderance to you or if it is something that just cannot live in your new environment...leave it behind. Some things just can't grow with you. Don't allow them to become an albatross that keeps you from growing. Think about why you are stuck and you'll come to find that some of the familiar you found comfort in has really been nothing but a set of brakes holding you back from new zones needed for growth. You want growth? You need to find new comfort in the discomfort of the "new".
I am one to always set a new goal at heights that once reached...become my new bottom. Crack open your ceilings, celebrate but don't linger. Set up the new ladder. Keep climbing until you reach nature's potential. When you've reached nature's potential, look to heaven's potential. That's where all that you built will find purpose enough to set up ladders for others. What? You thought this was all for you? Think again...
I grab my institutionalized, memorized, regurgitated list that brings me to rationalized procrastination as I knowingly seek out endangered perfection looking for neo-lite out of a little black book I like to call true-love-lite. True love and true neo has no place for a man like me. Been there, done that and guess what? It hurt sometimes so fuck that. I pick one off the list to satiate my need to be desired finding validation and begin to feign deep interest. I hold my breath at times when I'm with her simulating the "take my breath away" effect. I send her messages telling her "I'm thinking of you" just so I can feel like she consumes my day's thoughts when she really doesn't. I'll listen to a love song and do my best to place her in it when all I could think about is the fact that I haven't eaten and it's getting late. All these machinations made not to trick her or fool her into a false sense of security but all this to convince myself of something. All this to make me feel like I'm experiencing something genuine and deep. All without taking any risks because hey, they off the "lite" list anyway. So long as it shines a hue of yellow, it might as well be piss but with a little bit of imagined spit and polish...I'll call it gold.
You see I know true love and it fucking hurts sometimes. It really takes my breath away to the point of hyperventilation all due to my emotional investment. Every song I hear has a face attached to it and my days are a mess because my thoughts of them are ever consuming. I lose control like I'm some fucked up teenager on a pubescent high and I despise the distraction of it all. I safe-guard myself with those I'm familiar with because it's easy to say goodbye when the truth I knew at the outset is finally made manifest. It doesn't hurt as much and I can let out an easy "oh well...next!!!" when it's over. What's best in all this, I can proclaim to the masses that I have known love in many ways and I would be a liar. Wait!!! I'm sorry I was looking in the wrong mirror. That's not me...it's you!!!
Folks, after watching an extremely attractive family member advertise themselves while jumping from one to another on social media, I just had to write about this shit. Some social media websites are eye-opening to say the least. This may all just be tongue in cheek but it's the reality for too many today. Now, they would never admit to such a thing because in many areas, they are strong and are seen in overall terms as such but in this one area, they show a hidden weakness. It takes real strength to allow true love to take hold and after taking on a few hits, they don't even want to think about goin in for some more rounds. Now lest you brutal truth haters think me judgemental, I can relate to this because after having been hurt, I thought to travail down the same path so that two paragraph entry...might as well have been me. Yet I came to a strong realization. If I wasn't strong enough to stand alone, then what makes me worthy of anyone else to begin with? What do I as an individual bring to the table? A nice body with a big dick? A nice smile with a mind? Am I in need of another's strength to complete with my own or do I have what it takes not to "need" but to purely "want" without "need". I took my time alone to create something for myself and came to the place where I knew I had the right to be picky. Which is where I am today. Picky and thankfully alone with the hope to find what I know to be true love and the patience to wait for it.
Today, I watch as so many strong, beautiful, sexy, amazing souls that could stand on their own do not. Either because they honestly desire to be "kept" or they just don't know all the true strength they possess inside. As someone that has been approached with payment by rich women, I can tell you from my standpoint, I find it abhorrent. I am not a man to keep anyone or be kept because to be kept is to be owned and that is not love...that's fuckin "pay for play" slavery. To add insult to injury, kept women are always lacking in one area to the point they start looking for shit on the side. I say so only because I've been approached. These women with all they have given to them just truly want one thing their men cannot easily give...to feel like a woman. Listened to, worshipped in bed and loved even in silence. Every man does this on the outset, but once they cinch the deal...it's over. So these women begin to look elsewhere when they come to find that their king ain't nothin but a serf with some money.
My loves, to be in the throws of true love has a cost but it's price in moments of bliss is worth every damn penny as there is nothing like being wrapped up in a quilt of pure light. Kept warm and cool at the same time. To feel like nothing can touch it when it's just you and she taking on the world. How do you know? It's those moments that keep you coming back as there is nothing on this earth more perfect God has granted unto man. Don't cheapen it by accepting anything less...
So to my men out there: Be mindful. Don't treat your women like meat or possessions. They are way more than furniture. Keep love true. To my women out there: Don't fall into that category. You are stronger than you know. Beyond your beauty and what is between your legs there is a soul to explore and inspire. Keep love true. I'm done here...
I don't know much about this great contemporary poet but a beautiful friend of mine wrote an article about him that endeared me to him as one of the most relatables writers to myself...without ever having known his work. This particular quote grabbed me:
"Somebody asked me: "What do you do? How do you write, create?" You don't, I told them. You don't try. That's very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more. It's like a bug high on the wall. You wait for it to come to you. When it gets close enough you reach out, slap out and kill it. Or if you like its looks, you make a pet out of it."
- Charles Bukowski
I know just what he means...
Oftentimes when we try to force out creativity, we are tainted by formulaic "method". This is then allowing the backdrop of someone else's voice and it is cheating yourself out of all you could accomplish tailored exclusively to your soul. This can extend to all aspects of life as all my truest successes have come to me when I was ready to receive them and some were thrust upon me even though my insecurities had me thinking I wasn't. Happily coming to find...I was. In my physical training, I tried almost every method known to man only to settle on what worked perfectly for my body. Learn what you can, glean what works for you in segments and create the method that works for you. You may be the only one in existence that writes "like that" or works "like that" but guess what? It's all yours and it works perfectly for you. You waited for it to come and when it was within reach...you grabbed it. Sounds about right huh? Yeah...I thought so...
Moses Apollo~
Special mention goes out to Lina Bonell for this one...
Myself is my earthen vessel made to jump from pure instinct without thought or purpose. As strong as the earth would allow it. Gravity bound and eager to feed on anything and everyone. Without conscience as it's only motivation is survival and domination for itself...by itself. Anger, hatred, lust, fear and all that inspires immediate forced action are it's voice. Trainable by forced execution and resistance. Forged as steal is forged through fire. We are one...
Me is my soul or mind if you will, inspired by intellect and emotion. Moved by logic and emotional content. As strong as it fed whose trajectory is determined by what it is fed. Able to extend into human contact beyond touch through senses. Emotion allows for empathy and sympathy in order to extend outward for the sake of others. Trainable by intellectual absorption refined by real world experience. Flourishing as a flower flourishes, nourished by it's surroundings of darkness or light. It holds a latent power unto itself that can be used by good or evil. We are one...
I is my spirit that is inspired by the science of the unseen. A child unto itself as this world has not mainstreamed it's existence. As such it goes unfed yet still is able to speak through whispered intuition. Oftentimes conflated with the soul as they both extend outward. Both can be selfless except that the spirit cannot be selfish as it mirrors the creator. It sees beyond intellect and emotion to the truth of things and cannot be tainted by either but is seldom heard. It's eyes see beyond the veil into the other realm. We are one...
This my friends is what I like to call the science of the triune man. To learn each one in oneself allows the learner to see who they really are. You are your center. Where your intellect and thought processes are formed through life experience. You decide based on these factors alone. To the left and right of you are voices with intent all their own. Your center decides between the two and if your spirit's voice is loud enough, it can guide you without fail. Problems arise too many times because what is being heard is your center's voice as it is often mistaken as your spirit. You have heard it said that your gut will never fail you so why don't you listen? That is simply because your spirit requires no context to see the truth but because your soul has all the context, you wind up forgoing your gut instinct for what you think you know. Take time to identify the distinctive voices and take stock. Find out how much time you wasted on earthen anger, jealousy or pride believing that all the while you may have been justified in what you said or did in the name of "keeping it real" when reason or selflessness could have told them to shut up. Learning each voice develops a maturity based filter that cannot be contested and will often be admired. Learn them and grow...
Now, there is so much more I can say about all three and the outside forces that are capable of driving them but I usually keep these things to myself because most will dismiss this outright as spiritual quackery but make no mistake about it...there is power here. Things like Astral Projection and Transcendental Meditation are nothing to play with but these go a bit beyond the focus of the topic in this piece which is self control, governance and growth. The man or woman that has mastery of their wholeness is one that is formidable in every respect as they understand where each innate inclination is coming from and can either dismiss the inclinations outright or take them seriously. Most live out an unbalanced life. Deciding to focus entirely on one aspect of themselves believing that are advancing where others are not only to find themselves lacking in so many other areas. Like I said, I can say much more but I won't so if you accept my writings on this matter, build off of it...start listening. If not, there ain't nothin I can do for you and will advise you to go on to the next entry. God's speed...I'm out...
So what makes a good story? I am no expert but I can tell you at least from my experience what might. First, you must have the main protagonist. The one who the story centers around. The main protagonist always has something to overcome providing an invaluable lesson at triumph. Then you have those that contribute to the story. Usually these are just fillers providing exposition at times but I prefer my stories to have more meat so I believe that the other characters should not just serve as backdrops to the story but instead be interesting enough to serve as main protagonists to their own. Their roads meeting in interesting ways as a result creating everlasting connections that are either strained or collaborative but each advancing a greater picture.
I know where mine began but I honestly don't know it's end and as for those that are in my story? They are all deserving of their own. All amazing in their own right. They just don't last very long in mine and it's something I've both come to accept and live with. You might think it sad and some of it is but it's all part of life. So yeah, it can be sad. That is of course, until you start reading the new chapters. Replete with new characters and some old characters making an appearance with intersecting arcs. So indulge me a bit...
Allow me tell you a story:
It's about 3 AM and a man is in bed with his wife. Outside his wife hears a couple fighting across the street from their second story window. She gets up to investigate waking him up. She opens the window and he follows behind her to see what the problem is. They witness a man physically manhandling his woman as they are actively arguing. He and his wife begin shouting at him to stop yet they continue arguing. The man, after repeated attempts at stopping what could turn ugly says that he would be calling the police. To his disgust, the woman in distress finally shouted back "mind your own fucking business!!!". The man, deflated and annoyed said "ok", closed the window and had a bit of trouble going back to sleep. All he could think about was how this woman would either one day become the heavy bag to a fighter's constant barrage or wind up dead because of course "she could handle it". As for her so-called man? He'd most likely wind up somebody's bitch in cell block D or dead after beating up on the wrong woman. So as the man lay there in bed, he thought he did all he could do and felt satisfied with his efforts yet found himself disappointed none-the-less. You see, he did his part with an extended hand but his hand was not just rejected, it was struck away. He learned a valuable lesson that night that he would take with him in every other similar human interaction:
You can't save everybody and you can never force anyone to do what's in their better interest. That sometimes, you have to let people fail and find out certain things for themselves without your input or safety net. Only problem is...it's a gamble. Depending on the circumstances, their lesson might lead to damaging scars or worse...death. Yet because you did your part, rejected or not, you can sleep a bit easier. So what ever happened to the arguing couple? Who the hell knows but I can only hope that the lessons that were learned, if any, brought them a better life. Honestly? I sincerely doubt it. Good story? Yeah...true story.
You see as soon as the woman shouted at me telling me to mind my business, the part she played ended in my life's book. Yet there are some in my life's book that have not found their conclusion and are currently living out their own until theirs and mine intersect again. You just have to know when to accept their resignation and when it comes, you must learn how to continue forward without them. If it ends, it ends. Yet if it is to continue at a later date, then it must remain loosely open-ended. Like the abused woman, some decide it's done but there are others that choose not to close you off in finite terms so they can come in and out of your chapters. It is in these circumstances where it is up to you to decide if they contribute enough to your story justifying their back and forth. Me? I'm easy in that regard but I am no fool either. I know when to write them out of the story. I allow them to make the choice either by word or deed and as much as it may pain me to watch them leave, when it's time...it's time.
Always remember this my beautiful people. The very best tales are the ones that have their good and bads and ups and downs. Yet one thing is certain about my book. If they were ever in it, they must have been characters of substance having their own storylines to live out so who am I to deny them such a thing? I'm out...
I cannot begin to express the impact SE Hinton books and the subsequent movies had on my childhood. To find out that SE Hinton hid her gender to get her books published was an added inspiration. It was almost as though she was on a mission to inspire irrespective the discrimination of the times. This Robert Frost piece was the diving board into the hope she would inspire writing the novel named "The Outsiders"...
The piece itself is the only one I've ever truly read as I always wanted my voice to be my own but beyond that, it serves as a clarion call to all it's readers. Nature has it's timeline as it flows in finite terms but the book added a "hope" if you will. For a humanity that grows stale and lifeless with time, SE Hinton was saying it doesn't have to be that way for us. We can still find beauty in the simple things. We can still experience love even if we've seen it whither. We can still smile at sunrises and cry at sun's setting even amidst the harshest realities. It taught me one thing that I will forever hold dear:
I can intricately know the mechanics of many things and still find wonder in their operation. I can see the future's good and bad tides but still want to brave them as unknown fascinations. To still see the beauty of all things left behind and all that is to come even when you have their detailed exposition at your disposal. Gives one the hope needed to "try" and the longing desired to "experience". Things I truly thank my Lord...I still have...
I pour my water down this funnel that flows into a tunnel hoping it makes it's journeys end for the night. Formulated by a light I keep hidden in my chest cavity keepin me safe from all I deem unworthy of my gravity. Overstayed and underplayed by undefined winds that could lead to fine or no place mine but it's always easy on my soul. Cause it aint nothin but an unimagined world of non-fiction spice tripped up by fiction diction takin it's sweet time to placate the senses. Tellin the involved and the evolved that there aint no place to go...just flow. Yeah, the sweet-like I know. So don't tell me how to act regurgitating my tact. Day breathes in my way exhaling at night...leavin details made right for you to configure and transfigure. Truth is I figure, you'll never really get it. Even when I let it...
I taunt the soothe of the blues as it settles somewhere between pain and gain, loss without cost with an unending rhyme so sublime transfixed into the mind you can't miss a note. Exhaling as it grooves prevailing over the soul. Raining down on the empty hole they left behind with a reservoir of overflow left to inspire. With no need for admiration's hydration I choose my only aspiration. That my name's donation by way of impartation remain a beautiful scar. This tiny everlasting star that lets you know: Life and love were made to live and give...forever...
What good is a soul's beating heart if not to love a soul in steady rhythm. What good are strong arms if not to hold with the strength given them. Find your heart. Find your health. Find your joy and your peace. Not in places that most have deemed distraction or entertainment as those are but externals. Instead, my loves...seek them inside you. In the reservoirs of grace given you meant for others. As you do, so you shall receive. Seek to do what you were made for... Your beauty is your gift. More than that...it is your life's fuel...I'm out ~Moses Apollo
"And I must be an acrobat to talk like this and act like that..."
A strong light shines on this strong night. The light of a distant star that can only be seen through the
backdrop of darkness. On this night, another star shines pretty as a humble silhouette breathing out
midst that can hardly be seen below. Unknown and home grown intrigues his soul unto love. She's gently walking, breathing soft then heavy. Slowly and apprehensively moving towards him. He watches every sway, taking in every glance assuredly given. The reluctant smile, the nape of her neck and the familiar beat of her heart endearing him even more...
"Sweet and soft is the breath that guides my own to my home. A place you've never known reserved for souls such as ours. Where heat is dry ice and pain is slow pleasure. Where sacred love and sinful lust share terms of agreement. Taking turns on you as flesh churns on you and air learns on you. Branding marks on you like scars craved in fantastic delusion forged into the reality of the moment made fearlessly fine. To savor the divine and feast off the wicked. To entreat soft and hard on candy, cake and steak through the give and take of rough and tender. Muscles harden for pain as your soft overlapped lips are tasted for pleasure. Manifest love...implosive explosion..."
I'm thinking just now that the title I just picked could be used as a derogatory term to describe a soul that has decided to use something deemed pure as leverage for selfish gain. Like a mother or father that uses their children against the other to gain advantage. I must confess that tonight, I'm a bit disgusted. I understand the humanity of it and on it's face, it seems like an act of desperation but to try something like this on me is bullshit.
Have you ever asked someone you shared intimate moments with a favor for someone else only for them to come back with an insinuated reply of "we need to get together first"? I understand there is shit out there in terms of mates and I also understand who and what I am but seriously? Like I'm gonna pimp myself out for a favor? A favor that is simple for this person to accomplish? It's an insult to all I am and it's a desperate act on it's face. I don't know if I'm angry, sad, flustered or worried about her. Maybe it's all of the above...I just don't know and the truth is, to me, with all I have going on, I really don't feel it's important enough to process but it makes me feel cheap to tell you the truth. If you are an adult and claim strength then carry the role with honesty. Integrity is something you can't fake because everything at some point will come to light.
Now here's the kicker for me. First I will start out by telling you a stark truth. No one will ever disappoint you as much as those that are closest to you because in them, experience has allowed you to invest conclusions about their character with a certainty that goes beyond faith. This is why I never invest such a thing fully into anyone. They are human beings just like me. They have times of weakness to contend with just like me and they will fail...just like me. I draw the line when I see my grace and trust repeatedly taken for granted because at this point, they now have this idea that they can fail you without consequence...or so I make it seem on the surface.
Forgive but always remember the incident. Silently hold onto it internally until you see a definitive change. If you see a change or an attempt at change then your faith in them to change for themselves is rewarded. If you see no change and it is something that continues to affect you...it's time for consequence. I now find myself further away from this person as "love" has been used by her before as a manipulation tactic. We have been able to maintain a good friendship till now but I foresee it will remain strained. Truth is, I have refrained from any intimacy with her for years because of this very thing. My beautiful people, I have said it before and I will say it again. I despise the phrase "If you love me, you will...". If you love me you will never preface a request with this phrase because true love does not manipulate or try to control. True love only seeks out the best for it's counterpoint...even if that means letting go.
I can become jaded or depressed by such a thing but because the love I have is mine, it cannot be shaken. My love is not dependant on what you do but what I decide to do in reaction to what you do...is very much so dependant on you. Cause and effect stands as universal law even outside the realm of "love" and as I write this, I am aware that I have already forgiven her. It's my way and I am happy to be so yet there is a "but" that needs addressing for the sake of this piece. I will love her as that is forever mine to give but I will not be stupid enough to tolerate such behavior. Always understand that love is not stupid. Love forgives and understands but it does not demand from you to play the role of doormat. That decision is yours and yours alone and I have never been stupid in this regard. I ain't about to start either.
Now, understand that I am not writing this to complain but to be able to illustrate something real. Many of you have faced this to one degree or another and have become jaded because you told yourself "I did dumb things for love". I'm here to tell you that love didn't tell you to do shit. You did that on your own. Love gave you the probability for hope, the rest was up to you and your judgement. A judgement you decided to conflate with love because you honestly believed that every decision moving forward was to based off that love. Some in fact are but many are not. You know I keep reading "ride or die" and just so that you are aware, this phrase comes from a series of entertaining movies where in one scene a car jumps through three high rises and nobody dies (crickets) Yeah...that happens. Well let me tell you something. If someone you love is about to go down in flames in a car, their love is supposed to tell you to get the fuck out and if that car is in flames because they did something stupid? You best jump out and say "I love you...but seeya...". Love didn't tell them to deal drugs and love didn't tell them to involve you in it. That was them. Ride or die!?! Fuck that... In too many cases, love gets a bad rap. Don't ever let anyone or anything take you to the place that has you giving up on love. Best give up on them before you give up on love. They fucked up...love didn't. I'm out and I'm spent...
There are moments in time when the air changes. The atmosphere is palpable with grace and tenderness. When the stars become clearer at night and a subtle breeze touches you beneath the layers of your skin under a shining sun by day. If you're too busy you can miss it. If you're sleeping, it'll pass you by. "Awake", it has the ability to caress you for the rest of the year. The shift is so subtle very few can find it but if you do your hairs stand on end because crossing passed that veil...everything has meaning and purpose. Musical notes find their place in your soul like nothing else. The touch of skin becomes a ceremony akin to prayer and a kiss lingers even after your lips have ceased their press. It means that something called "good" is about to permeate my skies and I will find more to inspire as though a piece of sacred coal has touched my lips. I will find more to take me past the shores into new lands across oceans. I will "see" much more. My eyes will witness pretty smiles. My eyes will see my family blessed beyond what was expected. My eyes will see my friends find resolution. My ears will hear new songs in the old and my hands will build upon what is established foundation. I will see it all...and I will be grateful. Can you feel it too? Stand still, close your eyes, empty your mind of care and breath in the moment. Don't let it pass you by...
Something called "good". Tonight...I claim it all..
