If you haven't figured this out yet, yeah...I know some things. I have been sitting on this hard floor thinking about topics I could share and a few popped out at me. One of which "holds" now having been crystallized in conversation. Some things I could not share with just anybody so with that being said, I am grateful to have such beautiful ears at my disposal...
So having said that, I will say this; "what if" is for children. "What is" in truth, is all that really matters. Why? Because "what if" will keep you in a state of senseless distraction while "what is" collapses from neglect all around you. This "dream" of the perfect life "if you only..." is a fairy tale. It is meant to keep you questioning the destiny that stands unfulfilled due to lack of motivated mobility. You wind up trudging along without the same tenacity that you would have had if you planned to be where you are. Guess what? You are where you are for a reason. You are who you are for a reason. All the blessings you have are there because you travailed the road you did and if you change anything along that road then think for a minute...
All the bad may be gone...but all the good along with it. Deal with that for a second and let it sink in. The children that you're proud of are gone. That wind of pain that fueled your artistry no longer moves your soul and all the wisdom that you acquired is non-existent. You are now empty. What if? That question will never haunt me again. I've learned that my pain is my pride because I've come through alive and better for it. Don't ever ask me that question. Being who I am I will tell you the truth and it won't be pretty. Be blessed with all you are and move forward with peace understanding that God had a plan all along. It may have been a plan you never understood but rest assured it was a plan that was way more than anything you could come up with on your own.
As for me, I will never trade who I am, all I have and all I know for the shot at an alternate universe. No, not me. Looking back, I know that God was with me every step of the way. He guided me at my best and helped me up at my worst. My life today is the product of His love and I would have it no other way.
Be blessed, be happy if you can but above all else...move ahead in peace...knowing all the while, you are all that you were meant to be...
Absinthe, I forgot what a friend she could be. As lovely and enlightening as a soft spoken mentor. As dreaded and fearful as the archest of enemies. She matches wit and style. She laughs slightly, imparting wisdom based on all you've seen and if you let her...she can even let it stick.
I watched a movie tonight. "Une Vieille Maitresse" is the only movie I have seen thus far that can in detail elaborate on what my mother once called "crazy love". Two people that create combustible energy when together. What is so interesting about the movie is that it, like this love itself, was uninteresting at first but held you captive at the end. Examining my own life, this is the only love I've truly ever known. In truth, looking back, I could find no "fairy tale". I never planned for anything. I never looked for this sign or the other. I just held on because love demanded it. Throughout doubt and tidal waves of emotion. Hatred, fire, lust and love. All fitting together. All having their due and way with us. A bit of "want" giving way to "need" where the here and now suffers like a junkie looking for the next fix. I've heard people fall in and out of love...something I could never understand. I dare say that humans seldom see the real depth of love and miss out on the bigger picture. Like looking at a masterpiece from afar and missing the lake and the mountains along side the lake. They focus in too squarely on the sun and miss everything else.
People please understand. Love is way more than good times, poetry and roses. It is way more than walks on the beach and the famed trip to Paris. No folks, it's tearing each other's clothes off in the middle of a heated argument. It's "longing"...even after it's over. Silence and distance can't make it go away. It is eternal. I get stumped when people ask me, "what's the perfect date?". The fact is...there is none. Yet before it all, connection is king. Like two mismatched puzzle pieces that don't fit no matter how hard you try, such are the two souls that won't connect. I can paint you a picture that will never happen. A picture that will make you swoon. I can tell you about the beach, champagne and rose petals. Horses and carriage rides that you see in movies. All those beautiful things you read in your romance novels but they may not be as real for you as to whom they were tailor-made for in the first place. I mean...this movie had a scene showing the two main characters making love next to the burning corpse of their daughter. Extreme as hell, but point well made.
To love me past rejection. To love me past hatred. To love me in death. To love me when I've irreparably wronged you...that's love. Not to say these things should happen to test love but this is life. It is chaotic and unpredictable. Life is a wave meant to overtake the soul and it's inconsistency makes it almost impossible to read. Yet real love remains constant when true and is able to overcome all that life throws at it. I know this now and knowing this makes me happy with all the decisions I made. I'm blessed to have married young. I am grateful to all arguments and failures for solidifying the truth of love when it came to my committed relationships.
Folks, I've been blessed to have had two serious relationships in my life and although both were different people...they were both tested, proved real. One seems to see this clearly and the other was never taught to understand this truth. I will not fault her nor will I condemn her for it...I will just keep loving her. One day it will click...
There are some people that completely act on instinct. They really don't see the shitstorm that follows their word or deed until they get too tired to continue. By then, alot of damage is done. I once penned a drunk email to someone that I could never take back but prayed to God that I could the next morning. Her response to me was "OK, well now I know how you really feel". The reality was that there was truth in that email but there was also a reckless, uncalled-for hate. It did not represent my true feelings and it did so much irreparable damage that I hated myself for it. It's very important to understand that on instinct, most responses are knee jerk. They are reflexive and indiscriminate. The reflex meant for only one thing; to hurt the opposing force. Your bullshit becomes intermingled with sense and both are taken to heart. On every occasion where there is need to simmer, you are always given the opportunity. Some people just keep pushing. Then they wonder why voices are raised. I'm starting to get numb...and I don't know if that's a good thing.
Please remember people; every one of these moments chip away at something. Sometimes you can get it back but most times...it's just too damn much...
You know it's bad when it get it's own blog entry...
Millie's cat just took the meanest shit. He's done it before but I could swear this one would win a fuckin prize. It smells worse than human shit. How something so onerous could come out of such a small body is beyond me. It's so bad I'm taking small breaths because I'm afraid to taste it.
OK...I'm goin in. If I don't post something tomorrow, please call the paramedics.
I'm gonna say something everyone needs to remember; Principles that change by the breeze that hit a man's balls or that tickle a woman's vagina have no place among the seasoned. Principals are foundations we are supposed to build upon. It is akin to building a home. Without a strong foundation, it is easy to bring down. I've seen too many arguments of principal start and end with an "appeased" and an "appeaser". The "appeaser" feels the need to do so because he cannot negate the truth of the argument. Although he knows the argument is true, he doesn't want anyone reminding him of it. It's like having an argument with your brother about taking food from another man's table. He insists there's nothing wrong with it because the amounts are so small, they are nary missed. You insist it's stealing plain and simple. He relents and begins to espouse the virtues of your argument as though they were his own. He puts on a neatly put together performance. Shit, there may even be tears...Academy award shit. He knows what you're saying is true but he don't give a shit...he wants what he wants. He just doesn't want to have to answer questions that he can't give straight faced answers to. Two weeks later, he's picking at the same table. A little more every day, watching you from the corner of his eye to see if you've stopped noticing all together. Hey, he made you happy right? Cooked you that meal? Got you them tickets? All is well right? Must be because he just complimented me on my last post. Fuck that...don't be stupid. You've just been played and all virtue you tried to instill has just been shit on. That's right...shit on.
You see, more times than not, the "appeased" enter into a comatose non-vigilant comfort zone where they trust the supposed change of heart is genuine. They think they made a break-through and forget that humans are mainly full of shit. Their pride has them believing they really made a difference and they wind up missing the little re-occurrences that are creeping towards full blown "fuck all we said" status. The appeasers, on the other hand, think themselves too clever for their own fuckin good. They think themselves too "nice". These motherfuckers marvel at themselves because they think themselves masters of obfuscation and manipulation...dumb fucks lol When people have attempted to turn me into the "appeased", I just wait and watch as though I see no re-occurrence. Without a word, I slowly change my vantage point altogether. I pull back until my emotional investment is nil and if they fuck up, the only people they wind up hurting...are themselves. The price of such a thing is steep though as it is the caring you had for that individual. It gets lost without emotional investment and without care, there is no reason to remain a presence. It sucks but it is the ONLY viable consequence. Folks, if they think you that stupid and inconsequential, then you have no business being in their lives to begin with. It's just the truth of things...harsh or not. With me, they either really change or I purposely shut off the spigot that keeps me giving a shit any longer. I use principals I know to "change my mind" at the root of things. After that, it's only a matter of time till I am just a passer-by in their lives. Watching their car go up in flames without batting a fucking eyelash. With all I have to offer, I find my word and energy too damn valuable to throw away on someone with nothing to show for it. Shit, isn't yours?
As a husband, I learned how to love, deal and care "specifically". As a parent, I learned how to love, deal and care "generally". Specifics take time and lots of energy to understand. All variables must be taken into account. Generalities are universal and are easier to see. The basics of man is seen when you pay close attention to your children. They are the foundation...the clear canvas that we, as parents, must begin to paint upon. So where do "the appeased" and "the appeaser" come from? It all comes from the immature instinct of "MINE!!!" The immature instincts that have us wanting to do whatever we fucking feel like doing without thought of consequence. Your children will cry and promise you they will never do it again. They will swear up and down that they have learned their lesson as you melt at their tears only to have them do the very same thing the next day. They study you like masters to see what they can get away with. You accept their multiple apologies until consequence is called for and action must be taken. This creates in the heart of the parent a general resistance to bullshit. You never take change seriously without concrete evidence and permanence. So let's get it clear; when I say "OK, glad we sorted that out", know that I really mean to say "alright then, let's see what you'll DO next". To break this down even further I need to go back to the deeper "message". To put this plainly: The "appeased" are the uninitiated naive while the "appeasers" are the immaturely selfish. Both unwilling to accept that neither have the right to manipulate the other. Both failures at communication.
So if you fit any of these categories, then try something new. To the "appeasers", try growing the fuck up and sticking to what you just stated was true. If you don't agree and have a strong enough argument based on fact...then fucking say so. If you say you agree in principal then prove it by agreeing in deed...permanently. To the "appeased", try growing a pair of balls and show some value to all you say you believe. Don't let someone shit on it by playing you or testing you to see how much you will allow before real consequence is met. This is how fucking doormats are made. Truth is, people will walk all over you if you let them. Especially if they feel you are standing in the way of what they want and those include people that activate the conscience of someone that has purposefully shut it off. People that shut off their conscience do so for a reason. It is a hindrance to getting all they want. They tear down that wall so they can say "I didn't think" after the fact. They will not hesitate. They will walk over you with spikes on their feet one day and fluffy fuckin sandals the next. If your logic is so sound that it jars their conscience and they are immature? Trust me people, THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. They will find ways to shut you off and that includes giving you just enough to make you believe you've gotten through. Don't you fall for it. Play the fool but never be the fool. Watch them and when they least expect it, give em the big "fuck you". Pull that rug out from under their feet and get the fuck outta dodge.
Wisdom allows you to keep calm in the face circumstantial evidence until all the facts are in. Too many people fly off the handle too fuckin fast. To be fair though, this is all too human. Sometimes we're willing to believe anything other than what would cause us to question ourselves. What does the premise of truth and evidence now cause me to ask?
How fucked up was I that I can't remember April?!?!
That sounds of perfection? That smacks of holiness?
It is the sound of "worth-ship". The sound of perfectly not understanding the truth of what is being sung perfectly. It is beautifully misguided...but sometimes, so long as not misplaced, it is most definitely called for.
So are all they that "see in part". They are not always "ready" or "ripe"...but they are always "available"...
They lay in waiting for greatness...and experience. They are the completely incomplete. Replete with all manner of frailty and strength. They stand when others sit and dance when others no longer hear a sound.
Damn, his teacher just told him that a piece he wrote will actually be taught this year in his English class. No one will ever know the pride I feel...DAMN!!!
The third grade was the first time I had an inkling of the writer I'd become. The school won an award I didn't know about till after they had won it. He is the Apple of my eye. I'm so proud it's unreal...
Psalm 51:5 "Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me"
This post is precipitated by a discussion I was having with my son about an accusation hurled my way...
"I'm too negative" LOL
Why? you may ask, can anyone try to pin such a label on me? It's simple, and my son, a young man of 18 had enough sense to answer this question with the clarity of a truth teller. I asked him, "Do you ever wonder why most things I say sound so negative?" His answer; "Because they're true" LOL
The basis of what I am about to explain is found in a little diddy written over 4000 years ago. Found today in what a few still revere as the Word of God or...The Bible. Basically saying; We humans ARE NOT basically good. We are born into shit...by shit. Now I know there are some that have attended "self help" courses that told them different but shit, is it really that hard to accept the truth of this? When I was born, I was a selfish prick. My only instinct was self-preservation. I didn't give two shits if my mother had to wake up early to work the following day...she better have my fuckin milk when I said so. The word "MINE!!!" is a famous staple in most homes where infants reside. You got me yet?
What we call "goodness" is a trait earned as we mature. In other words...we learn it to earn it. So when I make my own personal determination as to who or what I find has value, it's made taking into account how far it or they have come from the shit it or they started as. Everything that has merit in my eyes has either had a long road or is moving towards upward mobility along that road...to their own greatness. The problem I keep seeing today is that more and more people are in a state of stagnation because someone lied to them. Somebody done told them..."hey, way to go, you've made it". Bullshit. Take a look in the mirror. In order to believe that you have to ignore all you see. Check this; What is called "a man" today has a vagina the size of Florida. Not because they're "sensitive" (true sensitivity actually produces strength) but because they have lost the sense of nobility within the merits of "self-control". For those that don't know, "control" is the sign of a true man. Not the man that "controls" his woman. Not the man that by force "controls" his environment. Those are insecure piss-ants that constantly have something to prove. The mark of a child afraid his toys will be taken away. He constantly needs reminding that he can get anything he wants...including new toys lol No my people, the "control" that is THE most difficult to attain is the control of "self". The "self" that is a piece of shit. The "self" that doesn't give a shit about hurting someone else so long as "ego" is satiated by the bit of little feathers they can fluff at will. All meant to satisfy their need for relevance. All things I learned long ago...to be both fruitless and dead. To control this man and change him takes a tremendous amount of strength and self-denial. It is no easy task and is not for the weak at heart. Nine times out of ten, we begin wrong and conscientious maturity drives us right. You want more evidence I'm right?
Take at look at the funniest comedian. The more "critical" they are...the more successful. Not because critique is funny but because we know instinctively that the critique is true. Our laughter is more of an affirmation than anything else. How many times have you laughed and said "oh shit that's so true!!!" From the dirty to the raciest of truths...funny huh?
So where is the negativity in saying most things are shit? There is none. The realest people see the shit and move on. They surround themselves with things and people of value...however little there may be. The shit they see in themselves is acknowledged and dealt with which by extension creates a mature understanding of even the worst of the worst. Does that make them perfect? Shit just the opposite lol It's this acknowledgement that allows them to improve. If you've made it already...then what the fuck are you doing bettering yourself? There is nothing to better!!! And then you woke up lol
A long time ago I learned that my rose-colored glasses are best left to the nuance of art because when worn out in what we've termed the "real world", I find I run into too many fuckin walls and that is something I've tried to balance in my sons. My boys are the most laid back, practical young men I have ever known. They are proudly two of the realest people I know. They see what is real and discard the shit to find the merit. "Balance" as is environmentally required needs open eyes. I thank God they have them.
I guess I'm a dreamer My heart is gold I had to run away high So I wouldn't come home low Just when things went right Didn't mean they were always wrong Just take this song And you'll never feel left all alone Take me to your... heart Feel me in your.... bones Just one more night And I'm coming off this long and winding road... I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home I guess that I seem To make romantic dreams Up in lights Fallin' off the silver screen My heart's like an open book For the whole world to read Sometimes nothing... keeps me Together at the seams I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home I'm on my way I'm on my way Home... It's a bittersweet symphony, This life. Just tryin' to make ends meet. You'r a slave to the money, Then you die. There's no change... I can't change, I can't change, I can't change. But I'm here in my mind I'm here in my mind I'm a million different people From one day to the next I can't change my mind No, no, no I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home I'm on my way I'm on my way Home sweet home I'm on my way I'm on my way Home...
Sometimes, you can look across a well lit valley and see points of darkness no one else can. Pitfalls and creepers that blend nicely into their environments are "seemingly" revealed only to you. You see, it's not so much that others can't see what has been "supposedly" hidden from them. It's just that after living in this environment for so long, your eyes have acclimated and adapted to see these things clearly, without assistance. Sure, you can point them out but because it takes a bit of work for others to see them, most just walk away and remain "intentionally naive". You see they know something.
They understand that the acknowledgment of what they see will require something from them. A requirement that will add a new task to their day. They understand that they will now have to take "the long way around" as opposed to the shortcut they've grown accustomed to. Adding more work to their own set of "rules of the road". I can easily use the process of "self-improvement" as an example. One of my most precious en-devours lol Most people today live in a world where they believe "acceptance" is a finite determination not needing any further action. It's a painfully lazy mindset producing an abundance of what I like to call "adult children". Them 40 yr old mother fuckers that still live with their parents. A telltale sign is that they seem to have the uncanny ability to hold onto the twin sized Star Wars bed sheets from their childhood. You see, they happily never seem to really mature. I sigh a big sigh people. Lookey here now...accepting the worst in yourself only means that now you are aware of what you need to work on. It does not mean that your shit becomes standard issue. If you find shit on your shirt, you gonna wear it all day?...or are you gonna find yourself another shirt? I accept that I'm fucked up in my own ways but that does not mean that I'm fine with it. I just know what ails me now and why. I know that treatment may be slow going but so long as I am actively "working out" my issue, it loses it's weight around my neck and it's power lessens over time.
Is this process something of a burden? Without question...but real growth and maturity is never truly linear. Lessons can come at you side-ways. Some of them you even miss. In my youth I knew very little and the little I knew kept me care-free because not much was required of me. I was happily naive. Yet as I grew in knowledge and acceptance of a world most couldn't see...much more was added into my world to safe-guard against. I knew what needed to be done to keep my world safe and healthy. I put out little fires I knew had the determination of becoming infernos. I melted every fuckin snowball I knew would produce an avalanche. I patched every tiny fissure meant to sink my ship...the internal as well as those outside of me. Yeah, it was difficult at first but the benefits soon outweighed the burdens. To be able to see what a man or woman will do three steps before they even think of it is priceless. It's like a game of chess...that you just can't lose.
You play everyday. You get really good at it. You see where the different variables produce specific outcomes that you instinctively now use to your advantage. Even when you're supposedly being "played" by people that think themselves a little too cute by half, you now find it amusing and insulting at the same time as you watch it all play out...just as you knew it would. All because you have decided to accept this new talent...this new power. Something that now needs tending. Something that now requires a bit more from you. The more you tend to it, the more instinctive it all becomes. It becomes so much a part of you, it loses it's own burden. Some people get tired of it's upkeep so they drop it's acknowledgment all together. Thinking they can revert to being as "care-free" as they were in their youth. I'm here to tell you...fat fuckin chance lol I tried that and found myself lying more times than not...to myself. I have come to accept that I cannot "un-know" what I "know" without feigning foolishness. It just doesn't work. I understand the instinct to "revert" to what you were before after a seemingly life changing event but who you've become after said event is something you cannot undo. If you're a parent in a divorce. Guess what, you're still a fuckin parent. You don't turn 18 just cause you single now. Trust me, to my own shame, I know what I'm talking about lol You think it's time to throw the baby out with the bathwater? No, no and fuck no!!! You do your best to throw out the bad and retain the good. And guess what? ALL that maturity and wisdom and tempered grace you picked up throughout your journey...is good. So people, as easy as it is to accept our faults, we must accept our gifts. I learn daily that they better us and are worthy of our time. They are worthy of our labor. If you are holding something special in your hand then nine times out of ten the hand that's holding this "special thing" is just as special. Keep all this in mind the next time you see something others can't...
One last thing, and it's a reveal...
Usually, you keep all you see hidden and wait for certain outcomes. Other times though, you find cause to reveal what you see. Most times, you can even save a life...
Isn't it funny how some people get in the passenger seat of a long drive and never really bother to look outside the window. Just to look...to take in every bit of their beautiful surroundings and gauge just how different their moment makes them feel outside of all they're used to. Not better or worse...just different. How you react internally in such occasion is telling.
What do you find beautiful? Scary? Or maybe something you saw made you uncomfortable? It's like testing your threshold for pain or pleasure. It says more about you than the moments stimuli. It can reveal what you really can handle and all you can't. What you really love and all you can do without. To get lost in the moment is the gift of the fool but the fool doesn't have to be stupid. He can still learn. He keeps his eyes open...looking inward, eventually finding his way outward.
My journey is far from over but the moment has me in a state of calm. Where new rules actually begin to make sense and old rules that stand the test of circumstance are rewritten to remain relevant. Where moving forward is way more important than how long it takes to get there and where I am better daily. So is my place...so is my heart. All I have ever known becomes settled law in the heart of me. Reinforced by change and ever strengthened by the beauty of the barn I just saw outside my window.
And so I take my place among those that have held on to all they knew was true. In the midst of "contrary to the fact" circumstantial evidence, I wait patiently for more...and I gladly receive. Tonight I am grateful for my losses because I have gained a better understanding of who I really am and all I really want. I just want to be at peace on my ride...and I know I will be. You too ;-)
My driver just turned to me with a smile and said "see...I told you so"...
My email has been hacked for about two weeks now and I could give a shit. I feel accomplished when I know I have enemies for all the right reasons. Thankfully, they won't find shit in there. I'm way too smart for that. I just hope everyone I love is OK out there. I'll get it back and see if any damage is done soon.
Yet in this ultimate disconnect, there is nothing...just me and my monkey.
He constantly has his finger on his mouth as if to say..."Shut up about everything, you've said too damn much as it is" Shit if he ain't right...fuck lol
To both my credit and shame, I have always been a man to lead by example. To "go first" as it were. I learned early on in life that if you want anything in life or love, you have to prove your willingness to give that very thing first. I've learned this to be true by trial of fire. Why fire? Because to hold onto such a notion required me to feel the pains of utter disappointment time and time again that I may see the worth in the prize once given. To receive after you have given is priceless. It has indescribable value because there is no feeling to which it can compare. Those that have it?...cherish it, nurture it...water it. Those that don't? Seek nothing less...
Shit...my monkey can talk all the shit he wants yet he's as transparent as a ghost. He hangs onto my back in plain view. He dances and sings for attention. He wears a stupid little vest to be seen and loved by all the little children. He plays loudly to be heard while feigning a desire for privacy. He loves to be loved. What a fucking asshole lol
And for those of you out there thinking I'm being "a little too cute by half", no, my monkey and I are not one in the same. Every one of us own a few ;-)
So yeah, he may be an asshole, but a transparent asshole he will always remain...
"When there is no one left to define you...you inherit the duty of defining yourself"
They have always been able to drown out my internal light...leaving me in darkness. Leaving me in a place where the external becomes paramount and self gratification stands in the place where self improvement used to be. I might sleep for a minute but you best believe I will be waking up...wide eyed. So without fanfare or "pomp and circumstance", I improve daily. Arriving closer to my goal...inch by inch and step by step. While all may ask "what happened to him?", I silently improve. Leaving all speculation to the speculators. Allowing my internal light to shine even brighter within my closet of solace.
My people, I don't need your praise or accolades. I don't need your worship or adoration. I just require the truth of you that I may know where to place my affections. I am more than content to receive your transparency than to constantly have to contend among doubt. The next time you see me, I just want to able to say in truth..."do you see me? I can see you too"...
