Vanity...

Ecclesiastes 2:17

Therefore I hated life; because the work that is worked under the sun is grievous to me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit.

Isn't that something?  The man God gifted with His wisdom says he came to hate life because ALL under the sun...is vanity.  This is the ultimate truth.  It may seem bleak but the truth is the truth.  Everyone has an angle.  Everyone has an agenda.  Most of the pure in heart are old because life has taught them that the only thing that has any value is found in what God has you do for others...yet wisely so.

We say we work out for health reasons.  Bullsh*t, it's because we want to look good to be seen so we can feel better about ourselves.  We say we want money to help our families.  Bullsh*t, it's because we want to live comfortably and not be bothered by the everyday mundane humdrum of life.  We equate happiness with self-gratification...vanity.  Things that are temporal...things that make us feel good now but mean absolutely nothing once we are dead and buried.  I was at a funeral last night and my old pastor preached a message about how empty these things are.  He marveled at how much his wife toiled with flowers that will wither and die in a few days.  He looked out over the crowd of people that were saddened by their loss and saw the eternal planting within every heart that was there.  This man will live forever because he saw the value in investing into his family and friends something more than just "things".  He gave them his love and attention.  More so he gave them himself.  Not for anything back...not to feel good about himself or to be seen as great among his peers.  I'm sure this man, like David, asked for a "pure heart"...a genuine heart.  His testimony for granted request was the family he left behind.

The seasons will come and go.  What we obtain is washed away through seasonal change.  Emotions shift...bodies devolve.  Perspectives are ever changing by all these shifts.  Stability is now a struggle akin to going against the tide at every turn.  The question for today is "Where are the stable minded?"  Throughout time the wise have asked this very question and could seldom count the many they knew on two hands.  Who are the strong that do not change?  Not stubbornly so, but those that stand fixed on stone that isn't moved by seasonal change.  The things that actually outlive them...the things that actually matter.  Sadly, that is a generation that is dying off everyday.

There are so many things we do in life that are worthless yet we do them because we need to keep pace with the winds.  Some winds do damage to ourselves and others.  Some winds don't do anything but allow us to live well for the moment and yet some winds we sail actually outlive us carrying our name through generations.  I am among the vain as I am a man that has to live in this world but so long as I am aware that some things I do are worthless, I can decide to identify and do the things that have meaning beyond myself.  Some people think why do this or that since all is vanity?  We have to live people.  We live in this vain existence for one purpose...to be able to serve.  Plant your flowers...just once and awhile, plant one for someone that will do nothing for you.  Work out and get beautiful...just once and a while, slip in some training advice unseen.  Make your money...just once and awhile, give it out anonymously.  What you do in secret, God will reward openly...that goes in either direction folks.  The irony of that last sentence is...that is just as vain lol 

I want to live life, thus my vanity will continue.  Yet knowing this, I will sail as best I can on winds that are eternal and stand on such even if the seasonal winds try their best to move me.  I'm out...

It's One Of Those Days...

My day begins with the news that my Godson is in the hospital.  He is now being watched as I type this and we are thankful to God for the miracle of healing.  He is ever gracious and merciful.  Yet within this day, I was reminded about something.  I was reminded of who I was in another realm.  Those with ears to hear will understand and those without...well...

In the hour's nap that I had when I came back home...I dreamt.  I had a dream that included people that today, I want to forget.  I was in a dingy spanish bar and someone came looking for me wondering how I could be so comfortable in such a place.  This person knew me before as one that would never belong in such an environment.  They knew me as someone whose presence was palpable from miles away...as someone and something else.  To relay this to my current state is to reveal that I have decided to become something less so that certain things could happen for me and the ones I care about.  This day has me questioning the wisdom of such a move.  I know that great man is still there...yet purposely buried.  I just worry that in my state I will forget about him altogether.

You see, unlike most, I know who and what I am.  I don't feel the need to "find myself" anymore.  As humans we go through revolution and evolution.  I am one that normally evolves within who I am and that is a process I have halted for my own reasons and purpose.  Parts of me still grow while others are placed on hold...creating an imbalance.  Yet, I can feel that man holistically starving now.  From that whole man flows my passion and conviction.  From that whole man flows a blood that has meaning, purpose and direction.  Yet from that man also flows a forgiveness and a love that has me in fear.  A forgiveness and a love that I subconsciously blame for most of my current hurt.  I gave that out in earnest believing it should be rewarded.  It came back empty and harsh.  As I type this I am wondering if my fear of getting hurt again has me in a state of self-inflicted indifference.  A state that allows me to say "f*ck you" to love and all manner of closeness.  Yeah, it works...but at what cost...

I guess my wounds are affecting more than even I had imagined.  Folks this aint self pity.  You are watching me from the inside out.  I share all this with you because I know someone else is going through the very same thing and I need them to feel my hand holding theirs.  There will come a day when all this has passed but so long as this blog is up, you will always know that someone can and does relate to you.  You're not crazy and there is no need to dispair.  You are living.  As I go through it with you...you go through it with me.  Fight with me and I with you so in the end we can "say so" together...  

On a side note...after spending time with my God-daughter Hillary,  I know I would love to have a little girl of my own some day...hey, you never know... 

It Is True...

"Every man dies...but not every man truly lives"

Almost everyone I know remembers this line from the movie "Braveheart".  William Wallace utters these famous words just as he is about to face death.  He would not plead for his life.  He knew that if he did that, he would be declaring himself a slave to a king unworthy of allegiance.  He died a free man.  He died...living.

I wonder how many of us are slaves to something we can't beat.  An internal bondage very few know about.  We coddle it, we take it to therapy...we give it "time".  We give it power.  Instead of ending what binds us, we plead for it's end.  Sometimes it is in fact as easy as saying "no" or "no more".  I want to live life without restraint...not for malice but real freedom.  Freedom that allows me to sit still for days on end if I choose to.  That is real freedom.  Try to sit still for 5 minutes...what binds you will become apparent quite quickly...

One day, I will truly live...

Hmmm...

Well, I was thinking about what it would be like to chronicle the goings on in the mind of a love sick fool.  I think now, looking back, I can answer that...

The first time you find out she not only lied to you, but took you for a fool by storytelling to make the lie seem plausible...you think to yourself, "Well, it's early...and we really don't know each other that well yet so...Ok"  The second time you find out she's hiding messages, that if sent by you to someone of the opposite sex, you know you'd be up sh*ts creek.  You confront her and she profusely apologizes telling you nothing happened, that it was just words.  You back off because she seems sincere..."Ok"  The third time you find out that while she's away, she is becoming sweet on a particular "co-worker".  Opportunistically pursuing an "I couldn't help myself" moment.  Damn, even pushing him in that direction and lying to you about certain moments she knows would prove your theory right.  You say that's it, she writes some emails about changing her habits because she doesn't want to lose you and you...still seeing red, say..."Ok"  You think the bullsh*t is over and all the while your love grows but here yet again, we have the same co-worker test creep up and instead of easily dismissing it...she fails by trying to create yet another moment.  She now tells you she has a problem.  She now relates it to childhood issues.  She needs work...she needs help.  How can you abandon such a broken creature?  You love her too damn much!!!  So you say..."Ok" 

A couple of months of peace roll by and she has yet another job to go to.  You find out about yet another co-worker.  You find out that she lied to you about communicating with him past working hours and she says "I lied because I knew you would be mad".  At this point...you are finished.  Your faith in her is now exhausted.  You are tired and weary from these episodes....your heart has all but given up.  You have done everything to prove your love.  You take journeys no one else would take because your love tells you that she is worth it.  You wear it on your sleeve.  You make sacrifices that you still pay for today and you see very little in return.  You are now finished and you end it...yet the fumes of your love still linger and you fight all manner of sense to believe that all you held on for should not end this way.  And a few hours later you say..."Ok"  You look at all your faults and begin to equivocate.  You make excuses for everything done to you.  You think back at the times you spoke to her like a child and feel bad even though she lied like a two year old with excuses that included the phrase..."I didn't know".  On fumes of love you now say..."Ok"

Then come the revelations.  Some things so big that they truly put your love and understanding to the test.  One by one she tells you how she lied about this or that and you want to crawl under a rock and hide but you can't because you have invested into this heart...your soul.  You cannot see it go to waste.  God, your instincts, your confidantes, your friends...ALL tell you that if you want to stay with her, it will be work.  You manage to squeak out "She's worth it" but now the only thing you feel is worth anything...is the love you have for her.  That it is something you can't give up on.  You now understand that the person you have decided to love is flawed beyond what you wanted to accept and what's worse...is that you are the only one that sees it.  Why? because you were privy to inside information you didn't care to see.  Your friends showed you what they saw...and they saw it all.  There was nothing she could get away with and if she could, she would have played you like a fiddle.  Not to say that you were perfect, but your flaws are things not having to do with trust...unless manufactured lol.  Truth is, you were more man than she expected.  You expected a woman of honor deserving of honor...something you didn't get.  A truth that in the end was something you could never make excuses for.

You see the fool sees all this and chooses to focus on all that happened in between.  He chooses to say that the moments holding her and loving on her outweighed it all until he comes to the rude awakening that although those moments meant everything to him...they meant absolutely nothing to her.  That is when the fantasy becomes a nightmare.  That is when all you have left is the sh*t to remember.  Why should it mean anything to you, if it meant sh*t to her.  A one sided event is not an event but an abirition.  It is in fact...a perspective.  The fool thinks to hold fast to such perspective but when faced with the truth decides to end all foolishness and conjoin his mindset with hers..."it didn't mean sh*t".  The fool is now wise...almost ready to become a fool yet again for someone that will appreciate such folly...someone worth it ;-)  And all the people said...hmmm...

For you fools out there...ask yourself "what is MY limit?"...

"Husband...Father..."

Two words that carry such weight with me.  Two words not taken lightly by real men.  Two words that only men of true honor can carry.  Each carries it's own weight.  Each carries it's own sacrifice.  Each means so much more than what the zeitgeist would have you believe.  Some men have the audacity to call themselves fathers simply because they stand as banks where their children can withdraw from while their children can scarecly ever remember having a deep conversation about life with said "father".  They will tell you..."I never really knew him".  What about the "husband" that feels the same?  The prick that pays no attention to his wife until he needs to "get off" or he wants something.  He thinks he owns her because he provides a roof over her head.  Meanwhile, she's just a stranger to him that serves as a cum depository.  These men wear the moniker of "husband" or "father" simply because they can provide externals and some women have settled into that bullsh*t so they don't ask for more.  What's worse is that they train their children the same way.  Not to expect anything more from Dad because he works so hard.  Boo-f*ckin-hoo...cry me a f*ckin river.  I'm sorry but you don't get to wear those crowns without sacrifice homeboy.  MAKE time for the ones you are now responsible for.

A father not only provides...he is there to instruct, to guide, to share and to cry with.  He is the example for the next generation to follow.  The husband is more than just one that sustains your externals but one that tends to your internals as well.  One that cares when you have something to say.  One that listens as your body says..."no, not there...here".  One that just doesn't f*ck you...but one that makes passionate love to you more often than not.  His time and body is no longer just his own...it belongs to you woman, child.  If you are conscientious, then the reverse is the same for you as THIS is what makes a unit strong.  Self-denial is key.  Your time out with your boys is not as important as a quiet night with your wife and/or kids.  Priority MUST be set right.

Some people dream of having a family.  They put that right up there with unicorns and rainbows by adding white picket fences, a dog and 2.2 kids.  Guess what, that happens...sometimes...but most of the time you will be faced with problems whose resolution is anything but simple.  Choices you must make on your own.  Choices that don't even involve money.  Nine times out of ten, there won't be no white picket fences.  As much as you plan and as much as you save...the dream is just that...a dream.  Here is the reality.  YOU made a choice.  From the quasi adult to the stupid teenager.  YOU decided it was ok NOT to use a condom the night you picked up that silly ass chick from the bar.  YOU decided you were "grown" enough to sleep with little Billy over there.  YOU decided to bring forth a child into this world so it is YOU that must make the tough choices, not anyone else.  Your parents may be able to offer advice but their job was to raise you and if they did a sh*tty job...oh well, do better but understand something...that baby gets bigger.  The child will need direction, not just food.  The teenager will need guidance, not just the latest pair of sneakers.  It's not a game nor is it a fantasy...it's as true as life gets....THIS is real life.

I say this to you as a man.  I am not a boy.  A boy sees his lusts and desires as winds worthy to glide on.  A man sees his lusts and desires and asks "will this hurt the ones I love?" before jumping off into them.  If they do, the winds end there.  Speaking to my brother on this topic, a real man himself, brought forth in me the memory of how seriously I took my oath and my responsibility as both and how I still see them today.  As you can tell, I still see them as something grand...something of a "next level" for a man.  The childless will NEVER understand what it is to have responsibility like that of having a child.  Not one you paw off on mom or dad to handle while you go out and party...YOUR OWN responsibility.  The one that takes away your time for self and turns you into steel for the sake of someone else.  They don't know sh*t about it.  Do me favor and save the terms "father", "mother", "husband" and "wife" for real men and women...the self-less.

Lest I seem utterly bleak in my quasi rant...I will say this; The real man and the real woman experience something extraordinary when they say "I do" or when they hear the first heartbeat coming from the womb of the mother.  They know that from that moment on, their world is to drastically change.  They understand well, that their heart now beats for more than just themselves.  Their lives will never be the same again.  They now have purpose that will live beyond their own years.  They understand how true a "word" must be and they know how real a "life" is.  At that point, white picket fences and dogs mean absolutely nothing because they now fade into the reality of the joy of the new life.  The dream can never compare to the love that one experiences when vows are exchanged and even more so when that new baby is held for the first time.  Having experienced both I can tell you that there is nothing like it in this world...

Its Funny But Today...

I think will be a great day for me.  A beautiful person I know will have a birthday and I will become godfather to a very cute kid.  Could you believe that?!?!  Godfather...me.  From now on, I will be making offers no one can ever refuse LOL  I foresee I will be running with that joke for as long as I can stand it LOL  May God bless little Gavin and little Hillary as well...

As for the birthday girl.  Wow, what can I say about her?  She has shown herself to be a woman of honor and for someone so strikingly beautiful...THAT is rare.  She had impressed me from the start and as yet to stop impressing me.  I call her "friend" today and am privileged to have that honor.  Folks, this is the kind of woman that could have easily turned out to be an asshole.  Given the accolades and attention she gets it's an amazing thing she's such a great person as well.  I mean I know women no where near as hot that think themselves "the sh*t" treating men like crap but this one?  Outweighs them all and still has a heart of gold.  Only God can make em like that and I am so glad to know her.  Happy birthday sweetheart, may God continue lovin on you with more years, grace and beauty.

It is women like this that keep me believing...with great love...Happy birthday Yesenia  :-)

YES!!!...

"...TO THE SKY!!!"

Well People, The Time Has FINALLY Come...

Jennifer Lopez is finally a free woman!!!  She and Marc Anthony are splitting up after seven years of marriage...yay?  I wonder how many sorry sacks out there are happy and belting out shouts of "WOW, I finally have a shot!!!" LOL  The realty is that in my case, Jennifer Lopez never really did it for me.  Would I say no if she asked me out?   Hell no, I ain't crazy, but the fact of the matter is the populace went crazy simply because she had a big ass.  Something I am so accustomed to as a Latin man.  I mean, I can walk down 5th Avenue in Sunset Park and see the exact same thing 20 times over...I guess that's why I was never really blown away.  Most of the women I've known had an ass that could rival hers.  I'm talkin Onion Booty's that would make you cry when exposed lol  I could name them but my readers would probably know some of them lol  Hell, one of them even has a birthday coming up ;-)  I've said too much...or just enough lol

But yeah folks, I am an ass man and I have no shame in that confession.  I love a woman with a big ass...just not a big ass woman.  Yes, there is a difference.  A big ass woman is just big everywhere.  A woman with a big ass usually has a big ass, thighs and a smaller waistline.  Tie-ins people...it's all about the tie-ins.  How the pieces tie into each other adds greatly to the appeal of the female form and I have been privileged, nay, BLESSED at having known some of the better asses on this beautiful planet of ours lol

Just sayin folks...a little levity at times is always a good thing :-)

As I Get Older...

I can understand my father so much more.  Growing up, I never really understood why he was still so helpful to my mother even after they divorced.  Why they would engage in long thoughtful conversations well into midnight...even years after they had split.  After bitter court battles and fights that would rival the greatest matches you could mention, they would always find a place to laugh.  A place of accord.  At times I have found myself in the midst of uncomfortable awkwardness when they would be in the same room...only because they would get giddy and silly around each other.  I never really understood him until now.  I guess I missed the deeper meaning everytime I heard him say "Your mother is a good woman".  He always told me she had her ways but that she was still..."a good woman".  Contemplating what's out there today...that says a whole lot.

I can now see that the wind in his sails was not only an enduring love for her but more so, a strong sense of duty.  As if to say..."If any woman on earth is worthy of any help I could offer, it would be her...SHE is a good woman".  Some women I know deserve the world and if I had it in me to give it to them, I wouldn't hesitate in the slightest.  I understand more so today that the value of a good woman is beyond priceless and worthy of anything a man can offer.  Some men don't know what they have and foolishly believe that toys and flowers are enough to keep their women happy.  Sure, that is until someone penniless comes along and wisely begins to tend to their soul.  At that point, it's only a matter of time.  Men, take a good look at the woman beside you, the mother of your children, your partner in crime, your bed mate...your friend.  Be sure and true NEVER to take what you have for granted.  Consider yourself blessed and let her know it...let her feel it.  When you look around and realize that she stands apart among women...you will breathe your sigh of relief yes, but don't stop there.  Gift your gift with all she deserves.  Even if the day comes that you are not a couple anymore...if she truly is a good woman, you will find that she will still be worthy of all you have to offer.  Be a man and gift your gift with more than just toys and temporary appeasement...gift your gift with you...

Honesty...

"Is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue..." 

Wow, such powerful lyric by Billy Joel.  Such truth is rarely ever heard anymore.  The word stands among the many that have taken a back seat to "fun" and "me" and "I" and the infamous phrase..."f*ck it".  Everything that extends outward is sadly scarecly found in the lexicon of men.  There are those that openly show their good deeds but in private are the epitome of selfish.  I could give a sh*t as to what I saw you do...do something of valor sight unseen...then, and only then, do you impress me.  Let me catch you unawares in a self-less act.  Let me see you say no to the woman that propositions you with "your wife will never know".  Let me watch as you say no when someone tells you that hurting someone else secretly would be a blast.  Go ahead and impress me...go ahead.  Yeah...fat f*ckin chance...

Lest I be considered a hypocrite, you should know I am aware I am not perfect but even in my imperfection you will find a standard and a code I live by.  I live my life knowing I am always being watched.  Knowing that God will judge me.  I know what awaits me...I know where I need to make good.  I can judge because I've already judged myself publicly.  My friends know all I do because they deserve to.  As for honesty, I will tell you the truth about my plight.  Not for sympathy, but so you know that even the strongest have their fair share of moments at trial.  What sets us apart is that we choose to face our demons head on as opposed to drowning them with fantastic made up explanations that appease the mind but do nothing for the soul.  The unadulterated truth about me is way more than just surface bullsh*t.  My pain is not over the loss of a woman as it may seem.  My pain is not influenced or heightened by sad love songs.  This pain I struggle with is an honest pain.  My pain has everything to do with the fact that this big man full of wisdom and experience could fall so easily for such bullsh*t.  That he would make excuses for every infraction, for every lie...for everything done to him.  ALL for the sake of a noble word...LOVE.  My pain has me questioning my judgement...questioning my manhood and pride.  My struggle spirals me to the less than ordinary plain and makes me a seemingly insecure man...something I know I am not.  What a ride I had.  All I wanted to do was love her...all I wanted to do was start the second half of my life with someone I had great passion for and in the end was left with an empty enigmatic question..."Why won't she let me love her?"  A question I will never have an answer for.  I face each day with these facts before me.  I don't drown myself in work or entertainment.  I don't use temporary placemats.  What is for me...is.  Why?  Why place myself in such duress?  Answering these questions reveal the dirty little secret among the strong.  THIS is what makes us strong.  We are strong because we face our weakness.  We are strong because we don't run from what is.  We are strong because we choose to suffer until we have mastered that which we do not understand about ourselves...bringing that weakness under by identifying it's root cause and learning how to kill it so that it never rears it's ugly head again.  This woman that did so much to me as yet has my love and there is the brutal honesty.  A fact that I hate and is something that for the first time in my life brings forth feelings of great regret.  I regret very few things in life but as I have been dealing with this I could find very little merit to my wasted years.  It would take a miracle for there to ever be an "us" again...it's something I'm not holding my breath for.  Given all this that I know to be true...to learn how to live and navigate through these facts takes a will and a wisdom the ordinary just can't handle.  When I'm done and through this, I will be more than I was.  I will be able to love without unfairly tainting the present with the past...all while maintaining my true self...a better self.  Pray with me that it happens folks.

Folks, at my 37 years of age I had a conversation with a great man.  He told me that he is in a relationship with a woman he dislikes.  He says he stays because the many years he's been at her side had engendered a love for her.  I know this man very well and I know that he knows what it is to cry and agonize over the loss of one he loves...that it is something that at his age, he would never want to experience again.  So this great man has decided to suffer the humiliation of being treated like sh*t just so he won't go through the pain of loss and loneliness.  His woman has no idea what she has and how to care for such a prize.  Friends, please don't ever settle for unhappiness at the hands of another.  If your level of passion is not being reciprocated by the one you're with do yourself a favor and show them how much you're worth...by saying goodbye.  I know what he went through when he lost a certain woman to divorce but he was never as open about his passion as I am.  I understood more and certain pieces gave my scattered puzzle better form.  After that conversation, I now understand that I am facing something within that is inherited...something I choose to beat.  Like everything else in my life that has held me back from progression...I will kill this too.  I would rather face unhappiness because I have decided to be alone than face unhappiness at the hands of another that is only there because they need someone around.  My friends, be wise in all that you do and above all things...be honest.   With great love...I'm out...

Sometimes...yeah

There is heavy loss in this performance.  Alone with a mic and a camera to watch.  She feels it because she wishes it wasn't true but in her case it was...very true.  Hers was a relationship that took her downward into addiction as they both enabled each other in use.  Yet even though they were toxic to each other...she loved him like the artist she was.  In the end of it all, she had to let go.  It was going with either what she knew or what she felt and sadly what she knew was that this relationship might've taken her life.  You know that man will always play a part in her life...in one way or another.  A truth I know she hates.  I see this video as a compelling piece of art...

For you I was a flame, love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came, love is a losing game
One I wished I never played, oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame, love is a losing game

Played out by the band, love is a losing hand
More than I could stand, love is a losing hand
Self-professed, profound, 'til the chips were down
Know you're a gambling man, love is a losing hand

Though I'm rather blind, love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind, love it is a fate resigned
Over futile odds, and laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame, love is a losing game

OH!!! To be strong...

I was told tonight..."I wish I could be as strong as you..." by someone I have emulated my own example of strength from.  Oh how that made me feel.  Makes me wonder though.  Am I strong because I don't mind pain?...my threshold is high.  Or am I strong because I choose to never run away from a challenge?...I can be stupid like that.  In either case, yes...I am a strong man.  I choose to keep believing even when others won't.  I choose to love even after all evidence has vanished and I choose to keep pressing on even after the brick wall in front of me has been fortified.

All I know is that the reason I was called strong, the very thing people see me as strong for doing...has me in pain.  A pain I didn't expect to last this long.  I know the reasons for the pain and I also know there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it.  I must suffer through it and pray it passes in time.  I will do so even as the new level in my evolution takes shape.  I will be better...it will be obvious.  In the meantime...let the tears fall and the suffering continue if need be.  I would rather suffer as a lonely king than suffer humiliation at the hands of someone that believes they're cute because they "get away" with sh*t.  My value is way to high to suffer bullsh*t...especially of that kind.

So a little advice...always think in terms of "what will I be willing to overlook?" when it comes to choosing a mate because the truth is everyone you meet will find a way to disappoint you.  It's only a matter of time and gravity of said disappointment.  Will you be able to look past their "desiginated by you, flaw" or is it enough to break the deal?...try to find out early folks.  A bit of wisdom from an old soul with lots of disappointment under his belt.  Let that be one of the many guidelines in your selection process...I'm out...

Breathe Again...

Ahhhhh...
I have played the part
I have all but lost my soul
And I have sacrificed for what it’s worth I just don’t know
In the silence of my heart
There is a distant call
Yeah...
It beckons me to stand apart.

So I set out on my own
Just to breath again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end
Where I'm free to breathe again

Ohhh...
Through the suffering through the misery and pain
Never anything but the will to see the day
Yeahh...
When the promise might be born
Light the spark within
Yeahh...
Cause I can’t take it anymore.

So I set out on my own
Just to breath again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end
Well I’m free to breathe again.

Well I am free to roam
And set out on my own
To rise above the hands that try to hold me down
Before the end
I know I’ll breathe again to find my way

So I set out on my own
Just to breath again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end
I’m leaving today... [x3]

A Touch Of Me...

Come here and let me look at you.  Whisper to me your name so I can't hear it.  Mouth the words of love so that it's for you alone.  Come...show me.  Let me see your skin, my touch to calm you deep within a soul so heavy with care.  Let me close my eyes to feel your thighs and just imagine the wet between.  My mouth to water at such a thought...for care, for lust, for love with sweat, the wet we beget from skin on skin, the pain and pleasure...from deep within.  I see glimpses of my dream in candlelight.  The night, it hides in plain sight as I feel you even now.  How?  I can see you and where your hand is going as I am sowing...as I am planting.  You are panting and your heart is racing.  Your hand is mine...your wet...my saliva.  My whispered tone is deep...as you are now.  As I will be soon...

Imagine For A Moment...

You have been scaling a wall that needs scaling.  Sticking your bloodied fingers into any groove you can to make it to the top.  Now imagine yourself doing that wearing a backpack full of rocks.  Time to drop the backpack...

When you have something of importance and great value to you that has run it's current course, you examine the variables and make emotional preparations based on what information you have available.  This is so it's transition or end would be smooth.  I tried to the best of my ability to do this and I miscalculated what would happen.  I prepared myself for a rosie outcome that never materialized.  Why?  Stated words and solid love.  Yet I forgot that humans are duplicitous and that repeated words without action are signals pointing towards an unstable heart.  I trusted that love would be enough but for some people...it really doesn't mean sh*t.  I do not under any circumstance say this in bitterness or anger but just as a matter of fact.  I expected more from someone that I should not have.  I should have expected this outcome...it was just something I didn't want to accept.  I desperately wanted to believe that everything said was real.  That all that was professed would make a great story in the end...it didn't happen.  Instead, when my expected aftermath began to take unexpected turns revealing the sham of what was before, I crumbled under the weight of it all...almost drowning in sorrow.  Hating the very feelings that kept me locked in.  Hating even myself for falling so hard.  My seasoned mind should have seen it and even though it did...my heart would not easily let go.  For me...it was real.

So what does this mean?  It just means that I am accepting what is.  My ego would not allow me to accept  the fact..."I was wrong".  You can love with the heart of a poet.  You can trek accross numerous state lines to see the one you love for just a brief moment or two...even just for a kiss.  You can present someone as your all and shower them with care and attention.  Folks, if it doesn't come back to you from the object of your passion...train yourself to step backwards.  Do not delude yourself into thinking that what you are doing is making a difference in the heart of another...unless you see it with your own eyes.  It's not bleak or depressing...just realty.

For those that read this blog.  I can tell you that this is my therapy and that because I have isolated myself from most, bearing my soul this way is my way of telling those going through the same thing..."you're not alone".  There is someone just as f*cked up as you are out there and guess what?  It's all just human...it's all just life.  It's how we make it through that makes us who we are.  I own my sadness, my grief, my confusion and ultimately...my resolution...my resolve.

The Journeyman

On his way to perfection the king stopped to ponder the end of his journey.  What good will the outcome do anyone but himself?  "What good is it all if I can't make you smile?" says the king.  "What good are my strong arms without one to hold?"..."What good is my wealth without one to sustain?"  "What good is a heart without..."  "I'll figure it out on the way" says the king.  Knowing all the while this journey has no end...he continues...with a smile... 

It's Ok...

To really admit that one is sad.  When you have no pressing matters for the morrow.  No clues to piece together...nothing to solve.  Just a mind gone free with nothing but time...it really is ok isn't it.  It isn't weak, it isn't stifling...just really really human.  It makes me smile to write about how sad I feel...it makes me happy to know that in the midst of all the darkness I'm surrounded by, my inner man can still see beauty in something...even in sadness.  Oh how human, oh how beautiful it is to feel something other than urgency, suspense or frustration.  Count your blessings folks...and smile.  I am sad.  This man feels and acknowledges just how incomplete he really is...and it's ok.

A beautiful friend spoke to me of love today...one I havent seen in a while...

"Have me" says the king.  "Have me for dinner, have me for breakfast...and then awaken to find your dinner laying beside you.  So very still...and ready"..."Have me" whispers the king as the tear of solice gently hits his pillow... 

What a dream...a beautiful dream turned horrid nightmare.  What makes it a nightmare?  The fact that I had to wake up to a harsh reality... it was all just a dream.

As A Child...

1 Corinthians 13:11

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

Wow, what a day.  My son turned 16 today and my youngest is headed to high school in a few short months.  We had a good time today but it hit me hard...they are becoming men.  Men, that like their father, are like mules...stubborn as sh*t.  The hearts they carry are soft enough to make women swoon and strong enough to make men take notice.  They are Alphas and whats worse is that they wear it on their sleeves...also...like their father.  To raise such takes a heavy combination of compassion, understanding, street smarts and love.  I pray God give me all that in abundance.  My pride as a father has no ceiling when it comes to them.  They have shown me that even in error, they are still men of conscience and character...something I have focused my energy to instill.  Something that has been my desire in prayers for many years.  Now they take new steps on new levels.  Levels that will require more of their manhood.  Levels that will challenge them and help them configure these new levels of maturity...in every aspect.

Now, onto the topic at hand...

Paul spoke these words in the context of love.  Yet they reverberate in every context.  He described love as nothing short of surrender.  Where for the sake of love, all is forgiven, all is tolerated...all is OK.  That if one could reach that level of love, he or she would be able to match the love Christ displayed on the cross; to sacrifice oneself for the sake of loving another...even when they completely reject you.  I know this love...at least I can say with the purest sincerity...that I understand it.  I have loved this way only to find heartache and exhaustion in the end.  Sometimes worth it but sometimes...not.  This is why to "love" for me is more than mere butterflies and poetry...there must be maturity and an associated value for it to flourish.  The Don Juan's of this world throw that word around as much as the word "and" but I have learned that one must be careful if it's real.  Even more so to take even greater care that it's not given away cheap.  As a child I fell in love with every girl I went out with.  As a man, I found that there are in fact different reasons why attraction would set in and that not every goose bump means anything losing sleep over.  The emotionally immature individual is one that is easily blown away into thinking they are in love or "connected".  When it comes to gamers, these are the easiest marks.  They think that every "feeling" of attraction is one worthy of exploration...even if they already have someone they are committed to.  The emotionally mature individual understands that emotions can easily be influenced by environment and circumstance.  They examine what they are feeling and if truly committed, their "struggle" ends quickly.  They can be in a room with someone of the opposite sex they are really "feeling" and still keep all the doors shut.

When I was married, I ran into many attractive women that saw my marriage as a minor inconvenience that the "heat of the moment" could overcome.  Problem was, I was what my sister once described as "REALLY married".  I found them attractive and had chemistry with a few...but that was as far as it went.  I knew the places, phrases and topics to avoid and I did my best not play with my marriage or ever put it at risk.  It had great value to me and I handled it with the care of an adult.  Why?  because it takes the responsibility of an adult to truly love someone.  To truly love someone and claim exclusivity means that they are it...you look no further nor are pursuits welcomed.  You are now responsible for making sure that your emotional investment is handled correctly.  Training yourself to know and understand that because of that love and stated commitment, everything else that presents itself as an "option" is a mirage that stems from your human need of "self".  A child wants whatever he or she wants without thought of what it would mean to possess what they desire.  To possess another under the banner of love means that you are now responsible for the very heart given you and that is not something anyone should take lightly.  No matter how appealing the "option", if the love is real...the appeal should not be an issue for anymore than a day.  The emotionally mature understand that it only looks like an oasis because of their vantage point.  Move from that spot and tell me if you still see the same thing...chances are you wont.  To risk what you have declared to be love for something that feels good in the moment is one of the most childish things anyone can do.  Problem is you only find out when it's too late...after the damage has been done.

So please don't throw these three little words around unless they are meant in earnest.  When I love, I love as a man...with sincere passion.  You will hear it my speech, you will feel it in my touch and you will see it by my deeds.  Expecting the same in return and not getting it is one of the most frustrating experiences one could have...believe me I know.  So take great care in where and in whom you invest...make sure they are worth it before uttering those words.  Be mature...be the adult you claim to be.  Love, but love wisely...only investing your love into a heart that will count that precious gift as something worth taking responsibility for.  Believe me when I tell you...real love is not something readily available today.  When you find it, it's worth fighting for...I'm out...