My day begins with the news that my Godson is in the hospital. He is now being watched as I type this and we are thankful to God for the miracle of healing. He is ever gracious and merciful. Yet within this day, I was reminded about something. I was reminded of who I was in another realm. Those with ears to hear will understand and those without...well...
In the hour's nap that I had when I came back home...I dreamt. I had a dream that included people that today, I want to forget. I was in a dingy spanish bar and someone came looking for me wondering how I could be so comfortable in such a place. This person knew me before as one that would never belong in such an environment. They knew me as someone whose presence was palpable from miles away...as someone and something else. To relay this to my current state is to reveal that I have decided to become something less so that certain things could happen for me and the ones I care about. This day has me questioning the wisdom of such a move. I know that great man is still there...yet purposely buried. I just worry that in my state I will forget about him altogether.
You see, unlike most, I know who and what I am. I don't feel the need to "find myself" anymore. As humans we go through revolution and evolution. I am one that normally evolves within who I am and that is a process I have halted for my own reasons and purpose. Parts of me still grow while others are placed on hold...creating an imbalance. Yet, I can feel that man holistically starving now. From that whole man flows my passion and conviction. From that whole man flows a blood that has meaning, purpose and direction. Yet from that man also flows a forgiveness and a love that has me in fear. A forgiveness and a love that I subconsciously blame for most of my current hurt. I gave that out in earnest believing it should be rewarded. It came back empty and harsh. As I type this I am wondering if my fear of getting hurt again has me in a state of self-inflicted indifference. A state that allows me to say "f*ck you" to love and all manner of closeness. Yeah, it works...but at what cost...
I guess my wounds are affecting more than even I had imagined. Folks this aint self pity. You are watching me from the inside out. I share all this with you because I know someone else is going through the very same thing and I need them to feel my hand holding theirs. There will come a day when all this has passed but so long as this blog is up, you will always know that someone can and does relate to you. You're not crazy and there is no need to dispair. You are living. As I go through it with you...you go through it with me. Fight with me and I with you so in the end we can "say so" together...
On a side note...after spending time with my God-daughter Hillary, I know I would love to have a little girl of my own some day...hey, you never know...
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