What Fear...

"Some believe that to admit a fear empowers it. I believe that to admit a fear empowers me to face it...I have no other choice..."

I always liked the idea of being the man that raised kings and queens.  Behind the scenes was good enough for me.  I came to despise the spotlight when I have tasted it on a few occasions.  The demand to one's time and the loss of anonymity scares a man like me to the point of stagnation because I know what it means.  The spotlight is taken for granted by too many that don't understand it's power and its purpose.  You see, it's not there to show the world how wonderful you are.  It's only there to show the world your hands...and where they are pointing as they should be pointing outward towards something bigger and better than you.  Some want to stop at you.  Some want to soak in that light when it's really your job to move them along to more.  I've always feared that burden.  A family member I love challenged me on it and for the first time...it left a dent.  

Maybe it's time to just suck it up and do what I was meant to do...in whatever form it takes.  If that's you too...well I suppose it's your time as well.  Good night and God bless...

~Moses Apollo

Pillars - A Poem by Moe

"...I want to rise today...and change this world..."

so long did pillars stand

in place to hold the rest

as such they did command

what should be deemed the best

but men soon found the way

to silence pillars voice

plots quickened by the day

soon stealing pillars choice

until the day drew near

when pillars were defaced

the plotters grew to fear

what could not be replaced

without what held them high

they'd not survive the fall

so held they to their lie

till pillars heard the call

the pillars voice grew loud

to claim what rights they owned

they found they held the crowd

that deemed them once disowned

so once again they stand

in place to hold the rest

renewed, they now command

for all...what's deemed the best

~Moses Apollo

Sinner Sainted Born - A Poem by Moe

"...who's the hardest..."

what sinner sainted born

for pain and pleasure scars

days and nights went torn

like dark beneath the stars

till sane displayed insane

a troubled life at ease

destroyed pretentious chain

as truth became his keys

so judging find him odd

his faces share one mind

a light that drew the flawed

towards truth of every kind

~Moses Apollo

Unbridled - A Poem by Moe

"she's so...heavy"

what substance cures the empty hand

that satiates the needful hold

that doesn't break like sifting sand

and tender rests unbought or sold

for meanings gaze that quickens flame

I've searched my soulish lost and found

from heart to flesh in beauty's frame

still meanings thirst has kept me bound

I pray my flame go unexpired 

and kept in me unbridled zeal

still let me breathe all breath inspired

let not my thirst submit to kneel

~Moses Apollo

The Setting Son - A Poem by Moe

"Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona nobis pacem"

what sainted fate doth call to me

with all I've known now set

expected dreams unfurled now free

have sailed without regret

mine eyes have bathed in loving grace 

as life sets forth reborn 

with beating heart I'll love the face

that rests in me untorn 

for meaning now doth tend my soul

to meet all I've become

to grow and face released control

of all that kept me numb

that grace and love should bear me hence

with now untethered strings

to seek and find all recompense

in portals set for kings

~Moses Apollo

Recollections...

"...this is my kingdom come..."

I was born and raised as a young man in a spanish Pentecostal environment.  My mother held church in our Dyckman Street apt almost 3 times a week.  I knew righteousness and sin with nothing in between and there was no "being human" as that too was considered sinful.  As time went on, I grew into the ministry but decided to marry at 18 for passion and in two years time, I came to raise a beautiful family.  It was a 17 year odyssey that revealed the hidden man I never really explored.  I became a man, a husband and a father.  Titles that required honor, integrity and fidelity.  In this period, God graced me to understand my humanity.  After 17 years, my wife and I amicably divorced and in due course, I came to understand my flesh in all its extremes.  I sought out debauchery in excess.  I became the cliched poet.  Going so far into vice that it almost claimed my very life. Although my years of this particular exploration were short...their impact remains as does everything else.

I only share this history to let you know how extreme my pendulum swung until I found my center. That zone where all of me is understood to have a purpose.  It was here that I understood grace.  It was here that I found the best in me in places I'd never think to look.  As a young man, I learned about my spirit.  As a family man, I grew into my soul and as a free man...I came to understand my flesh.  Now, here at my center...I'm just me.  The whole of me that sees what God sees in me affording me the understanding that both light and dark...have their grey.  I can do a good deed for the sake of pride and I can do an evil that I've calculated will lead to good.  All decisions led by conscience.

A truism I could never understand as a pious boy reading about the sins of our biblical patriarchs.  It took a lifetime for me to understand that internal struggles are always decided by split decisions of the heart. Whose influence will your soul accept in an argument?  Will you choose rage or forgiveness?  Or will you take a bit of both and decide to allow yourself to be angry...but quietly understand why?  In all cases...it's human and it's fine. You will grow in either case so long as you come to understand the consequence of each.

Understanding the whole of you...towards the letting go of shame.  Some might say that shame is essential for change but looking back on my life and the life of others...I found that to be a lie.  When one is ashamed, the guilt alone can stifle them as they will spend all their time either hiding what they've done or flagellating themselves until they bleed with nothing but broken skin to show for it. There is no real lesson in shame...there is only the acquired fear of being discovered as it is not solely based in truth.  No...it is primarily based on accusation.  It's the pointed finger whose objective is control.  Conviction on the other hand needs no finger but your own.  It does not control nor does it need to be hidden as there is no guilt.  Conviction simply lets you know where you went wrong based on what you know to be right and all it requires is a course correction derived from the lessons learned.  A process that produces real growth and real change based on an internal compass we call "conscience".  Shame will keep a man crying for absolution from his accusers.  Conviction will show the man what he did wrong with a real desire for change as his absolution is found in that change. We will never reach perfection but its pursuit is not in vain as it is in this pursuit that we find ourselves becoming better everyday.

Consider all that speak about the evils of our nation's past and what judgements are required.  I'll use slavery as an example.  The undeniable truth is that it was conviction that had the people of this great land fight a civil war where countless lives paid the price to end the scourge of slavery.  Regrettably today, it is shame triggered by the pointed finger from those that have something to gain by way of control that keeps it mired in senseless debate.  Yeah...I added this bit to get to this:

With all that I have learned about myself, I treat my land like a lover needing understanding after a mistake.  She's apologized and I accept that she's learned from her error.  I know she's a good enough woman still deserving of love. So I endeavor to show her love and support that she may know that a mistake is not exclusive to her because I too have failed.  I accept that it's time to grow together in what we now know to be true about each other...because I love her.  Folks, we've all made mistakes...as individuals and as a nation.  As a nation, we've worked through our conviction and came to absolution by the progress we've made.  Anyone says any different...don't listen.  They just want to control you...don't let them.  As an individual, if you carry guilt on your back, allow conviction to work itself through.  It might require you to ask for forgiveness.  It may even require you to make amends.  Do all you need to once and for all and let it go.  Step forward...move on and live life...I'm out

Oh and lest I forget: The name given to satan...is "the accuser"...

~Moses Apollo

The Purposed Soul...

"...when I look at the stars...I feel like myself..."

How many times have you heard it..."there's something special about you".  How many times have you dismissed it until you saw it for yourself?  On this day a man I know was told by a self-professed "clairvoyant" that has apparently been "watching him" for years that she sees a halo around his head.  It didn't inspire confidence that she had the smell of alcohol on her breath or that she told his ex that she was so good at fucking that she would "fuck herself if she could".  That's a quote folks.  Now it sounds funny but he's heard it several times in his life from both the sane and those some might consider "insane".  The sane are more careful with it because they calculate reactions whereas the "insane" or impaired just don't care.  Still...what exactly does it all mean?

I can tell you one thing.  The more he heard it, the greater the weight of it all was felt.  You see, he knew what it really meant but he reluctantly came to embrace it.  Now in embracing it, did he deem himself "special"?  Did all this mean that he was greater or better than us?  Short answer is...hell no.  The hard truth of it all was quite the opposite as it actually means that he was made to serve.  To "serve" folks.  Not to be given some title that means nothing.  Not to Lord over another.  Not to seek praise or accolades for his supposed "halo" or "crown".  I marvel at men who carry the title of minister as though it was some sort of badge of honor due respect when the literal translation of minister is "servant".  Even those called to the greatest office must understand this if they are to be truly effective.  Understanding that if the greatest Servant that ever lived is to be an example then they that are called are nothing more than what an important moment in time calls them to be.  Nothing more...nothing less.  Understanding this reality requires brutal honesty and that doesn't mean a virtue signalling false humility.  False humility forces one to artificially minimize their strengths.  True humility acknowledges one's strength but accepts their place in line with gratitude.  For the purpose soul...this is paramount.  Allow me to explain...  

Folks, every purposed soul I've known has a message and they came to find that message in the story of their lives.  A brutally honest panoramic view of all the lessons learned that God has used to carve out the soul they house today.  They found that message inside and once they did they began to hear and speak in the voice needed that correlated to that message.  It could be in speech, in song, in writing or it can even manifest itself in the simplest deed.  As a believer, God facilitates this by allowing one to find their strengths.  Although not the sort one would imagine.  We often think of strengths in terms of obvious talents and sometimes this will be the case but there are in fact...greater strengths.  Strengths tailored to both the message and the voice.  Strengths that become clearer through one's personalized experience and once all this is flowing as it should, all that will be of consequence is that you did as you felt you should.  You heeded the pull and that is all that will truly matter...

I've known great orators that mimicked those that have inspired them until the truth of who they were found the speech patterns coinciding with their message.  I've known singers that sounded just like their idols but fell short until they found the singular voice that flowed from their spirit and I've known poets to emulate their favorites until they found the rhythm they needed to convey the passion in the phrase.  They came to understand the most important element.  That the listener or audience was less important than what they had to say because if they were truly "purposed", they understood to trust what was inside as opposed to what anyone thought of how or what they were saying.  They just "knew" it was for the listener as much as it was meant...for themselves.  I look at Dylan, The Beatles, The Doors...all artists that wrote music never meant to be commercial but somehow made it to the hearts they were meant to touch because they decided to express their brutal truth.  You'all gettin how this works yet?  The purposed are given...to give.  Yet they can only give...what they've been given.  Sounds Buddhalicious but you get what I'm saying.  Imagine all you could do trusting what God has graced you with.  To express in creativity or in daily life what you have been set aside to give.  All the greats broke the designated rules to "success" because success was never their aim.  They just knew to express their truth and for the purposed soul...that is everything.  For all that we carry that was once for our benefit, is now meant to benefit another.  I mean damn...isn't that why we're here?  I think so...much love

~Moses Apollo

The Third Tower - A Poem by Moe

"...can I get a witness..."

come look at all my lovely sheep

controlled by hatreds hungry keep

reciting whispered tales of dread

I churn them till my foes are dead

for I conflate what's right with sin

I force and stir their rage within

till all these souls are laid to waste

and I've deprived them freedom's taste

and I care not whose death comes first

so long as I have quenched my thirst

for blood and war with damage done

I'll be what's left, the chosen one

these worry not on what is real

their truth is based on what they feel

and if they choose to take the sword

well it's ok, they've been ignored 

I've fed them all that justifies

the use of force through subtle lies

I've trained them young to mold their mind

though truth abounds, rage keeps them blind

that they should never see the strings

I've fixed on them in place of wings

and when I beckon fateful hour

I'll be just fine within my tower

~Moses Apollo 

Markers - A Poem by Moe

"...I'm permanent..."

dear brother sister lover friend

I know it's been too long

though time and distance may contend

take heart our bond is strong

inside I've left a room for you

by heart inspired design

that I should never be untrue

to all you said was mine

in trial I hide among the crowd

as just another face

but you can tell beneath this shroud

that I am still in place

though fate may further east from west

my center's always true

for markers left assure my best

is always there for you

~Moses Apollo

Kingdom Road - A Poem by Moe

"...Father has spoken..."

for my boys...

I pray you set your eyes

upon the greater things

beyond triumphant sighs

that praise and glory brings

walk road to win with zeal 

but see the ordered move

for footprints do reveal 

what life must now reprove 

for journeys are replete

with truth in gaining ground

and greatness meets the feet

before the head is crowned

~Moses Apollo