Amazing Talent and Performance...

Te Vistes De Azul Para Opacar El Cielo,
You dress of blue to overshadow the sky
Y Consigues Espejos Para Estar Bien Segura,
And you look for mirrors to make certain
Que Eres Bella,
That you are beautiful
Y Que Hay Que Ofrecerte Tributos De Sol Si Regalas Un Beso.
And that others must offer you tributes of sunshine if you gift them a kiss

Narciso El Instinto Que Domina Tu Esencia,
Narcissistic instincts that dominate your essence
Y Es Idiota El Consumo De Mi Tiempo Contigo,
And idiotic was my time consumed with you
Sueños Rotos,
Broken dreams
Los Que Me Vas Dejando En Mi Activo De Vida.
Those you leave with me throughout my life actions

De Que Me Sirve Tu Cuerpo,
What good does your body do me
Si Lo Administras Con Saldos De Los Que Quieres Darme,
If it's given on lines of credit you want to give me
De Que Me Sirve Tu Boca,
What good does your mouth do me
Si Se Te Caen Los Besos Y Los Recojo Humillado.
If your kisses fall and I have to pick them up in shame

Mujer De Lujo,
Woman of luxery
Mujer Florero,
Woman of decor
Mujer De Risas, Olor Y Caprichos, Con Futuro De Nada,
Woman of smiles, scents and whims, with a future of nothing,
Mujer De Lujo,
Woman of luxery
Mujer Cortina,
Curtain Woman
Adornara Tu Cabeza La Sala De Un Tipo Cazador De Reliquias,
Your head will adorn the living room of a seeker of relics
Y Te Harás Vieja Sin Sueños.
And will make you old without dreams

Tratare De Encontrar En Un Vientre Sencillo,
I will try to find myself a simple womb
El Calor Que El Deshielo Me Apago Tantas Veces,
A warmth that the frost shut out many times,
Y Le Daré De Regalo,
And I will give for it a gift
Lo Que No Tiene Precio Ni Tendrá En El Mercado,
What has no price and cannot be bought in the marketplace
Te Deseo La Suerte, Lo Que No Te Mereces,
I wish you luck, that which you don't deserve
La Que No Andas Buscando,la Que Nunca Precisas,
That which you don't even seek, of which you have no need
Mientras Dure,
While it lasts
Ese Cuerpo Perfecto Que Se Gasta En El Tiempo.
That body that wastes away over time

De Que Me Sirven Tus Manos,
What good do your hands do me,
Si Estan Tan Lejos De Un Roce Como Yo De Tus Sueños,
If they are so far away from brush like I am from your dreams
De Que Me Sirven Tus Ojos,
What good do your eyes do me,
Si Les Importa Un Carajo Si Me Voy O Aparezco.
If they give a shit whether I leave or show up

Mujer De Lujo,
Woman of luxery
Mujer Florero,
Woman of decor
Mujer De Risas, Olor Y Caprichos, Con Futuro De Nada,
Woman of smiles, scents and whims, with a future of nothing,
Mujer De Lujo,
Woman of luxery
Mujer Cortina,
Curtain Woman
Adornara Tu Cabeza La Sala De Un Tipo Cazador De Reliquias,
Your head will adorn the living room of a seeker of relics
Y Te Harás Vieja Sin Sueños.
And will make you old without dreams
Sin amigos
Without (real) friends
Sin me
Without me
Sin nada...
With nothing...

David Wilkerson May 19, 1931 – April 27, 2011

In this life you meet all sorts of people.  People you know that will do great things and people you know that CAN do great things.  The difference is in their willingness to accept the hard road within the task at hand.  A long time ago this man heeded the call of His Lord to do great things.  Tonight, he rests with his Savior. 

One of the most influential men in my life...David Wilkerson.  A man of conviction that led by example.  A man that wasn't swayed by trends and fads.  A man that earnestly desired to hear the voice of His God to the point of granted request.  I will never forget the impact the movie "The Cross and the Switchblade" had on my life.  I remember watching it in a church basement with Pat Boone and Erik Estrada as the leads.  This was the true testimony of David Wilkerson's call to evangelize to the gangs of NY.  The acting was a bit over the top but the message was clear...Jesus loves you.  One of THE most famous examples of modern day grace is on clear display in the scene where Rev Wilkerson is street preaching.  His bold response to Nicky Cruz's threat to cut him up into little pieces has stayed with me for more than 27 yrs:

"You can cut me up in a million pieces and lay them in the street,"..."Every piece would still say I love you."

This, my friends, is what the gospel is all about.  The unwavering grace of a God rejected and dejected by His own children for the sake of their own lusts.  Driven by a love and a passion that surpasses logic, He became a man to save them from themselves and give them a place at His table.  This unmerited favor is called grace my friends...grace.  To love the undeserving of it and to longsuffer great pains for those that would never do the same for you.  It is so perfect...so beautiful...so real.  The most powerful force in the universe...love.  This is what I saw that drew me into the arms of a God that has never left my side even in moments where I have left His and this was displayed in a simple movie adaptation of a novel called "The Cross and the Switchblade".  Over 27 yrs ago I watched this movie and saw for the first time the powerful change those three little words can bring about..."I love you".  It has stayed with me throughout my life and has been the cornerstone of my existence ever since...even in times of darkness.  This man's legacy is found in the millions of lives that came to know as I have...Jesus loves me and I am so blessed to open arms and receive it.  Thank you Lord for Your love and for raising up such a one that had the boldness to speak plain of it. 

Good night my brother...see you soon :-)  

 

Rite Of Passage - A Poem by Moe

Young man to old has made me bold
Conviction friction needed and heeded
Towards what I desire most out of life and love
Level to build an even stronger guild of one
Whose speech is his gun...whose speech is his gun

Now you best run cause Im about to speak
About to prey on the weak and the meek
That seek the bleak and dreary
To remain leary so they dont ever have to move
Their groove is the same...their groove is the same

They pant "I cant" to whatever needs be done
Cant run, cant have fun without the anesthesia
The dull that frees ya enough to laugh
Forget the gaffe, you cant remember anyway
So keep your heart at bay...keep your heart at bay

Drunk stuper trooper ready to giggle
Jiggle for me as I pick your pocket with a smile you
Beguile you and style you...decompile you
Piece by piece and limb by limb
All on a whim...all on a whim

Wake up and take up the cause called you
Just you and God through and through
To make up and break up the residue
You left behind in the midst of the missed
And the frogs you kissed...the frogs you kissed

Crystalize those eyes and gaze on at your feet
As they meet the road you call a street
Moving and grooving to the beat called life
Daytime...it's "move out of my way" time
This is your rite of passage...this is your rite of passage

~Moses
 

The sign that says "WAKE UP!!!"...

Sometimes we hope for things based on what we thought we knew.  We come to find out later that maybe our perception was wrong.  We saw what was presented to us for our benefit and although we had an idea of the truth of it, to accept it would've meant we were wasting our time loving the way we did.

I knew a man that loved this woman with an abandon his controlled life at one time safeguarded him from.  He never let go fully for fear of handing over the reigns of his passion to someone that didn't care.  He met a woman he finally dared to do this with.  He thought for sure she saw his value.  He thought she understood what she had in him.  After their breakup, he sadly came to find that she saw him like any other.  He was just another man passing through...just someone else in her list of failed relationships.  He got sick to his stomach over this because he knew all he gave and he knew for a fact that what he gave was something that could never be replicated as it was unique to him.  He thought she knew this given her declarations of undying love.  He poured his passion into her and this meant absolutely nothing to anyone but him.  He knows he could never replace her because what he gave, he gave to her but because in her mind he was just like any other...he could easily be replaced.  As easily as looking for stragglers from her past.  This would not be an issue for her and as is her custom...she would move on quickly.  I liken it to someone carrying a million dollars in their pocket yet they only see 25 cents.  They lose the million and replace it with what?...25 cents...for real this time.  Why? because that's all they thought they lost.  They walk around thinking they broke even.  Happy, until their eyes are opened to the reality of what they actually had and lost but by then it's too late.  That million found another million and made two.  So now, my man faced with this reality has grown tired of living with it.

There are no more questions to ask because every answer would be colored enough for proper presentation yet would lack meaningful honesty.  Honesty that would provide closure.  So what does he do?  He dies, he becomes better in every way and kills off the man that was duped emerging as something that will never go down that road ever again.  My friend will die but he will go down fighting...he wants to live.  He wants to keep believing that there's a chance he's wrong about her but I tell him that what he knows to be true tells him it's over...it's done.  He can see for himself she has on the same band-aid she had on before they got together.  The one she swore she would never need again...yeah, it's done.  So "good night...sweet dreams"

The Wind...

With all of my heart,
I know I could love you
With all of my soul,
I'm drifting away
With all of my mind,
I know You could save me from myself
And anything else

With all of my strength,
I wanna reach out for You
With every breath,
Call out Your name,
With every step I just want to turn around and say
Please make it ok

Chorus
But I'm so afraid
You've forgiven one too many times
I'm so afraid
To give my heart again just to have a change of mind
And not quite sure that You could trust me
I would hate to have You find me again
Drifting away...
Like the wind

With all of my heart,
I know I've dissapointed You
And although I'm really sorry
I don't know how to say it this time
But if I were to lose You I know I know
I'd go completely out of mind
And I'm runnin out of time

(Chorus)

(Like the wind)
It blows and nobody knows
Where it's goin to
(Like the wind)
It blows and nobody knows
What it's gonna do
(Like the wind)
At night you can hear it cry
As the tear drops fall from Heaven's eyes
And somehow you know it's true

(These tears)
These tears that fall
Are fallin for you like the wind
X4

Fallin for you easy...

Damn well...

Imagine for a moment that you see yourself standing in an empty room.  You're all alone and in comes someone from your past.  Someone that has seen you in a terrible state.  Turns out you two guys did something you would rather no one else knew about...something you said you were ashamed of.  You guys reminisce and all you could do is thank God its only him since you guys were alone when it happened.  Knock two at the door...here comes another one.  Same conditions, same circumstance, same incident yet different person and time.  Your stomach starts to turn because these moments were all moments you wish you could take back.  Moments you and this other person hold as isolated incidents that were "mistakes".  Knock, knock, knock...here they all come in.  One after the other.  Each one holding an "isolated incident" in his mind that no one is supposed to know about except you two.  They pile on in and you are shitting bricks because you are not supposed to be the person of "the isolated incident".  You are viewed differently by the masses.  Those were "mistakes" that should not have happened yet you start to realize they happened way too many times to call them "mistakes" or errors in judgement.  You realize now you have or "had" a problem...a big one.  Something led you to believe it was ok to make this many "mistakes" and now you carry them as shame to everyone but the person it was done with.  When you and this other person talk "it was fun" but share that with everyone else and tell me what they think.  How would they view you then?  All they have to do is talk and everyone will come to realize that these incidents may not be so random and the secret you guys share is in fact shared by everyone in that room.  You are about to pick up what's called..."a bad reputation".  Everyone in that room has seen a side of you that no one should've seen...or at least not this many.  Get the picture?

Now imagine for a moment that instead of these pop-ins being accidental...imagine yourself actually inviting them all to the same place you will be staying.  Ask yourself why the f**k would anyone want to do such a stupid thing?!?!  Especially since these incidents were shameful in nature...why then?  I have NO F**KING CLUE but I just realized someone has been doing this on their facebook and I really don't know what to make of it.  Maybe they get a kick out of it?  I just don't get it.

Anyway...

The Angel - A Story by Moe

"Where are your wings my son?  What have you done?"

Cold wintery weather covered her on most days.  This beautiful young woman spent most of her time wandering in the valleys searching for a place to call home; always coming close to finding somewhere to stay but never being able to really call those places her own.  She would find somewhere warm at times but would find that warmth was just not enough for her until she would eventually move on.  Traveling light with only a few but albeit important possessions; priceless trinkets handed down to her from her grandmother.  Trinkets that carried in them the keys to wisdom and strength; given to her grandmother by God.  Virtues she never sat still enough to discover on her own.  She held them tight and close to her heart....understanding their value.  Most nights the cold was too much to bear, so much so that her shiver was clear and obvious.  Obvious enough for the mountain folk to take notice of and begin plotting.

These mountain folk were shrewd thieves dressed up in Angel's clothes.  They made their way up top by tricking others into believing they were benevolent.  In truth, there was nothing in them close to anything even resembling benevolence.  These didn’t take by force but would study those in the valley for days before attempting to steal from them.  This cunning made them dangerous because you would never see them coming and when you did, it was too late.  Most would find out something was missing only after they had left and many would initially think them sent by God Himself.  They walked the right way and said all the right things by anyone's angelic standard yet there was nothing right about them.  They had all they needed and more but their greed continually drove them to steal. 

Watching her, they had all they needed to begin their work of stripping her of all she had.  They knew what she wanted because it was clear to anyone that would look at her.  She didn’t know how to conceal where she was vulnerable so they began their work.  One by one they came to her..."angels".  Some would bring her a blanket; others would just walk with her.  Each one would find an opportune moment to take something and disappear without her knowing.  Replacing what they stole with a fake.  They would always tell her they would be back with more blankets or to spend some more time with her but they only sent her messages instead.  They would only return when they saw she had more of what they wanted, making her believe they were genuine when all they were doing was slowly stripping her down to nothing.  One day, one of the mountain folk confessed all that had been happening.  He was leaving the camp for more honorable grounds and thought to "out" his friends.  He told her he was no angel and that they had been stealing her grandmothers’ trinkets...replacing them with fakes.  She was crushed but could not accept that all the ones she walked with were this way as this would mean much of what she felt was based on a lie; a truth too heavy to accept. 

Every Angel that came her way was now suspect and her heart grew colder by the day.  All that her grandmother left her was now in question because of what she had learned.  Yet in her pain and disillusionment, someone somewhere was watching...an Angel that lived on another mountain.  He had been studying the thieves for years.  He knew how they operated and helped many in the valley get their possessions back.  Seeing her, he came to love her and his gaze became fixed on her.  He was to help her get back all she lost and show her true love.  She was immediately surprised when he introduced himself because he came with blankets and a bag full of shoes.  As if to say "well, we've got a long journey ahead of us..." and for once in her journey, here's one that meant it.  Where the others had left, where the others had brought only one blanket...he came to stay.  This moved her with joy but it still wasn’t enough for her to trust him.  He looked & sounded like the thieves but where he was noticeably different...was in his steadiness towards her.  Months passed and slowly she began to regain what was stolen but still, even then, she could not come to believe this Angel was real.  So at the advice of some of the mountain folk she still believed to be genuine, she decided to test him by pulling a few feathers off of his wings at a time.  These were the mountain folk she had grown accustomed to and could not come to accept that they were not genuine.  They saw her improving, regaining all she had and wanted her new possessions.  They would make appearances from time to time.  They would send new folk to confuse and con her.  All supposedly without her Angel knowing.  What they didn’t know was that her Angel knew everything and was simply waiting to see what she would do.

More time passed and every night as instructed, she continued pulling feathers until one day he began to feel cold himself.  He noticed himself growing tired and his strength began fading at an alarming rate.  A heaviness compounded as he began to see the fullness of all she had done but his love for her kept him there.  He thought that if he loved her enough, she would see this and be compelled to change but a part of him knew this was just a fool's hope.  One day, passing in front of a mirror he couldn’t believe what he was saw.  He saw that in the place of a pair of beautiful wings there was naught but bare skin.  That is when it really hit him.  Although he loved her, he gradually began to feel his journey with her was not what he dreamt it would be.  He began to realize that maybe he loved her more than she loved him...something his heart could not handle.  He felt himself the fool but could not shake his love.  He now knew...it was time to go back home.  He had never failed to help someone before and this would be his first failure.  He said his piece spoke and decided to leave.  So off he went...wandering awhile before going back up to his mountain.  He couldn’t believe this would end this way...in failure.  As he wandered he noticed three figures in a distance.  It was her...laughing and carrying on with two of the mountain men that were advising her...only days after he had left.  He noticed them picking her pocket as she laughed but in his anger he said nothing.  What he saw made him realize she truly didn’t care and that all he had suffered with her was for nothing.  His pain and confusion was too much for him.  So when the mountain men left, he approached her to ask her why she was doing this...behaving as though they were just another phase in her life.  Something of so little importance.  Questions...she did not like at all.  She became violently angry and proceeded to pull on his wings as if to remove them to prove he was not real.  He held her back so as not to hurt her but as she pulled, she heard a crack and a tear.  Blood began to flow at the base of where she was pulling and he screamed out in agony.  To her amazement...his wings were real.  She realized it then in an instant: if he was real then it meant his love for her was just as real.  This was the first time she had come face to face with the reality of what she had done...and what she had just lost.  Yet now, when everything should have been different...she could not bring herself to believe again.  So this broken angel left to heal and finally came to the base of his mountain...

At that moment, he could perceive a strong familiar presence.  Looking up, he heard the voice of his Lord say "Where are your wings my son?  What have you done?"  Looking down somewhat sheepishly, he responded "Lord, I believe in a love that never fails.  With the power to love an enemy and with a sacrificial passion for the woman You bless me with.  For I know You have loved me this way...inside a love that looks beyond failure to hope.  With a longsuffering that can change a heart and a mind for the better...yet look at me Father as I am broken because I gave this to someone that didn’t see it...or even care.  Even now oh Lord after seeing it...she still doesn’t care.  Why has this happened to me my Lord?  How much time will it take for my wings to mend?  What will happen to her and should I even care anymore?"  The Lord spoke and lovingly said "My son...I have made you for this purpose...to love the way you do.  Although your heart will break, it will endure...it will mend.  Your walk with her was not in vain.  You showed her what it was like to be loved by me.  My love is unconditional and I will chase most down to hell and back if I must but when they reject my love...there is nothing more I can do.  As such...there is nothing more YOU can do.  This one will leave a scar but when it heals, it will be stronger and more beautiful than before...I will see to it.  Don’t worry, your blood was the proof of your love and when it's time, she will remember it and truly lament its loss because by then, it will be a loss she can now only learn from.  So go home, rest in the sun...heal by the moon. You have many more to walk with my child...don’t you ever believe that my love is too much to live out yourself and for another.  As I will always be with you...you will always be with them".  In tears and grateful for the Word of his Lord, he climbed back up to his mountain and rested as his Lord had commanded.  As for her, he left her how she wanted to be...alone with her mountain folk to fend for herself until...

There's so much more...but that is a collection of stories better served to live out than to simply tell ;-)

~Moses Apollo

Just A Word...

Sometimes responsibility means doing things you don't want to do for the sake of that which you are responsible for...or yourself.  It's one thing to be hard on yourself but when you have to be hard on the ones you love deeply...it's no easy task.  It may seem to flow easy but what people don't see is how much it really takes out of me.  How much it drains.  It is something that you have to take a deep breath for before it's let out...it's tough.  You would think that watching me administer criticism that it's something I revel in when in fact the truth is I'd rather just be loving on them instead.  It's something I do not want to do but my love demands it.  My love frustrates me to do so and the reality is if I didn't care I wouldn't say or do a thing.  I love my family enough to make them uncomfortable from time to time but it breaks me every time...

Oh To Be Dense!!!...

You know some people can go through this world "pretending" certain truths about themselves don't exist.  They hold to perspectives that hinder them because to actually change would mean discomfort.  I'm not talking about bullshit change where they just go through the what or "the motions".  Anybody can go through the motions and stop a thing.  It takes maturity to accept the why (reasons for the motions) because that will provide motivation to change that endures.  I hate it when people tell me they "get it" and then turn around using the same tired discounted arguments to continue in roads that lead to nowhere.  I'm sick of it and in truth makes me want to stop teaching altogether.  What use is it to give out what you know to supposedly attentive ears when they are just attentive to appease you.  As soon as you are out of view and far from earshot, its business as usual.  Thank be to God, He sees all things.  Please allow me to provide an example...If some asshole that is in a relationship propositions you don't say "we'll see"...you say "f**k off!!!".  Saying that is the "what".  Why? because if you don't he will always think he has a shot and what that says about you is even worse.  Get the shit together people please!!!

Yeah so apparently...I passed all tests someone thought I needed to.  You see they needed proof that I was all I said I was and now that they have it...it still don't mean shit.  I know who I am and can detail myself to you.  I will tell you things you've seen in me that are negative but were afraid to say for fear that I would rip your fu**ing head off...I'm too real to get upset at a truth about myself.  If you're wrong, I'll correct you but I wont get pissed.  I live in a real world where everyone wants something...including me.  Everyone has a motive and its usually selfish.  Some of those selfish motives are healthy but some keep people in states of dependency they can never get out of until they admit there is a problem.  I am tired of the bullshit ambiguity people rest in because they don't want to make decisions.  Make a decision and stick to it...leave no wiggle room.  Be someone determined and definitive.  Open doors all the way or shut them with locks throwing away the key.  You leave doors open so you can change your mind anytime you want and run to wherever your needs take you even if that includes misrepresenting your motives...just for the sake of feeding your "selfish dependency" or as some might put it..."just for me". 

I have come to the conclusion that all of the realest people I know are f**ked up in one way or another...everyone is.  Yet what separates the real from the fake are those willing to see their deficiencies to make solid changes.  They are consistent in this.  They are solid and stable in this endeavor.  They may fail at times but they get back up because they know and understand the need to.  Their perspective goes unwavered.  They don't run back to an old perspective because changing it was just too hard.  They change and become better...more real.  This quality in women gets me like you wouldn't believe...the pursuit to improve.  That only means I will love you more later.  Some people you watch and find less and less to love because they never change.  Some people you watch, see how consistent they are and find more and more to love...more and more to admire.  They evolve into something wonderful because even with set-backs they never give up trying.  This is a quality worthy of pursuit and one I will never pass up or give up on myself.  I'm tired of the bullshit people...I'm tired.

Filling It With Song...

Good morning folks.  Sunday...Palm Sunday :-)  Hosanna my people...

Churchill: Never Give In...

You know I've not taken too much time to read some of his quotes but this morning as I chose to write about hope and perseverance within hope I turned to his quotes and was impressed at the reading.  In all a man can write or say, there are usually one or two lines that speak volumes.  The ones worth repeating...amazing.

The setting is Sunday school in the 90's.  Emmanuel Pentecostal Temple...right side balcony.  My dad is teaching Sunday school and the text he used that day would be the foundation for a lot of what I carry with me as a man today.  October 29th 1941; Winston Churchill stood before the Boys of Harrow and gave a short speech.  The synopsis of that speech is captured in this line:

"Never give in. Never give in. Never, "NEVER GIVE IN"

An inspiration that birthed the most stubborn man you might ever meet lol  Couple that with a text from the Bible that reads "If God be for us, who can be against us" (Romans 8:31) and you have on your hands a man that believes that after he's exhausted all probability and possibility through his own might...God will see the rest through.  Yeah, I pretty much believe I can do anything lol

To me time is of no consequence.  Momentary failure doesn't mean shit.  A loss here and there doesn't move me.  You will see me fail at a thing over and over again wondering "what the f**k is his problem?" lol  Get with me later and find out I solved the pressing issue but ran into another one.  I kept pushing until I got the end result I was looking for.  People wonder how I know so much about different topics.  It wasn't my "thirst for knowledge"; I learned all I know because I needed to achieve an "end result".  I could give a shit about filling my head with information that will serve me no purpose.  My end result and how I got there is of most importance to me.  That is who I am.

I see people face setbacks that have left them homeless and they still carry on with head held high and shoulders back knowing that anything less will slow down their "progress".  Progress?...yeah progress.  They understand that even in the midst of seeming failure they WILL find a resolution and if they cant find one they know that God will present one they will be able to grab hold of to carry them out.  That is progression and that outlook takes maturity.  That is a person in training...becoming steeled to manage anything and everything life brings their way.  They can handle ANY situation with ease and they don't overwhelm easy.  They don't fake it...it's who they actually are.  They don't carry the pessimistic "life sucks, oh well" attitude.  They preserve within them the optimistic "yeah, I know this is bad now...but it will get better" stance.  They have been through situations in life that seemed insurmountable at the time only to get through and not know how.  So yeah, they know better than to allow "set-backs" to set them back.  It is characterized by a maturity to understand that not everything will move the way you want it to.  That most of the time you MUST move things yourself and if you are not willing to then it shows your lack of seriousness and by extension...your lack of maturity as well.

I have to say that in my life I have come across all types.  I have seen people show themselves "seasoned" at their jobs or at school but completely immature when it came to life.  They can command the details of their work or study easily because these are usually based on protocol one can master.  Yet when it comes to life and emotion they allow themselves to be tossed to and fro because they have never taken the time or effort to study the protocol within life itself.  They have surrounded themselves with people that are either younger with no clue as to who they are or people that will coddle them the way they themselves like to be coddled.  Some have never worked or remained in environments surrounded by people they can glean from...only people that needed gleaning themselves.  They lack the same confidence and maturity in life they have in the environments of "protocol" and it's usually because they either haven't really tried or been given the chance to push through a thing without the comfort of knowing there is a safety net they can always run to.  They always wind up in the same place when the going gets rough and sometimes wind up staying there in perpetuity to their own detriment.  I don't care what kind of job you have, what kind of house you have, what kind of car you drive, what school you went to and if you pay all your bills on time...doesn't mean shit to me.  Show me how you respond to crisis.  Show me how you respond to seeming "loneliness" or "boredom".  Show me who you are when things don't go your way.  Are you "steady"?  Are you one to give in?  Are you one to quit?  Are you one to give in to vice just because or for the sake of "stress release"?  These tell me more than any status you can attain in your world.  These actually test levels of maturity and I have been surprised more than once at how many people I thought "had it together" fail miserably when confronted with these challenges.  I have seen grown men and women throw tantrums when things haven't gone their way.  Completely throw away their months long determination to quit a vice just because they "needed relief".  Life requires the ability to stand behind a "life decision" come hell or high water.  That requires determination and the maturity to understand the seriousness of that decision.  Never giving in to ANY pressure and moving forward in all you have decided to be...like a f**king stubborn mule lol

Remember the quote?  "Never give in"?  As in every other virtue, one must train in this as well...for all things.  Learn lifes protocols and be consistent in your practice of them...always resisting your urge to treat challenges with the temperment of a child.  Be what you said you would be and "NEVER GIVE IN."

Yeah, An Easy Listen...

"I am at ease in the arms of a woman"

Relax, no great meanings here or anything...just an easy listen and that is what some of us need from time to time...an easy listen.  Now add to that an easy voice that can easily say with easy sincerity..."I love you" and there you have something worth writing about.  Yeah, that can surely make a difference in your day :-)  

The Love Of A Father...

Wow it's hard to be a parent...especially when these little ones you carried for so long begin to be able to carry others in like manner.  You see the men in them they can become and the young fool you used to be.  Yeah, I get teary-eyed when I think on my sons because they are my life.  They are why I want so very much to succeed.  Why I so very much want what I want out of life.  Parents must walk a tightrope these days because it's very easy for them to leave scars in moments of frustration...something that will never heal right.  A parents job at times is to leave a mark.  Something that stings enough to remember but fades in time and that's when it gets really hard.  Sometimes it is our duty to show them cause and effect.  Action to reaction.  If we don't we run the risk of allowing all manner of "life" and outside influence to formulate their thinking and if "life" does it...it will always leave a scar.  You fight for that not to happen.  You fight to make sure the lessons learned don't hurt that much but when you have young ones made of steel...it takes a lot to get through.  I fear the scars they can carry will be worse than the ones I carry with me.  Oh Father God let that not be so.  Pray for your children people and parent them.  Love them before anyone else.  They didn't ask to be born...God granted us the privilege of raising more made in His image and likeness.  I love them with all that is in me...how I love my boys...

Fire, Love and Passion...(2011)

"...cause when I say I love you...that's forever..."

When love is not madness, it is not love.  ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Interesting quote to say the least.  It was posted as the status of one of my Facebook friends.  Reminded me of something I wrote well over a year ago about passion:

"Holding back your heart is a tough thing to do. We do it out of fear and we do it out of pride. Fear of getting hurt and for the sake of pride...not to look foolish. As a young man, I always thought that real love transcended all these things. That it was endearing to play the fool for the sake of the one you love and that the risk of getting hurt or looking stupid was well worth it. To stand out in the rain for an hr just to catch a 5 min glimpse of her and a hello was once considered romantic. Not so today. Today in this "me society" no one is willing to take the chance to look foolish anymore. Everyone wants to play it safe. Reading the poets of old, you would think these men desperate or foolish for professing all they did...but it was all for love. There was passion...real passion. Yet sadly, today that is missing and those that show such passion are looked down upon. Today, its no longer who I love but what can they do for me because I have to "look out for number one". Now I am not advocating the pursuit of a destructive relationship because in it's pure form, real love is not destructive. It's just that I've seen love taking a back seat to convenience too many times to count. That may seem fine in the beginning but what it creates is a long term compatibility lacking in any real passion. Its a form of settling. One can tell the difference even in a kiss. One passionate kiss can create a moment that lasts for an eternity. Those moments you never forget. Sadly some have never experienced this love and for others, if they have, it scared them. It scared them because they finally got what they wanted but didn't really ever realize how intense it would be. The heaviness of it, the work to keep it and the confusion it can bring. For within the same passion your love springs out of, so can other emotions...including hate, anger and jealousy. How can you want to be with someone you cant stand or just had a serious argument with?...Passion. That confusion will cause sides of you to appear you never knew you had...especially if you are one prone to need answers.


I had relinquished all notions of this love when I decided to stabilize my life. Such unpredictability might've been disastrous in my growth. I let it go and became more mechanical in my approach until it hit me square in the eyes one day. I couldn't do anything about it and the road it led me on would've been great had it not been for the timing of its arrival. Instead of a great experience, I suffered loss. In its short time, when it was good, it was REALLY good but when it was bad...it was REALLY bad. The pain of it was more than anyone should ever bear which leads me to the reason for this missive. My perspective was skewed do to my bitterness, anger and pain. To see through their prism will distort your reality and all your conclusions will be wrong. Bitterness and anger had caused me to create images of people that they didn't deserve. Yes they have failed me but there were reasons (not excuses) behind that failure. Accepting those reasons didn't excuse behavior, it just gave way for a change in perspective and my change in perspective gave way to real understanding. Understanding gave way to real forgiveness and real forgiveness gave way to healing for me. Healing that allowed me to see things for what they truly were, not what my bitterness had dictated. My anger had caused me to dismiss love and passion as something to avoid and I was fully prepared to live that empty role everyone figured I'd live anyway. Yet with my healing came the understanding that love and passion were in fact something to cherish...something to shoot for and something never to take lightly. I don't care how much pain I was in or how foolish I looked throughout this process, I was true to my feelings. Like the poets of old, I stood willing to be the fool and endure the pain for the sake of another. I trusted and became vulnerable. I surrendered myself to it because I wanted more and that is never something to feel ashamed of. Even though it seems my passions' target has broadened, I refuse to give up on these notions. I am alive...in my pain, in my hurt and in my elation...I AM ALIVE.


Passion...without it, I die a slow death."

I re-read this today and wow.  I have since learned the difference between this intense crazy passion for someone that was real and a toxic relationship that may have been passionate...but had become too harmful to stay in.  For the latter, I still hold to that passion and love with the exception that the relationship must be done away with for the sake of those involved. You see I posted this on facebook Monday, July 13, 2009 at 7:50am but it was written a bit earlier.  The quote posted today dates back to the 1600's.  People, truth spans generations.  It remains relevant throughout time.  Re-reading this and looking at my condition today...damn this still fits like a glove.

I struggle between being angry at things I see that make me want to burn every bridge imaginable and moments of the purest desire to relive and create new moments exclusive to one.  It is the hardest thing to write about because it is madness.  It makes no sense.  It has no logic.  All sense tells you this person is no good for you but you insist.  All sense tells you to run the other way but you cant.  It takes a lot to wake one up out of such a thing.  It usually takes something really f**ked up to happen and sometimes not even that will do it.  Passion is sometimes like an uncontrollable fire.  You don't know how it began...you just know you're burning.  Even in times of anger, it can manifest itself in ways where you just want to thrash the object of your passion in complete sexual abandon.  Sounds awesome right?  It is...the only problem is that it's volatile.  Folks talk about "happy love" and "happy happy joy joy" comfort but there is this "thing" where talk of marriage, future, family...all these things just fade in the background of moments together.  Its all background noise in the presence of the one you're passionate about.  It just doesn't rank as high in priority as just feeling that person's breath on you as you lay next to them.  Wanting to bring them pleasure with all that you have as you make love to them.  It's all I ever wanted and the truth is...it is madness.  Real life gets in the way of that and the problem is that without "real life" there is no "life".

I've decided that I'm gonna fix life.  I'm gonna fix it so that it does not get in the way of my passion.  I will take this pursuit to my death as I will not relinquish what my fire has lead me to...ever again.

~Moses Apollo

5:16 AM...uh huh

I am sitting here wondering what I'm supposed to be doing at this ungodly hour as I listen to my cat scratch at her litter box...yeah she blew it up OMG!!!  How such potency could come out of that little body is beyond me.  You know I was thinkin the other day; when Caretta takes a shit...she digs her privacy.  She has a cover for her litter box...she's fine in there as she handles her business but when I go, she has to come in to the bathroom and sit at my feet.  Blinking away.  What about MY privacy?  When did taking a shit become a spectator sport?  Oh and she purrs like mad!!!  I mean what is so soothing?  Is it the plopping sound or the smell...it might just be making her high as a kite...I don't get it.

Hey is this blogging?!?!  Eh...I'm just missing something...

You know some gestures have serious meaning and implication...some don't.  Some that you think will have an impact on you fizzle out like a bomb that just goes "pop".  I don't know what I expected but I suppose if it was as easy as getting rid of some things then I'd have to question what I felt to begin with.  Maybe the gesture meant something, maybe it didn't...I guess as in everything else, time will tell.  Maybe I just need a f**king heart transplant...

Eros...

Hands engulfed in flame by the sheer pain and force of love whose only remedy; the touch of her skin, the feel of her hair and the graze of her bare thigh.  The flame to travel from hands to arms to chest whose only soothing balm; her bare breasts. Resting on his chest; the feel of her raw beating heart finds the flame from chest to belly writhing in steady pain called eros.  The need to feed and the clamor of lust.  The must inside...the must.  Flame now from belly to shaft adding feel for friction and depth.  Adding more for closer than you've ever been and deeper than your memory will allow.  Ablaze now legs and feet to go deeper than you know...about to blow, but not yet.  She's set and wet...I'm ready but not yet.  I want to burn and yearn for her.  Legs intertwined, refined passion perfected with time cannot be put out so easily.  Take some time.  Too real to give up the feel.  The insanity and the rage of our stage is too much for normal men to handle...yet I must... 

~Apollo

Me, Me...and Me ;-)

Ok so now that I have most of this stuff out of the way, I will post less frequently (maybe lol).  Most topics from now on will be more current and light-hearted.  Here's the deal...I have a point of view and sometimes I feel that point of view mischaracterized by some that want to paint a certain picture to those that don't know the whole story.  What sucks is that sometimes the whole story cannot be told because some of the details are too damn personal.  Some of these details if known would be too damaging to those concerned.  Things not even close friends are privy to.  Even the worst vindictiveness is not enough to brings these things to light by my hand.  They will come out on their own in time but for my end...I am who I say I am and not the image portrayed by some.  These are my views from my own heart.  Any questions?  Just ask...   

Friends Are Friends Forever?...

So here we are about to tackle a bone of contention among some couples.  Can men and women truly be friends?  First, think back on the time an ex cheated or flirted with “a friend”…now with that in mind, let’s proceed lol  The simple answer is no.  The more complex answer is based on certain variables that rely squarely on the maturity levels of the individuals.  Brutal honesty here first...at base, all men see are vaginas.  How they can attain it.  How will they dress today to impress it? What car will vaginas think they look good in?  What job will give them enough money so they can attain status...for more vagina?  This is the BASE truth.  An honest man will never deny this.  The man that denies this does so that he may continue to play the "inches" and "oops" game.  Truth is, if you admit a deficiency then it behooves you to change but if you continue to deny its existence, then one can always "feign" the "I'm sorry that happened" as many times he or she wants.  Dishonesty is not just an outward expression.  It is more so inward.  You lie to yourself so your lie to others will be more convincing and the trick to honesty in this regard and others...is being honest with yourself first.  Is this person attracted to you?  ANSWER TRUTH  Are you attracted to this person?  ANSWER TRUTH  What does this person truly want or need from you?  ANSWER TRUTH  What do you truly want or need from them?  ANSWER TRUTH 

True friendship requires honor, loyalty and the ability to tell someone the truth even if it costs you your friendship.  Selfishness cannot fit.  Gaming cannot fit.  Trying to "get somewhere" cannot fit and when there's an attraction all these factors instinctively come into play.  The man will cater to anything she says just so he won’t upset her and that’s not a true friend.  The man will see openings of vulnerability to place himself in the position of "knight in shining armor" or "shoulder to cry on" because he knows how grief can be a strong aphrodisiac...again, not a true friend.  Always looking for an opportunity to be alone so they can have an "oops, I fell and my penis slipped right in" moment.  Only to get up, leave and do it again.  While the woman, no matter how "liberated" she may profess herself to be is left thinking about where all this can go.  To the man, she's just another woman he knows he can now come to for free sex.  All it takes is one time.  One slip up.  The term "friend" does not fit and anyone that uses that term to get what they want is dishonest.  "Friends" usually will play one of two games...

The inches game:
The man is obviously attracted to her but doesn’t feel he has the nerve or "level" to get close.  What does he do?  He plays the "inches game"...the disinterested "human being".  This is also often played by men in relationships of their own or towards "difficult women".  That could include married women or the more "self-assured" woman.  The man will usually engage in non-space threatening conversation slowly moving into personal questions setting up "yeah, me too" moments. Moments that imply compatibility; asexual in conversation so that the woman lets down her guard enough to be thrown in hints of interest. Her guard now down and the hint thrown in, she is left now with an implanted seed that will take a bit to grow.  With time, "random" appearances and "looks" this grows into a curiosity.  The curiosity then becomes an interest and that interest is then exploited by the "friend".  If done right, within a matter of a few days...he is all she will be thinking about.  There will always be a conversation where the "what if" question is addressed or a seemingly unplanned "moment of weakness" where one will "not be able to contain themselves" for a kiss or more most noted by "the awkward silence".  The fool will believe this to be a random unexpected occurrence but I can assure you one of them knew it would happen or in the least looked forward to it happening.

The oops game:
Oh my favorite.  This is usually played by old friends or exes.  The old friend that wants something more and the ex that just wants an assured piece of ass every time he comes around.  The end result here is an oops moment that will start a relationship with an old friend or an oops moment where an ex gets up and leaves the next morning saying "Wow, we shouldn’t have done this...I’m sorry"...until next time.  What do these two have in common?  First, they can get her alone.  She trusts them enough to believe that "just friends" means just that. Second, they can reminisce about old times.  Again, implying compatibility and familiarity yet this is done differently in each case.  The ex will "comfort flirt" and set things up early.  He'll be doing this throughout their "friendship" so when they meet she is primed and ready.  He can do this because they have intimate history and she won’t think twice about it.  He will play on their past emotional connection to produce these comfort levels.  Enough to get her willing surrender to any direction he wants to go.  The old friend will want to reminisce while throwing in attractiveness comments here and there.  Where we were and where we are now is the topic at hand to create the comfortable climate for "meet up" number two...still not called a "date".  Meet up number two becomes more of what do we want out of life or what kind of man do you see yourself with.  Relationship "me too" talk is established where she is surprised at how many relationship issues they have in common.  The ex-issue takes less time.  Usually in for a night and would like company...and ass.  In either case, these both scenarios end up in moments unawares to one party or the other but someone knew all along what would happen from the very beginning or again, in the least had a hope that it would.

Now let me just add something here about the "ex-factor".  Nothing gripes me more than when people "front" or are "full of shit".  There are men that will SWEAR by "maturity" in dealing with exes they still find attractive.  That is meant for the woman to say "oh ok...so yeah I’m mature too" lol Its BULLSHIT!!!  They say they can be friends because they are "mature" enough to handle it BUT these exes are always quick to throw in sexual innuendo or trickles of "flirtiness" here and there to see if their new "friend" will bite.  If she does, there will always be "fun talk" about getting together.  Oh "we can go out as friends...nothing will happen"...yeah right lol It supposed to be light but it's just him trying to come in for a smooth landing where she is receptive.  This usually happens because they know their "friend" will never go for it consciously so they have to get them somewhere alone and VULNERABLE where emotions can be stirred.  It’s tricky and its bullshit.  In public..."I’m SO mature" LMAO In private..."so when we gonna get together?"...PLEASE!!!  Ladies put a stop to that bullshit because the fact is that this dude just wants ass without the hassles of you and is too damn chicken shit to say it.  Always looking for that "oops moment" because they know you are too much woman to accept anything frivolous with their "exed" ass.  If you weren’t good enough for him to keep as a woman...what makes you good enough for him to sleep with?  I understand passion but make sure that passion was real on both ends.  Take a look at how many others he does the same shit with.  Are you really all that special? lol Are you one of two...or three maybe? ;-)

These are just games right?  What’s wrong with them?  Its adults doing what they do right?  Well, not exactly.  An adult implies a level of maturity.  These days that is taken to mean of legal age but as old schoolers know, an adult is someone who is responsible and accountable for his or her own actions.  These games are predicated on a lie.  The lie that "I just want to be your friend" while ulterior motives play out to manipulate the target into something else.  It’s dishonest and it is not worthy of the title "friend".  So we go back now to our question.  Can men and women be friends?  The answer at base levels of maturity is no because these games are always played by men and women after the words "let’s be friends" are uttered.  Yet at deeper levels of maturity as opposed to the more common base levels, it can happen to an extent.  In order for that to take place, both MUST be willing to set boundaries and rules that are unaltering.  This is where old school rules come into play.  Ladies, your ex don’t need to be flirting with you or jokingly throwing out sexual innuendos.  He is looking to see if you will bite or call him on it.  If you don’t call him on it or "play along", it will continue and he will try to coordinate a "meet-up" to relive old times for a night.  You must let him know EVERYTIME he tries that there is a line he cannot cross under ANY circumstances.  There is nothing he needs to say that must be said in person alone or in an environment where alcohol is present.  A phone call will always suffice.  Demand respect and get it otherwise be willing to allow yourself to be someone's pit stop anytime they feel the urge.  Ladies, if a man hits you up and tells you "hello, how are you?"..."It’s been awhile, lets catch up".  He has no interest in a "friendship" nor does he care about where you've been or where you are going so long as the girl in the picture winds up in his bed.  He has enough friends...he doesn’t need another one.  He is interested in YOU.  If you decide to entertain this in the slightest...you send the signal that he has a chance at what he wants.  Personal meet-ups are not necessary to catch up.  What am I saying here?  To keep friends of the opposite sex "friends" one must control the mood and the environment you are in with them at all times.  Think ahead and make sure to never find yourself in a position where that base mentality can grab a toe hold...because no matter how "mature" you are, it will always try to, especially in men.  This means that your "friendship" must be limited and not the "no holds barred" relationship you have with friends of the same sex.  It must remain LIMITED and CONTROLLED.

Now, I just want to make something explicitly clear here.  I am writing this as an ex-gamer.  I write this as someone that has seen most, if not all plays work themselves out by little leaguers and masters alike.  I always had a place in my heart for those men and women that get suckered BUT if you know are getting played and go along with it anyway...you deserve whatever it is you get.  Suckers are suckers because they choose not to see the game.  They think that's humans being "human".  Maybe so, but although that may be "human", it’s not humane. If you allow yourself to be played like that because you think that’s your only entryway into something meaningful, then please check your level of self-worth...you can always do better.  Consider this now, imagine a world where someone comes up to you and says..."I was sitting over there and I saw you"..."I find you attractive and I’d like to get to know you better".  Imagine that?!? Honesty.  Most will not go this route because this will produce a straight yes or a straight no.  Usually a no.  Yet it gives the target the ability to honestly decide what direction he or she wants to go. There is no trickery there.  There are no inches.  No overbearing compliments.  No talk of "friendship"...just interest.  Yet since most do not have the confidence or the self-awareness to do this, they decide to represent a motive that is not real.  If you value your "friend"...stop the games, value them and stay on your side of the line.

Now some of you know me and might think me a hypocrite because I have several attractive female friends.  Here is the difference.  I come right out and say that I find them attractive.  They say the same about me.  I don’t just talk about "keeping it real".  It’s not just a phrase to me.  We know exactly where we stand without the bullshit.  If we wanted to we would be together and we know it but for several reasons we stand by...we aren’t.  There are no tricks...there are no "oops moments".  That brutal honesty says "I respect you too much to play you".  If anything were to happen it will be as sober-minded adults making decisions and if something were to happen, the dynamics of the relationship MUST CHANGE.  As friends, there are boundaries we must enforce...spoken or not.  Responsible folks don’t need to say a thing...they just follow the rules of propriety.  There is no "we can handle it" bullshit so "one thing leads to the other".  Uh uh...not me.  You are getting your own damn hotel room unless you want something to happen...point blank.  I WILL NOT under any circumstances abuse or exploit our past emotional connection for a piece of ass.  That cheapens what they meant to me and what they mean to me now.  Some mother f**kers will actually go so far as to suggest sexual "play" with them while their female "friend" is feeling down.  THAT is no friend but an opportunistic piece of shit.  How desperate can you be?  Anyway, I’m going off on the personal but...ugh.  I don’t need to do that but sadly, some boys do.  Keep it real people!!!

So in conclusion...friendship between men and women is possible but it MUST be limited to real world boundaries and within the confines of propriety.  Ask your grandparents what that means :-)  Keepin it real the whole way through.  Guarded by a higher level of maturity.  For you folks out there that have issue with your significant other and their "friends".  Consider what happened as "friends" and go from there.  If you see that boundaries have been respected, you're good BUT if you see that lines were crossed  at any time as "friends" then approach the issue and keep watch.  If it happened once then somebody is always looking for a repeat and nine times out of ten...it's usually the one with the penis.  I'm out ;-)  Don't hate me LOL   

The "Real"...

Let me step back a minute and talk about the people I choose to associate with...the real.  People that tell it like it is...not how they choose to see it depending on who's in front of them but what is intimately true of intention and all else.  People that dont subscribe to the idea of "what you dont see, wont hurt you" when it comes to me.  They know I will see it all so they dont even bother hiding and that makes them real to me.  They tell me about their "sucker" but will never view me as one.  They dont have to tell me shit but they feel free in doing so because they know that what I value most in those I associate with is honesty.  The murderer that lies about it will kill you when you least expect it and the thief that says he's never stolen a thing will pick your pocket the second he gets the chance to.  My people have most of my trust because by their own admissions I see them coming a mile away lol.  Do I trust them fully?...no.  Does that make me miserable?...absolutely not.  It makes me wise and in wisdom, there is comfort in this realm.  I draw my limits based on their acknowledged and unacknowledged difficiencies.  In doing so there are rules that flow perfectly through the harmonization of differing characters.  We can be who we are without judgement because we've already judged ourselves and we all know it.  In doing so we feel the freedom to just be who we are.  We become "just cool".

Question is what makes people so damn real?  These are people that are brutally honest with themselves and others about their intentions and motives.  One interesting trait about most real people is that they see themselves as a work in progress.  Why?  Because to be brutally honest is to see all difficiency...difficiencies that need changing.  My people are as real as they come.  They are real about their strengths AND their weaknesses.  We all choose to face interaction with ourselves and others with the understanding that in every action and word...there is motive.  Motives at core are ALL the same yet what differs one from the other are the layers created by experience and perspective.  Nothing shocks us or moves us because we understand that for the most part people are full of shit and only the really mature can embrace this reality with ease.  Brutal honesty comes at cost.  The cost is the bliss of ignorance.  Most people learn this only after they have come across several personal dissapointments in people they were intimate with.  Yet others never come to this realization because they cant handle it.  They are so messed up they dont want to admit how messed up they are.  They are fully aware that to fix said difficiencies would take too much damn work and sometimes fixing these difficiencies means letting go of a "comfort crutch"...something the weak cannot bring themselves to do.  That can be anything from food to extreme neediness.  So they project this lala-land idea of "basic goodness" onto others so they can with ease accept this for themselves and never ever have to face their own demons.  This is why they keep getting into shit and messes.  They can't bring themselves to accept this in others.  They dont accept that the one saying "Hi" with the beautiful smile is out for something.  They accept the "Hi" at face value and get burned later on because the person saying "Hi" turned out to be an asshole.  They could've seen this from jump had they just accepted the truth of things.  Understand that people are selfish at heart.  We want what we want when we want it.  Babies dont care what time it is..."IT'S 3AM, GIVE ME MY MILK B**CH!!!" lol  Selflessness is LEARNED.  Accepting this of yourself and others allows you to see motive.  In determining motive you can then control the outcome or even avoid an impending outcome.  This is what brings ease and peace in the presence of the most complicated of variables...the human being.  Once you can accept the truth of this it becomes easier to determine motive and determining motive gives you command of your environment.  Hold up...does this mean Im also full of shit?  Absolutely!!!  Except that I'll tell you where I'm full of shit and in doing so prevent my own dishonesty.  Although I always tell myself first ;-)

Anyway...these are my kind of people.  The real...people with masks they're willing to take off in my presence and in time altogether.  People that tell me things like "I dont want to date her...I just want to bang her" lol...you know who you are bro ;-)  People that tell me the truth.  THESE are my people because they are like me.  These are hard lessons to learn but the best lessons provide the "why" and not just the "what".  The "what" involves the "action" and the "why" provides the motive.  If you receive the "why" then that means you have changed your perspective and the "what" comes easy.  If you receive only the "what" then you will only "perform" in the presence of the teacher to get a good grade but there is no REAL change.  Thats called being fake...be real people...for real.  Im spent ;-)

Value...

You know I tend to talk a lot about value simply because I know what it's like to be a person of value.  Not in a big headed way but in ways developed through sincere introspection.  So long as there is something noble inside you that has the ability to move someone else...you my friend have value.  When I talk about relationships I always advise the partners to find and acknowledge each other's value because THAT is one of the major ways one keeps from straying...you know what you have in the one you're with.  Something that is unique to them that moves your soul.  Something you can never find in anyone else.  Something that makes you sigh a sigh of relief every time you think on that trait...or when you see many without it.  You ask yourself the question..."what is my woman worth?"  If your answer is "priceless" then you need not go anywhere else.  Settle in and build that relationship as though you are building a home about to hit every kind of weather imaginable.  Build it with thoughts of longevity and stability in mind.  If you are always doubting it's value or security then you will just go through the motions until your self fulfilling prophecy of separation comes to pass.  You can pinpoint that one because the one that doubted always had an escape plan at the ready.  They go on as though you never existed and pick up from the day before you guys got serious...f**ked up but true.  That's when you realize that you were nothing special in their eyes.  They expected an end so they never closed doors or severed ties they had while uncomitted..."just in case".  No people, if the person you are with has value, dont just let them know but show them.  Let them feel it in your touch, let them hear in your voice and let them hear about it from friends they told in private.  Decisions made that can never be unmade are the true markers of proof they know what they have in you.  If you see that you know they are in it FOR you...that is a keeper.  That is one you don't mess with.  That is one you treat as though they are deserving of all you have to offer...value.

Now as the man that I am I find heavy value in the strong woman.  The woman that doesn't easily say "yes".  The one that says "sorry but I don't know you like that to be giving out my number".  The one that catches the bullshit and lets it be known that she sees it.  The one that is willing to stay alone because she knows what she is worth and will never capitulate for the sake of loneliness.  You see to most men this woman is "work".  This is a tough nut that will not put out that quickly.  That will only show interest when she sees something of value herself in the man first.  To this woman attention is fleeting and annoying...a waste of her time because its obvious to her, given her judgement of her surroundings and motives, that this one and that one is only interested in one thing.  She has VALUE enough in herself to know that cheap and easy will never do.  She is tough to most but to me and other real men...she is one to pursue.  Why you might ask?  Well consider this...if you see this woman was tough to reach by you then you know her loyalty will never be in question.  Her choices carry more weight and you see that she chose you among the scores she has said no to.  You were not just another number in a series.   Not just another interest that strokes her ego.  A man sees that and sees the mother of his children.  The wife he can love freely because he knows she is FOR him.  Women like this will bleed for you.  Women like this are priceless.  Find one like this and get ready to be treated like a f**king king...and be ready to get on YOUR knees for HER ;-) 

Now the one that says yes to every advance and smiles at just a glance is always targeted by the boys for temporary fun.  They think they are playing the game but all the while they are getting played themselves.  Erroneously thinking that in giving up their power (attention, interest and vagina lol) they have placed a hold on the man they just snagged lol  Ladies, ladies!!!  The fact is that once you have given them what they were looking for, you serve no purpose to them anymore but for the next round of "a few seconds of fun"...ugh.  You have no opinion, you have no heart nor do you have interests that he cares about.  You are just a "cum depository" and that's all you will ever be to them.  If they leave because you are "holding out" then let them leave because that means they were only after one thing...you dont need them.  Wake up ladies to this please.  Learn how to value what you ARE because if all you value is what you HAVE (between your legs and otherwise) then that's what you'll attract in men and all the men looking for substance will pass you by or leave when they finally figure out you were faking your own sense of value.  Saying "NO" attracts the real man...saying "YES" all the time attracts the ones looking for a piece of free ass and by word of mouth (from someone you thought you could trust)...attracts his buddies as well...hmmm.

People, please know what you are worth and seek out those willing to appreciate it.  Seek out those willing to show you that appreciation without restraint.  Anything less should never do for a person of true value... 

I Retreat...

You know I remember back in the "youth service" days.  We would get all ready to go on these weekend retreats.  Away from everyday life, the youth would gather for conventions or getaways that involved fasting and prayer.  Songs, quiet times and heavy fellowship were the goals of trips like that.  They were wonderful.  We would come back refreshed and ready to tackle any problem with our new found strength...yeah lol  The zeal lasted about a week.  Real life circumstances begun to chip away at received promises from God and routine craziness started up all over again.  Making us want to stay in that glory cloud every time we went.  Yeah we would go up to that mountaintop to receive only to lose it all in the valley.

Why would that happen?  The weight of whatever we receive is only as good as what our own strength can carry.  I can give you a million dollars.  Question is what will you do with it?  Will you squander it on friends, drinks and bullshit or will you be mature enough to invest it wisely for the health of your future?  It's funny but getting away doesn't help if your life is a mess.  People think that getting rid of the thing that binds you is the key to personal success when the truth is that what binds you is not the problem...YOU are.  The fact that anything has any kind of hold on you is the main issue...especially when it serves as the gateway to distructive behavior.  Running away doesnt help because when you get back from your "escape" you are greeted with the harsh reality that your life is well...f***ed up lol  It's as though your "vacation" never took place.  No matter how hard you try...you cannot escape you.  It would be nice to be able to go someplace not for refreshing or to "get away" but just for the sake of going.  To appreciate the good things in life and to be able to take that with you everywhere you go.  Yeah it would be nice but there is a requirement...fix you first lol  Endeavor to prosper in the valley so when you get to the mountaintop and receive whatever you receive, you'll be strong enough to carry it with you on the way back down. 

Amazing...8:30 AM and havent slept yet lol

BUT...this song and video is AMAZING!!!  VERY very well done :-)

"I Want You"

Once the love was strong

Now it's long, long gone
'cause the pain, pain now as a storm
I remained, holding on
'cause I want you, 'cause I want you
I want you, I want you

I've been thinking bout, I've been thinking about
I've been thinking bout you lately
Thoughts take me to when we were close
Addicted to your love, feel I need another dose
I know it's a feeling that should be long gone
Things seem to come up when I hear our song
Golden brown girl, it seemed so long
Since I heard your voice, where did the king go wrong?
Emotions that, that they linger on
I guess 'cause I never knew a love so strong
So many hot girls I need your warm
The taste of your mouth girl I need your warm
Good food and love I need your warm
This here was made before we were born
A dreamer so I'm a keep dreaming on
It's kind of like 'The Breakup' with Jen and Vince Vaughn

[Chorus:]
Once the love was strong
Now it's long, long gone
'cause the pain, pain now as a storm
I remained, holding on
'cause I want you, cause I want you
I want you, I want you
'cause I want you, cause I want you
I want you, I want you

They say you don't know, know, know what you got
Till what you got is gone
Yeah I write such and such, you're a lot but the feelings not as strong
We were like 2 birds that were able to fly
I try to pick the right words to say to the sky
Some days I would try but wasn't able to cry
I never been good at saying goodbye
I take a deep breath when the times is hard
When I reminisce over you, my God
I spent many years trying to be the heartthrob
I guess it's only right that I got my heart robbed
The scent of a room that reminds me of you
A hint of perfume it reminds me of you
Take a look at the moon it reminds me of you
Hope the stars and the gods align me and you

[Chorus]

We do what we do and we do what we live
I love this way cause I got it as a kid
With so much to give from it, I never hid
The love that I wrote on the mirror it got smeared
My friends say it was a change for the better
But I say, girl you changed my forever
Relationships they can be as strange as the weather
Rain or sun we can sing this together

'cause I want you, 'cause I want you
I want you, I want you
'cause I want you, 'cause I want you
I want you, I want you