If It Could Be Known...

"i don't get it...he's supposed to be dangerous but all he does is read poetry all day..."

How tempting it has been to become the *sshole even the best of us seem to now gravitate to. How easy it would be to take what I wanted...so freely given these days to anyone with a good enough rap. If it was known what comes to me that I've denied myself for the sake of conscience & honor. Things I say to no one but my Lord lest anyone should think me arrogant as some already have in the sharing of my experiences. Folks, what would entice a priest gets a yawn from me when nothing else is there...& I'm seeing it more & more. Even the best of us are succumbing to this emptiness. Looking for validation from rocks & sand or to outpace any semblance of loneliness. I just can't do it...I'm just not made that way. So damn ordinary...so damn easy to sway...to control. 

Some folks are even seeing my struggles in dreams & in one it was said "leave him...you don't know what he's dealing with". They saw me homeless in the middle of the ocean...& it's actually how I feel. In other words "water, water everywhere & not a drop to drink". Alas, I am not drowning in sorrow nor am I in some contemplative grief. I have much greater things to fight worrying about but it's to the point that I just don't care anymore & this has become just another "matter of fact". Give me a reason to try & I will. Give me nothing, as much as I want or love you...oh well. As of this writing, it's how I feel & as I usually do...I'm chronicling this so that when I come through this one with the right lesson, I will never forget what it took to get there...& you as usual, can see it all. Now some may see this as a step to abandoning all the good pieces of me I'm known for but no...this is a much needed, ongoing refining process of EVERY part of me. Taking what is good...wanting to meet it's worth to allow for even greater & ALL that takes a clearer perspective. An acknowledgement of certain evolving truths that require evolved resolutions. Grow or slowly die folks....it's up to you. Now...a quick note of truth...

There are many that I speak to or that may read this & claim to understand what I'm talking about but trust me when I tell you that 99.9% of the people I've spoken that claimed they "knew"? Didn't...until they actually "knew". Once you cross that threshold of more than simple goosebumps & tickles in your stomach...butterflies & the ootsy cutsies (which are necessary beginnings btw). When you enter into a true connection's intimacy that organically extends into coupling sessions that have you ecstatically saying "what the f*ck is this?"...some of the experiences you thought the most mind blowing are then downgraded to where they actually belong & it's like entering into a larger world where you are now...small & a bit more awakened to certain realities that will have you questioning your past experiences. Which is why I say..."it's not for everyone". If you think that f*cking and making love is the same thing...I now suggest you keep believing that. I used to suggest otherwise but trust me, I think you're better off believing all fish are the same & that what's "good"...is good enough for you. I honestly don't think this age is of the "spirit" to find out otherwise anymore & I honestly...no longer care as I once did. I'm just as blessed either way...

That is to say that of all the ordinary, I am blessed to have met the extra-ordinary...the "better than me's". Some don't believe they are who I know them to be because of their past mistakes & others may accept their place among the greats but just haven't come to fully embrace it yet. In either case they DO still exist & what I've come to see is that among the hordes of empty...we still tend to find each other. You just have to weed out the fakes past your "boxes", checklists & "feels" & you'll know over time. You'll come to understand that a queen that has tasted true royalty will always face the difference between a good lookin chair...& a throne. May that be for you a comforting parting thought from me my beautiful people. Lord keep them from this age...with...or without me.

"Know Thyself"...I'm out...

~moses apollo    

Flawless...

"like a phoenix rising from the dust

i've come to lift you up..."

...is beauty in the eyes of the beholder. yet ironically enough, the greatest of beauty's virtues is the acceptance of flaws that as yet persist on an endless road towards flawlessness...knowing it will never reach its goal but finding the journey worthy of travail nonetheless. it seeks to become all that it truly is at heart...whose image would ultimately be reflected in the mirror of truth. it's how i choose to live...so it is how i also, choose to love. the superficial will see a woman of quality's stretch marks, cellulite or surgical scarring as an imperfection...i see what they represent. they tell the story of how she "became". what she came through and why my inner pangs go justified at depth. to want to give her at the very least a piece of me she will never receive elsewhere. not for ego, not to claim ground but because i see in her something my father said should always be loved right..."a good woman". i want all she is because she is a work of art created by God Himself. like a sculpture carved out of stone...brought through fire and rain to live and love again. with every iteration adding a forged explosive passion just waiting to erupt. granted as a gift to those that overcome but only accessible to those that "see it"...because to see it, is to appreciate it and to appreciate it...is to aid in its release. to want to protect it...to want to love it without possession. holding care never to snuff out it's ability to grow beyond itself or even oneself...even when it hurts like mad to do so. all true...but i want truer still...

my beautiful people, these are not just words to me...i live this out to the best of my ability and i share this with you not to tell you how great i am but to proclaim that even in this, as far along as i believe myself to be...i still have a long way to go. keep to this at heart...that intention is truth. i can go through the motions and do everything right but my "why" will always reveal itself in time and sometimes that "why" is not what you assumed the action taken represented. to be "real" is not to simply take ownership of your actions...but it is the ability to acknowledge your truest intent and adjust accordingly. all i write on this blog is the realest i can be but it is never the end of all i will become. i am everything i say i am but by no means does this mean i am "done" becoming more. not as an obsession...but as simply a way of life. maybe there are tweaks to what you've grown to believe you need to make. to better your road and become even clearer on your perspective. never abandoning the tried and true but knowing that SOME things can be explored deeper to expand upon or even...to let go of. to re-examine your road using new lenses added by experience to finally see the piece of glass you never knew you missed. to understand what is it about this one or that one that really drew you in. as a silly example, i recently found out that i became enamored by someone years ago when she simply showed an audacity of interest by recording herself singing "happy birthday" to me. she trusted that i would not judge the singing but hoped i would pick up on the intent...i did. she also sang it well btw...just sayin. now i had many reasons to be enamored but after introspection...i found this little nugget of truth inside. why is that important? that intent produced a birthing of something. a "something" i easily loss sight of over time. a "something" that needed a reference point for context. context that connected dots i didn't even know needed connecting. 

so my word to you is this: examine yourselves...truly. are you who you really want to be? are you trying to get there? you can always be better than you are and some of you are still fighting the need to become more because you value your comfort over your own growth. now you know how folks say "follow the money"? follow your intent...shake that tree. stay blessed my beautiful people. i'm out... 

no matter what you've been taught, always remember this: words pierce the soul and can speak to the spirit. actions can appease the mind and the heart but intention remains the root of all that's said and done. 

~moses

Dangerous...

"when your fear is currency

and you feel that urgency

you want peace but there's war in your head

maybe that's where life is born

when our façades are torn

pain gives birth to the promise ahead..."

...is the seasoned man housed in a body that only improves with age. instead of laughing at time, he laughs with it since it seems they have become friends. the man sought terms in his new iteration as solid are becoming his ways. after a time of needed introspective growth, a few rooms in his heart close to make room for others/more important things and then there are less than a handful of rooms...expanded not by choice...but because his heart said so. his mind as yet to fully accept it but it's come to trust his heart in this matter. one room is meant to house a love so intense...it's time in absentia has become a deliberate safeguard. a safeguard against frustration, pain and the fear it will be too much to contain. the thought of its loss became so heavy that even the mention of a kiss could induce the fear of an indelible stain and a night of intimacy...the dread of a permanent scar. he says nothing...but he knows. he's seen it over time. the problem is that some safeguards take hold and what was meant to be temporary...becomes too "set in" to undo. something he has no control of as all he can do is stay true to who and what he is becoming. 

"i live, i love, i live...i grow...i love still..."

and in every iteration...there's still...you. i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS: SO SO GRATEFUL...

This Road...

 

"there's no time for us...there's no place for us

what is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us? 

who wants to live forever?..."

...is very long...

till next time...

~moses apollo