You have been scaling a wall that needs scaling. Sticking your bloodied fingers into any groove you can to make it to the top. Now imagine yourself doing that wearing a backpack full of rocks. Time to drop the backpack...
When you have something of importance and great value to you that has run it's current course, you examine the variables and make emotional preparations based on what information you have available. This is so it's transition or end would be smooth. I tried to the best of my ability to do this and I miscalculated what would happen. I prepared myself for a rosie outcome that never materialized. Why? Stated words and solid love. Yet I forgot that humans are duplicitous and that repeated words without action are signals pointing towards an unstable heart. I trusted that love would be enough but for some people...it really doesn't mean sh*t. I do not under any circumstance say this in bitterness or anger but just as a matter of fact. I expected more from someone that I should not have. I should have expected this outcome...it was just something I didn't want to accept. I desperately wanted to believe that everything said was real. That all that was professed would make a great story in the end...it didn't happen. Instead, when my expected aftermath began to take unexpected turns revealing the sham of what was before, I crumbled under the weight of it all...almost drowning in sorrow. Hating the very feelings that kept me locked in. Hating even myself for falling so hard. My seasoned mind should have seen it and even though it did...my heart would not easily let go. For me...it was real.
So what does this mean? It just means that I am accepting what is. My ego would not allow me to accept the fact..."I was wrong". You can love with the heart of a poet. You can trek accross numerous state lines to see the one you love for just a brief moment or two...even just for a kiss. You can present someone as your all and shower them with care and attention. Folks, if it doesn't come back to you from the object of your passion...train yourself to step backwards. Do not delude yourself into thinking that what you are doing is making a difference in the heart of another...unless you see it with your own eyes. It's not bleak or depressing...just realty.
For those that read this blog. I can tell you that this is my therapy and that because I have isolated myself from most, bearing my soul this way is my way of telling those going through the same thing..."you're not alone". There is someone just as f*cked up as you are out there and guess what? It's all just human...it's all just life. It's how we make it through that makes us who we are. I own my sadness, my grief, my confusion and ultimately...my resolution...my resolve.
When you have something of importance and great value to you that has run it's current course, you examine the variables and make emotional preparations based on what information you have available. This is so it's transition or end would be smooth. I tried to the best of my ability to do this and I miscalculated what would happen. I prepared myself for a rosie outcome that never materialized. Why? Stated words and solid love. Yet I forgot that humans are duplicitous and that repeated words without action are signals pointing towards an unstable heart. I trusted that love would be enough but for some people...it really doesn't mean sh*t. I do not under any circumstance say this in bitterness or anger but just as a matter of fact. I expected more from someone that I should not have. I should have expected this outcome...it was just something I didn't want to accept. I desperately wanted to believe that everything said was real. That all that was professed would make a great story in the end...it didn't happen. Instead, when my expected aftermath began to take unexpected turns revealing the sham of what was before, I crumbled under the weight of it all...almost drowning in sorrow. Hating the very feelings that kept me locked in. Hating even myself for falling so hard. My seasoned mind should have seen it and even though it did...my heart would not easily let go. For me...it was real.
So what does this mean? It just means that I am accepting what is. My ego would not allow me to accept the fact..."I was wrong". You can love with the heart of a poet. You can trek accross numerous state lines to see the one you love for just a brief moment or two...even just for a kiss. You can present someone as your all and shower them with care and attention. Folks, if it doesn't come back to you from the object of your passion...train yourself to step backwards. Do not delude yourself into thinking that what you are doing is making a difference in the heart of another...unless you see it with your own eyes. It's not bleak or depressing...just realty.
For those that read this blog. I can tell you that this is my therapy and that because I have isolated myself from most, bearing my soul this way is my way of telling those going through the same thing..."you're not alone". There is someone just as f*cked up as you are out there and guess what? It's all just human...it's all just life. It's how we make it through that makes us who we are. I own my sadness, my grief, my confusion and ultimately...my resolution...my resolve.
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