I wish I could say exactly but all I know is that "these are they..."
They see too much. They hear what others can't. They see the beginnings of things and their eventual end. They can spot the deception in what is called "the way". They can spot the truth in the lie and the lies that soil the waters of truth. They see the pillars that have fortified man becoming subtly consumed by darkness with no way to stop it. They stand alone...and will ever be so. Why do they exist? What do they do with such knowledge? Are they being prepared for something? Are they to speak out even though no other eyes will see what they see? Are they to just watch until their time comes? What does "their time" even mean?
They've come through much and experienced the limits of what is called "man"...awaiting something beyond even themselves. They now trudge along a path clear by all the signs that no one else adheres to anymore...
Their sanity is now called "madness"...truly alone...
Their eyes fasten them to a path that is mired in shadow until the day...
I cannot complain when I feel slighted by some things that become routine because I fear that my complaint will produce an empty gesture that should have come without a word being said. I can count those moments on two hands. Those that came from the heart. Those that are real...they last a very long time folks. They came as a surprise to me. Those are too few and far between for me. I'm usually the one to see my own fault before anyone else has the time to complain about it. I will admit my fault and repent. If I'm wrong, I won't fight to win an argument. Shit I'm not perfect but damn. I feel like I perpetrated this myth that I can't be hurt no matter what. I need nothing. I've even said so on this blog but I'll tell you the truth. Hold up that wall long enough and your muscles will look to outlast your tendons. That shit don't heal folks unless you stay immobile for a very long time. Time and stillness I cannot afford. It can and will wear you down.
I remember feeling like a fish out of water when I received a Christmas gift. I didn't even know how to display appreciation. The look on their face as they looked at me was one of confusion. I may have said "thank you" too many times but it was empty. I am the man with a thousand dollars in his pocket sportin fucked up boots because I'm afraid someone in my circle might need something. I'm always last on my list. Noble or stupid...I don't fuckin know. It's just sad that I didn't know how to react. Truth is I still don't.
I trudge along this life spectating as I go. I see so many patterns. I see the inception and death of ideas. The incarnation of fads that lose their meaning in the zombified mob only to retain their originally intended effect. It is the very reason why I despise the convention of the mob. Fads are fickle. They are meaningless. They come in a wave and are washed right back out to sea. To adhere to most trends, you must be willing to accept the hypocrisy behind their adoption...
I'll tell you why. A man does three years in prison. He quickly comes to learn there are "signs" he needs to look out for. Among these signs, he comes to learn about "sagging". A way to wear one's pants so that half of his ass is showing. He finds out that those that wear their pants this way are sending out a clear signal that they are ready to get fucked in the ass...prison love. He is repulsed and certain that he will never wear his pants like that. He is "sure as hell" not about to ever give out that signal.
Well, after three years, he comes out into the world and to his dismay, he sees that "sagging" has been made popular by rap culture. Every wanna be "thug" now finds it cool to inadvertently say "hey, I'd like to get fucked in the ass too". This man maintains his ground. For a about a year he bucks the trend and stays true to his conviction. Even going so far as to letting people know what it really means "to sag". OK? Then what? Well, since most of the friends and family he hangs with are "street", they "saggin" too. After a while...this grown as man is doin the same shit...
What happened to the stern determination he found in the logic of all he lived? What happened to "I would never..."? All that shit went out the fuckin door because homeboy couldn't stand the heat of remaining sane in an insane world. You know that cat. The cat that feels ashamed just sittin in a club sippin on his drink while everyone else dances. He eventually gets up to dance even though he really didn't want to. You see, we all make determinations based on the logic of cause and effect. We reason, within seconds, whether or not the cause is worth the effect and it is through that reasoning that we create our own boundaries. Boundaries that allow us to maintain structure within our worlds. Boundaries that are strong enough to keep the "crazies" out. Boundaries that are flexible enough to bend but so strong they can never be broken. Our jail-buddy became a hypocrite by adopting something he knew would debase him based on all he lived for three long years. Not to be passed over by the trends, he sought rationalization for his "change of heart" so he said to himself..."hey, that's what it means in prison, that's not why I'm doing it". Mother fucker thought it looked stupid and he was right. It's intended signal only added to his logic. Now, he swears he looks hot this way. Now, he's the shit lol So what happened?
Weakness...
Read that word over and over again. Understand that we have all fallen victim to it's wiles. Understand that those of us that have wrestled with it can identify it better than most. Now read it again. I have seen too many good people stand for something for so long, only to be swept away by it's shallowed, empty wave. We thought our foundation strong enough to keep us sane but we were wrong. Our foundations went unattended while termites and corrosion took hold...weakening them daily. Thinking ourselves flexible, we thought we could stand living on the beach...we were so very wrong...
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 5:3
The rich man has everything handed to him. He has no need to move. He can sit still for the rest of his life and never worry. He can buy his strength...even though it would weaken him. He's happy...
The poor man must scrape everyday for his existence. He finds meaning and purpose in every dollar he earns. The gas bill, the night's meal and the winter coat for his boy. His check is gone...until the next one. He's not...
Who will live longer? Who will be stronger?
Figure it out ;-)
~Apollo
My spirit is "poor" in perpetuity...even if wealth should take hold
Matthew 10:16 Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. The serpent drags across the earth. Seemingly vulnerable...seemingly weak. Yet the serpent studies his prey. He knows all vulnerability. He knows where to strike to cause the most damage and his venom is meant to immobilize and sometimes...even kill. The dove is beautiful and his domain is the sky. White and pleasing to the eye. There is no danger to him and he is revered as the symbol of peace. The "end to war and battle"...mercy... What is the man that masters the where and the when? What is the man that can war to the end, self-assured of victory, that can show mercy when wisdom lets him know it will be more effective? He is unstoppable. Loved and feared... Honored and despised...all at the same time... That is a free man What fear and joy is there when you begin to see the beginnings of such a creature emerging within... ~Moses AKA "No One"
What does it mean to see? To really "see"? What does it take for someone to absorb the reality of all that surrounds them without truly going insane?
I'm gonna tell you...
Gnostics are supposed to be the ultimate truth of Christianity. They are supposed to lead the faithful to the fullness of what is called the "Christ". Yeah OK...
I have waged intellectual battles with all "faiths" when I took on the role of apologist but none challenged me more than the Gnostic. Why? Because I was approached with a challenge..."You think you have the whole truth but you really don't...". A gauntlet that weighed on me...heavy for an answer to this cocky little prick. One I picked up in fear and one that taught me the greatest lesson I would ever learn.
Gnosis is the Greek word for "science". It is referenced by Paul in his first letter to Timothy as "the falsely so-called gnosis" that has ensnared those zealous for the truth. In other words, this new doctrine was appealing to seekers of truth because it was supposed to offer them the secrets of Christ's power. It offered more than just belief. It offered them a supposed formulaic "hidden truth" that would endow them with the power of miracles, healing and immortality. Something truth seekers would have no choice but to look into. When confronted I must admit...it scared the shit out of me. What if all I had believed was wrong? What if this was the truth? My stubborn pride said "fuck it, let's find out". It literally took about two days to unravel this shit to nothing.
I found out that the so-called "Gospels" they relied on were written well after Christ's disciples had passed on. In other words, they were "inspired". Unlike Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, they held no eyewitness account. It was empty. This is what they referenced to produce "The Last Temptation Of Christ". Everytime you hear about a "new discovery that will rock Christianity", it is usually a Gnostic text that contradict the four gospels we have. I could site references but that is not what this post is about. At the time of the warning by Paul, they had no scripture but held to ideas inspired by "Simon the Magus" who incidentally died when he told his 12 disciples to bury him and dig him up in 3 days. Unlike Christ, he never revived lol
My journey through this one was spiritually taxing but once again, the truth solidified my freedom to faith. Truth based in logic. Please understand that even "ancient discoveries" can be produced by liars and just like the liars of the day, they are meaningless. The Bible is as solid as they come. It has stood the test of Archaeology and history. Tried in the realm of "science" only to further validate it's foundation. Today, detractors seem to want to ignore all that has been discovered and rely on the fact that people are lazy when it comes to information. In other words, no one will think to challenge their thesis. I could say anything I want today and so long as I stick a PHD next to my name, all I say will be considered incontestable. I am no respecter of persons. I don't give a shit what title you hold. If you're full of shit, you're full of shit...and I will be calling you on it.
Now, back to my Gnostic experience...
He said I could only know if I came to his meeting. They had "the truth". They alone had the secrets to the universe. After my two days in insanity, I came and told him all he believed and it shook him. You see, I wasn't supposed to know the truth. I took all I immersed myself in at the extremity of the pendulum and came back to my center to examine it all. Had I stayed in that extreme, I would have been overtaken by confusion. Why do some people go insane? It is because they get lost within the extreme. These are the people that see black helicopters everywhere buzzing around above the tin foil hats they wear. Those people get lost in the maze called "conspiracy" because they decided to remain in the extreme, adopting it's nature of confusion. No people, understand that within every extreme, there are huge potholes of error. You are "centered" when you have the ability to see the errors. This loosens "conspiracy's" grip allowing you to see from the outside in. This is how you process extremes. You never allow them to take hold.
In politics and life, there are two extremes and a center. As God is triune, so are we. Our spirit wants only good, our flesh only wants for itself and our soul executes the choice between the two. Some get lost in the flesh and some get lost in the spirit and the truth is we must be fully aware of where our direction is coming from. Your soul will ask why and if you are strong enough, you will visit each side to get to know them better. This will allow you to make an informed decision. All this takes place in a matter of seconds but if you know yourself you will take that extra minute and make the right choice. This process allows you to never take anything at face value. It demands information and for this information, one must visit areas of depth that can overtake the soul. It's like diving into water to see what's below and never coming up for air. All that surrounds you is water. Sometimes the water is littered with feces and other times, it's adorned by underwater beauty. Come up for air and you will be able to see there is way more than what's beneath the surface...there is a sky.
I doused myself in the flesh and came to the conclusion that I was an alcoholic. When I finally came up for air I came to find that the only thing wrong with me was insomnia. I did everything to get myself to sleep. Even going so far as to take antidepressants which made me believe I was a junkie. Nope, I just wanted to sleep. I came up only to understand how far I could go before I broke. I now manage all self expectation with the benefit of wisdom. I found out what my strengths were and decided to cultivate them. What was needed to compensate for weakness.
Examine who you are at extremes. Take that pendulum to the extremities of the dark side and the light but just make sure to never stay there. Come up for air...come to your "senses" and don't ever forget...
Sometimes people will ask you to sit on the passenger side so that you could read the signs as they drive. They ask you this to avoid distractions or accidents. No problem right? You oblige. Do you know what happens when they get sick of your voice? They will tell you "I can read, shut the fuck up". What to do in that situation...hmmm.
Open the door, jump out and get back on your own road. Let them read their own fuckin signs...
I listen to music without words. Where there is no need for outside influence to my interpretation of it's beauty. I can imagine flight. I can feel passion. I can see flame and hear the laughter. My approach is the dream every artist has for the listener. To see themselves in the pieces they produce.
All my views come to me in silence. Affording me the time needed to chew, to digest and when all is fully processed...to regurgitate all I see. All without the distraction of argument. This is how bare truth comes to light.
You want to know the truth of what's going on in the world around you? Seek it out without the aid of influence in either direction. Judge for yourself why presidents lie. Why populations steal. Look at all the pieces on the chessboard without the scheming whisper of agenda...even your own.
Throw away the newspaper. Turn off your TV and ride the information superhighway that is graciously at your disposal. Chew all you've seen. Digest it awhile. Process it fully and when your done, stand your ground in the knowledge you have acquired. When your ready, turn on your TV and get ready to throw up. The disgust I feel for all these hucksters we put our trust in is astounding. What's even worse are the masses that regurgitate without even knowing why. They rest on a phrase handed them by the agenda driven without ever knowing if it's true or not.
And to speak plain...
If you are losing your insurance and are surprised, I have no sympathy for you. If you are stunned that this great country of ours has lost the respect of our allies and the fear of our enemies, you should be ashamed of yourself. You held up your sticker of "Hope and Change" with pride and pulled your lever with the certainty of a child. If I knew it was bullshit...you should've known too...
Stop being intellectually lazy. Wake the fuck up...
When the time comes, I will pen all I have seen with the brutality of an accomplished assassin...but not yet...
~Apollo
PS:
My days and nights of artistry have been put on hold that I may be able to build my 12X12 encasing without distraction. It is just as equally a labor of love as is my passion. I have cut off one ear...I still have one left...
We all have roads we choose to travail. Where we meet our destination with disappointment when we find out that what we were expecting doesn't materialize. I've gone up many roads to my designated spot expecting to find someone there only to turn back when they weren't. It's nothing new for me.
It takes trust for that but trust wears thin when it happens one too many times. So then?...
My roads now take me to the halfway points of a measured goal. These cannot disappoint. They pass or fail at my own hand. They are mine and no one else's. If I get there and find I was wrong then the only disappointment is on me. That other shit sucks and leaves you with unanswered questions. Thoughts that years could never silence. Hurt that you couldn't foresee. Every time I'm unsure about a thing, I focus on my road and leave some wiggle room for a pleasant surprise...
I can remember a sixteen year old. Devoted to God and all that came with such devotion. He would stand up alone if he had to change things he knew were wrong...and it would always cost him.
He fondly remembers the fellowship of a choir, anointed by the Spirit. Not because of the sweet sounds they were endowed with but because every rehearsal had turned into a "one step closer to God" session and God, as a result, found favor with every performance. They sang for Him and to Him alone. God visited every song with grace. He can vividly remember the first note of "Amazing Grace" flowing like water upon the masses and God's anointing producing inevitable success. Success that would soon fuel the foolish pride of all those involved.
This sixteen year old and a few dear friends saw the peril of it and thought to speak out in an open meeting. Before the meeting, he counted the heads of the brave and found them few but he went ahead anyway. He stood up in a meeting of about 40 and voiced his concern only to be ridiculed and challenged by the leader. When asked, "Is there anyone else that agrees with you?", he said yes but would not point them out. The leader challenged the group directly and asked "Who else agrees with him?!?!" The young man only said "To stand or not...it's up to them". The young man could see peripherally his very dear friend who just minutes prior had said would back him up...lower his head in fear and shame. The young man left the choir that day and dusted his feet in protest. He knew that in most things, he would only have God's backing...and although it may be lonely at times, it would be enough.
The following week's meeting produced several more like him. He would hear that they stood up one by one to voice their concerns. That the desire to grow in number and fame was taking the place of the silent fellowship they had developed with the Creator that made it all possible. The leader would not listen and in time, the choir would disband. The young man would take no pleasure in being right. He was only grieved that the warnings were never heeded and the hurt he felt that day would fester throughout his life.
He would face several trials like this. He would challenge authority when no one else would and at 34, it all came full circle. He was commissioned to go to Bahrain as a "Person In Charge" on board several dredging vessels. It was a figurehead position but he didn't take it lightly. He went to work just as he had on all the other vessels he had worked on. Yet he began to see injustice all around him. The Filipinos, the Africans and the Indians would work like slaves for a fifth of the pay the American workers earned. They were housed like cattle in rooms while the Americans all had flats in the major cities. It was a disgrace. He befriended most of the crew and when it came time to rectify a small matter for one of the hardest working Filipinos there, he was told it wasn't any of his business and he should keep quiet. He heard it directly from the big boss himself. The man gloated about the fact he could fire and treat these workers anyway he wanted without account. The man quietly seethed inside and for the rest of his time there...he would openly rebel.
He flaunted his friendships and freedom among the "bigs". He would go out every night and show up whenever he felt like it. The crew protected him as much as they could...something else he would revel in. Eventually, the big boss tried to make his stay there miserable and the man just responded with a dismissive chuckle. Here was someone that wasn't afraid of him. Here was someone that scoffed at his nickname "terminator" and there was shit all "terminator" could do about it. He needed his figurehead. This would finally end once need of him was over and that's when the blowup happened. No one really knew what fueled his rebellion but he had to make a point to everyone. Your dignity is worth more than a paycheck...as is your manhood.
They met one night on the bridge of a ship. Big boss thought it prudent to threaten the man with a finger pointed at his face and the man lost it. All he could see was big boss's blood on his hands and in controlled anger, he told big boss all that needed saying. Going so far as to call big boss a piece of shit to his face for thinking he was god in a foreign land. Again, the leader wouldn't listen. This "terminator" fearfully stood behind a few men and arranged the man's flight home. Later, the man would come to find out that his friend, that had been treated like garbage as well, was received like a dignitary on his return trip to Bahrain. Meals, a driver and freedom were at his disposal. They couldn't afford another loss so they treated him like the king he was. The man told his friend what happened and his friend, rightfully milked it for all it was worth. His friend told him that witnesses had said they really thought they were about to witness a murder. No people, I stand true to my words...self control measures a man's worth. Moses...is worth a lot.
In time, big boss was demoted to a desk job and many that oversaw the garbage that went on were sent home without pay. And so it went...full circle.
Years later, it still haunts him. Resentment in a cocktail of righteous indignation fuels his desire to return with rank and wisdom. Just as Moses returned to Egypt in the office of the Prophet, this Moses has a keen focus to return in an office he has been carved out into. This is not about a dream...it is about purpose and design...
"...we made our beds and now we hate where these be..."
At one time or another, I have been both blessed and cursed to be you. I have seen what you've seen and been where you've been. I have done things in the light that didn't need the cover of darkness and I have done things in the dark you would never accept in the light. Things that always rise to the surface of daylight.
As such, I can be all things to all men.
My father told me once not to play with matches. He said I would get burned. So I decided to do it behind his back. He knew. Why? He had a burn-mark to prove he was right. I never told him I just burned the hell out of myself but somehow I knew he already knew. I now carry the same mark. He just looked at it with indifference and never said a word. I finally got it...
The lesson? Kids, keep playing with fire...you'll get burned soon enough. Don't come cryin to me. I let you know that would happen. The most I'll do now is tell you there's a pharmacy up the block.
How does wisdom dictate? It allows you to see through patience, experience...and time.
Epiphany...
I saw her sitting at the bottom of a well. Cold, hungry and unkempt. I looked everywhere for a rope and when I failed to find one strong enough to lift her, I borrowed money from unseemly types. I bought the strongest rope you could imagine and dropped it down into the well. From the top, I yelled at her to set her torso into the noose I had fashioned...no response.
I decided to climb down to see if maybe she needed help getting in the noose only to have her push away the rope at every turn. For days I tried to reason with her to no avail. Then, just as I was set to give up, the unseemly types I had borrowed money from pulled up the rope...leaving me in the well to suffer her same fate...
I took on her odor. I felt the same hunger pains and lack of rest. Despair almost overtook my soul in the darkness of that place but I fought it at every turn. I soon came to find that she had accepted her fate. She had accepted the idea that the only thing she could do was sail through the winds of a fate she still had the power and strength to change. Not me...I, through seething anger and hurt, found my way out of the well, saddened the whole time because I knew I was leaving her behind. You see, after some time, wisdom spoke a thing to me. I knew that if there was ever a chance to help her again; one, she would have to want my help and two, I would need to be strong enough to pull her up when that time came. That would mean I would have to walk away. I would have to bury all care for her under lock and key. Not do away with it, but keep it in a place in my heart where it would not have any effect on my progress. I would have to disconnect...
In time, I became strong again and after paying back the unseemly types...I bought my own rope. Every once and a while I drop the rope down into the well. I wait like a fisherman waits for a bite. I watch her from atop and throw down food whenever I can but I will never again make the same mistake I did before. I will not go down into that well unless I know for certain that she is willing to break her fingers to get out. Why? Because then I will be certain she will never want to go back into that well ever again and all my efforts would not have been in vain...
To all the wise. We know what we know and it is not for the sake of pride I mention this. Knowing what needs doing obligates us to do what we know to do and that can really hurt sometimes. It will cause you to deny yourself selfish things more times than not and give you a bad taste for vain endeavors...what most people call "fun". Leaving you with a handful of friends. In my humble opinion...that's a small price to pay for all you get in return but it still remains a heavy price nonetheless. You may have someone that is addicted to a subtle vice that is difficult to peg as evil but you have seen this vice destroy them and yourself. You cried with them and fought with them for more only to come to the sad conclusion that you care about them more then they do for themselves. Sorry but sometimes, all you can do is walk away, watch and wait to determine your next move. Don't get dirty with them unless unless you are certain they are willing to get clean. This is true in many circumstances and carries with it the heavy heart of eventuality. You hope against hope that it never has to come to that but all you see has you convinced...it will.
I waited...and I saw all I needed to see. I know what comes next...for me...
"...because the wind is high...it blows my mind..."
I have never known a song to be so simple and so deep at the same time. I love The Beatles thanks to my father. Those over-sized speakers blasted their first album every weekend at 944 42nd street. Right there along with the Rolling Stones. I would just sit and watch my dad dance in a drunken stupor to this great music never knowing the imprint it would have on me.
I learned to listen...
The Beatles are an example of the evolution in man expressed in art. From cheesy and naive to deep and mature. I love their music and this piece, I would come to learn...could "explain" me. Yeah, something like that...
"...All day long I'm sitting singing songs for everyone..."
We all have trajectories we set upon. We start our engines, hit the gas and hope to make it to our destination in time. Sometimes though, we are thrown off course by duty. Sometimes though, we see a soul on the side of the road needing our help. We stop and offer them a ride only to find that they not only need a ride...but food and shelter too. Your trip is now on the back-burner.
How many times has this happened? Too many to count. Don't get me wrong, this is not a complaint but an acknowledgement of this truth and maybe, just maybe...there's more to it than just a delay in plans. You see we all have our "office" in this life and if when called upon to officiate we shrink due to personal goals, then it means I am only to willing to expend all currency on myself. I ask you...where is the "eternal" in that?
Some are there to drive her and lay her in a warm bed. Others are there to make the right calls and make sure all forthcoming information is up to date. While others are there to make sure all the loose ends are tied together once the dust settles. Whatever your role in this life, never shrink away from your duty. There is something I must do for someone I care about...I'm just waiting on my cue. While I wait, my goals proceed on slow autopilot. It's just how it is people...
I begin this post with the murmurs of a hospital room. Sullen eyes cracking jokes and nurses not knowing what to do with themselves...
My mother went to the ER last night. She couldn't breathe right while at the same time suffering through heart palpitations. My sister thought it wise to take her to the emergency room. She was right. Turns out, she might have a blood clot leading to her lungs and anyone that knows anything will tell you...that's serious.
I went to see her not only because she is my mother, but because I sought confirmation of something I've known all along...she will not die in a hospital. I arrived to find a feisty, stubborn woman intent on getting to work on Tuesday. She got her nights sleep thanks to Tramadol and to her, that's all she needed to keep going through her impossible life. To convince her to stay involved mind tricks and subtle manipulation. How do you tell a stubborn, tough as nails woman, something she does not want to hear? Shit, it ain't easy lol She sees everything before you do so she has prepared answers for it all.
I'm gonna tell you all something...she is one of my gauges to what happens to my sister, my brother and I. As Matriarch, she has a certain place and I am fully aware of all that means. She will face it all first. What's good, what's bad and all grace. I do not take this lightly. To see her stubbornness was something of a spectacle...but a welcome one at that.
Please pray for both her and my sister...they will need it...
They are both at the end of a very long trial. Their rest is just about due. I pray they will recognize it when it comes...
"...a heart that's made of gold couldn't beat at all..."
I went to Bogota tonight with Millie and Josh. Great food and a nice tasting "Old Fashioned". It was a good night. I sat facing the crowd as is my custom and maybe that was a mistake. My peripherals could notice glances frequently coming my way. I don't know, maybe it was that they never seen some muscle before...I could give a shit. My son confirmed what was happening so no, it wasn't delusions of fucking grander...so my head stayed down. You know why? Because in that moment, I was with my son and a woman I not only love, but have the utmost respect for. I'm not about to sully that by playing the "boy". You know what I'm talking about. The boy that would make all those who glance believe they have a shot at what they admire. That's just bullshit.
Someone had a dream that I had done that and that is not me. If I am with you...I AM with you. Even if it's just for a moment. No one else matters. The sun can entreat me and I will not budge. You can walk away and I will remain yours...no one else's. I have always been this way. My father mentioned it to me once when I was seventeen. We came out of our building and he mentioned the obvious. He said "I notice that when women look at you, you look down", "why do you do that?" I told him the truth..."I would never want a woman to do that to me, to purposefully draw another man's attention...if I would demand that of her, why would I not demand that of myself?". People, it's just about respect. You either have it or you don't. Why men place rules on who they're with that they can't live up to themselves? Whether it's rules you place on each other or not...it's still just a matter of respect. Who I am will not violate this rule I placed upon myself. I cannot understand anything else...
I don't want to because it's all just "boy" shit. Knowing this difference is one the many things that separates the men from the boys...
I'm not "superman". I'm just a man that believes rules are there for a reason. I'm more than just "good"...
Apollo defies convention...Moses seeks to redefine it... We were both "born to die"...
Moses and Apollo have met on the battle field many times. Often ending in a draw with a terse..."I'll see you again"...
Both share the greatness of quality. Both reckless...but for different reasons. Two alpha males seeking supremacy. Always...one over the other. The grand idea? What if they were to join forces? What if they stopped fighting for the home they lived in and learned to share responsibilities?
What would ascend from those ashes? The best of both worlds co-existing in a blaze of principled flame. Where the uncontrollable found purpose...direction. Shit wouldn't that be something?
I guess we'll find out soon enough.
~Apollo
P.S.: Yeah, I'm still lookin for what my Homie's descibed as my "Phoenix rise". It's gotta be something special...
Art is truth in earnest. To catch it you have to treat it like a butterfly. Watch how it flies, cup your hands along it's trajectory and gently grab it. Too hard and you will kill it. Too soft and it will elude you...
The madman now sane, enters the rooms he once scribbled truths upon. Standing in the center of where it all began, he remembers writing in every space he could find. Never for a people, never for a prize...but just so that he would never forget.
His memory takes him to a man that saw more than his world could handle. His writings would never see the light of day. A glance at a saying causes him to loosen his tie. The reading of a parable removes his shoes and jacket. At the end of the longest day of his life, he finally removes all his clothes. Standing there naked, he now understands that he has lost his sanity. That what all considered to be "mad" was in truth more than just sane. Naked now, he wants it back. He sits on his old floor. He waits patiently in his new reality...to find ways to make the old relevant again.
Physical refinement for me is an extension of what is internal. It serves me as that last gust of wind to drive me past the point I've never been. Looking good is not enough reason for me to go through the pains of physical progress. It's superficial bullshit to put oneself through such rigors just to look good on the beach. No, my people. For me...this is art and as such, it is life. You fight against the "heavy" so that everything else wanes "light" by comparison. You feel me yet?
It's time now to shed the last of my past limitations and break through my ceiling to be able to see the next one I have to tear down. We never stop growing. We never stop improving. The day we do...we die. I still have years of life in me even if I feel spread thin through time. Even if I've lived and died a thousand times...I still have much to do. I told you all...I ain't done yet.
"Lord may Your mercy, truth and strength take me to my end that I may be able to reset my clock towards my new beginning"
"...Not that I ever try to be a saint...I love the old fashioned things..."
Tonight I bought all the ingredients to one of my favorites drinks..."The Old Fashioned". First time out I made it too strong. My two boys became four after two sips. This from a man that drinks Absinthe on the regular...conyo that was strong. I waited till my buzz wore off and I tried again, this time getting it just right.
Truth is, I've tasted better but damn I just love walkin up to someone and surprising them with the request..."I'd like an Old Fashioned". It throws people off and I love throwin people off. I write things that on the surface mean one thing but after a few reads...means something else entirely. I love hiding in plain sight. Well, I was at Uno's a couple of days ago with Millie and I had ordered an Old Fashioned from the young waitress. It wasn't on the menu but she went, asked and viola...very good. The table behind us had sounds of an old geezer hacking up a lung while he chewed his food. I heard the young lady sitting across from him mid convo tell him "it's just cause your Old Fashioned". His response was fuckin right on. This man obviously Italian, had some real miles on him. I could tell he was Italian because I heard him use the phrase "and he says to her..." several times lol It was so classic and stereotypical...it was perfect.
He said "it's not "Old Fashioned" to do what's right", "to take care of your family and come right home after work", "if that's what people call old fashioned then yeah...I'm Old Fashioned". Fuckin classic...fuckin spot on lol
You see, it's not about being a saint, it's about doing what's real and what's real demands the truth of what we know to be right. Experience and wisdom affords us the details of all that means. The older generations never had to deal with the luxuries of "excess". They dealt with the realities of "what was". Food on the table and a roof over your head. Where entertainment was nature herself. The sun, the moon, the stars and beauty as is presented by God as opposed to some "Youtube" video. Cable?!? Cellphone?!? Car?!?! Nope... Our "working poor" have all these luxuries today and with that, every single distraction from reality that comes with it. I cannot decry technology but the man or woman that fails to see how these things can become a crutch is a fool...
People, I was never one for fads or stereotypes. I always stood by and watched the lemmings "follow" a thing they would never truly like except for the sake of "fitting in". I never gave a shit about the latest clothes or music I was "supposed" to love. If it came out of a 99 cents store and I looked good in it...shit I would wear it lol If music didn't make sense to me, even those beloved "Top 10 hits"...I'd turn the dial real quick. I just really never needed anyone else's approval. At first glance, I'd be looked upon as "out of touch" but in full view...I was just my own man. Fuck em if they didn't like it.
So I say fuck this "me first" society. Yeah, you need for "you" but at what point do you realize that doing for others is "doing for you" as well? At what point do you sacrifice a "want" for someone in "need"? I've said "go fix yourself first before you try to fix anyone else" and it is a truth. It's just that too many people stay on that tip and never get to the point of "fixing someone else". Time to grow up people. Do for others...and do it gladly. You might just find that in doing so, you'll find evidence of just how far you've come. I'm sorry is that too "Old Fashioned"? Yeah, maybe it is...
But hey...it's me...
~Apollo
P.S.
I haven't gotten my email unblocked yet mainly cause I'm scared at what I'll find. Who has sought me and who hasn't? I don't know if I really want to know that lol I'll try to get on it this week...maybe. In the meantime, find me here...in the boonies of the web...inside myself...
"...my spiritual brother would walk the halls saying..."Y entonces?"..."
Most of our cities are built by people. The Empire State building, "Times Square" and all that surrounds it. Just like the cities we live in, our internal cities, are built by God and people He decides to bring our way. My city? My city had a worker bee named Huey. A janitor at the "Atrium Palace". A beautiful high rise out of Ft. Lee, New Jersey where I worked as a Doorman/Concierge. Fresh in a marriage and so very young, someone landed me a job there. I felt like a fish out of water but shit I was good. I got along with everybody but would soon find out that my hiring had a personal motive behind it. You see it turns out the boss needed a replacement for the guy before me...he was fucking the shit out of her. I guess she thought I could fit the bill. I saw the advances and paid no mind. Soon, my spiritual leanings became clear but by then, God had given me grace with the tenants in the building, so firing me was out of the question lol It was a crazy ride but nothing I couldn't handle...even then.
Huey...my brother. What can I say about Huey? He and his brother were Trinidadian. They both had been there awhile. Huey as a janitor and his brother as night security. Huey was as spiritually inclined as I was while his brother was the polar opposite. Thankfully, I got along very well with them both. They became brothers to me. Huey would at times roam the halls saying "Y entonces?" and other times, he would be praying in tongues out loud. You all with "ears to hear" understand what that means. His brother would share life experiences with me the times I worked nights and it was the first time I would learn what it was to actually be "all things to all men". As for the building itself? I won't say who lived there but you would know them if I did. It was that kind of building. CEO's of companies we all know and love. Shit, even some celebs left there footprints there from time to time. It was an easy ride for me to say the least...except for one thing...
This was the first place I had been challenged to cheat on my wife. The first place where all I had to do was reach out and say "thank you". The very first place where I was challenged with the the proposition of "no one will ever know, I just want you for a night". This is where I learned that commitment meant something. Where I would be faced with an internal challenge. Where the foundations to my internal buildings would begin.
I was challenged on a weekly basis. Rich women and their daughters, sought openings with me. I think it had more to do with the fact that the guy before me had made it commonplace than the idea I was this "stud". It became a fiasco my co-workers laughed about while I "bobbed and weaved" finding ways to hold my ground as a married man without jeopardizing my job. You see I believed in the oath I took on my wedding day and I knew I could not violate it. That crazy idea coupled with the love I had for my wife was enough to keep me standing. It was tough but thanks to God's strength...I made it through with a new-found understanding. The understanding of speaking a thing...and sticking to it.
Why do I mention Huey? Because an off the cuff statement he made crystallized my purpose for being there. One day he witnessed just a taste of what I was enduring and said to me..."Now I know why the Lord had you marry so young...". So many things rushed through my soul after that statement and today, I understand them all. I value the institution of marriage. I divorced because in truth, I never wanted to violate that institution the way every other male in my family had done...among other factors of course. They have ALL failed. They have all cheated and I knew I had that in me. It would have been all too easy for me to do and seeing what all the females in family went through...I knew Millie never deserved to experience that kind of pain.
Now we come to today...I said it already. "What if" is for children. Looking back at my life, I know I would have been a false minister. A man without a compass. I would have been preaching the Gospel by day and fucking parishioners by night. I would have made a serious mess of things and ruined many lives. Being the man I am, I know this to be true. I accept now that God knew what he was doing. My marriage gave me that compass and taught me self-control by way of honor. Every job I had tested me since and thankfully, I passed even the most difficult. Even the ones where God knew to intervene.
These experiences taught me the value of a "word". The value of what is spoken. I do not subscribe to the idea that a man's job is to dip his dick wherever he can. I do subscribe to the idea that a vow is a vow. I, by the grace of God, upheld my end. My vow remains sacred. Nothing can ever change that. As for my job, after nine months, I would be fired. My boss sought a reason and I willingly gave it to her...I was almost always late lol Oh well...
Folks, God created you, myself and this universe by His Word. If you believe this then you must understand the power behind all you say. Never say I love you unless you mean it and if you are married...stick to the vow you have made on your wedding day. Be a man and woman of honor...
My city has a damn good foundation and this is why I choose to rebuild upon it. My buildings may need repair but my foundation remains solid...
Oh yeah, just one more thing. Huey's phrase..."Y entonces?" in English is loosely translated..."what's next?". Think about that question the next time you decide to do anything foolish...
You know, alot of my writing as of late has had a purpose behind it. Mainly to express the internal learning process as it unfolds but also...to impart it's wisdom. It is therefore my distinct pleasure to have come across this letter.
Sinead O'Connor, an icon of the 90's and a woman that valued her womanhood as much as her talent, wrote an open letter to Miley Cirus. It is an impressive piece of truth. I can't add a thing but just to say...wow.
Dear Miley,
I wasn’t going to write this letter, but today I’ve been dodging phone calls from various newspapers who wished me to remark upon your having said in Rolling Stone your Wrecking Ball video was designed to be similar to the one for Nothing Compares… So this is what I need to say… And it is said in the spirit of motherliness and with love.
I am extremely concerned for you that those around you have led you to believe, or encouraged you in your own belief, that it is in any way 'cool' to be naked and licking sledgehammers in your videos. It is in fact the case that you will obscure your talent by allowing yourself to be pimped, whether it’s the music business or yourself doing the pimping.
Nothing but harm will come in the long run, from allowing yourself to be exploited, and it is absolutely NOT in ANY way an empowerment of yourself or any other young women, for you to send across the message that you are to be valued (even by you) more for your sexual appeal than your obvious talent.
I am happy to hear I am somewhat of a role model for you and I hope that because of that you will pay close attention to what I am telling you.
The music business doesn’t give a s*** about you, or any of us. They will prostitute you for all you are worth, and cleverly make you think it's what YOU wanted... and when you end up in rehab as a result of being prostituted, 'they' will be sunning themselves on their yachts in Antigua, which they bought by selling your body and you will find yourself very alone.
None of the men oggling you give a s*** about you either, do not be fooled. Many’s the woman mistook lust for love. If they want you sexually that doesn’t mean they give a f*** about you. All the more true when you unwittingly give the impression you don’t give much of a f*** about yourself, and when you employ people who give the impression they don’t give much of a f*** about you either. No one who cares about you could support your being pimped... and that includes you yourself.
Yes, I’m suggesting you don’t care for yourself. That has to change. You ought be protected as a precious young lady by anyone in your employ and anyone around you, including you. This is a dangerous world. We don’t encourage our daughters to walk around naked in it because it makes them prey for animals and less than animals, a distressing majority of whom work in the music industry and its associated media.
You are worth more than your body or your sexual appeal. The world of showbiz doesn’t see things that way, they like things to be seen the other way, whether they are magazines who want you on their cover, or whatever... Don’t be under any illusions.. ALL of them want you because they’re making money off your youth and your beauty... which they could not do except for the fact your youth makes you blind to the evils of show business. If you have an innocent heart you can’t recognise those who do not.
I repeat, you have enough talent that you don’t need to let the music business make a prostitute of you. You shouldn’t let them make a fool of you either. Don’t think for a moment that any of them give a flying f*** about you. They’re there for the money... we’re there for the music. It has always been that way and it will always be that way. The sooner a young lady gets to know that, the sooner she can be REALLY in control.
You also said in Rolling Stone that your look is based on mine. The look I chose, I chose on purpose at a time when my record company were encouraging me to do what you have done. I felt I would rather be judged on my talent and not my looks. I am happy that I made that choice, not least because I do not find myself on the proverbial rag heap now that I am almost 47 years of age... which unfortunately many female artists, who have based their image around their sexuality, end up on when they reach middle age.
Real empowerment of yourself as a woman would be to in future refuse to exploit your body or your sexuality in order for men to make money from you. I needn’t even ask the question... I’ve been in the business long enough to know that men are making more money than you are from you getting naked. It’s really not at all cool. And it’s sending dangerous signals to other young women. Please in future say no when you are asked to prostitute yourself. Your body is for you and your boyfriend. It isn’t for every spunk-spewing dirtbag on the net, or every greedy record company executive to buy his mistresses diamonds with.
As for the shedding of the Hannah Montana image.. whoever is telling you getting naked is the way to do that does absolutely NOT respect your talent, or you as a young lady. Your records are good enough for you not to need any shedding of Hannah Montana. She’s waaaaaaay gone by now... Not because you got naked but because you make great records.
Whether we like it or not, us females in the industry are role models and as such we have to be extremely careful what messages we send to other women. The message you keep sending is that it’s somehow cool to be prostituted... it’s so not cool Miley... it’s dangerous. Women are to be valued for so much more than their sexuality. we aren’t merely objects of desire. I would be encouraging you to send healthier messages to your peers... that they and you are worth more than what is currently going on in your career. Kindly fire any motherf***er who hasn’t expressed alarm, because they don’t care about you.
I love this woman's soul because it is so powerful. This is what she will be remembered for and who she is as a woman will stand the test of time. Take this letter and replace Miley's talent with your own superficiality. Find a truth in this and apply it. Trust me when I tell you...there is deep wisdom in this letter. Written in the blood of heartfelt experience.
Remember people; you can own the world and have absolutely nothing...if you never stand for anything.
Sitting in a dance club smokin his Shisha with an "Old Fashioned" drink neatly placed atop a napkin on his table. Everyone else dances...he just sits there enjoying his time without expression. People want to know what's wrong with him...heh, nothing. Everyone else lost in aimless, blissful distraction. He just sits and enjoys pretending not to hear a thing. He hears only his heartbeat. Watching the pick-pockets and pick up artists..he's nice. Nothing distracts him from his purpose. Nothing robs him of his peace. He's there to practice drowning it all out. To practice becoming a singularity among an ever expanding collective. Finding some purpose in the process. He knows how hard it is to hear the music and not bob his head or tap his feet...but he's in control. Leave him alone...
My son saw his friend in a casket today. He never knew how it would effect him. He went to pay his respects and came back with so much more. You see, mortality becomes real when you are faced with the death of someone you were able to laugh with...and share with. A child will be buried this week due to reckless behavior and the truth is...all that really matters is that he is gone. To see him in a casket moved my son enough to crystallize that truth. To let him be and closely watch is now my job. To make sure he learns the right lesson. He will soon begin to understand "why" and this will in turn create the better man he is meant to be. There are many lessons to be learned but sometimes you do better sitting back to listen and watch him cry. There are no consoling words when you see the friend you shared a part of yourself with...be gone forever.
These are the soldiers of our day. A youth that find themselves fighting a system that would have them dependent. They do wrong to feed their families because their pride would have it no other way. They risk everything because their limited education forces them into a fast life. They only do the best they can with what the "zeitgeist" thinks they deserve, looking all the while...for the big score. What begins dark...almost always ends in death unless a change comes. Please God let it come...
Have you ever had an idea no one has thought of or an idea very few were aware of? Have you ever mastered such an idea to the place of it affording you all that is "grandiose" in your mind? All you have to do is pull the trigger now...
I know this place. From the primal to the technical and in truth...I fear it's power.
I grew up watching my father make women smile without much effort. Just an impeccable charm he used without even noticing. Well...I noticed. I was a witness to it's effect on both sexes. It was both impressive and dangerous at the same time but like it or not, it would become something I would inherit. To be able to, with a slight smile, move someone to go the extra mile is a powerful thing. Something I learned not to take lightly along the way. For a man, this is a commodity. For a woman, it is a crutch. Why? Because for a woman to use her wiles is akin to a man using his strength. The weak man only knows strength. He has to learn sensuality...a tool that finds it's origin within the power of emotion. He doesn't know how to use his mind to control a situation. He flies off the handle. His muscles intimidate. His trapezoid muscles flair inducing fear and if that doesn't work, he will take the next step towards violent action. Think about that for a minute...
When you find yourself resorting to your basic instinct (lower than all you have been elevated to "learn"), you are in effect...debased. It's not a question of "double standard". It's a question of nature vs nurture. For the initiated, this makes sense. For the uninitiated? Sorry...can't help you on this one.
I will say this though. A woman that has learned to use her wit as opposed to her body is one of the most powerful things I have yet to see and that quiet power is fuckin sexy as shit. Most people don't see this because they can't see past the "visual". These women usually wind up perplexing men. They are drawn by energy as opposed to visuals. Fucks em up lol Yep, it's that strong.
I have in the past few years been able to create something from nothing. Convincing myself now that there is nothing I cannot do BUT it always comes at a price. My limiting factor? I am a father and accountable risk is never an option. "Small and unseen" means frustrated survival and though "big and fast" may be way more exciting...it runs it's course with too much risk involved.
Since Oct of 2012 I've been planning a thing. Something from nothing? Yes, I do have a grandiose idea with very little risk this time...with a safety net to boot. Where no one else is effected but me but in truth I think that this time around...I fear it's success.
If you haven't figured this out yet, yeah...I know some things. I have been sitting on this hard floor thinking about topics I could share and a few popped out at me. One of which "holds" now having been crystallized in conversation. Some things I could not share with just anybody so with that being said, I am grateful to have such beautiful ears at my disposal...
So having said that, I will say this; "what if" is for children. "What is" in truth, is all that really matters. Why? Because "what if" will keep you in a state of senseless distraction while "what is" collapses from neglect all around you. This "dream" of the perfect life "if you only..." is a fairy tale. It is meant to keep you questioning the destiny that stands unfulfilled due to lack of motivated mobility. You wind up trudging along without the same tenacity that you would have had if you planned to be where you are. Guess what? You are where you are for a reason. You are who you are for a reason. All the blessings you have are there because you travailed the road you did and if you change anything along that road then think for a minute...
All the bad may be gone...but all the good along with it. Deal with that for a second and let it sink in. The children that you're proud of are gone. That wind of pain that fueled your artistry no longer moves your soul and all the wisdom that you acquired is non-existent. You are now empty. What if? That question will never haunt me again. I've learned that my pain is my pride because I've come through alive and better for it. Don't ever ask me that question. Being who I am I will tell you the truth and it won't be pretty. Be blessed with all you are and move forward with peace understanding that God had a plan all along. It may have been a plan you never understood but rest assured it was a plan that was way more than anything you could come up with on your own.
As for me, I will never trade who I am, all I have and all I know for the shot at an alternate universe. No, not me. Looking back, I know that God was with me every step of the way. He guided me at my best and helped me up at my worst. My life today is the product of His love and I would have it no other way.
Be blessed, be happy if you can but above all else...move ahead in peace...knowing all the while, you are all that you were meant to be...
Absinthe, I forgot what a friend she could be. As lovely and enlightening as a soft spoken mentor. As dreaded and fearful as the archest of enemies. She matches wit and style. She laughs slightly, imparting wisdom based on all you've seen and if you let her...she can even let it stick.
I watched a movie tonight. "Une Vieille Maitresse" is the only movie I have seen thus far that can in detail elaborate on what my mother once called "crazy love". Two people that create combustible energy when together. What is so interesting about the movie is that it, like this love itself, was uninteresting at first but held you captive at the end. Examining my own life, this is the only love I've truly ever known. In truth, looking back, I could find no "fairy tale". I never planned for anything. I never looked for this sign or the other. I just held on because love demanded it. Throughout doubt and tidal waves of emotion. Hatred, fire, lust and love. All fitting together. All having their due and way with us. A bit of "want" giving way to "need" where the here and now suffers like a junkie looking for the next fix. I've heard people fall in and out of love...something I could never understand. I dare say that humans seldom see the real depth of love and miss out on the bigger picture. Like looking at a masterpiece from afar and missing the lake and the mountains along side the lake. They focus in too squarely on the sun and miss everything else.
People please understand. Love is way more than good times, poetry and roses. It is way more than walks on the beach and the famed trip to Paris. No folks, it's tearing each other's clothes off in the middle of a heated argument. It's "longing"...even after it's over. Silence and distance can't make it go away. It is eternal. I get stumped when people ask me, "what's the perfect date?". The fact is...there is none. Yet before it all, connection is king. Like two mismatched puzzle pieces that don't fit no matter how hard you try, such are the two souls that won't connect. I can paint you a picture that will never happen. A picture that will make you swoon. I can tell you about the beach, champagne and rose petals. Horses and carriage rides that you see in movies. All those beautiful things you read in your romance novels but they may not be as real for you as to whom they were tailor-made for in the first place. I mean...this movie had a scene showing the two main characters making love next to the burning corpse of their daughter. Extreme as hell, but point well made.
To love me past rejection. To love me past hatred. To love me in death. To love me when I've irreparably wronged you...that's love. Not to say these things should happen to test love but this is life. It is chaotic and unpredictable. Life is a wave meant to overtake the soul and it's inconsistency makes it almost impossible to read. Yet real love remains constant when true and is able to overcome all that life throws at it. I know this now and knowing this makes me happy with all the decisions I made. I'm blessed to have married young. I am grateful to all arguments and failures for solidifying the truth of love when it came to my committed relationships.
Folks, I've been blessed to have had two serious relationships in my life and although both were different people...they were both tested, proved real. One seems to see this clearly and the other was never taught to understand this truth. I will not fault her nor will I condemn her for it...I will just keep loving her. One day it will click...
