Manifest The Fallen...

Weird...  Something happened I either cannot put my finger on or I just don't want to say what I really feel for fear some may think me mad.  As I walked from The Vitamin Shoppe on 86th back to where I'm staying, I noticed someone I had seen before standing a block away in front of me just staring in my direction with a smirk on her face.  She had thick glasses but it was apparent she could see better than I could.  As drew closer it was as though this was the same person but wasn't...if that makes sense.

As I approached to say hello, she clearly did not recognize me and could only look at me from the corner of her eye.  This woman in her 70's sheepishly told me how good I looked insisting she wasn't flirting but kept repeating "you stand out...you stand out".  She must've said it three times in succession like she was forced to.  I knew she did not remember me and I knew...she was different.  What light was on her face was gone.  Not just gone...but replaced by dark.  Her presence was different as well.  What was clean and clear before was now almost ashy and dank.  I kept our strange conversation to about 25 seconds or so and I walked away perplexed.

I don't know what just happened or if it meant anything at all.  It sure did leave a mark...but why?  I know I said I would be honest about everything on here but some things I can say are reserved for those that can understand.  For those standing in the same space; that can speak the same language...I can say a lot in two words.  Since that type is fading, I'm left to this medium.  I started this piece by saying "weird".  Allow me to say "well, another day in the life...".

Maybe sayin "it's time" is truer than when I've said it before...we'll see...

~Moses

Thursday's Prayer - A Poem by Moe

whisper sweetness to my ears

till that is all I hear

cleanse my eyes to find my years 

relinquishing my fear

take my hands and give them strength

to hold to all that's real

feet to meet my journey's length 

with purpose to reveal 

train my mind for vision quest

to know which road to take

flood the heart within this chest

with love's impassioned ache

~Moses Apollo 

Curse The Death - A Poem by Moe

"I've come to talk with you again..."

castles built by human hands

can always see an end

whither cry these barren lands

that once did beauty lend

tears that showered humbled souls

have dried to sullen eyes

twisted digs these cratered holes

whose depths find truth in lies

tides will wash away what stood

till all that's left is him

curse the death of all that's good  

destroyed by senseless whim

~Moses

The Ones That Stood...

This revolution is of the soul..."rise"

I got a call last night from my brother.  We spoke about the past, the present and the future.  A conversation that brought my grievance into perspective and in the same vein, something he told me encouraged me to no end.  My rants in these days have served to crystallize an issue that I have been seeing among my generation.  There seems to be a "letting go" of sorts of conviction due to the purposeful silencing of conscience for the sake of false relatability.  Too many in my generation have made the false assumption that the new generation has the answers simply because they were born after us.  A claim I can disprove with ease.  If anything, they have become weak, silly and foolish.  A generation crying over words that have no spirit.  Shuttered in by safe spaces and a politically correct narrative that keeps them from the reality of consequence.  Living in a world that believes there is no real malice in the world and that to assume so even with the evidence of precedent and logic...is evil.  It is the saddest thing to watch but what's even sadder, is watching my generation think they could learn something from this rabble of nonsense.  Folks, I rant here because in most cases, I have no one to speak to and most times, I share for the purpose of "working out" what's inside.  I read them over and over again until I "get it".  Oh and I sure nough "get it"...

I have hope because I see the next generation picking up where we left off.  My brother told me that his daughter has been going through changes.  Most would think this small but he was amazed that she would approach him crying because she had disrespected him even though he had not shown the usual displeasure.  This was not induced by him but by her conscience.  A truly welcome change he did not expect for someone so young.  Where most are dulling their conscience to accept a freedom without nobility or truth, she is allowing truth access to her conviction.  A trend I see happening online as a direct backlash to truth being turned on its head through a PC narrative.  Folks, understand this: Conviction is based in conscience and has the task of changing a soul for the better whereas shame is based in guilt whose purpose is to stifle.  Shame is easy to maintain because embarrassment is easy to stoke and conviction can be muted by simply denying or ignoring a truth.  Too many in my generation have decided that "old fashioned" is outdated.  Yet these "outdated" ideals are based in universal truths that do not change with time.  Too many fall into the trap that what is "normal" for the times should dictate one's ideals.  Well I'll tell you what; if you read my piece on the Manchester terrorist attack, you'll see an example of a man fighting off the deadening of his conscience to be able to accept mass murder without feeling the heartbreak of the lives that were lost.  The times may try to dictate our norms but they will never define truth.  Truth does that without exception.  The second I find myself accepting a fallacy is the second I need to check myself.  It's easy when it's practiced...

So I don't change because I'm a stubborn bastard.  I hang on to what I know to be true even though the changes around me are trying to convince me my ways are wrong because they are old.  The reality is that they are old because they have stood the test of time.  While others allow their conscience to become silent for the sake of ease, I sharpen mine until the world comes back around to me only to repeat the cycle all over again.  In the end, I will be the one people remember as "the one that stood" and I'm more than ok with that.  It's never easy bearing a standard...but it's definitely worth it...

~Moses Apollo

I Like It Cool...

Had a conversation today with a man askin for advice.  He gave me the gist of what he was going through and I found it hysterical given what he decided to do about his dilemma.  Now what he decided to do is something that I'll keep to myself so allow me to continue without the funny details.  This man was messaging someone he had met on an online dating site.  Seemed like a self-assured woman.  A nurse with a 4 year old and a body.  Things were going ok but he began to notice that there was way more unmerited push than there was pull and although he thought it ok to just "hit it", I told him he would be crazy to do so. Why?

Well folks, I'll keep it plain.  If you are with someone that seems to have a constant chip on their shoulder or feels the need to have a "come back" to every request (even the simple ones), that person is someone vying for the notion of supremacy even at the expense of truth.  You could read off a mathematical equation signed off by a PhD and they would argue with you simply so you won't feel superior given their agreement.  That my friends is someone that is full of shit without needing to be and something that you DO NOT want to have to deal with on the regular.  The most exhausting thing you will ever face is trying to explain a basic truth to someone that believes you have an ulterior agenda of dominance.  Oh and don't even get me started on the re-litigants.  The ones that re-visit the same damn argument every few weeks or months.  You have an argument, you settle on it thinkin you have peace then all of a sudden, they want to argue the same thing all over again as though this time, it's something new.  As though they never came to a mutual understanding.  It's like you're in an episode of the Twilight Zone.  Forced to relive complaints and cares you thought were buried by two understanding adults.  I just quit trying because it makes no sense wasting that much energy.  Most people like this know you are correct but do not want to accept what you're saying for fear they are capitulating to you.  It is THE dumbest thing I have ever had to deal with so I came to the conclusion that I would no longer participate.  They want to be wrong, it's got nothing to do with you.  Let em have it and let em go.  It's like talking to a wall that only has prepared comebacks electronically taped onto it and that ain't nothin but silly pride.  A pride that always cometh before the fall...

What's even more hilarious is that these folk portend to be strong and independent.  They think that disagreeing proves they are unafraid to speak their minds without considering if what they are speaking makes any real sense or if it's something they truly believe.  A truly strong and independant soul doesn't have to prove it by contesting every little thing.  They are self assured.  A trait that engenders a strong humility that accepts error with a profound sense of grace and class.  It doesn't take much for them to see an error and say sorry with sincere humility.  That impresses me because I know how hard that can be.  That shows real strength.  Now if that is you and you have an asshole as a mate, they will in error see this humility as a weakness to exploit.  If this is the case, then you are not with someone that deserves you.  Unfortunately there-in lies most of the problem.  Too many assholes have populated the earth.  Creating a group of defensive individuals unready to compromise or understand and thus, way too many adults ready to act like children for the sake of a phantom "upper-hand" that doesn't mean a fuckin thing.

So folks, if you know you don't have an asshole then trust they will accept you with all your vulnerabilities.  Be yourselves...try to stop playin the fuckin game.  You're gonna be wrong and you're gonna be right.  It's fine.  Now, if you find yourself on the receiving end of this bullshit...walk away.  Life's too short to be yelled at for nothing or to be painted as a dick because you ain't playin along.  Their loss.  Just one little caveat though.  The second you stop playing...your eyes will zoom in on how many still are.  You'll see how much bullshit there is in today's mating game and in truth, you will need to look for reasons not to be alone.  Just sayin, nothing turns me off more than unnecessary games.  It's like sittin in a fuckin lounge chair chillin and someone decides to throw you a fuckin football thinkin it's ok.  I dig my peace...and I like it cool but if somethin ain't right, it ain't right.  Much love and good night.

~Apollo

Unseen...

"I don't want the world to see me cause I don't think that they'd understand..."

Been out of the public eye for quite some time and it's been quite liberating.  Yet, there is a secret I must share.  You see most people revert to who they are when they feel they are not being seen because they feel they are not being judged.  They start letting go in their training.  They start eating more and sometimes even turn to vices.  It reveals so much of who a person is and what they truly believe.  Do they stand on the same principles and faith?  Or do they just let go of all the principles they only pretended to believe in to save face in the public eye.  As to being seen; how could someone say they believe in God yet not feel they are being seen simply because they are out of the sight of men?  If God was real to them, would they not feel the conviction of an ever present God?  I don't know, maybe I'm just from a whole nother era.  In truth...I miss some days gone past but we live in the time we are given and we are who we are.  True strength is found when we are able to swim against the tide.  Not because we're told it's right and not because we've convinced ourselves of our cause.  We swim against the tide because we know it in our bones that this will be the better way.  This knowledge ensures that even when we mess up, we get right back to swimming.

My secret?  I am who I am.  Seen or unseen...this is me.  In fact, I tend to become more disciplined when I'm unseen.  I guess maybe it's because I have no one judging me for being old-fashioned or too rigid.  Something I feel I'm getting a lot of these days.  To see people I've known to be seasoned "try on" some new fad or some fucked up "do-me" dance is comically sad.  I get the "try" but when they need to change their well-earned perspective to stick with this new flow?  I get to questioning just how serious they were about their belief system to begin with and I don't give two fucks who reads this and wants to toss me aside for being this way.  Sure you dig me when you need someone to talk to or receive advice from.  Im Mr fuckin wonderful because I'm physically disciplined and I require way more than a pussy to get off.  You all love that shit when it's fuckin convenient.  When fuck boy can't do the one thing you have him for and when you get tired of trying to explain complex deep issues with someone that couldn't care less, I get a "hey!!!".  Well guess what?  All the shit you all love about me is based on my deeply held belief system.  I love deeply because I see deeply.  I am loyal first, apologetic first and giving first because I believe that one doesn't deserve what is not given first.  Get it yet?  Can't deal with it?  Then you can't deal with me and THIS is why I feel lonelier by the day.  I'm tryin hard not to be bitter about it but it's fucking hard.

I know what's right and I ain't changing for anything or anyone.  The only change I'll accept is an expansion within the best of me...as I have always done.  I still have a long way to go but the me that stands for all I know to be real is rooted in a truth that can never be uprooted.  If it leaves me lonely?  Fuck it...I'll be lonely and free to be and do right.  Oh and just so you all know...I ain't complaining about shit.  I'm making a declaration to anyone interested in knowing where my mind's at.  I was walking about today and I saw an amazingly beautiful young girl follow me with her eyes and mouth wide open.  Anyone of my friends would've told me to bend on this one.  Most men would've engaged but nah...I'm good knowing who I am.  Unseen...

~Moses Apollo

This Wretched Host - A Poem by Moe

"times we know will soon be gone..."

now forced to look inside
I'm torn by solitudes
I seek my place to hide
from soulless multitudes

that seek out rotted flesh
whose end is buzzards meat
I'm trying not to mesh
with clay that chains my feet

for I am now a wretch
to them that find disease
as honor does not fetch
or seeks the aimless breeze

it's time to call on death
and find my freedom's ghost
alone to walk the breadth
without this wretched host

ode to Rimbaud...

~Moses Apollo 

And So I Write...

"may you never be broken again..."

I set this blog as a place where people could come and understand that what they feel is not exclusive to them by revealing my innermost.  I've done so with rants, lessons and poetry.  You see, the truth is when we go through hardship and life, it's comforting to know that not only have others felt the same...but that they've made it through or found joy in the differing processes we go through in the everyday.  It's always good to know that there is a light at the end of tunnel.  I can attest to that fact a thousand times over and tonight is no different...so I write.

I see cracks of light shining through the dark clouds I've grown accustomed to.  My heart beats the same and my love is just as strong.  I will never allow this world or my trials to jade me...so I write.  Darkness only sticks if you let it.  My Lord has allowed me to look beyond my clouds into the light of others and into the joy I can expect at the end of my trial.  This time has been hard but I know others have had it worse and somehow they've made it through by the grace of God.  I know my lesson will serve another someday...and so I write...much love

~Moses 

Broken - A Poem by Moe

"hourglass we can't rewind..."

his vessel filled to brim

with all that hinders him

unknown he fights the spill

protecting stubborn will

till purpose says no more

and seals shut every door

that he may sound the cry

for help God won't deny

for this is where we break

to drain for newness sake

with vessel now bone dry

his limits reach the sky

~Moses

Useful Idiot - A Poem by Moe

I lay here in a pool of blood

death nears it's final stage

a darkness covers like a flood

to take me to my cage

but how did I become so cold

with rage enough to kill

the seconds left I have to hold

recalls my stolen will

for I have heard of these great men

whose plans would save the day

but evil men whose names Id pen

would soon become my prey

the talking heads and learned folk

would speak of all their sin

till anger, malice, hate did stoke

the fire that raged within

these men of sin and hate would seek

to stop salvation's day

but talk was proving way too meek

so I would find a way

although my ways they cried for peace

these greats frustrated war

so found I justified release

to strip me of my core

I heard the cry of all the greats

that sketched this man of straw

drawn racist, sexist evil traits

till that is all I saw

soon souls became no more than names

that needed snuffing out

when those that played those evil games

upon me feigned devout

a weapon blinded by their rage

is what they made of me

and I now sit in hellish cage

as they live fine and free...

~Moses Apollo

Kissed - A Poem by Moe

"A light hits the gloom on the grey..."

mix love and lust divine

to call it making love

this sweet and bitter wine

tastes better shared above

the heavens tame the hour

to slowly disappear

I rest inside your flower

my heartbeat's all you hear

now lost inside this grace

where time does not exist

what's temporal can't replace

this ever I have kissed

~Moses Apollo

Poisoned By The Truth - A Poem by Moe

"and at once I knew...but I could see for miles and miles and miles"

an ailment struck my soul

a matter none too small

while staring down this hole

as sight has been my call

the call to see all things

as they are sent to me

inside the depths of kings

as they were meant to be

but dark is long at view

as all takes time to change

and when the time springs new 

my heart must rearrange

but what if all that dark

took longer than you thought

suspicion leaves a mark

to fight the faith you brought

such doubt and fear consumes

all manner of belief

but rooted faith it blooms

when heart is weighed by grief

yes ailment struck me wrong

and burdens fought my youth

but tested faith's made strong

when poisoned by the truth

~Moses

For Him - A Poem by Moe

"I'll never be your beast of burden, I've walked for miles my feet are hurting

All I want is for you to make love to me..."

these tested winds and wandered streets

a conscienced heart in man completes

and settles wholeness in this heart

to bring forth shine in every part

and what you find you wish to own

for here this man is wholly grown

you seek to love him in your space

without a thought to his own race

you say that he is made for you

as love it cloaks the rest that's true

your needs will fill your cup to brim

and fail to ask...are you for him

~Moses Apollo

Destined Call - A Poem by Moe

"With these waves crashing over my head..."

the rain is steady on this night

and clouds obscure my second sight

to clean the waste that's left behind

by shattered pavement I have mined

oh I could cry at being blind

but I know truth I'd never find

without this rain that falls on me

my eyes would crust with naught to see

for waste it covers all that's great

within the soul that's made to wait

and so I sit as raindrops fall

to heal my path for destined call 

~Moses

Night Writer - A Poem by Moe

"I love to turn you on..."

insomniac from death to wake

now sleepless goes his soul

his moon to rise will find the make

of air that breathes the whole

for sun does feed the busy mind 

ingesting all it's care

but moon gives way for soul to find

and organize it's air

the nightly stills and quiet hums

elucidate all schemes

to quiet down the daily drums

and pen his waking dreams

~Moses Apollo