It Don't Matter...

As a man in mission mode, my writings as of late have been more instructional or introspective but my juices are beginning to flow again towards the surreal and beautiful as I find my goals being reached by the grace of God. Besides... I am one that is blessed to acknowledge that from my vantage point... I am never at a lack for what I deem beautiful. The sun, the moon and the stars, her skin, her air and her smile, her need, her want and her desire... and all else in between. For now... here's something that's been brewing in my brain over several weeks, made useful in my trials:

There's a phrase I have come to use as part of my arsenal towards self-improvement. One that I have used for years as wisdom and consequential thinking converged to create the ability to divine the most probable outcomes available given the circumstances. The phrase? "It don't matter..." I'll tell you how it works...

Consider yourself in the middle of a disappointing outcome. One that can depress or emotionally paralyze you into grief. "It don't matter." Why? Because although what you hoped for did not materialize today, you look at all the variables and inevitably come to the conclusion that what you hoped for is on its way anyway. You see the precedents and the players involved and realize that one of the truest alignments include the attaining of said thing. Also, consider you not liking what you're seeing in an individual that has disrespected you in some way, shape, manner or form. "It don't matter." Why? Because you look at the path they're on and can deduce where they will wind up. You did your level best to reach them and they slammed the door in your face. Instead of saying "f*ck them" you leave that door slightly ajar for the day they will see that you were correct in your assessment. Not to gloat or to say "I told you so"... but to finally be able to help as intended. 

What does this do? It inevitably becomes a practice in patience. One that creates an emotional maturity that shuns the idea behind the tantrum or the constant selfish complaint. It is not a practice in becoming unfeeling or callous but instead, it takes all you feel and helps you master your reaction. It reveals the logic in holding on to your peace... even in the midst of disappointment. Understand this clearly, I know when folk are trying to play me, when they're lying by omission or when they're trying to manipulate me for the sake of a small internalized petty agenda they think I won't see. I catch the passive aggression. I catch the hidden insult and I know when indifference is being used in a strategic manner. I see it all and yes, I feel all the hits but you know what? "It don't matter." Why? Because with every one of these occurrences, I instinctively take another step back without ever really showing it and sometimes, it's what they wanted to begin with so it works itself out. Yet knowing my value (and you sure as hell should know yours), I understand what that will mean over time for them and by the time they figure it out... it becomes even more difficult to get me to care as I once did. After that, dealing with them becomes an exercise of duty and honor... without the same richness of heart behind it. I won't scream, I won't even return an insult at times. I'll just say to myself... "It don't matter." Many will confuse this as me being overly passive or just not caring enough. I'm just not interested in getting upset over something I know will either pass or end up badly for them anyway. Some want me to get wild over things as though acting the fool is a metric of how important something is to you. I will tell you this: Anyone "acting the fool" ain't acting... and that ain't me. When something requires my brand of aggression... I'll tend to it as needed but the truth is, I've come to learn that most things don't require that kind of attention. Come at me right... we'll be right. Come at me wrong? "It don't matter"... I'm out.

~moses apollo

Salt To My Seasoning...

"but I can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun

you got your hair combed back & your sunglasses on, baby

I can tell you, my love for you will still be strong

after the boys of summer have gone..."

Life is funny sometimes. A bunch of things can hit all at once & you can be so overwhelmed, that you'll miss the message. This time around, I thank God I haven't.

It has been a part of my code to keep my distance from women I've had the privileged of connecting with once they began entertaining another, as they and I have always been free to do. It avoids being accused of being the impetus for break-ups, jealousies or arguments on the part of their significant other. I kept to boundaries imposed by my own sense of honor but I have come to the conclusion that the price for such a thing may have been too high. There were times when my presence could have gone a long way but my code wouldn't allow it. Even just being there for them... it's what I'm made of. I can no longer deny being who I am just because someone will take it the wrong way. In short, I've come to the conclusion that this is not a "me problem" & for far too long, I have held that it was.

To a tee, almost all of these "men" I stayed away for turned out to be duds. "Summer boys" that came & went with agendas. Due to this, I feel foolish showing honor to the dishonorable. Letting down those I loved for something that couldn't even survive on its own. Well... I'm done doin that. A friend recently needed me & I decided that I could not turn her away. If her "man" had a problem with it... it was no longer my issue. My issue was her. He ain't got nothin to do with me, nor do I have anything to do with him... something he should consider himself blessed for.

From now on, I will allow them to set the boundaries they want (as always... without judgment) but it won't be comin from me anymore. I held to discretion in every situation & this will be no different if that's what they should choose. I will be all that I will be & more. Now folks, you can take this as an amendment to my code but you can also take this as a lesson. What lesson? That it doesn't matter how seasoned you are. A man or woman set in their ways will never grow beyond the limits of their mindset. Even one as open & free as mine can be amended for the better. Besides, I can always add a bit more salt to my seasoning. I am who & what I am... I'm out

~moses apollo

 

How The Sauce Is Made...

"there's twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong. with all my excuses

still twenty-four strong, but see I'm not copping out (x3). when You're raising the dead in me.

i am the second man now..."

I often get folks wondering how I can be "as understanding" as I am... I just chuckle and think of the phrase a beautiful soul left with me years ago: "I come by it honestly"...

Folks will look at your character, your body and your temperament (etc) as a finished product they are inspired by but seldom ever ask the most relevant question: "the sauce is great... but how exactly is that sauce made?" They think I will always come up with the most profound conclusion as soon as I take in the information. Some things are easy to figure over time but some things, the things that hit closer to "home"... take time to chew on before you can digest and articulate the right conclusion. Heavy emotions can blind your objectivity when it is needed the most. In other words, when heavy emotions are wrapped up into something taking place, I will entertain the most surface take imaginable when I should be showing those closest to me the most grace. Given that, my emotions will be inspired by that take and nine times out of ten... I WILL be in error. Error I try not to speak on or act on. Now, the difference between the mature and the immature is this: the mature will revisit that take and dig deeper into empathy (not to excuse an offense but to understand if there was malice behind it or if it was something you might consider doing under the same circumstances) to figure out what's really going on OR they will revisit how they saw that information to begin with. In the end, your perspective will change and as a result, your outlook and stance towards a person or an event will change as well. THAT is how the sauce is made and it is precisely why I have posted my initial thoughts on a thing AS WELL AS its progression towards the development of grace in my soul.

In your lives, you will see folk do things you will ascribe malice to or you will not take the time to try to understand the whys or the details of what actually happened. You will allow yourself to settle into an aggrieved, angry or disappointed mindset because that is the easiest route to take. To take any other route will require you to show some measure of grace and that is something this era is no longer capable of. To defy the era is to show yourself to be a truly understanding soul.

Sometimes the seasoned heart will entertain the wrong thought as a process to reach the right one. I am no better than anyone else in that department. You just don't know how much self-reflection or prayer it took to get me to a place of deep understanding. This is why I give folks I am close to the benefit of the doubt at the first whiff of something seeming "off". It's not that I'm a pushover in any sense of the word. That's just me not wanting to distance myself from someone I care about simply because they were just being human. After awhile without clarity (and that could mean years) I just back off without judgment, anger or disappointment. Why? because I don't know enough to come to any conclusions. The immature will stick to the surface explanation as justification for how they are feeling and acting... I just can't do that. Not because I'm better than you, but because after being on the receiving end of that, I endeavored to overcome that within myself. I encourage you all to do the same. Better sauce... better flavor... I'm out...

~moses apollo

Quick note: given the events that have been taking place around the world as of late, I need to make clear THAT is NOT what I'm talking about. In attempting to show empathy to these killers, we can clearly understand what turned them into animals, why they did what they did & why they will face justice for it... as well as those that inspired the mindset behind their animalistic actions. True empathy does not excuse... it clarifies. No, in this post I'm talking about you and me... the everyday soul that walks the streets or surfs the internet. I may or may not post about what happened to Irena and Charlie someday... or I may not. If I wrote anything now, it would be driven by an anger and a frustration that some might take to mean the wrong thing. I aim to be responsible. So if you thought I was talking about them, go back and re-read what I just wrote as though I were talking about how you feel towards someone you had a misunderstanding with or someone you are holding a grudge against over something, that in retrospect... can actually be seen as not a good enough reason to cut them out of your life altogether.

Live It Well...

"...life is short, I wanna live it well. one life, one story to tell..."

In all my comings and goings, you that have read my blog for quite some time will know that I squeeze out lessons from experience like one would squeeze out the water from a sponge. My sister's passing has been no different and one of the lessons I have been ruminating on since that day came to me from something I experienced in her hospital room:

On that last day, I had a flash in my head... a kind of "vision" if you like. I saw myself in a room and as I stood in its center, everything around me began to rearrange itself. A chair and some furniture disappeared and everything seemed to reconfigure on its own. Almost the way stagehands rearrange the sets in a play between acts. Except that here, the stagehands were invisible. As I stood there watching this happen, I heard a voice say "this transition is part of your existence... you will see many of these in your lifetime. you will need to adapt." I understood what it meant and it offered me a kind of peace. Almost a settling into the idea that everyone I knew would move on and that everything I took as permanently accessible would fade into eternity at one point or another. That this... was still "life" and even though the pain I feel has grown silent, I still can't seem to talk about it as freely as I'd like without losing my breath to emotion. I can hear about it fine. I can navigate through it ok... but I just can't seem to talk about it yet. I have buried myself in tying up the loose ends she left behind like a man on a singular mission. With my own telling me "how do you do it?." I only respond by telling them I compartmentalize but that's only half the story. I've always been a man of duty. God did that in me early on and when I set my mind to accomplish a thing, I go until my part in the effort is done. This "flash" I had let me know that this will not be the last time I have to endure this so I am endeavoring to find out how to get everything right the first time around.

As for sister's passing, I can truly say, I seek no "reasons" beyond that which is before me. It was just her time. My brother told me that he was shocked to find out that the shunt they had placed in her brain at a very young age was meant to expire and be replaced more than twenty years ago. The fact that this never happened is a miracle to doctors in the know. In essence, my brother concluded that God granted her extra decades. Decades that she spent lifting up almost everyone she came in contact with. Through many trials and uphill climbs, she always managed to make someone take note of her heart... and by extension, their own. Sh*t... it's hard to even write this. 

Folks, what many call "death" is a part of life and although the body may not endure... our design is eternal. The transitions rearrange everything into new orders and we who remain are left to live out those new orders for the acts that are meant to follow. We breathe, we stand, we walk. All with a fresh understanding. An understanding that reveals just how beautiful life and love should be. Why? Because we are reminded that all we have and all we know can leave us at any time. So why not stop taking them for granted. Embrace your love... love on those you care about. Embrace your purpose and endeavor to leave a mark that outlasts even what man calls death. Some speed up this time living a reckless life but there are those that are able to live it well and when their time comes, they and everyone around them can say with a heavy heart: "ok... goodbye... till we meet again". I'm out...

~moses apollo

Everything...

 

Somewhere, there's speaking, it's already coming in

Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind

You never could get it unless you were fed it

Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks

Past the places where you used to learn

You howl and listen, listen and wait for the

Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you and you don't know why

You're waiting for someone to put you together

You're waiting for someone to push you away

There's always another wound to discover

There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight and watch it unwind

It's only what you're asking for

And you'll be just fine with all of your time

It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island, into the highway

Past the places where you might have turned

You never did notice, but you still hide away

Anger of angels who won't return

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why

I am everything you want, I am everything you need

I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be

I say all the right things at exactly the right time

But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

And I don't know why

Why?

I don't know...

~vertical horizon

yes... I will admit being wounded... but there is not an inkling of doubt that I am stronger today than I've ever been before. all the more prepared to receive everything... I've been praying for. this is the way with me my loves...

~moses apollo apolinaris

My "Just Because"...

My "just because" is an "I love you"... simply because of how the existence of your heart has come to move my soul. Like the sun, the moon and the stars are loved by beautiful streams, trees and tides... so is the quality of my love... in my "just because". No sense in keeping that to myself anymore...

Aah

Because the world is round

It turns me on

Because the world is round

Aah

Because the wind is high

It blows my mind

Because the wind is high

Aah

Love is old, love is new

Love is all, love is you

Because the sky is blue

It makes me cry

Because the sky is blue

Aah

~the Beatles

Now you know... and "that" as they say... is that... sweetest dreams beneath my moon and better days to shine upon your risings...

~moses apollo apolinaris 

"We Got Sh*t To Do"...

"..."

Oh my loves, it's been a minute I know but I guess I needed to gather the thoughts of my heart before I came and sat before this screen again. About two weeks ago, one of my best friends passed on to be with the Lord. She also just so happened to be my sister Bridget. I know she is with the Lord and that brings me unimaginable comfort but I can say that in my selfishness... I miss her so. She was the life of every room she entered and touched many lives along the way but under the light of her glory, there was suffering. Not the kind that can disease the body unto death, but the kind that feels the heaviness of a potential she thought she was never able to reach here on earth. Where she is now allows her to understand that maybe, in touching the many lives she has touched... she actually reached that potential after all. Maybe it was just her time to go and meet her truest reward in eternity. The suddenness of it all left a mark that wont heal so easy but I can see it crawling on my heart as I work towards finishing up a few serious loose ends she left behind.

While officiating burial arrangements as well as tying up those "loose ends", I will admit to having the displeasure of seeing the ugliness of people that called themselves her "friends" and "family". Thankfully, it was all but a handful... but that was enough to turn me off for awhile... literally sickened me. Some people just do not understand the concept of boundaries and the idea of "time and place" but I refuse to hash that out publically or even bother with it at all. I only deal with those that are important to me and these folks? meh... I've also come to understand the concept of the "Fair Weathered Friend". The kind that loves being cool on sunny days but pretends to not see or hear anything pertaining to you when the storm comes. God forbid they should need to hold an umbrella or two. I've thought to keep my distance from people I love for the sake of honor when I thought I might be stepping on someone else's toes by doing what I'd normally do for support, only to hate myself afterwards in finding out later that there were no toes to step on. Yet NEVER have I stayed away because it was too much for me to handle. This is not me pattin myself on the back. This is just me telling you my modus operandi. A modus I tend to project onto others and this is the kind of projection that only adds to unnecessary disappointment. Why "unnecessary"? Because you never really know the why behind it all and just because someone doesn't do as you would, does not mean they are less virtuous than you. I let it go easy but I hide the "happenings" in my heart. Some folks are truly "fair weathered" but others might have valid reasons for being the way they are.

Yet of all the things I've learned in this short time, most importantly, I've come to realize something profound. That all the suffering I've endured these last few years has turned me into someone that can take on most things in the midst of pain and grief. If I laid out all that I've gone through, you'd be surprised to hear of it. You'd tell me that you never saw it and there is a reason for that... I didn't want you to. Is it a flaw? Is it ego? Or is it that I'm more like my mother than I'd like to acknowledge? The attitude that says "you have 5 minutes to cry and feel sorry for yourself... then shake it off and move your ass... we got sh*t to do". It's not that you become calloused (though some do) but because you value your faith, hope, love and passion as much as I do, you learn to compartmentalize your pain until it's time to sit on that proverbial rock and allow yourself the time to process all that really happened (a needful thing for growth). There's way too much that needs doin and I endeavor to complete it all. I've said it before and I'll say it again: The size of the upcoming blessing can be measured by the size of the trial that leads up to it. Having said that I know... I'm expecting nothing short of greatness.

Now, understand this. How different am I than you that have been struggling in private? Look back on all you've endured and notice how the wheels of your mind are still spinning... how your heart is still beating. You're still laughing at jokes, still moving forward. Still looking to reach goals and still looking to love life and be more than you are. You, my love... are stronger than you think you are. Thank God for all that you've endured... for the monster warrior you've become and for the blessings that are on their way. So "head up!! shoulders back!! shake it off... you got sh*t to do"... Much love...

~moses apollo 

PS: In due time, we will be returning to your regularly scheduled programming

To My Prayer Warriors...

What can I say about yesterday or about how I'm feeling right now. A very close family member of mine experienced a severe brain hemorrhage yesterday morning. She walked into a clinic, business as usual, happy go lucky to pick up some medicine for my mother as she always does, said "i dont feel so good"... and collapsed on the floor.

Right now she is in a coma in a hospital with doctors expecting the worst outcome imaginable. At first, I was frozen in grief but after having some time to pray over her in the hospital, my hope has been suddenly renewed. I know the tenets of my belief system and death is not among them. I truly believe she is touring eternity right now and will be given the option to stay... or to come back.

This hope brings me peace but it does not keep my heart from breaking over the fact that I will not be seeing or hearing from her for quite some time if she chooses to stay in the arms of my Lord. 

Folks, there is no rule book to this. How are we really supposed to feel? How long are we supposed to grieve or remain in a melancholic state? I've cried uncontrollably in spurts since the news and have been completely calm at other times. As the now patriarch of my family, I know my role now is to be a rock that allows everyone the safety to break down. I understand it but it's never an easy thing when you feel just like they do but can't show it. Yet you know what we do? We endure our task without reverting looking for escapes. Let someone else handle it? I'd love to but I'm not built that way... I'm a man.

She is 4 years my senior and tells everyone that I am her older brother that has wings. I'm sure the Lord is getting a kick out of that right about now, but as for me... I will miss hearing it from her if she decides to stay with Him... and I wouldn't blame her if she did. Pray for my sister Bridget please... 🙏 

~moses apollo of apolinaris

Near Death...

"...   ..."

The life after death experience... what a ride huh folks? Some see the tunnel at whose end there is a light. Others, hear voices in the dark slowly begin dragging them down into darkness. Most see my Lord letting them know its not their time yet but almost all come out thinking they've been internally forever changed by the experience.

I know of one person close to me that was dead for 15 minutes and came back thinking 2 months had past in the new realm. She was taken on a tour of eternity that was impeccably intune with Bibilical accounts... without ever having read it. She knew intimate details nobody could have ever known and traveled through time periods that others had kept secret. She was also able to confirm the existence of things I knew existed but could never speak of. Not just because they'd be misunderstood but also because people were not ready to hear about them yet. Hell, we might even know who Jim Morrisons naked indian in the desert is lol

Now, you all know that those that truly know dont speak about it and that those that do speak about it usually want you to know they're other worldly types banking on borderline worship smh 

My whole thing is about "the change" that's supposed to take place. Listen folks, if you can't find the better you by introspection alone, dont count on angels, demons or realms to do it for you. So many come out of those experiences walkin on clouds, wearing the mantle of seers but in their hearts, they're just as they ever were. Nothing really changes. This experience is used as a diving board to decide which incarnation of themselves they're gonna try to stick with this time. Will it be the "we must put others others first because life is so short?" Or will it be the "f*ck everybody else, imma do for me because life is way too short to give a sh*t anyway". Then there's the "indifferent what does it matter anyway. Whoever or whatever i am won't mean a thing anyway to anyone when I'm gone". All true in a sense but all stupid...

How about instead of making it about "others", you taking that experience and looking back at your life. Taking inventory on all you didn't become and deciding from that day forward to become the very soul you've always wanted to be? What do you notice here? That another's opinion dont mean sh*t in this rationale. It's about YOU. You are no longer looking to replace something external that failed to make yourself feel whole. Put this goal first in God... and all the right internals will see their way to find you like complex puzzle piece that finally found their match without even trying.

It's always nice to have a moment of epiphany but what good is it if it doesn't last. Start from the inside out and take note how you keep choosing the same types, the same flavors and the same roads. Your heart may want to believe all may seem comfortable... but there is always a very good chance that in the land if the living... your life might just have outgrown them. Think about it might loves... I'm out

~moses apollo

Light Whispers In The Dark...

"i'm ready..."

Laying down in a hospital bed tryin to sleep. Been here since Friday. Just now realizing I spent Father's Day in this place... what a ride my beautiful people lol

Remember this ALWAYS... right before a breakthrough, there will always be a test or challenge sent to diminish your faith. For me, it's like a marker to greater things... and I ain't never been wrong. Like light whispers in the dark, I've become adept at hearing... I can see what's coming, and I'm ready ;-) Sweetest dreams my loves ❤️ 

~moses apollo