Consequence...

You make choices in life and have to deal with the outcome of those choices...consequences.

Sometimes decisions you make create a chain reaction whose end feels like it will swallow you whole.  Like walls closing in that keep you from seeing what's in front of you...and what's behind you.  Everything becoming jumbled and confused.  Like you're in a bad dream you cannot awaken from and that bad dream began with a decision.  I've been here before...

Facing decisions made while very young.  Gasping for air, trying to stay afloat without the shortcut.  Making mistakes along the way and none of this revelatory sh*t making me feel any better.  Yet since I am a man that is able to step outside himself and see all that's happening;  I can chronicle surfacing emotions that come up mixed with fear...I can "tell" you.  I dread the fact I have no "choice" and I have no "choice" because I never manufactured them when I was younger.  My fate suffocates me.  A fate that I drag like an anchor across numerous "finish lines" and even though it's there...I can see no end to my race.

Yet destiny has me pressing on.  Even though I'm out of air and my muscles are cramped up.  Even though I'm an incoherent babbling fool trying to look OK so no one worries.  Even though sleepless nights create days immersed in stagnating fear when I cannot even afford the loss of seconds...I f*cking press on.  Not being able to even enjoy minutes of diversion because in my mind, I have to "keep moving".  A mindset that brings on a self-inflicted isolation. 

Is this description over-dramatic complaint?  Is it too much?  No, it is what I am feeling at the time of this writing and it is something that in like times before...will pass.  I always wrote that I would make myself an open book so that someone going through the same thing will never feel alone.  Trust me you're not.  I'm going through it and while I'm going through it...I f*cking hate it...