An easy night... a silent hush fell over him as he picked up his guitar and lit up a freshly scented candle that rested upon his glass side table. As he began to play, he had nothing on his mind but the moment in which he found himself... alone in a setting designed for lovers. A setting that inspired the artistic bohemian side of himself... and anyone else that entered felt the same. As he played, his phone buzzed on a text message from one of his "friends". "I'm coming over" was all she said. Surprising to him because she told him she'd be going out that night with a man that would shower her with gifts and time but apparently not much else. Texting one more time: "I have to see you". "OK" was his only response...
You see, he knew that this was his life but he really couldn't fully grasp it. He just knew that in his mind, there was no evil or malice in it as most might judge there to be. He almost felt like he was in service to women that deserved a night of passion or even a moment of solace. A well-earned moment of abandon for women that for the most part lived right and did right by many in life. Women that just needed to be desired, set free and allowed to be as wild as the moment inspired without judgment. Women... most men would be afraid to approach. He just couldn't understand "why him". In his heart he knew that the confusion he felt was never a self-esteem issue but moreso a "this is an uncommon thing" issue. He honestly never knew if this was a blessing or a curse. Blessed to make love to amazing women of quality... of heart, mind, body and soul, but cursed to live out life alone. You see, after a break-up, he had dispassionately come to the conclusion that he would never belong to anyone other than himself and his Lord... living out moments of beauty instead. All while leaving open the door, that if one would be able to sweep him off his own feet... he'd consider surrendering for more than just a moment. Given this, in his heart, the blessing always outweighed the curse by miles.
That night, he got himself ready for anything and when she showed up, he felt privileged beyond belief as he heard her detail how the date went and how the high priced gifts that were given couldn't deter her from thinking about seeing him. Instead of feeling the haughtiness that such a thing would normally feed, he felt humbled. To him, that feeling of humility was evidence that what he was experiencing was something pure and beautiful. A contradiction to what he would have thought just 10 years prior. As to that night, it seemed almost blessed... in a session that was long and passionate. Two souls saying "thank you for thinking of me and letting me in". Uncommitted lovers bathed in eternity in a world where "couples" were having to see therapists just to cope with being around each other for 10 minutes. Even if it was for the last time, in that moment, every time would be the only time. Making each time... something new and wonderful.
He would have only a handful like this and each one would be something special. Each one had a beautiful name and a favorite color. A favorite rose and/or flower. Each one liked a certain thing in bed and each one valued him for more than anything anyone could actually put down on some superficial list. Judge him all you want but never discount his experience or try to trivialize it with a cookie cutter explanation. He knew what he was to them... and what they meant (and still mean) to him. He was a blessed man then... and he's a blessed man today. He would tell you that today it is extremely difficult to find souls with the kind of mindset AND heart-set that are required for such experiences but he would also say that it is not impossible. It seems that many seem willing but when watched over time, most usually turn out to be unready for something like that. Given that, he counsels on the caveats most would not be able to handle living that kind of life.
As for himself, today, he's learned to navigate the winds better. To the point where he can finally say "come what may" without putting in much thought into what has already become second nature to him. Where everything can be much sweeter than it was before without consuming his life. With his mindset and heart-set enhanced, he remains open to the few... or "the one". He will be... what he will be.
~moses apollo
