Y estoy en necesidad. Quiero absolutotamente nada... Lo tengo todo y no lo sabia y aunque lo tenga todo...quiero de ti...todavia quiero de ti. Me ensenaste tu cara...quiero de ti. Me ensenaste tu corazon...quiero de ti. Me ensenaste tu cuerpo...y todavia quiero de ti...
Ultimamente...quiero de la cual no ha tenido. La que me quiere a mi tambien...quiero de ti...
Tocar tu cara con mis labios, tocar tu cuerpo con mis manos y tocar tu corazon con el mio...quiero de ti...
Well what do I say about Millie. What can I say that I haven't written countless times or recanted to friends and lovers alike about the mother of my children. One of the greatest loves of my life. This woman has seen me grow into the man I am...largely due to our love. She took it all...the good, the bad and the ugly. We earned our place beside each other and she is one person I would trust with my life. I have found none to match her strength, honor and sense of self-worth. Something that is a rare among humans today. I am blessed to have loved her with true passion, blessed to have seen her grow into the woman she is, blessed that she carries my name, blessed to have fathered her children and blessed that today, I can call her friend...even still.
Take a good look folks. THIS is what I call...a woman...
Happy birthday babe...may our Lord continue to shine upon you and make this new year a springboard into great things.
When I set out this road to single-dom I had no idea what it would take to be "single". I really thought it would be easy. I thought I'd just be able to pull a switch and turn into someone that didn't think about consequence or another person's feelings. I find myself now looking back at hearts I've left behind. Beautiful souls that stay with me still but sadly know that I will never be more than what I am to them right now. Some are okay with it, others...not so much.
Today's single life demands that you not give a sh*t about feelings, age or maturity. You have to get "it" wherever and whenever you can. With whomever is available and half-way decent. Diseases and mental issues are an afterthought; two things a condom and a 3AM escape will fix right up. A mindset that is no mindset. It's just the "now" attitude that is driven by a selfish desire without thought or reservation. It is something a man or woman of conscience has a very difficult time with and I for one, refuse to sucumb. I am very far from being a prude yet there are boundaries I will not cross. My cup carries so much in it that I will always be in a position "to know better" and being the man that I am...to that I will stay true.
To some my way will be counted as "old" or "outdated" but I could give a sh*t. I live and breathe in a world called "responsibility". It's a grown up world where you live on your own. You take care of yourself and those you are responsible for. You carry lives on your shoulders making them like boulders strong enough to take on anything thrown at you. It's a world where you are held accountable for your actions...now...or even later. It's a world of men and women that do what they must to live as honorably as they can. At most...in character. It's what keeps our children looking up to us. It's what makes our parents proud. It's what you admire...
I choose to live eternally as a man of honor than to exchange it for anything temporal...even if I seem to "miss out"...later
Just one year ago he slept beside the one he thought would be the love of his life. Now to reach over and find "empty" as the night air carries a sound...even a silence. Even a whisper of "good night, I love you". There is no hate in his heart, nor is there sadness. Only the memory of moments in the Fall. Where he savored the idea that he could love this one so much. Where he finally came to realize that whatever moments he had left with her...had to mean something. Where he knew...they had an end...
"Night air growing cold
His solice getting old Yet pride's left to deceive
This man he faced reflection
Heard sweetly laced inflection
Of she who had to leave..."
There she is...that flame untamed by wisdom and all manner of "right". She taunts and haunts me at night when I'm alone...stripped down to the bone. Thirsty for water, hungry for food. That aimless desire that dictates my mood. Awake to feel as I heal from everything dead. Her color? Red and black but sometimes white only cause it "feels" right...doesn't make it so. I grow to know this flame has no name or face to place the chase it generates...but I look anyway. I am a fool.
The road to her is boundless within boundaries, unlimited within limits and undying...among the dead.
Awesome words to me...words of my father. Words I have used on my own children for years. My two boys and their lives outshine any and all manner of storm that comes my way. Their hearts and how they feel put into proper perspective all the little bullsh*t that causes me pain. All that sh*t fades in the light of my ultimate calling..."father". I remember why I never cry over spilt milk. They jar my memory to recollect that there are so many more important things in life that require my energy and attention. Being a good father is top among them. We try so hard as parents not to repeat the mistakes of our own but my father didn't make many and I truly thank my God for such a gift. Tonight, I thank God so much that he gave me someone that showed me how to be there for my own. Not just to be someone that makes sure they have a meal every night but much more than just that...someone they could always turn to. Someone that offers guidance without judgement. Truth is I could never judge my own because doing so means I would judge myself. As young as I am, my memory is still fresh as to how stupid I was at their age lol How could I judge them for being just like their dad lol My babies are growing up and I remain a proud father...even when they fail. I am raising men...to be men. It is truly an awesome endeavor. Wow...
This is one of the main reasons I always say..."I am 37 going on 65" ;-)
Well now, somebody I found to be very endearing wanted to know the aftermath of a situation she comes across on a regular basis. What situation you might ask? When an ex decides it "right" to send flowers to a past flame on their birthday. Something I've continued to do for my ex-wife...even after being divorced for two and a half years. She doesn't like flowers but it's my way so she gladly accepts them and says "thank you". On this occasion for my ex-girlfriend...yeah that didn't happen lol
I decided "well, why not send something Jen's way". I know she normally doesn't get anything like this on her birthday and given that I've been feeling better about my place in our past, I thought it the right thing to do. I expected nothing back. I expected no "thank you", no phone call, email or text. Again...I expected nothing. I even thought she might receive them and given her state of mind, probably set them on fire. Even posting pics of the blaze on facebook to prove how "strong" she is in a "Thelma and Louise" kind of way lol That probably would've been cool but...yeah that didn't happen.
I get a call from the flower shop telling me that she rejected the flowers...blow number one. Blow number two came later when I find out that the rejection came with a message attached saying that I was her "ex-husband" and that I had gone "coo coo". Yes, the word "coo coo" was used in the message lol To reject the flowers that were simply meant as a token of good will is f*cked up on it's own BUT to add an implication that I was harassing her by sending her flowers on her birthday is beyond the f*cking pale. I know that game and I don't play that sh*t. On top of all that...when the f*ck did we get married? Sh*t...I must've missed that. I could hear the complaint now; "he sent me f*cking flowers...what an a**hole!!!" lol Now it sounds like I'm making light of it but the truth is that writing about all this is cathartic. As a result, I can appreciate the humor associated with it but when it happened I can tell you that I truly felt crushed and humiliated. It hurt like you wouldn't believe...really.
You see folks, I know I did the right thing. That's all I wanted to do. It was never an attempt to get her back or even reach out. It was a gesture for someone I once cared about on her birthday with no agenda associated. I'm not an a**hole. You see we ended well but what happened afterward was just so asinine that we couldn't continue communicating. I won't air all the sh*t but in any event, that does not change who I am. My previous post remains because it is the truth. Now I can allow this event to bring back all the resentment I felt or I can take it as a lesson learned. What did I learn? To simplify this boys and girls...stay true to who you are. Send your flowers, write your poetry. Do how you do but don't be a fool. Expect every scenario...even ones that make no f*cking sense at all. Guard your heart from disappointment and as my "real" ex-wife likes to say..."stay classy" lol
Onto my next agenda...Moe 2.0 ;-)
Oh and just for the record...this was the message I sent with the flowers:
"The field of green goes unseen by eyes that age as tender memories hide. Drowning moments past creating faint echoes of what was...yet promises of men remain. Not for gain or malice but for honor and care. For absent, silent love and passion that has no home...or place in time. I will always remember you on your day. Happy Birthday Jennifer...be blessed"
Yeah, I know what you're thinking..."what an a**hole" ;-)
I begin this post with a sigh lol Today is Jennifer's birthday. Jennifer...my most recent ex and at one time the love of my life. My time with her can only be described as extreme. Passionate throughout the spectrum of every emotion one can possibly have. Always looking to land somewhere managable but never given the time needed to find that "middle"...something required for what I sought. It was the kind of rollercoaster ride that proved turbulent at times. That as soon as I got off, I felt like passing out lol. Yet...like any awesome rollercoaster ride, in time you can always look back and say..."f*ck yeah!!!". Even though you come off a bit beaten up or even scarred up, you are glad you can say..."I did that...I got to love that way".
She was my muse for quite a season...for both the good and the bad. That relationship produced some of the best heartfelt writing I have ever written. The longing, the lust, the pain, the anger, the bitterness and finally...the resolve. All centered within embers of passion that would not die. Embers that refused to be put out by all manner of "bitter cold" thrown their way. Today I am glad for my seclusion. I am glad that I have stared at everything that went wrong for as long as I have. Yet I am mostly glad that I have been able to see past that wrong and settle into a place where I can truly appreciate what went right. That's called real healing folks. "Moving on" is not what you think. My motion is not "onward" but "forward". Moving "onward" requires one to press on while denying all pain and hurt. Moving "forward" gives one time to heal before taking another step. I for one, take all my memories along as gifts and additions to my soul. Moments the real me could never "pretend" away.
We havent spoken in some time and I don't know if that will ever be possible. She may never read this and it doesn't matter to me. She is a chapter perpetually written into the pages of my life's book. It's a great f*ckin read lol This will always remain true no matter where my feelings go from here. I am who I am and I have made it clear that I will write the truth on this blog. Today...this is the truth.
I lost myself on a cool damp night
Gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree
I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see
and be what I want to be
When I think more than I want to think
Do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because (it) brings me back you...
Lilac wine is sweet and heady, like my love
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, like my love
Listen to me... I cannot see clearly
Isn't that she coming to me nearly here?
Lilac wine is sweet and heady where's my love?
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, where's my love?
Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?
Isn't that she, or am I just going crazy, dear?
Lilac Wine, I feel unready for my love...
Elkie Brooks, Jeff Buckley, Nina Simone and now this version...from The Cinematic Orchestra. They change the lyrics slighty but it's meaning is still intact. In almost any rendition this song is beautifully haunting. An amazingly written song that can only be performed by true artists. Elegant, blissful, sad and honest. Like I said...amazing.
