A funny thing happened on his way to doing the right thing. He found out it doesn't mean shit to anyone but himself...
There are many that seek to finalize some kind of recognition from the ones they love. They want to put a final stamp on who they are that no one would ever question them again but sadly, at least in my experience...it is a task for fools. It seems to make no difference. The same complaints, the same arguments, the same accusations...all surface in times of egotistical angst. All look to put a blind eye to all you've said and done. Motives are questioned and all you've sacrificed is shrugged off as "whatever" just to say "shut the fuck up, I do what I want...who are you to tell me shit". I keep forgetting that this is all too human. I keep forgetting that love, tenderness, encouragement and supply are all inconsequential when it come the "I". There is no more "we" in this world. Family wanes in the face of "me". Folks, I have finally exhausted my need to prove anything to anyone anymore. I have found it futile and worthless. People see you according to the moment and treat you not according to your value, but according to the air they breathe at any given time. There is no consistency except that which their desires would dictate. If in one second, they think they can better you, they will treat you like someone in the way until you leave and when they find they can't...sweets and treats are given to keep you around. I've been there way too many times and as I found this was a pattern in my life, I decided to let go of it all and concentrate on me and yet...I've kept regressing. I've held onto some notions I deemed "bits of trust" to keep me from a sense of utter bleakness at the idea of humanity. I can't do this anymore. I wait for the day when things will permanently change and I only see patterns to the contrary. I hold on to hope but hope fades every time those around me regress into everything they said they hated only to come back again....only to regress again. Even the seasoned have let go of the reigns of order and conviction that they may choose at whim what is right and what is wrong. The honor in self denial for the sake of steadfastness is now gone. It's no longer cool to say a thing and mean it because you might feel differently tomorrow. As I understood it and as I live it...a word is never dependent or adjusted by "feelings". Without a steady word, there can be no stability or peace of mind and I am tired of fighting for a stability outside of myself when all these things should come naturally. Without fuss or fight. Without having to repair or remind. Logic and reason dictate the air of stability but if logic and reason get in the way of "me" then logic and reason are tossed aside...along with stability and peace. So herein my air gets tighter every day and my breathing is getting more shallow. I'm standing in the middle of a chaotic highway watching cars pass by at light speed in every direction imaginable, crashing into everything and what's worse is that those that should be watching with me, one by one...are opting to take part in the chaos.
It's hard to be a man of code and conviction in a world dictated by the air of children...the air of whims. Where are the adults that once fought for intellectual honesty? For the immovable standard? Folks, I'm a fucking relic and an antique. One that just realized how alone he really is...
Maybe this is just a rant or maybe it's just time for another change. I really don't know. I will go through the motions of life as I have been but my heart is no longer beating as it was. My eyes have dimmed so as not to see anything anymore because seeing only reminds me of all I lose daily. Maybe if I go on with the motions, my heart will eventually catch up again. Shit I really hope so. At this stage...it really has to...otherwise...
I'm just so fucking tired...
~Moses Apollo Apolinaris
