The Difference... Redux...

"I'm a full grown man...

I'm a natural born lovers man..."

For quite awhile, I've skirted around the question: "what makes you so different?" when it comes to intimacy. Is it technique or is it something more? I will never detail it out fully as that is something exclusively mine but even on the surface of what I will offer to explain, most will never truly get it in this climate. What climate you ask? The climate that dictates the differences between masculine and feminine energies... as though these were palpably listed in neat alphabetical order. There is a reason we are designed to have both testosterone and estrogen flowing through us in a harmonious imbalance that is specific to gender. We are meant to "fit" like puzzle pieces that match. Pieces that can co-exist on their own but when put together... create a bigger, more perfect picture.

These days, men and women have wandered into each others roles since the early attempts at trying to understand each other. Yet in the pursuit of such a noble endeavor, they have gone way too far along their journeys and have completely forgotten where they came from. What does this have to do with "what makes me so different"? Mindset... while most men have discarded their bit of feminine in an attempt to overdose on masculinity as an answer to feminism... I have kept mine. While most men have sex from the viewpoint of a man... I have always kept to heart that I am there to do for the woman I love first and not to simply "bust a nut". As such... I had decided to first, learn from a woman... what makes a woman. Learning to love every inch of her body. Seeing the potential in the beautiful peaks and valleys. Seeing her as an island worth exploring. Becoming empathetic to her body's movement and desires. Actually giving a sh*t that she gets off in the best possible way. Yes... a woman WILL cum being "f*cked" as a man would "f*ck" but consider the pleasure a woman receives from another woman and ask yourself how that can be so explosive... even without a dildo. In my initial studies, I took this very question heavily into account and realized something profound. Porn is designed from the male perspective and that masculine vantage point has been accepted by many women as what is expected from them to achieve pleasure for themselves. In their usual description of what they "like" (based on what they know) in bed, you will find many detailing out a man's fantasy and to be sure, there is no wrong in it... I just find it skewed and as such limited. Think about that the next time a young girl talks about "wanting to get choked out". Is it exciting? Sure... but is it optimal pleasure from the feminine vantage point?... or the masculine? Even some women that are intimate with each other have been subconsciously influenced to perform what a man would want to "watch". On the topic of "control", it has been one of my most illuminating discoveries.

What I know (purely anecdotal on my part) is this: When switching between two extremes I've found the pleasure more intense for a woman when she is risen like a wave into ecstasy than when there is the  simple "plug and play" without much thought. "Plug and play" has an inevitability due to the mechanics of it but there is not much else there and in truth... all that can be achieved on their own. You are nothing but a body in that case but when care and love is involved in the desire to please (which should be everytime no matter the session... short or long) there is a sense that an "experience" just took place. My way involves incorporating both depending on the flow. Once that is established a few times, it is learned and becomes baked in. An unparalleled freedom takes hold and that flow is developed. A flow that needs nothing more than a look to get it started. You have no idea how many times I've heard a woman say she has a problem having a clitoral orgasm with a man. When I was married, BOTH my then wife and I were shocked to hear this was a reality and came to find out in short order, after our divorce, that it is more common than we thought. We realized that we were the odd ones and that our mindset was completely different than what was in the zeitgeist. So what then was happening? All mechanics... no empathy... no feeling. Just a "f*ck" for the sake of the f*ck" (purely masculine energy) and many came to believe the erroneous idea that this was interchangeable with making love.

So where does that take us now? First... stop with the sexual revolution bullsh*t. Drop the "red-pill" & 3rd wave feminist garbage and get back to being complete human beings. You are both masculine and feminine... embrace them both according to your innate design. Take this understanding into all your interactions... especially intimacy. Learn each other through empathy and when you are "together"... do FOR each other... and not just yourselves. Men, she's gonna say she wants what you want in the beautiful attempt to please you but understand that she may not know or has ever experienced the slow burn of her feminine erogenous zones. If you truly love her or are simply looking to be a better lover... get in touch with your feminine bit and learn where those are on her. Hint: It's usually beneath the skin ;-) 

So folks, by design, this is only a general outline of "what makes me so different" and I will say it now: All I described will fall on quite a few deaf ears because all this takes time to develop the sincerity required to make it work as it should and we live in a fast food, paint by numbers society. I'm sure someone will come up with a category to put me in someday but am I now and will forever remain the unconventional lover that I am... and proud to be so. 

It is what it is... and I am what I am... I'm out...

~moses apollo      

Release Them...

"I know the waves will come... by the moon and the tide

Like a man and his bride... I will wait on you, Lord

And we will run so far from here

To your... safety..."

There's an anguish somewhere that remains hidden... and silent. It's not mine. What is going on? It's so used to being kept... the tears won't even drop. Oh but they weld up... until the busy mind shuts them off on purpose. You shake your head bewildered: "No time for that... no time". Make time... This is not strength. Strength is facing them and not allowing yourself to get lost in despair. I know the worry is falling into a depression but you MUST face them... whoever you are... release them. It's the only way you can truly heal. If I can feel it... it is because I am meant to. I'm here and I "see" you... it's ok...

~moses apollo

Nuestra Cancion (Our Song)...

 

"Con flores..."

I told you goodbye

You came late to say goodbye

And if the hasty destiny wanted to hurt us

I discovered a solution for the pain

I made the song

That you ask me for when I didn't love you

While you laughed, the sun caressed my heart

With Flowers

You took my sadness away with colors

You drew the nobility of the hand

By your side, our illusion grew

We gave ourselves to each other blindly

Even though many opposed

We concealed our love, we made up

In each corner, our song

A goodbye

Wasn't enough for us to bid farewell

And if destiny didn't manage to predict it

You taught me a solution for the pain

It was the song

That I asked you when you still didn't want me

Where everything was just fantasy

Who would say, the sun made your heart veer

With flowers

I'd remember your beauty in colors

I'd take your hand by surprise

Next to you our hope grew

Blindly, we handed ourselves

Although many oppose it

We hide our love, we reinvent us each other

In every spot, our song...

Tell the gardener I'm bringing flowers

Tell the gardener I'm bringing love

Tell the gardener I'm bringing flowers

Tell the gardener I'm bringing love

With Flowers

You took my sadness away with colors

You drew the nobility of the hand

By your side, our illusion grew

We gave ourselves to each other blindly

Even though many opposed

We concealed our love, we made up

In each corner, our song

~Monsieur Periné

You Just Do...

"You're the one I'm calling on

You're the one who's calling me to have it..."

How do you know?

The simple answer? You just do...

You go home after meeting them briefly and you wonder why you can't stop thinkin of them. You chalk it up to lust because you find them not just physically attractive... but sexually compatible in style and movement. You think to yourself... "well, this will pass". After all, you seen that a thousand times before... but the curiosity lingers and the more you hear from them... the more you are intrigued. To make things worse, you start noticing the beauty in the small things they say and do and in one instance, you come across a pic, that for some unknown reason, produced a warmth from heart to throat... A pic that moved you to outwardly declare: "whoa". Not because of how it looked to you... but because of how it made you feel. One of the major moments... you found out there was something more here...

You start getting to know each other unseen and begin to notice an annoyance in the lack of logic there is in missing someone you've spent very little time with... and it tickles you. When you do get together, the awkward feeling you experience says "we've been here numerous times before in the landscape of our minds but never in a manifest world... do we act the same?... is touching you even ok?". You think to yourself "why am I so uncomfortable around them?", only putting that together later. Questions build and linger but you press on knowing what you know... that there has to be something beautiful here... and you're endeavoring to find out by squeezing every inch of that fruit. You just don't really know where to begin with something whose origins began in such deep waters... so time passes. As the dials on the clock turn, so does your resolve...

You do your best to convince yourself it was an infatuation and a dream because at some point, it hurt too much to wait... and you do your best to let it go but every once and awhile... it comes right back again. You start to wonder all over again... "what could be... or could've been" and like a memory that stows in the back of the windmills of your heart... there is no end to it because the truth is... you were right the first time.

What do I do? I simply surrender to the truth of it. I already know what I know and I need no convincing of any other reality as to accept anything else would be to delude myself. If frustration and anger won't do it... conventional logic will do it even less. It is what it is but understand that to accept this truth will not define my actions or lack thereof. It only lets me know that there is someone out there I know I can love (or love already) and I'm ok with that. I walk my path and see where it leads me. I've just learned that when true love has not been violated by egregious human failure... no door is ever truly mine to close. My path may lead me to them again... or towards someone new. In either case... I'd be meeting someone I can love and will love till the day I die. That is not such a bad thing my beautiful people... I'm out...

~moses apollo  

Love Anyway...

To my lovers and friends,

In almost every situation imaginable involving humans, you will face pain, confusion and disillusionment... and you will be tempted to become cold or turn into something you never hoped you'd be as a defense mechanism. Likewise, also due to humans that are not "you", you will be pigeon-holed, judged and unfairly lumped in with those that look or sound just like you... and you will be tempted to want to change to differentiate yourself from the counterfeits and the manipulators.

Well I'm here to tell you something. Outside of growth that sees you enhancing your awareness to the fraudulent, please don't change a thing. Stay beautiful, loving and accessible (only adding new safeguards based on your newfound awareness). Stay hopeful, true and passionate. Continue giving folk the benefit of the doubt once you've deemed them worthy and be mindful never to lose the "beautiful" God has graced you with since birth. Stay and continue becoming... all the "beautiful" you were meant to be. 

If only you could see what I see in you. The light beyond the glorious proportions... the kind that shines on past those beautiful eyes. The loving in your care. The tenderness of the impromptu embrace within your smile. You'd understand why "the enemy" wants you dead inside and cynical. Why the counterfeit want you for themselves and why you are made to suffer unto growth. Why, for most of your life, you've been targeted for destruction. You'd understand it all and see that all they tried to rob from you... makes you priceless beyond anything else and why after all we've gone through... I STILL house you in my heart with the same love. Your world & those that orbit it... need you in all your glory. 

I could never explain it all but in a nutshell... love anyway. That doesn't mean that you continue loving with eyes closed as you once did. It only means that you understand that just like character and anything else inside... the love we offer has to mature just the same. It will go through the same growing pains as all the rest until it exists impenetrable, immovable and sound. Your so-called failures were never meant to close off its source but instead... they were meant to force the source of your love to endure unto refining growth beyond them. So know that it'll be OK... and love anyway, my beautiful souls. As for me... I promised to love you no matter what... it's still true. I'm out...

Love...

~moses apollo

My Kind Of Valentine...

 

"Settle down, don't say a word... It's all been said before"

He wrote a piece of music that resonated in her soul & miles away... she added words. He heard them & flew her out to make this masterpiece. This is a romance of a different kind. Where two pieces fit to make something special. Where a moment and/or moments... are immortalized. For nothing more than hope, love... and passion. THIS... is my kind of Valentine...

~moses apollo

The Power Of Intimacy... "And I Kiss You..."

As I roll over to my side in bed... I can sometimes see, just inches from my face, the beautiful face of one I've imagined holding many times. Even as she lay down far from me, on her side of the world, I see her open her eyes as if she can see me too... and am moved to watch her beautiful lips softly utter my name... and I kiss her. 

In my training hours, when all intensity is heightened, I can suddenly see us walking side by side, wondering if it's finally ok to hold hands without the fear of having to let go. To then come to a slow strategic pause that allows me to pull her in close for a satisfying hug. One that says, "we don't have to say a word"... and I kiss her. 

In my dreams of her... under the cloud of an unbridled passion. Under this mutual spell of wonderment, where two celestial bodies come to clash and rend their mortal coil to become one at touch and play, I explore every curve of her naked body before me with all the measure of gratitude the moment affords. Falling deeper with every mile... and I kiss her.

Times and seasons change. Souls come and go... but hearts remain to dream and hope. To breathe life and grace into what we've deemed too late, far fetched... or maybe even far gone. To breathe into destiny delayed... what is seldom ever seen dead. Living for the chance and expectation of all we know to be true inside. That true love is a constant that cannot die. One that proudly declares: "I "saw" you first... and such a thing makes you forever mine my love" ;-)

...and I kiss you...

Happy Valentines Day

~moses apollo

Can't Shake It...

"Antes de huir

Analicemos lo que nos pasó

¿Por qué se apagó? La inercia

Sigue empujándome a este rincón..."

Still feeling "off". Trying to ignore it and see what comes. It's beginning to feel... overwhelming. Like too many things... all happening at once... and I can't seem to pinpoint one. Part of it feels like eyes (or hearts) on me and I know that's some of it but I also know there's more to this than that. I've learned throughout my time not to dismiss such perceptions as simple paranoia. For now... I'll wait in silence. Should be an interesting month...

I can feel a tropical breeze that caresses my bare skin in a faraway Caribbean land where everyone speaks my second language. A place I've been to as a child. We're just walkin on the beach for no other reason but that we can... We have no care... I'm good and you're happy. Sometimes I wish I didn't know all I know and sometimes I wish I had someone I could tell all things to that understood me fully... sometimes. Comes and goes you know? Anyway... I'm out... 

~moses apollo 

Something "Strange"...

"to me... you're strange and you're beautiful..."

Ok so where to begin this one. What I've found absolutely amazing is that since I've been somewhat clearer about my "relationship" views, I've seen a seeming burgeoning curiosity forming around me. I have to admit it's somewhat refreshing to not have women tip toeing around my "status"... "interested" but afraid of what I might say if approached. Folks, explaining where I stand isn't so easy to digest for most, even under the simplest explanation but I think now that it has an adjacent label ("ENM" ugh), it's become more palpable. However, it does reveal a thing; I truly believe there is a curiosity because there is a desire to stave off loneliness... without the bullsh*t. Does my way do that? In a sense... yes. Is it for everyone? Unfortunately... no. In fact, my "clarification" may have opened new doors but I'm afraid it may have closed others that stood open for some that I loved. I guess we'll see in time.

In my earlier screed I wrote that some women wanted to keep our get togethers secret out of fear that they'd be seen "mixing" with someone that openly & freely spoke to so many women. Why? Because "no respectable woman would be caught dead with a man like that. Of course such a man would have to be a cheater and a cad. Someone that just sleeps with everyone!!". So, instead of telling them I wasn't like that and that we had an unconventional arrangement... they'd usually say nothing as they'd be deemed "suckers" by their fake ass friends and family if they did. To everyone in our orbit, we were just good friends and I understood it (and still do). I honestly didn't care (still don't) and like I said... I'd oblige but what it said then and what I'm seeing now is that such a thing among consenting adults has quietly been (and is being) seen as a real world option among the mature and the stable. I think it may have something to do with the quality (and lack thereof) of "mates" out there. This is not for f-boys and chicken-heads so such a thing would organically exclude them altogether. Especially since that kind of emotional immature temperament wouldn't be conducive to such arrangements. This is almost tailor-made for folk that (after much trial and error) have come to the conclusion that the conventional requires an old school sincere perspective that's near impossible to find these days and that waiting for this to come may take longer than is feasible. As well as for those that have come to love their freedom but don't wish to remain alone. It makes a whole lot of sense but questions remain:

Questions like: can the caveats be mitigated with the right attitude? Right attitudes that require the right perspective and the right people?... maybe so. You figure that since all this requires truth and transparency, there can be no cheating. Especially since the nature of cheating requires the deceptive breaking of a monogamous contract. With no need for deception, there is very little room for betrayal but wouldn't it happen anyway due to ego and the need to compete with the "other" mate and/or mates? (IF that winds up being in the mix) We all know that ego exists, even among the mature, so to believe that it wouldn't happen is naïve. Also, given these are not one night stands or your standard fly-by-nights, heavy emotional content would be involved... wouldn't that make it even more difficult? Again, maybe so... especially in my case as I need that aspect to truly surrender into the moment. Without the beauty of which there would be no connection or profound experience and not having that... would defeat my purpose. LOTS to think about yes?... not so simple!! Yet to me... the weight of my freedom's "cause" was worth the effort it took in the reworking of my perspective and mindset. An almost impossible task for some.

So... I will end this one with something that may have informed my process. Growing up, I remember sleeping at a family members' house that was older. Can't for the life of me remember who she was (or even how we were related) but what I DO remember was all of us cousins going to bed one night and some dude showin up as I went to the bathroom... only to slink shoeless into her room. This cat made sure to leave before we woke up (didn't see any trace of him in the morning). You see it was odd because we all knew she lived alone and had no "significant other". After awhile, I found out through another relative that "so-and-so" had a very good "friend" that would pay her visits from time to time. She desperately loved him but did not want the "hassle" of being "tied down" to any man and he, at his age... felt the same way. Given their past relationships, they'd imagined that sharing too much air and space would suffocate their flame. They'd do things together and were intimate but lived separate lives. She kept it quiet because my family were all traditionalist to a fault. I remembered those details because I always thought to myself that such a thing was THE most heartbreakingly mature romance I'd ever heard of. Two people, wanting to remain together so badly... they remained apart. It was pragmatic, unorthodox and tragically beautiful... I "got it". So you see my beautiful people, in what most see as something "strange"... I can clearly see the magic in it. It might be why I despise lists and criteria when it comes to love and passion. They had their views but they made it work because they loved each other... they had no choice. Of all that I am and all that I am designed to be... I have no choice either... but to love as a free man of honor.

In all this "clarification", there is still no "one way" for me but as of now, this is one of the main ways I have chosen to live. I value my freedom for greater reasons than just "not being tied down". I honestly didn't expect to write of this again but here we are... this is me. I'm out...

~moses apollo   

Don't Want To Wake...

"...an ocean so deep, he'll drown in his sleep..."

Breathless... looking into those eyes from a distance for the first time. Where all you can articulate is a soft... "wow". A file is then opened in your heart in the shape of an old scroll and with a centuries old quill you begin to write about the wonders found in the outlines of her beautiful face. About the deep ocean in those eyes you wouldn't mind navigating... and about a heart you wouldn't mind catching. You start to imagine what it'd be like holding that face in the palm of your hands and what it'd be like to see her smile. What it'd be like to hold her and and pull her in close. To be able to kiss her with the familiarity of a couple caught in a fresh romance. What would it be like to have her be pleased... simply by your presence...

Arriving at a place where a word or two is shared, something clicks and in a split second you feel you can love her... and you also know that by the tell she graciously allows you to see... she feels it too. That hello glance that lasted a few seconds too long and the handshake that grazed hands right to the end of your fingertips. Peripherals revealing focus as curiosity rising into it's own level of control. All the while, both of you desperately trying your best to temper your smiles and looks of interest. Here, in this moment... the scroll begins to receive it's own breath... into a beautiful reality...

And you tell yourself... "Damn, she's beautiful...". You don't want to wake...

~moses apollo

The Code And The Married Man...

"And the night portrays us

The moon betrays us

And the dark uncovers us

And under the covers

Lying Second hand lovers tonight"

I knew this cat that used to work for the telephone company as an Installation/Repair tech back when it was called Nynex. He was stationed in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn. The techs affectionately called it "The Burg". A place with neighborhoods that seemed to have blocks that were exclusive to race. One such neighborhood that was predominantly Hispanic was as rich in Puerto Rican culture as it was women... and there were flags everywhere. Spanish ghettos... before they became exclusively ratchet, had some of THE finest NY Rican women imaginable. To add some context to the story, it was Ghettos like this that had JLO clones by the half dozen just hangin out in front of most buildings. One sunny afternoon, this cat saw a job call in one of these neighborhoods. Didn't think anything of it. Made it to the job site, rang the bell and walked up the 3 flights. He knocked on the door and it slightly opened... suddenly closing after he had identified himself. He heard a female voice on the other side of the door say "could you give me a minute?" to which he responded "no problem". To his surprise... he heard the shower begin to spray...

After a good 10 minutes, he heard her ask him to come inside. He opened the door to find that this was a dimly lit studio apartment and the shades were drawn. He shut the door and turned around to see a young woman in nothing but a towel. Hair dripping wet, fine as hell... and a body for days. She seductively began making it obvious that she was checking him out. Walkin closer to him, she sheepishly asked "so what do you need me to do?" and he, with impressive stoism said "I need to get to the box that is probably in the basement". Her demeanor changed into one that was perplexed and she proceeded to get dressed as he waited in the hallway. She led him down to the basement and he was able to find the box. As he drew close to the box, she slid in front of it... just inches in front of his face. In that moment of truth, as a passionate kiss was expected, he said "excuse me I have to work" lol This young woman sucked her teeth and left. This had happened to him before and it would happen again... with the same result.

Disappointed? Yeah tough titties, I was married then lol Now folks, when I say "I was married then", I don't mean it the way men mean it today. When I said "I love my wife"... I actually meant it. Code, honor and love was king. Virtues I consider akin to black coffee are now diluted by extra water, sugar and processed bullsh*t and these temptations came to me in ways that most men today would NOT be able to handle. They came to me in ways that I could've kept quiet. From women most men would call me stupid for denying. Do I regret not taking part today in a single mans mindset? Hell no!! Why? I'll say it again: I was married then!! I don't regret staying faithful to my then wife in the slightest and you're damn right that goes right into my "resume". Men would read that story and call me an idiot. Women would read that and sigh. Why? Because any woman worth her salt will always take into account how a man treats and/or treated the women in his life when looking into the measure of that man. Again... I'm not perfect and some of those were hard to say no to but being married meant something. It carried real weight but today? What do you get from many so-called "married men"? A whole lot of BS artists claiming to be "men" that quickly turn into little boys at the chance at bagging someone other than their wife. The stories I'm hearing are unreal. Even from men no one would suspect... "family men" that actually espouse the virtues of being married. Get them alone with a fine ass woman and watch them get to flirting with intent to fold. 

I'm so over this age it's unreal. The amount of people that are full of sh*t is staggering. As such, I continue to implore you all to vet all romantic prospects before sleeping with them even more than I have before. Too many stories are comin my way. Some of these losers (a must mention now after hearing it from several people) will even claim they are divorcing their wives during a separation they know will eventually resolve itself. Ladies, PLEASE take my moms advice in these situations: Do NOTHING until that divorce is in. Before doing anything with anyone, I waited until my divorce was final AND I also made sure that we both put up social media postings attesting to this fact. This way, there would be no question in the hearts of whoever we were with. If you all haven't figured it out by now... I like to be transparent and I hate playing games. Which is precisely why I get irked by all the stuff I'm seeing and hearing from women that don't deserve to be scammed. They are looking for real love and connection but keep running into counterfeits. Coming to talk to me about it a bit more jaded every time. Something that eventually can take it's toll into the death of hope altogether. Why? Cause some dickhead wanted to "get off" and didn't have the confidence or the tools to play it straight. I truly believe that men of honor have a duty to be mindful when dealing a with what my father would describe as "a good woman". They are a rare beauty and should be able to have at least one man in their life they could point to as being an example of what a man of honor truly looks like. That they should never lose hope that one exists.

So to my brothers I say this: a man without a code of honor is no man and a code of honor that does not include a measure of self-sacrifice is akin to having no code at all. Be better and stay real even at cost. Trust me when I say that you will go much further in life in the freedom honor, truth and transparency provide. I'm out...

~moses apollo

Yesterday...

I was given an opportunity to speak in front of a courtroom on the behalf of someone I loved... and I had no fear. The initial trepidation to speak in front of an audience is daunting as you go up to any podium but once you're there and have something to say... say all you need to... HOW you need to. 

Of course, as it happens, when someone my size raises his voice, folk tend to get a bit twitchy. As such, after scoring some much needed points, I was escorted out by five Marshals. It was an eventful day.

Now we wait to see what the judge will say to the request presented... it's in Gods hands now. This is something that has been looming over much of my life. A burden that has been appointed to me from years back and I must see it through. At my own expense if necessary as more than one life is at stake. Some get it... some don't... but that's not something I can do anything about. I only ask that you all keep me & mine in prayer. I'm out...

~moses apollo