I begin this post with a sigh lol Today is Jennifer's birthday. Jennifer...my most recent ex and at one time the love of my life. My time with her can only be described as extreme. Passionate throughout the spectrum of every emotion one can possibly have. Always looking to land somewhere managable but never given the time needed to find that "middle"...something required for what I sought. It was the kind of rollercoaster ride that proved turbulent at times. That as soon as I got off, I felt like passing out lol. Yet...like any awesome rollercoaster ride, in time you can always look back and say..."f*ck yeah!!!". Even though you come off a bit beaten up or even scarred up, you are glad you can say..."I did that...I got to love that way".
She was my muse for quite a season...for both the good and the bad. That relationship produced some of the best heartfelt writing I have ever written. The longing, the lust, the pain, the anger, the bitterness and finally...the resolve. All centered within embers of passion that would not die. Embers that refused to be put out by all manner of "bitter cold" thrown their way. Today I am glad for my seclusion. I am glad that I have stared at everything that went wrong for as long as I have. Yet I am mostly glad that I have been able to see past that wrong and settle into a place where I can truly appreciate what went right. That's called real healing folks. "Moving on" is not what you think. My motion is not "onward" but "forward". Moving "onward" requires one to press on while denying all pain and hurt. Moving "forward" gives one time to heal before taking another step. I for one, take all my memories along as gifts and additions to my soul. Moments the real me could never "pretend" away.
We havent spoken in some time and I don't know if that will ever be possible. She may never read this and it doesn't matter to me. She is a chapter perpetually written into the pages of my life's book. It's a great f*ckin read lol This will always remain true no matter where my feelings go from here. I am who I am and I have made it clear that I will write the truth on this blog. Today...this is the truth.
Happy birthday Jennifer
She was my muse for quite a season...for both the good and the bad. That relationship produced some of the best heartfelt writing I have ever written. The longing, the lust, the pain, the anger, the bitterness and finally...the resolve. All centered within embers of passion that would not die. Embers that refused to be put out by all manner of "bitter cold" thrown their way. Today I am glad for my seclusion. I am glad that I have stared at everything that went wrong for as long as I have. Yet I am mostly glad that I have been able to see past that wrong and settle into a place where I can truly appreciate what went right. That's called real healing folks. "Moving on" is not what you think. My motion is not "onward" but "forward". Moving "onward" requires one to press on while denying all pain and hurt. Moving "forward" gives one time to heal before taking another step. I for one, take all my memories along as gifts and additions to my soul. Moments the real me could never "pretend" away.
We havent spoken in some time and I don't know if that will ever be possible. She may never read this and it doesn't matter to me. She is a chapter perpetually written into the pages of my life's book. It's a great f*ckin read lol This will always remain true no matter where my feelings go from here. I am who I am and I have made it clear that I will write the truth on this blog. Today...this is the truth.
Happy birthday Jennifer
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