One night your walking through the streets and you realize..."I've gone as far as I could go in the right direction". A place where you find there is nothing left for you to do. A place where you are tired of being "sick and tired". That place of numbness where all you can do is laugh at life as a comedy riddled with twists and turns. Where every other door has shut and there is only one door left to enter through. Turns out, that is the final door that takes you past the finish line.
Looking back, how many times have you been here before? How many hard tears have you cried because you thought you wouldn't make it? You always made it. God made sure of that. There was always a crack in the window. There was always a way to slip in unawares. They are always present yet the question is, "What precedent will you adhere to?" The one that says "Life is sh*t"? Or the one that stays hidden amidst the sorrow that says "It'll be okay in time"?
I learn this lesson on a weekly basis but I will admit it to be one of the hardest of lessons to learn. Through all I've been through...I am still alive. I still feel. I still find time to laugh, to smile...to love. I still find moments of gratitude between the moments of inequity. I still see faith...and passion...
This tells me something...everything will always be alright.
Apollo stands at the precipice of his existence and feels the need to live. The need to love the art that drives him destitute and happy. The need to arrive at a place of rest where he hears only the sound of his heart beating to the keys of Sati and Bach. The place of loss...and deliberate gain. The place where the new face is familiar and beautiful. Drawn by the heart. Drawn by the soul.
He will find his place and thrive without vexing his keeper. The man of honor that has kept him from self destruction and death. The man that existed before him and grows stronger by the day. This man will build a house for Apollo. A house with glass that doesn't shatter and furniture riddled with nails. A house where Apollo will do his best without hurting a soul. His lust, his conflict, his passion...is his art. Apollo will live. Behind smoke, strong drink and purpose...he will live...
Philippians 2:12 Work out your salvation with fear and trembling.
Consider this scripture and think for a minute. How does this fit in with grace? We don't "work" for salvation but we do "work" things "out"...or "outwardly". From a biblical standpoint, we work "out" what is within and that is all the good that God imparts.
How does this apply humanistically?
I have always held to the belief that all externals are luxuries based on all that our internals have to contribute by way of necessity. The "man in the mirror" that carries weight on shoulders, armor and all manner of pressure is far more important than anything you can acquire outside "self". That is the "richness" of all you bring to the table. Even healthy couples need "alone" time because it is this "alone" time that keeps alive the individuality that drew you in the first place. So find the place and time for this "man". Build and create castles that can house many but whose main chamber is yours. Find the art in you. Find your breath. Study the workings of your internal clock and fix it until it ticks just the way you want it. Stare at your innermost until you know "him" enough to present "him" everywhere you go. Raise "him" right...
Only then, will you find out what you are truly looking for...
A man loses his keys. He looks everywhere but he can't find them. He looks in his car, he looks in his home. Every place he goes...he looks. Frustration hits and he becomes consumed with those keys. One day he just says to himself "Eh, they'll turn up" and he goes about the business of "him". Without looking...they turn up in his coin pocket...
As the weather changes so does the man. The warm breeze carries with it warm thoughts of roses, parks and seas. Holding hands and dancing to heartbeats that sway the dancers side to side. While the beautiful come out to share what winter has hidden, onlookers gaze to admire. It's all in the breeze...the breeze that blankets you at night as you sleep. Causing you to dream with eyes wide open of all the great moments, places and people you've known. Places like Brooklyn, Queens, Bahrain, Texas and Florida. Places where the unforgettable took place. Places the man was made by grace alone.
Hoping to relive them against hope. Seeking for ways that overtake him by the wind...onward to the next experience. The hardness of the past becomes funny and lite as the grace he feels has the ability to melt even the hardest of hearts. Melting the stiffened neck that couldn't look up to see the stars. Melting the stiffened arms that couldn't provide an embrace. Melting even the heart that couldn't cry over real loss from so much hurt...now released to mourn and smile through the pain.
Weather has this power over the man...and he's so glad about it...
Is too proud to admit he loves his wife. He cannot say the words after being hurt by her but they are still true. Yet he doesn't know how to manifest such a thing in the midst of hurt. He doesn't want to be fooled. He doesn't want to be punked as a man. Yet with understanding her humanity, he can find the point to start from scratch. He can find reasons to excuse her behavior since it was all based on human frailty within her personal framework. He can make it work with a change of perspective.
This will happen at every beginning. Doubts creep in because time hasn't given you the luxury of knowledge. So you make mistakes along the way. You fail and get failed on. Creeping takes place and it's all because of the newness of the thing...something that could be overcome. Yet exhaustion sets in if you realize you've done all you can and your partner will not budge. THIS is when you walk away. THIS is when you decide that putting aside hurt is not worth it. This is when you say goodbye.
If there is love, do all you can to make it work but if disappointment has exhausted that love...move forward.. Let it go...
To let you know what it means to be human. It is to fail and accept failure in others. Usually receiving that same acceptance in return but sometimes...not at all. Being human, when there is care and love for someone you will in fact inquire about their well being, their state of mind and just overall care. Irrespective of what the situation has prevented from happening. Irrespective of closed lines of communication that have been shut off for good enough reason.
I saw someones town being demolished by a storm and I got worried enough to reach out...yet no answer. What difference does that make? What does all it all mean? It means I must now see this person as someone I can longer be human to since this has happened more than once. Not in a hurtful way, but in ways that will illicit the "I don't give a sh*t" response. After reaching out a few times, this is where my sense is leading me to. To a place where this person shouldn't even deserve a second thought. It may be callous but it's how I feel when she can't even say "I'm OK". I would have even accepted a "f*ck off". That at least would've given an indication she was OK.
In this instance, I have been able to hold on to my humanity through care, prayer and plain old understanding. Three things that allow you to love from a distance. This last incident has diminished my humanity in this specific regard and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. As such, there will now be as yet another measure of "letting go". I will be human to those that accept my humanity but to those that don't?...They can eat sh*t
You make choices in life and have to deal with the outcome of those choices...consequences.
Sometimes decisions you make create a chain reaction whose end feels like it will swallow you whole. Like walls closing in that keep you from seeing what's in front of you...and what's behind you. Everything becoming jumbled and confused. Like you're in a bad dream you cannot awaken from and that bad dream began with a decision. I've been here before...
Facing decisions made while very young. Gasping for air, trying to stay afloat without the shortcut. Making mistakes along the way and none of this revelatory sh*t making me feel any better. Yet since I am a man that is able to step outside himself and see all that's happening; I can chronicle surfacing emotions that come up mixed with fear...I can "tell" you. I dread the fact I have no "choice" and I have no "choice" because I never manufactured them when I was younger. My fate suffocates me. A fate that I drag like an anchor across numerous "finish lines" and even though it's there...I can see no end to my race.
Yet destiny has me pressing on. Even though I'm out of air and my muscles are cramped up. Even though I'm an incoherent babbling fool trying to look OK so no one worries. Even though sleepless nights create days immersed in stagnating fear when I cannot even afford the loss of seconds...I f*cking press on. Not being able to even enjoy minutes of diversion because in my mind, I have to "keep moving". A mindset that brings on a self-inflicted isolation.
Is this description over-dramatic complaint? Is it too much? No, it is what I am feeling at the time of this writing and it is something that in like times before...will pass. I always wrote that I would make myself an open book so that someone going through the same thing will never feel alone. Trust me you're not. I'm going through it and while I'm going through it...I f*cking hate it...
