"embrace me when you want... kiss me when you want..."
It is a beautiful thing to be loved...
To see someone swoon at the opening of your heart. To know they are grateful for your existence in their lives. To know that the tickle you feel in your belly at the thought of them is shared when they think of you too. Oh to feel the embrace of an "I'm so glad you're in my arms" and to be blessed to recriprocate a kiss that can go on forever in the expanse of a moment. And then... to also know that the pain of missing you has them wondering if it's worth it all, only to conclude... that it is. The good, the bad and the grand... the complex splendor of it all. Beyond the pains of the day and the wallows of night.
The day may come when you find yourself surrounded by folks that admire you or even want you for one reason or another. You don't exactly see what they see in you because the truth is, you didn't try to put on a show or try to be anything more than a better you. At first, you may decide to hide, but after some time, you realize that there's nothing you can do about how others perceive you. Good or bad... you are what you are and you refuse to downplay all that you are for the sake of appeasement or comfort. You decide to take what you are to do what you can with it. You can take the worst of yourself and go the selfish route or decide on the better route... to do what you can to help like-hearted others along their way.
You take the good with the bad of it. A process that will have you experiencing the spectrum of humanity. From appreciation to disdain you receive it all and stay on mission. Even when slapped in the face, you persist because you know that what was given to you didn't come cheap so who the f*ck are you to complain. You are not exactly a sinner and you're not exactly a saint... you're just the "you" that sought the better of all you could become inside. No better or worse than anyone else. Just further along in the journey everyone has the ability to travail. You could walk ahead alone or take as many as would come with you. At first you look back and see many follow but as the years go by and the times change... only a few. You endeavor to keep going into undiscovered countries and places everyone warned you about. You press on. Every once and a while you find an oasis in your desert. At first, you meet those that were ahead of ahead of you that have decided they've gone far enough. Sometimes you inspire them to press on but most times... you press on alone. Until you come upon an empty oasis. An island you can claim as your own. It is here that you find rest...
In your downtime, you leave long notes, songs or poetry about your travels, loves and experiences so that any new travelers that come by can learn or relate from all you've come through. To encourage them on the press. To let them know... there's another island just up ahead... "come find me when you're ready." Other times, you don a purposed mask and head back a few miles. The mask you wear can be akin to the rich woman that decided to keep her public assistance to hide what she truly has or it can mirror the fitness enthusiast that no longer posts pictures of his physique to keep folks guessing as to whether or not "he fell off." A mask that helps reveal the truest intent of those that followed you. Each time coming back to the oasis a little more disheartened by what you see... but you press on. Understanding that the farther you go... the more alone you will be.
At this point you may feel the weight of loneliness slowing you down or leading you into disastrous distractions but you know and are reminded of something. That most of those you truly ever touched or loved at one time or another, whether it be physically, mentally or spiritually, are just a whisper away from finding you. From travailing along a similar path tailored to them. Knowing that some things can never be broken. Knowing that you carry the hearts of unbridled passion, tales and understanding that most could only dream of carrying. Knowing that no matter how you look at it... you are blessed.
As I've come to learn of the road along the way... one thing is undeniably true: This road is not just for special folk. It's not for some "elite" kind nor is it solely for the innately gifted. It is for every human being with the desire to travail it. Yes... that means you too. We ALL start walking it when we are born but too many these days have been distracted by what is now called "life" that they've just stopped at one oasis and called it "home"... something it was never meant to be. At the edge of the line of your existence, there is a place... a new oasis unlike the rest. With all the needed bells, whistles and timeless voices needed to proceed in growth with less effort or solitude. If I should ever reach this place without you... "come find me when you're ready". Time to press on... I'm out...
Chet Baker and the sun rises with me. A long productive night behind me and an open hearted road ahead... that ain't half bad. A man of no regrets... thinkin I should find me some, but my conscience would just laugh and say, "Who the hell are you, kiddin?". See, I dig the quality loves that graciously meander by me, and my appetite is right on par these days... I'm just picky as hell and I still get extremely humbled by it all. Almost like I got a few lifetimes ahead of me you dig?...
Who knows, maybe something will happen to change all that, but in the meantime... I do as I please without the full on tease. Just easy, baby... I'm out...
If only you could feel what I feel when I touch you from this very place. To feel your blood rush and the pulse of where it winds up. Engorging that beautifully hidden spot I aim to please with a tease and the light flicker of my tounge. If only you could see what I see...
Music drowns out all sound as it becomes the moments soundtrack. With closed eyes I can see you in the midst of ecstasy as the scented candle flickers on the bedside table... head back, mouth slightly open. Your breath is shallow but heavy. Your bare chest rises and falls as your head tilts back even more behind your pillow. Your legs tense as your heels dig into the bed giving rise to your pelvis. Your hands clasp on the bed as you begin to pump even harder into my face... making it easier for me to suck on that hidden spot while at the same time allowing my tounge to reach even deeper depths. Allowing me to taste all of you until you shiver from the pain of pleasure. The surrender of your release is both beautiful and satisfying... A sigh from the depths of your heart lets you know this was no fluke... that this was an expression of true love. Blessed to receive just as much as I was blessed to give. An eternal moment that belongs only to us... just as you feel it now. If we can experience this here...
If only...
Lust alone is not enough. It must find its place in the purity of love. In the surrender of it... if it is to become... "magic"
Take a snapshot of who and where you are right now. Look at the pic and ask yourself if that snapshot represents who you are holistically. Does it show all you've been through? Can someone take a look at it and come to the right conclusions? Probably not... now ask yourself why.
The wisest among us that suffer from extreme passion will tell you that only way they have ever learned anything that stuck was through trial and error. Book knowledge had to be proven before it became conviction. It had to be etched into soul by experience. The stubbornness of the impassioned soul is legendary in love and all else that requires "the press" but this "feature" is also a liability in that in order for it's bearer to learn, it must be humbled and that requires taking it to a near breaking point. Advice... isn't always enough. That pic you took? Was more than likely you in transition from the stupor of error into the sobriety of wisdom. How do I know? Look at me ;-)
Almost everything I know came from errors committed. Some external...most internal, but most if not all were followed up by a fluid conclusion through introspection that produced a palpable change. All I thought I was so certain of as a youth has either been refined or slapped away by the pain of trial... it's life my people. So whether in behavior, perspective or both... change through trial remains settled because it now carries a narrative of scars. Do you know why I still believe in those that have failed? Because I refuse to judge them on the snapshot and have come to know them enough holistically to understand that this "error" is something they may have needed to finally solidify another needed piece of their character's puzzle. The danger is found in the reality that they can either fall into despair or rebuild to build anew with all they've learned from what they've just come through and it sucks to watch them crash land into their own mirrors of introspection. In such cases, all you can do is do your best to lift them up again. Even if they've tossed you away or set you aside... keep prayin for them and do what you can from a distance if you can't get close. I've great training in this with my own flesh and blood on extreme levels. Friends and lovers ain't nothin compared to that...
So for my friends that, like myself, "suffer from extreme passion": if you find yourself crash landing on that mirror after an error, understand that you had to get there somehow. If it took this error to drag you to the place you most needed to be... consider yourself blessed that you now have a chance to learn from it all. To grow from it all. Yeah it can hurt sometimes but it's how we are designed to learn. Don't fool yourself... all our "great" comes balanced out with some "bad" we have to refine. We may not be able to cut it out of us but through trial and error we can learn to integrate it so that it will serve our "great". Dust yourself off... and begin again renewed...
As for me, allow me to brag on my Lord a bit. I went and took a follow-up MRI of my heart and the results were nothing short of amazing. I'd say "miraculous" but I've seen my Lord do way greater than this. Ever since leaving the hospital, I really had no doubt... until the week before. It's always the freakin same. You psych yourself up for game day while training and you're sure of the outcome. Game day comes along and you start second guessing your prep lol In either case I showed "qualitatively improved" function on BOTH sides, doubled my VEF % (input/output) and all fibrosis is gone...yeah I'm gonna be around a long while and NOTHING and NO ONE can or will change that. Weapons are formed against me all the time but I've been promised they will NEVER prosper. So when I say "My Lord is good to me", I can say this without a doubt. Hey...it's been etched into my soul you dig? ;-) I'm out...
They beat soft and strong. They have the ability to believe on past what is seen. They cling to true promise and design. They do not waver... and though they may struggle at times... they do not fail. They are ripe for the vultures that look for cracks in their armor. Vultures that stand at the ready sniffing out the disease of loneliness that encases itself in beauty. Knowing that a few words and easy action will be enough to overcome the garbage that is available out there. That it will be enough to hide their selfish mal-intention long enough to seal the deal.
These hearts give their all only to be tossed aside on the cheap after the thrill is gone... when things get real. Left to suffer under a cloud of dissalussionment and doubt. Hearts that are designed to beat under the banner of purpose are slowly being suffocated by selfishness and greed. To my own detriment and loss, I've always endeavored to be the opposite of all that. To show these hearts that there are still (even if only a few left) men that see value in all they are. Men that will speak and show true loves design expressed in honor and passion. That would rather lose a thousand times over than break what God has beautifully and wonderfully made. Never to be walked on but always at the ready to show support, love and release as best they can. Remaining wise in the "doing"...
To these hearts I say: It was not all your fault. You did as your heart was designed to do. What its superpower was created to do... you loved with abandon and hope. With a love so rare, so "meant to be"... whose value has no price as it is given freely. Never shut off that spigot of hope, fire, desire and passion. Keep it alive and weep for those that lost it. Live and love as though you've no scars at all but keep those scars as life lessons branded into your souls skin. To now see through eyes of hope and passion matured. A maturity through experience that allows you the greater insight needed for even greater light and fire. To be able to shout out "here is my fire... and it now sees you bastards from miles away". Live on...love strong and only accept all you are worthy of. I will always believe in you... even when you can't. Even in the distance... even in the silence. With love...
He enters stage left...approaches the podium in an empty theater, clears his throat, and begins to speak into the microphone... eyes fixed on page. The place looks smoky, regal, and elegant:
"Step one... cut your nails to where your fingers can glide on fabric without resistance.
Step two...make sure you've brushed your teeth...but moreso your tounge. Take off as much "white" as you can.
Step three...bathe. At the end of your shower, use something called "Tend Skin" on your privates. This will prevent odor for days. If you can't find it... make your own. It's easy...
Now, on to the most important part of all:
Do your utmost to engender trust that will allow her to feel safe enough to be her truest self with you. This must be established before steps one through three can even be contemplated as those steps are necessary to remove distractions while in sexual sessions. This is the hidden level of foreplay most tend to overlook. Consider that a woman will orgasm by herself way more than she will with a man. Why? By herself, she is free to explore her body without critique or judgment, and it is our job...to let her know that this mindset and freedom is safe in our presence. As young men, we were conditioned to believe in the "technique." A "paint by numbers" program that had us believing WE were the "reason" she would orgasm (even some women believe it) when the truth is, her levels of comfort have so much more to do with it than our technique. Yes, it is our duty as lovers to learn the inner workings of the female form, but our most important task lay within. The sincerity by which we operate informs how we proceed to put her heart at ease, and this requires true introspection, understanding, and empathy. Now, some of you boys may already have scoffed at the idea that all this is needed for a "f*ck." Well, sorry to tell you, but you're in the wrong room. You can find information for that on any internet porn site. This room is for those looking to learn how to continue making love to her soul... from mind to heart to flesh and blood. To be able to convincingly carry the mantle of the "true lover."
And why is all this necessary? Because a session of true intimacy is never complete when it is one-sided. I will never again make love to a woman who is more attentive to what I was doing than to know to live in the moment herself. I've had a couple of experiences where, due to my "reputation" (often earned, sometimes fantastically manufactured), women would spectate. To be clear, I'm not talking about something I misread. The mood and timing would be set for a kiss or a session and instead of releasing that sexual or intimate energy, they'd switch to watch what I was "doing" as opposed to fully flowing in the moment. As though they were watching me "work" with a look of fascination or anticipation on their face. In some of those cases, I've not even attempted a kiss. It felt like they were expecting me to push some magic buttons that would get them going. Essentially, they take themselves partially out of the moment. They pre-conditioned their minds to expect something "otherworldly" when the truth is my so-called "magic" does not work to its fullest without their own. Now, if you know what you're doing, orgasms will take place either way but this isn't just about that. This is about having an "everlast" experience with the one you're connected with, and unless that connection is truly "instant," it can take some time to find. How do you find it?
Sincerity will find its connection, connection will build its trust and it is that trust that will produce the feeling of safety in your presence. She will allow you into HER world of pleasure. Once that door is open and that road is paved, almost anything touched, bitten, scratched, and tasted will be magnified ten-fold into an experience that will embed itself into the soul. Not only this, but you will also, over time, develop the ability to guide these moments through different levels. From the crazy to the erotic...sensuality will eventually come to have its own dial. Sounds good, right? Ok...caveat time:
and this is the point most men decide to leave...
You must come to understand that this can not be forced, manipulated, or conned into existence IF you want the most out of the experience. I can say this a thousand times, but most men will view this as another trick or tactic when it's anything but. This MUST be organic. This takes heart. It takes soul and a vision of love that supercedes selfishness. If you just rolled your eyes or think I'm being melodramatic, then you have a) never experienced what I'm talking about and b) most likely think that there is no difference between what I'm talking about and "f*cking". There is a HUGE difference between a f*ck boy and a lover. If you didn't know that? Congratulations... now you do.
Remember: true intimacy requires true connection. True connection requires brutal honesty, transparency, and understanding. In other words...this is NOT for the quintessential "gamer." The gamer armed with such knowledge is akin to a toddler running with newly sharpened scissors... never a good idea. In this, there is a responsibility as it can become a power. Respect it... honor it, and it will serve you and the one you come to love well. And with that... I bid you all... "adieu."
He situates his papers and sets them neatly into his folder, and begins to walk away from the podium. Exit stage right...the place looks smoky, regal...and elegant.
"What they do to one...they will do to another. Love from the loving...control from the insecure. Honor from the honorable...and betrayal from the weak-hearted..."
I remember working as an AB on The Dodge Island, and I was two weeks into my four week tour. Clarence (names changed to maintain anonymity) came on board at the same time my mentor Hector did. Both were black men coming on board when the Bama boys (Alabama) shift was workin days...first time I ever saw REAL racism. Now you might think we were "outraged" and called the company to make a stink at some comments, but no. We "handled" it. In the real world, we see these types as simple men who didn't come to know any better in life. We mainly look at them as antiques that never grew in value. It's not worth the energy it takes to even be bothered.
The two were eventually assigned to me, and I was to show them their duties as AB's. After some time, Captain Lightfoot asked me to give him a report on them both...especially Clarence. Cap was getting reports that he was having a bit of a hard time acclimating to things on board but given those reports were coming from the Bama boys, I told Cap to take them with a grain of salt. I told him that I saw potential in Clarence and that he had the makings to be a great seaman. About a week in, Clarence made a glaring error, and Cap came up to me to tell me he wasn't too sure about this kid, and I simply told him..."Give him time." He said he'd give him a chance but that he'd hold me responsible if it didn't work out.
Well, it turned out that for the next few tours, I was able to get on a better vessel, and I thought the Dodge Island was behind me. That turned out to be wishful thinking. The next tour would be on the Dodge yet again, and upon arriving, I was met by the Captain as was customary. He pulled me aside to tell me that I was right about Clarence as he had become his right-hand man. He said that letting him go would have been a grave mistake. Clarence eventually took me aside as well. He thanked me for believing in him even though he was messing up as bad as he was. He asked what he could do for me in return. I just said, "Keep making my judgment look good... do even better."
So why this story?
When I see potential... I hold fast to that belief till it is no longer reasonable or feasible to do so. There are many in my life that have made mistakes. Many that have made promises they intended to keep but couldn't as of yet that I have refused to lose faith in for years. Why? I saw in them something that let me know they were a safe enough bet. Their character let me know their promises were not made in deceit and their errors were all too human. To date, most have come through. Some have not but I have faith they eventually will. To believe in someone's potential is a hard thing. Even when it's based on proven ability. You can set yourself up for disappointment if you do so without understanding them and not everyone can stick it out for however long it takes. It's called "faith" for a reason and I have my own reasons to extend it outward to most.
See, I know what its like when an idea or investment (financial and emotional) takes so long, folk begin to question you and your credibility. It especially sucks when you really have no control over the circumstances surrounding the delay. Even if you've never made promises to them directly, it starts wearing on their belief in you when you have yet to complete what you said you would. Some are too polite to say anything and others begin to harbor resentment because your plans could have eventually involved them in some way. That last one...really sucks. You notice it in "language" and the "yeah right" looks they give when they think you're not looking. If you're like me that notices everything...you'll see it.
If this happens to you, try to keep an understanding spirit about it and keep doin you. They can believe or not. It shouldn't change your speed or course. However I do believe that in such cases you should back away as such a thing will eventually lead to disrespect and that's one thing I nor anyone else should tolerate. It is in no way merited or justified, but humans tend to "human". Backing away is never easy from people you love but how can you stick around someone that has already given up on you? If your future plans had them involved in some way, that now organically comes into doubt. Especially when love is involved and in these cases, it's a horrible feeling. It's neither in spite or anger but because you start to think, if they've quit on you once... the chances are probably good they'll be doing it again. You want folk around you that will tell you to keep goin... to keep pressin. Not to quit on you cause "we ain't there yet" you feel me? It is NOT an easy decision to make, but in such circumstances... the decision is kind of already made FOR you.
Folks, I tend to see things that could turn out to be as far as years away as "right around the corner". I keep the hope and flame for them alive as long as it takes to manifest. Yet I am learning that this is best done alone and in silence... and so I think it shall be. I'm out...
Between some letters, writ lay secrets passed down from mountaintops that were etched in soulish skin by broken glass...branded in the valleys of pain, pleasure, lust, and greed. Not as they are known by men... but as they were meant to be. Inside the "forbidden"...freely expressed by the "excused" in the name of purposed wisdom.
A subtle, silent breath. A "knowing"...hardened muscle designed to touch her soft supple skin...beating hearts begin to find the rhythm of a love inspired passion that rhymes. The sweet hello and the long goodbye. The beautiful sheen of sweat on her skin that sways alongside the flicker of a bedside candle. His gliding hands seek out the moisture that flows between the stems. His tongue seeks out the taste as hands are now held in ecstasy. She feels it even now as her heart races just thinking about it. Under pains of lust, she asks in silent tones, "Why does this feel so real?" She asks as her heart rate begins to rise even more while her fingertips reach for the door. "What if he showed up at my door?" Flashes and imagery flood her mind of a session that would forever become the standard of what it truly meant to be loved by desire itself. In that moment, he wants only her. Needs...only her and sees...only her. She feels it even now...as distanced hearts meet beneath his moon. "This is dangerous," she breathlessly says... but it doesn't stop her. Nothing can...and it is glorious...
