Mind: "Trust me you need to. I have a different perspective than you do and this last event has made me keener. I mean dammit...you still have your bandages on!!"
Heart: "I'm STILL in charge!!!!"
Mind: "Yeah, and that might be a problem. You my love are over-worked and way underpaid. I know you hate it when I say it but dammit it's true and it's my job to see it and tell you when I do. I have agreed you have to do you for us to feel alive but my job is to see that you are valued. To make sure all you are does not go to waste no matter how much you feel. YOU know I learned a lot to get here. Not through some bullsh*t school or youtube video but through actual experience. Now let me do my job. Back up, take some time...stop. I'm afraid you may be ignoring signs and signals just to persist. Give me time to evaluate things right."
Heart: "It's called giving folks the benefit of the doubt. You ought to try it sometimes. Lately you've been too quick to write people off on simplistic infractions."
Mind: "After all that's happened, it's hard not to want to waste anymore time. It's hard to ignore the voice of experience and wisdom and have to succumb to your notions of understanding and forgiveness. Our tolerance for bullsh*t has been high and that has to change. I don't want you to change but we have to be wiser. If you value honoring one's own worth as you say you do then you will allow the tweaks I want. Face it...we're different and that makes us valuable. It's not arrogant to admit it and you know all about false humility. Don't activate that sh*t now."
Heart: "It's just different for you is all. You are flippant about it. I can't do that. I'm more measured about it as I don't see it as a power the same way you do. I see it as a gift to be given out."
Mind: "Ok then mr self-righteous!! Remember what the Master says about giving? That we are basically tested with how we handle the little we have? How we are to freely give it out and NOT save or hoard it? That to do so would mean we would lose even that little we were given? You my friend give too damn much and are sometimes met with the hoarder. The kind that thinks to show any vulnerability or even simple respect with us is a weakness we would exploit. Either from past hurt or because of how we look. You know that sh*t is true!! It's my job to tell the difference!! You may not have arms or legs but what you do have in abundance is blood, love and passion but you are testing your limits to the brink!!"
Heart: "You know I have no limits and I will do as I must BUT...I will allow SOME of the tweaks you're suggesting. This new road IS based on vetting. I see your point on some things but like you look out for me...let me look out for you. Not everyone is gaming. Some folks are just being careful because of what they've been through. I know you want to write them off due to our last encounter but just be more judicious man. Your hardness compliments my softness but I just gave a little...you should do the same. Don't ever lose sight of what we learned from the Master so long ago and hold fast to it...love first my friend. We must lead with it everytime. You know that no matter how deep I may get, I'm always ready to hear & act on your side of things but always...me first."
Mind: "Yeah and that's the ONLY reason why you're in charge. I get what you're saying about being more judicious and you know I'm working on it. You know how we do. This time left a scar is all. Side note: does it bother you that folk are listening into our conversation? Some...might think you're crazy"
Heart: "As usual those that may think that don't understand me to begin with and their worth to me is at a level where their opinion means very little. I just really feel people will relate to this conversation and our give and take. People have lost sight of a simple truth. That they don't have to settle with how they feel or what they think when they feel they are spiraling out of control or feeling lost. We exist seperately for a reason. When you keep it brutally real, you become my therapist but that brutal honesty is a learned trait my friend & to most, their minds are simply yes men looking to validate their internal mess. Let them hear this just this once..."
Mind: "Well I'm just on the record as this not being a good idea... Anyway, glad we worked it out. Time to go to work..."
An internal conversation I had months ago. A common scenario where both mind and heart were correct. Neither right nor wrong...only degrees of each in every argument. The trick is found in their ability to convince the other of a singular symbiotic vision that can only bring true balance through brutal honesty. Before you can keep it real with anyone else...keep it real with yourself first. I'm out...
He had just had a moment with a beautiful woman in his apartment and it was time to leave. Just as they were getting ready he stopped, shut his eyes and took in a classical movement being played on his stereo. She looked at him and simply said "beautiful Moe..."...shaking her head in sweetness. She really didn't get the fullness of what was happening in that moment.
To tell you that my life has had battles would be an understatement. One after the next. They either involved me personally or someone else I had been entrusted to help. Always something that needed my attention and/or presence. So I came to acknowledge this would be my life and that any moment of beauty or passion I was afforded would be a moment of sweet intermission for me. Not many knew of them because I was never one to carry them as a man of sorrows but they were always present...still are. To know this is to understand why the things people take for granted are so very dear to me and why to me, they are worth fighting for. Those seconds, minutes and hours of stillness, the sweet melodies inspired by a beautiful sunrise, walks in a park on a cloudy day with someone you've missed, sitting by a lakeside with someone you love or even the unexpected message of hope sent by someone special are everything to me. It will always be something most will never comprehend as most are built to want the "lifetime" but to me...that's what those moments represent. That's what those nights of passion mean to me. To be with someone you love deeply for whatever hours you are graced is like a sonnet that must last forever in my heart because there's always that sense...it might not come again. Sitting in a foxhole waiting for your relief could take months at a time and not everyone can wait that long. All that you've built in love can be tested and sometimes even lost. I understand it...all too well. It's just the way it is. To have one understand it though...is a gift. A welcome rarity to say the least...
I remember watching movies as a kid that had long musical scores between their well worth four hour spans. This was called "the intermission". It allowed the movie goer a time of respite from the drama they were taking in from the flick. They could use the bathroom, get some more popcorn or time to just sit there to think about the epic. Who knew there was a life lesson in there for me... My Lord is good to me...
bedtime...the wind blows ever so slightly pushing the sheer curtains forward touching the unkempt bed as the moonlight completes the ambience needed for the night. the barefoot, shirtless man in jeans walks into the bedroom to find you by your dresser drawer wearing a t-shirt that reaches the knee...and nothing else. candles accentuating your beautiful silhouette...
*"Amsterdam Blue" begins its slow long hum in the background*
you turn your back to him in anticipation as he calmly walks towards you. standing just inches behind you, his breath is now soft on the nape of your neck while his hands grow bold to become the eyes of his soul...exploring. his fingertips showing him all he needs to know as his lips softly kiss your neck. his hands slowly making their way downward from your shoulders on passed your hands. from thighs to hips...across your belly. one hand making its' way to supple breast as the other is drawn to supple mound...moist...and ready. your heart...beating faster. your breath...heavy. you...doing your very best to maintain composure while loving every bit of this expression of his love. your eyes...closed off to your surroundings. existing now solely in an ethereal plane your union has created. tips now slipping soft between lips he longs to taste. fingers find the warm and the wet as your gates begin their welcome. he kisses, nibbles and bites on your neck as your head now lays back on his shoulder. your composure weakens, your hips writhe as his hand remains steady at work. your hand reaches back to find him ready and you turn your head to find his lips waiting for the long awaited kiss that finally holds nothing back. lost in the throws of passion...the embers glow soft, building...
you now hear...
an alarm clock. you wake up in a cold sweat, wet, shaken and frustrated. it was all just a dream...or was it? stay tuned...
Since I've decided to change things up in my training (since the pandemic) reactions seem to be more pronounced. Don't know if it's me or the "times" and since I see myself daily, the "changes" aren't all that visible to me. Today, one man said I should be in movies and a wino lady said I was "delicious" and a "big ole sweet teddy bear"...she wanted a hug and I obliged (usually don't) since her wino husband was standing behind her in approval lol I saw no malice in her and I considered it a kindness to folk that usually go ignored. Not a pat on the back (to myself)...just really felt this one for some reason. Don't know but I suspect I'll find out later.
Here's the kicker: both times...I felt nothing but gratitude. No shyness or recoil. Just an "ok thanks I really appreciate that" kind of vibe. Maybe it was the way they approached it or just me gettin used to my new "suit" lol You'd probably say: "Hey just post some pics!!" Easier said than done by someone that did this everyday till he became so sick of seein himself he had to virtually disappear for awhile. I created what I wanted. This next stage took it a bit further and seeks now to have it all "set it"...keeping it longer (and easier) than most. I don't mind takin the pics and I eventually will...just gotta get my mind in it again. Hate doin stuff half-ass you feel me? Anyway...back to our regularly scheduled programming ;-)
stateless, dateless...weightless in waiting. when life is put on hold it takes the bold to say yes, the old to say no...but the timeless still find the flow to grow. phases tame me numb to the gun of despair. i smile at it in derision knowing that all things must pass into process. in this 10x10 nothing can hurt me but nothing can touch me either lest i allow it. i hold on to hope by a thread i tirelessly keep re-building into an unbreakable line. slow are the days, the months and the years the clock is watched so i ignore it altogether. i hear the tik and the tock like an annoying buzz in my ear i swat at daily. where others see years...i see the seconds, minutes and hours the moments in the now afford.
sunsets and sunrises are a privilege. a kiss, a word of love, an embrace across the skies...all seasonings to me. intermissions between battles. i see it and feel it all but it's hard to take in completely. never knowing for sure when i'll be apt to sit at the table prepared for me. mindful as i try to keep up maintenance for those on my shoulders. no tears, no pain without complaint...only the press for other's progress and the internal gains these provide me. brutal will to the finish line drives me to the next level of evolution. replete with new challenges. where coping mechanisms have all been exhausted by experience and where what matters most is all that's left to expend energy on. stoic on my quest for this incarnation of "me" to bleed out into the next. where promises delayed are still promises set to keep. where all is sweeter in clarity in a world gone mad. where passion delves deeper into hearts that still beat and beauty has made its' home in the irises of my soul. in my Lord...nothing can stop me...nothing will deter me. this i declare...this, i know. as the world turns...i stand. He has made me a king...i can do anything...
Yeah...one got me about a month back...stayed up with me. In one scene, someone I care for asked me to watch over her kids while she was on a trip and we wound up bonding. Her kids, with me and mine. In the dream, I woke up to see them sitting at what was presumably my table and my oldest was feeding her youngest. I also had one on one time with both her oldest as they each needed advice on some things. It was odd but cool. When she came back, I told her all that happened and she was visibly upset that such a thing would take place. Why? Because I was a transient love in her life..."mommy's friend". A role I was more than fine with but what was I supposed to do? Ignore them? Hey!! I'm a very cool, likable individual!!! lol
What was also strange about it all was that I honestly thought that was "over" but it most definitely was not...complications (way less than before) and all. I can tell my lifestyle will be an ever increasing episodic moment to moment kind of thing...I'm cool with that but will everyone else be just as cool with it? Maybe not, no idea and I honestly can't bring myself to care as much as I used to. I spell it out clear from jump you dig? Love and honor demand it. It deters many but if they leave on the truth of things then it was not meant to be. "No mask"...remember? Anyway, I saw the timetable on this one and everything...cool stuff.
What is time but a construct "finite" beings can use to quantify their existence. Look above it as an infinite being and what can you see? Infinite possibilities that change based on choice and outside that construct? Blocks of...oh damn you'all ain't ready for that yet lol
"Just say when and I'll take you to my Tardis Who's the hardest?..."
To my male friends, family and readers: If you come to me asking about "how to" court a woman and you see it as too "simple" to "work" for you, do me a favor...check out YouTube. I'm sure you can find a video entitled "5 Steps To Make Her Want You" just as as easy as you would anything else. Men...that ain't me. Take some time and go through this blog. You'll see it is a testimony that I'm sincere and consistent when I say "be yourself". No tricks, no pretense, no agendas...no games. Put the best of your real foot forward and let it do what it do. If you have any value to offer one you find value in...then it will happen whether you want it to or not. Now, you can bag chicken-heads all day with your "how-to" lessons but women of quality require quality and that is something you can only fake for so long. And what is quality? You think it's a beautiful face? Nice tits and ass? How about "independent" and "well to do" maybe? Nah...those things are nice and all but true quality is far from those things. True quality is usually hidden under scars, heartache and forced smiles. It's surface is strength but it's a strength undergirded by a guarded heart that still has hope, faith, love and passion. Something you can't just use and abuse. Requiring your passion to breathe oxygen into it's lungs. However faint..."beautiful" was preserved in the face of a lot of trial and pain and THAT is the testimony of a heart that knows what is most important in life. If you are a man of quality, you'll pick it up right away but if you're on your way there, you'll take the time to mine her heart to find it. Not because you want to take something from her but because you are interested to know her...for her. Cheesy as hell but true none the less.
So if you ever ask me for advice, I will begin by asking you to tell me all about her and your time together. If it begins and ends on surface levels that include but are not limited to how thick her ass looks in jeans...then I ain't the one you need to be talkin to. I can speak on surface levels but I choose not to if that's all you're gonna want. It's like asking a chef of fine cuisine how to eat a Big Mac. That ain't bragging...I just know my strengths. All the women I've come to love are women of quality. Extremely desirous women that had no "need" for a man (whether they knew it or not) saw something worth loving in me. I've been blessed...and still am.
My brothers...if I ever told you to "be yourself" it was only because I saw in the natural "you" an undeniable charm or character trait that I knew women would find endearing but it will never work for you unless you see it for yourself. You don't need a 4 or 5 step plan. Nor do you need to play act "the nice guy" or "the bad boy" when you already know who you are. Don't ever get to the place you have to fake being someone else to entice anyone. God forbid you should walk into a commitment (heavy or light) wearing a mask. At some point...it's comin off. What you're left with after that is never good...for anybody. I'm out...
~moses apollo
PS: Mentally, physically and emotionally...I'm so very tired. Maybe I should care a bit more about that...but I don't...
"tengo tu imagen en un pincel...ay amor, paso el dia pintandote..."
what if she came over that one night when she was in town? what if she had come back after driving everyone home like she wanted? what if you had gone over that night with the wine in hand that she had requested? i contend these are questions the hearts' imagination has already provided answers to...when souls meet one to one.
the "what if" that lingers in such cases is akin to an untested taste that expectation alone has proven sweet. it's the ecstasy felt inside that exists behind the longing eyes of an aching want. the softness of skin bitten, caressed and kissed a million times at heart. the naked skin on skin embrace that's been overtaken by a mist from forever. all breathed upon an open canvass inspired by connected souls desiring a culmination of all they've come to know.
the would've should've highs that had yet to materialize remain a beautiful memory in the chambers of expectation. they serve as imagination's branded kiss of the "more on past the door". some allow them to settle into something too cool to ruin, but others...rebrand them as an "as yet" that lay in the confines of an un-released passion. fueling desire. freed only by the waking of a hunger lust sweetly designed by this thing we call time...
...happened on the way to World War 3. I took stock within seconds. Yesterday I saw our global minded "leaders" hell bent on global domination salivating at the prospect of nuclear war. Do we have cause for concern? Well let me put it this way: the two most strategic places to hit from Russia's standpoint would be NY and DC. Living in Brooklyn...yeah, lil bit. Why would they do this? The so-called WEF's "Build Back Better" program is predicated on the idea that a handful of elites can make our lives "better" with them at the helm but to do this requires the destruction of all that is first. Taking out world leaders they could not control was the first step. The second required a conditioning of the human spirit to accept centralized control. The pandemic attempted to do this to an extent. What's next if they're not stopped? Well...you all can figure that one out.
Folks, I have no fear of death. I only fear (if that's a better word to describe it) succumbing to human conditioning when it comes to "aging". I realized rather quickly that aging means very little to the one whose heart is set on "living" life. That does not mean living a reckless life but it does mean venturing outside one's own comfort zone for the sake of perpetual growth. Experiencing pain, rejection and offense to build an immunity to such things. I've seen way too many young cats whose bodies have caught up with the mindset that avoids any pain or discomfort. The mindset of "set it and forget it" is an essential part of the circle of life that serves its' purpose but like everything else; stay there too long and it becomes unhealthy. You know that phrase "time will catch up to us all"? It's true...especially if you're standing still way past it's welcome. Balance my loves...is everything.
Moments like these can either drown us in fear or serve to provide us an opportunity to see and fight for what's really important to us. Like most things...the choice is ours. Realize...and crystalize...keep your hearts free. I'm out.
Flares will light up your sky from contemplation alone but like stars in the heavens; over time, you come to understand them as you would beautiful Christmas tree lights that perpetually adorn your window...adding color to your nights perspective. Yet when one of them begins to flicker enough to stand out, it's usually one of two things. One: It's on the brink of going out...or two: it's frequency's vibration is off the charts due to some heightened emotion. Near or far...both are worth tending to...
These are your stars. They light up your sky for a lifetime. Some can stand alone in the memory chain but less than a handful are strong enough to keep the rest lit. Most burn standard but these always burn brighter than the rest. They will always have special access to your attention...they burn exactly like you do. Would that they knew why...but it was never really my place to articulate.
Love and passion...will always be reason enough...
Tell me your hopes, your dreams, your desires...your passions. Tell me what they mean to you. Tell me how far you would go to meet them. Tell me about boundaries created by duty, honor and obligation and how you came to mark them. Tell me your definition of "life" and all you consider "happiness". Tell me about your love and all that makes you sigh. How you perceive a drizzling sky above an open field of flowers. Waxing poetic about fingertips on skin...prepped to both graze and to penetrate. Speak the unspoken...repair the broken. Allowing access to our space in time...that place of eternal moments. To share it all, investing the fullest heart....manifesting a passion only heavenly bodies can articulate. Breathing truth from soul to soul...holding fast to "heart for heart". Timeless, ageless, formless, hopeful, passionate and painfully raw.
Now ask me to describe "what we are"...to write down the "rules" of "unconventional convention". That I should answer as I do...in truth. An easy truth...just way too damn easy to accept. To now come to the realization that what happens next for us is no longer...inevitable...
"i chose this life as is my design...to sail free. set, re-set & coursed by the wind. i've seen much to come to know much but the beautiful souls found out here remain unmatched by anything else the world below has to offer. some, like me...flowed up here by design. others are drawn up here by necessity yet unbeknownst to them...by design as well. tossed to ground too early but created to make this place what it was meant to be...a paradise just a stones throw away from earth.
scarred by the loss of trust in their own heart, these are the ones hurt by a few they allowed into their world. worlds inhabited by those they were tasked to protect and/or care for. beautiful, pretty, lovely...in demand souls designed for greatness & shine now come to protect an embered flame under lock & key...not allowing anyone near it. they built castles up here as safety & solitude has now become their peace. after hearing their stories...one can only come to agree.
sailing with a few i've come to understand to give only what they are prepared to receive. to promise only what i can & to come to understand the language of silence. the struggle to remain unmoved for those they love is greater now than anyone they encounter as these are the ones designed to love so hard they bleed out the pain of it...something they feel their worlds can no longer afford. yet flame snuffed out too early by anothers greed is destined to shine again...even if only for a moment. something i've found worthy to protect & cultivate as needed. no cage should house them...no greed should use them...& no lie should ever be used to enfold them.
these airs...are an oft-times lonely place to sail as it is understood these have duties beyond me. yet to find one & share a moment is like finding gold. to see their re-ignition at sail is like watching the sun born at full strength for the first time. all in a patch of sky created outside the worlds we are tasked to protect. as a navigator, you own & keep only what you take with you. for me, it is an immortality housed in those forever moments birthed at their re-ignition. in a perpetual space that remains to inspire, keep up...or even expand. all set, re-set & coursed...by the wind"
Just another marker for myself as a reminder of the date. In full disclosure, I can only explain the details of this to about three people that would understand and I already know what they would say. I usually don't anyway...
I know a woman that followed her heart. A heart that beat with abandon that seldom ever let her down. She trusted it with her life. One day she followed its' flutter into the arms of one that had an instruction manual for such an occasion and her heart came to convince her mind that this was the one. She invested body and soul only to come to learn that all he was interested in was her body. She was broken. Not so much from the loss of one she loved but more so from the thought that the heart she had trusted to guide her...could have betrayed her as well. Something that could not be further from the truth. I know this woman and others like her...they are gold.
Folks, if there was anything I could share on here of true value, this would make the top 5. I know I've written about this before but I keep seeing this happen and I hate it so much it's worth repeating. The heart, when it's true & pure...is selfless. It was designed to give without expectation. Designed to always reach out...looking for a suitable counter. At its purest, it doesn't care if the love is being reciprocated. It doesn't worry about "lists" or anything of the sort...but the mind does and if nothing comes to dissuade it, the heart can inadvertently convince your mind that it is being loved in return. Especially if the person is adept at playing the role they need to for their own selfish gain. A gain that doesn't take into account how special what they have at their disposal is. These are the type that seldom, if ever, see past their own greed and will usually leave a trail of regret wherever they go. Something even the best of us could never truly anticipate. I NEED you to know that your heart has not betrayed you and you did as you must. It was not your fault that you surrendered your most precious gift to one that couldn't see how great it was. Keep trusting it my loves and become greater than you were. Train your mind to vet your suitors well and take back the power these leaches have stolen from you. Make sure your potential suitors are of character...that they can truly "see" you. That your heart find it's worthy counter. Take the experience and grow from it. Resist the temptation to shut down your heart...it is the best of you and where your truist beauty resides.
I "see" you and if I do...others of character will as well. You are gold. With love...I'm out...
Thinkin on a few things things today had me realizing that I never really learned how to "date". I went from dalliances into puberty that drove my libido and passion into a relationship that turned into a marriage that happily lasted 17 years. After my divorce, I tried "dating" someone but found myself acting as invested as I was as a husband and it served as one of the reasons why things didn't work out. I just didn't know the "rules". When I finally learned how to date, I hated it so much I decided to leave out of my future relationships anything that would taint them. The ownership, the games, the pretension...all gone if I could help it. The practicality of such a thing always seemed easy enough given the climate but my code made it almost impossible. I had to have it done a certain way...done with honor. So I became what I became...
At one time, I'd be embarrassingly classified a "lover". Why "embarrassing"? It just always seemed like something out of a cheesy romance novel but when I look back on my history and peak into some of my present...there's no other word for it *cue the violins*. Now how you define that is where your "judgment" of my character takes shape. I'd rather you didn't judge me at all but hey..."humans gonna human". To define a "lover" as a "player" is way off. True lovers ain't in it for the game or the numbers...but for so much more. As I've stated many times on this blog, I learned to better myself sexually to please my then wife. Our sex life was good but I knew there was way more to be experienced and that it had more to do with "internals" most were unwilling to study than technique. My love for her and place as a husband provoked it. I had to "learn her" & allow her my openness to "learn me". I was on a literal quest to become selfless in many areas and intimacy was a big one for me. In time I came to learn that witnessing her pleasure in our exchanges really did it for me and THIS is what eventually carried over into my single life after my divorce. So you see...my love for her began the evolution of the man writing this today. As for today, "lovers" tend to be defined by how many people one has had sex with and how many orgasms THEY were able to "make happen" lol (porn mindset) A number that can be artificially inflated by simply swiping right or left or whatever the hell people do today. An uber-basic endevour...as such a thing's appeal is self-satisfaction for self-preservation. It's main goal is to fulfill a personal need without giving any real thought to the needs of the person you're with. No give, just take...without real exchange. "Efficient"...but dead. You're just replacing your hands with a strangers body. Now, I'm not gonna judge such a thing as right or wrong but I can and will call it "basic" all day, everyday and twice on Sunday. By definition "basic" is meeting a human function without much thought. The dangers of something like this is that it will soon (if it hasn't already) become erroneously classified as "intimacy". Unfortunately like everything else via definition...that word may lose it's heart as well.
I understand its allure and its an allure that is meant to pacify a fear of getting hurt. That promises sex without getting close enough to care whether they stay or go but I can say that such a thing exacts a heavier price on the soul over time than risking the loss of love ever can. Once you've tasted true intimacy, the fickle is seen for what it is...and it's no longer enough. Satiating with the semblance of reward...without risking a thing. Yet its the difference between a well toiled over meal and fast food. It fills the belly...but leaves little left to remember. Which is why I will always recommend the conventional for most. To find that one to love and cherish. To hold and live out that dream. I've lived mine and am blessed to have done so but my nature has drawn me out to something else...undefined by phase or convention. I'm good with it...
Herein lay my code. I need no commitment or contract but I need to know that the soul I'm sharing my own with in a moment is compatible and connected with me enough to reach out from within as the moment calls and that my own soul is apt to meet that call...wherever it should lead (soft, hard, clean or dirty). Such a thing requires time, respect, understanding, selflessness and the kind of love that "sees" something too damn beautiful to mantle or own. A "seeing" that takes place way before two bodies ever meet. A deeper foreplay that expresses love in a way that her pleasure, growth and progress are what make you happy and where attachment...becomes of no consequence. Risking a confusion, pain and frustration that is poured out like hot wax in the "meeting". In this...I found an unparalleled purity both blessed and graced by its' selfless nature. Sounds sweet-like right? It is...but insanely hard to do and THAT is what keeps it special ;-)
So I guess today, I'd just be classified as "different"... and I can dig that. What? Too "old fashioned"? No my loves...just "seasoned for the sweet-like". I'm out...
She found it in the rain that would no longer drench. In the claw & in the bite that no longer produced a stream of blood. In the storms no longer sent...in the pain none could invent. In the screams that no longer produced a sound. When all became settled, set and done..."the same as it ever was", she knew that in that moment...what she wanted...was "more".
The rustled bed, the heavy heart a moonlit moment makes full and the smile at the waking with a thirst unquenched...just inches away from satisfaction. With nothing needing to be said in all that's left to do. Desiring the purposed sunrise inspired tender kiss that leads the bold towards the inevitable climb into peaks and supple valleys that fit perfectly where they must. To be tasted from hand to mouth and everything else designed for such a meal. From soft and steady to hard and ready. The rock, the roll, in both body...and soul. The wanting, the longing, the taking...the having and having again. To be entranced in the moment where position and motion instinctively lead into a climactic dance designed solely by this distinct combination. To be induced into that uncontrollable thrust that tightens thighs and shutters rolled back eyes unseen. To find comfort in the moment her inner thigh would bare witness to as it rested on his nakedness. For him to lay there by her side, satiated by her skin till it became his blanket...warming him still...as another session loomed in the distance.
To seek it even now as restless hands seek place to steady until her passions' implosion slowly re-ignites through the sheer will of animalistic desire. Her dew spilled sweet to now arrive and whisper soft..."you're still alive" ;-)
Waterman, an emissary and oft times militia member for the King had grown weary from the secret battles he had been assigned to...as well as his own. Bruised and almost broken, he was granted furlough by the King with permission to bring along another. A much needed time of respite in a place chosen by the King Himself. A beautiful majestic place replete with mountains, horses and a generous space for lodging fit for an emissary. It sat right beside the lake that was the centerpiece of that place. Yet with all that beauty before him, Waterman knew that something felt..."off". You see, there were no other guests...
Waterman just rationalized it off as "battle fatigue"...nothing to concern himself with. He would ignore it and enjoy his five days of rest. Here is what took place:
Night one: He found himself surrounded by an odd looking bunch of men in obvious disguises. They questioned his station and role with the King trying to produce doubt but Waterman knew what they were and laughed them away. Unimpressed, they meant nothing to him and their words fell on deaf ears. They would eventually leave distraught and confounded. Just minutes after they left, he heard a loud knock on the door...it was the Kings messenger. The messenger, standing at the door, opened the scroll he pulled out of his satchel and began to read:
"Many years ago, this place was a place of rest but it is now plagued by a Troll that lives in the highest peak of its' mountains. The ones that surrounded you were sent by it to test you and your resolve. You are to destroy it and liberate this place from its' filth...use the weapons I've given you. Remember who you are...this is the Word of your King"
Waterman knew exactly what this was...it was training. Training in a war that no one could be told of as only a select few were privy to its' existence. Anytime Waterman tried to confide in those he trusted with his experiences, he was met with disbelief and even sometimes...ridicule. You see, these special battles took place beyond a veil. A veil only the King could grant access to and those he granted access to were never what one would expect. They were men and women of the lowest sort. The kind none would suspect as having giftings or sight granted them. Humble, not because they were righteous...but humbled because they knew they were imperfect in the eyes of the King. A King they loved because He loved them first. Their stations in life were of no consequence. They simply sought an unattainable purity of heart they knew they would die seeking. In this...they were trusted as friends to the King. Each seeming to have a vice they could not shake. Things that kept them striving...and just lowly enough to know their place in the world...even as they climbed. They knew who they were. Parts in a larger world that had pieces within it, each playing their part, none greater than the other but just as essential as the rest. Purposed in place to never be seen as what they were. Without applause or accolades, they performed their duties with the honored badge the King had given them. In all this, they could not share a word of it because only a very few would understand and sometimes suffered loneliness as a result. Undeterrd...it was still always a privilege and an honor to be in the service of the King.
Night two: That night, he found himself surrounded again but this time...they were not in disguise. They tried the standard tactic of holding him down, using their main weapon...fear. Yet what they forgot was that Waterman was seasoned enough in battle to know they had no real power so he easily broke free. Once again...they had left distraught. That very night, Waterman climbed the mountain, went into the trolls' cave and sent it back from whence it came. The airs now clear...that place...was now free. The next three days were all about rest and recharging. He and the workers at this place knew something had changed so he decided to confide in his companion about his experience. This went as expected. She sighed, nodded and turned her head as if to say "ok...good!!". She knew him enough to know he would never lie or make up anything like this. It was clear she wanted to believe him, but he understood that unless one experiences it for themselves, they could never fully accept the truth of it. It was nothing he wasn't used to. Nevertheless, it was a good trip...
Day five: It was time to leave this majestic place behind but Waterman had one more task to perform. He and his companion approached the caretaker of this place so that he could simply say: "Woman, please mark these words...this place will see its glory again...". It's all he was tasked to say. As they were about to leave, the caretaker turned her head and with tears streaming down her face said: "Sir, to hear these words brings me an unspeakable joy. You may think I'm crazy but this place has been cursed by what some described as a troll that lived in the mountains for years and for some reason, just three days ago...it feels like he was just gone. I don't know why or how but I just know things will be better now". Waterman looked at his companion to see the look of shock on her face as he held the caretaker in his arms and simply told her..."You're not crazy...we'll return someday". As they took their leave, he heard his companion whisper under her breath "long live the King...". He just smiled and said "yeah...".
It's a rare thing that another could witness the truth of such an event but Waterman received that testimony as a gift from the King. As if to say..."You see, you will never be truly alone". Waterman and his companion went on their way but his time at this place would never leave him. He now understood the graciousness of His King had no rhythm or rhyme but it's end was always satisfying. He also understood that it would not be the last time such a thing would take place. Warriors take their rest where they could find it and for Waterman, the spurts of rest allowed by his King were found in the release of his passions...but not in the way others would. They'd be allowed with an honor and a purity. A fine line Waterman would need to walk to remain pleasing to His King. Yet he knew that what was in store for him was even greater than what he had just experienced. There would be more places to go. For both rest and duty...at home and abroad. He was now clearer about his duties. He was now more prepared. "What next my King?..."
the kiss, the walk, the talk...mined the time. beguiled the smile, explored the more from the floor to the door...the demure to the whore. from the deep to the creep for all to keep in acceptance without judgment...for love.
such love with lust producing trust. inspiring feast for beauty's beast...by muscle, stock & stone. from soft to stern, he learned to earn the subtle yearn to groan the moan from passion sown. to give the take for dams to break...he mined the time.
with mind to mine, he took his time...for all now freely held
This is how long I spent on the phone with one of the most powerful women on this planet. Strength without platitudes or pretention. Wanting for nothing but herself & her God. Wise beyond her 72 years yet still willing to resonate the truth she carries inside when she hears it like an echo of something she'd forgotten on purpose to make room for more. This beautifully flawed soul is my mother and for the first time in a long time...we saw each other...in each other.
The life of stoic independence she tried so hard not to pass on is now mine and she found it both reassuring and scary. The life of the misunderstood misfit that is celebrated in spurts with those willing to choose a form of passionate transience...as opposed to some shade of permanence. She lived out that life. Not because she wanted to but because she felt she had no choice. She couldn't bring herself to become watered down or filtered for the sake of convention. It was who and what she was that made her special and worth the transience in the eyes of all that knew her. She admitted the truth of its blessing and curse...never wanting that for any of us. Yet here I am...articulating it in both speech and deed. I know now that I am not alone. Never really needing it...it did feel good to be fully understood and seen without judgment.
From the depth of my soul I appreciate those that have and still do. I received an unexpected message from someone some time ago that took time out of her night to let me know I was appreciated and what moved me the most was just how much it moved me. I really didn't know what to say because the greatest compliments are the ones that are truly thought through and sincere and this particular wordsmith gets easily tounge tied at such things. They don't come often (not a complaint in the slightest...just a matter of fact) and when they do, it's like watching a comet shoot across the sky...it stays with you. The warmth of heart it produces lingers for days and the memory of it never fades. The acknowledgment of all that you are through the eyes of someone whose opinion matters to you is a powerful thing my loves.
For three hours, my mother and I acknowledged the brutal truth of all we were. Seeing that the better parts of all we are far outweighed the bad. It was something that will stay with me for as long as I have breath...
I have a handful of souls that have been with me for years. Even those that seem to come and go have never really left my side...as I have never really left theirs. To those I say again (they know who they are)...thank you for existing and know that the customized room in my heart that's been prepared for you will always be there. I will add simply this: Without her even knowing it, my mother chose her suitors and the few in her circle by the mirror and I have been wise to do the same. Know that if I have ever taken an interest in you it is because I've seen a beautiful oddity in you that I see in myself. Time measures out the rest beyond simple interest but know that there are things in you untapped that you are not fully aware of that are powerful enough for someone like me to be drawn to. You are stronger than you know, wiser than you know and more loving/passionate than you have yet to experience. Take that and run with it my beautiful souls. There is nothing you cannot overcome. I "see" you...still...
So my word for all tonight is this: If there is someone in your life that doesn't feel seen, heard or understood that truly means something to you...let them know that you truly "see" them. The impact of such a thing could be just what they need in the moment to springboard them forward into their next level of existence. With love...I'm out...
I see you drowning in a lake that represents illness, inner turmoil and heavier than normal relationship issues...and I cannot save you. I point to a rope that is tied to a boat but you say to me "it's ok...I've learned how to float". I cringe in frustration because there is nothing more I can do. I know I and others will lose you on this road. I know the eventualities of this road because we all MUST learn to "float" above our own waters but if we become too content without moving towards what's next...we will remain in a space that provides a false sense of security. A complacency will set in that can easily take the place of that contentment without one even noticing. These waters are acidic and they will eat away at you slowly if you don't find a way to drain them or get to shore but some get numb to the corrosion until it's too late. They either go mad, cold of heart...or finally get caught by the illness they ignored. You see they convince themselves that a certain level of "peace" is enough to sustain them. It may have been so but what they don't understand is that there is a purpose to that peace. It is meant to clear their mind and heart so they could find and implement a solution...at peace.
When I see a loved one in this position, I want to yell. My frustration becomes unparalleled and like my mother, I've been known to lash out like an alarm at a real fire. Usually either calm, jovial or even-keeled but this can take me "there". Sometimes it's taken wrong but I can't worry about that when a life or lives are at stake. In this, I understand my mother all too well and it is one so-called "flaw" I welcome in those that love me. They love me enough to risk me no longer liking them for my own sake...and to me, that ain't a "deal breaker".
Listen to me my beautiful people: I applaud you if you've come to "terms" with whatever you've gone through or are going through now but don't ever allow yourself to get caught in the trap this necessary step can become. Receive and live in the peace it provides but do not allow it to sedate you. You still have the last step to take that may involve other steps. They can include trips to the mirror...or a designated physician.
I have an issue that today is classified as a problem. Even through all I've gone through...I STILL care. I'm out...
Contemplating on my last post, I realized some of you come here to read words of encouragement, love or beauty and that's understandable given most of my writings. You might be saying to yourselves "damn...he's still at this?" but if you know me you'll know there's usually a "method to my madness". My "method" here is quite simple: First, it's my blog and "I'll cry if I want to" and secondly, it's not enough for me that you see strength, resolve or enduring love. I want you to know how I get there ;-) I want you to see that in this process there will be moments of anger, frustration, confusion, pain and bitterness and I want you to realize why I believe most people get stuck. This pop psychology bullsh*t age will tell them to "accept" what they feel (which is correct) but will never tell them to heal from these things by finding a way to reconcile each through the "truth" of the mirror...
It's so easy to label this or that these days that it's no wonder more than half the population of the US seems to be housed by emotional neophytes. Too harsh for you? Take a good hard look in the mirror and find out that being easily offended is wholly a "me not you" issue. Perfect segue huh? Yes, I am glorious...show me later lol Now I'm not talking about the kind of look in the mirror where you find your faults and wallow in your weaknesses. I'm not talking about the kind of look in the mirror where you diagnose yourself via the "latest thing" or take a pill or a shot as an anesthetizer. No, I'm talking about the look in the mirror that is honest for a reason. The kind that acknowledges your faults, accepts them BUT also looks to improve them. Not through some obsessive regimented ritual but through process. A process that changes not just the mind...but eventually has the heart follow as well and contrary to popular belief...it's NOT automatic.
Readin books and doing self-affirmations are nice and all but looky here: "if I can't apply it...I ain't gon' buy it". That's my quote...eat your heart out Johnny Cochran lol I don't care if it's "Nietzsche" or some 5000 year old manuscript. Some folk read this stuff just to tell folk that are easily impressed "this is in my library...I'm wise and/or better than you in some way" but never think to ask...how does this apply to me in the world I must exist in right now. These books try to tell you who you should be and how to achieve the "you from your best life". I halfway expected the follow-up to read: "for just 6 EZ payments of 29.99!!". Truth is they will help you like a muscle suit makes you feel big under clothes if you can't apply them in the same way you would train real muscle. If you don't deal with the underlying issues, forget about becoming more "in truth" and to deal with the underlying issues...you need to find them. THAT is where the mirror comes in...
In my mirror, I found that it's easy for me to forgive. I wish I could say that it's because I'm such a good person but the truth is that this virtue, like most qualities, has a lot to do with perspective. In each case...understanding. To understand the frailty of humanity is to see the "why" in everything that was done to you or said about you. To understand the intricacies and nuances of the soul. To understand that not every perceived evil is in fact an "evil" but instead an inherent flaw within the workings of humanity itself. This does not apply to those that will hurt you because they get off on it. These we deal with how we must. I'm talking about those that have a human "why" to their flaws (and I ain't talkin mommy/daddy issues). Where do we find these "flaws"? In the damn mirror. In speaking to my Lord, I speak to One that can read my thoughts and hearts intent so knowing this forces me to be honest to my core. Some choose to speak to themselves. Where their other self is allowed to be brutally honest. You'd be surprised how many times we've thought through a thing STILL lying to ourselves. STILL trying to make ourselves out to be better than we actually are. It's incredible how many notions humans carry about themselves that began as a "fake it to make it" that are still in the "fake it" stage and they don't even know it. This is where nuance comes in...woof...
Nuance is incredibly important in all this because sometimes, our brutally honest selves can lead us in the wrong directions without it. To give you an example, your brutally honest self can say "truth is, I don't love my cat" (falling in line with the stereotypical brutally honest person...always sh*t talkin) and you will accept this because it sounds honest yes? Most would...but I don't stop there. I would argue and ask "but can you live without the cat?" Brutally honest self would answer: "Oh hell yes!!!..." as you then start feeling a sense of immense loss at just the thought of it lol You see understanding nuance would let you know at that very moment that you don't like your cat very much...but you do still love it. Such is the way of things. At that point I would ask "well, what don't I like?..." Following that thread to come to a conclusion that is fact based towards a resolution that will either take time or be healed in instant epiphany. "Process" my beautiful people...
As for me and my mirror: As I began to state, I can forgive easily but it's the rest of it where I find myself lacking. I once wrote a post on "pure love". Love as described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13. In effect, to say "this is how God loves". A chapter shared at almost every Christian wedding. Claiming it to vow: "I will love you as God loves". In my post I acknowledge something very difficult. When you read it as it was written...it is a near impossibility to love this way wearing this human suit and I say this as a man that desires to love this way with a passion that bleeds this need daily. The purest denial of self is what I seek in this regard. I parallel it in the bedroom (well...a statement that kind of explains a lot) but more than anything...I want this oozing from my heart. What people have done or said should no longer bother me in the slightest but they still do. Not in crippling ways but in human ways. I understand this and accept it but my desire for the self expression of this love has become a part of my life's momentary message renewed...why? Well, alongside something that happened before this crisis began, there is now one within the crisis that seriously hurt me that needs me now more than ever before and it is one situation...impossible to walk away from. I need to get this right and with my Lord's help I will. In all it has crystalized all the others and re-initiated this mirrored conversation. Now, although I may not fully express it perfectly in this realm...I can come damn close. This is my happy middle. So I close with this: closeness to God is not about spiritual giftings or authority. These come by virtue of His presence. TRUE closeness to God is identified by love...and I choose to love no matter what. How that is manifested among humans will always be based on us and what the trials of life reveal...but I will always endeavor my heart not be moved. Stay blessed my loves...
Are you with me through it all? Then why can't I feel you?
Stay with me, don't let me go. Because there's nothing left at all
Stay with me, don't let me go. Until the ashes of Eden fall..."
When your facing a serious ongoing crisis (by men's standards) and you're still trying to live out your life as best you can, your brain will instinctively switch into "zero-sum" mode. "This or that" is all it's been conditioned to understand in moments of crisis. I tend to think that it's because it's doing it's best to conserve it's energy for the more pressing issues so it will not suffer standing in line at the Chinese take out readin through a menu that's been read over a million times. Decision making gets short and so will you if you don't keep that in check. A surface answer to my last post...
Oh and on top of that, I tested positive for Covid almost two weeks ago. Due to the combo I take (Quercetin/Zinc/C/D3) on the regular, my symptoms were that of a moderate flu except for one thing...the fatigue. I tried training through it and nearly injured myself so I been holdin back. Thankfully, I made so much progress leading up to this that I'm impressed by what has stuck. Still...training to me is also therapy (among many other things) so this has only made things worse. It's been a cornucopia of sh*t folks and I'm still not giving up. If you all knew what the ongoing crisis was...you'd all appreciate what I just typed a bit more. Trust me...it's not what any of you think it is.
Look, in times like these, like I've said many times, you get to feel everything and today, I had an enlightening conversation. You know, given "what" I am or at least, what I believe my role to be, I always let it go when I've felt slighted for no logical reason because I understood it "came with the gig". You can be the kindest person in the world to someone or love family unconditionally to the point of irreparable sacrifice and they can still stab you in the back. If a stranger does it, you can laugh it off but when someone that has your heart does it, it kind of chucks off a piece of it everytime. As God as my witness (something I NEVER say lightly) I don't care who comes and goes or what folk decide to do. What I do care about is how they manage their comin and goin when it pertains to me. I ask for NOTHING so there is never any pressure. Nor will I ever "take" the way others "take". I have had MANY opportunities handed to me to "take" but I knew that doing so would only cause harm. I opted for doing what was right outside of my own instant gratification out of respect towards the person I could've taken from. All I ever ask for is what should be forthcoming from one human being to another without ever having to voice it...reciprocated respect and honor.
I know a powerful woman that is a gamer extraordinaire. Everyone knows how I feel about "gaming" (relationship-wise...not my thing) but because she honored me enough never to play me or ever think she could "back-pocket" me (insulting)...I perceived her "gaming" was more about "survival of the fittest" than it was about raw power for ego or the childish need to seek validation from her "lessers". She gave me what I gave her...the respect of honesty and transparency. Something that made her all the more desirable to me. She didn't do it to impress me...she did it because it was who she was. Yet because of how real she was...she also knew my value and what I was all about. She wasn't ready for what I was offering at the time as she had a more conventional life to live out then. This was years ago. I understood it then and I understand it now when others are going through the same. Through it all, she knew that I was all I had shown her to be and continued to reciprocate the same respect I had shown her...even when she felt she hadn't. Hadn't spoken to her in years till just recently. She was not and is not perfect (just like me) but what places her where I place her, is the fact that she was always real with me and "real" for me...means respect and honor.
In my life, I've had folk I cared about speak negatively about me behind my back while pretending all was well. Others, that have kept information from me they thought would've changed my posture towards them without need (gamers move). Information that would have been important for the sake my own expectations and mindset to know. I've had family I had cried over and emotionally invested into straight up lie on me to others. Now mind you that these are very rare but the weight of these rest in what these people meant to me. Each time...brush it off...keep lovin on em. "Humans" gonna "human" you dig? Most of them don't even know that I know what I know and I can guarantee you that I didn't go looking for information. Understand this...that everything you do or say comes to light in one way or another. Due to this and "heavier" reasons...stay "correct"...ALWAYS. Do or say nothing in private you wouldn't mind the consequences of if made public...especially towards the person you're speaking about. I in no way excuse this behavior but there are some folk, you just can't cut out of your life just like that. So the next thing becomes inevitable...you back off internally. Something that may actually be worse but given the way some things go down...sometimes, your self-respect gives you no choice. It is the natural human reaction to some situations and is sometimes just as instinctive as the "this or that" I referenced earlier.
Yeah...but just as this defensive reaction is instinctive given the circumstance, "healing" should be the same but it isn't. THAT...is something we need to choose. My Lord has sustained my love even though I found out today (from my conversation) I've not fully healed from such things. Yet like "so much busted plumbing"...most ain't got no time for that either so what do we instinctively want to do? Run away...hide out...become invisible to most of the world. Things I cannot afford to fully do...nor can those that still need me. To remain who and what I am, I have no choice but to "heal" and that ain't gonna be easy given all that's going on. I suppose that makes it worth it then.
Yeah...this is next level sh*t right here. When (not if) I get through this...I'm wondering what will come out the other end. Interesting. You know, I've learned over time that this is also just another one of those things that..."comes with the gig"...I'm out...
~moses apollo
PS: "What gig?". I tried to explain this to folk that were not "raised" as I was before but was only met with confusion or the simplistic criticism of "he must think he's better than everyone else" when if they really understood, they'd know the exact opposite was true. They'd know that one of the pre-reqs of "the gig"...is "knowing one's place" will NEVER be at the front of the line but folk will think what they need to. So no...I'll not be speaking of that. You all can figure that one out on your own if you should so desire...or not ;-)
I have never in my life had to fight so hard to maintain a soft side to my heart. Someone did something small to me today and I was ready to shut them off completely. Without fanfare or discussion...my head just stepped away. No anger...just a feeling of "its time to go". Almost instinctive. It was the strangest thing. No argument or disagreement beyond a slight annoyance but it felt like the beginnings of being unappreciated, played or taken for granted (even though it really wasn't). Took a few seconds for me to see it inside myself and even then it was hard to shake off. Gotta understand folks, I need to remember this. I don't like this at all. Gotta figure this sh*t out...wtf...
I figure everything is taking its toll but it's never been this bad before. If you're going through this, just know you're not the only one...
Found out today that one of my sons' childhood friends with two kids of his own was almost killed tonight in an attack. Something I sadly write up in a dispassionate way. Why dispassionate? I warned a group of them years ago that you can't choose to walk through a clearly marked door expecting something different on the other side of it. Behind every marked door you can expect two things: what you were warned about and as everything else in life...surprises you just can't see comin. As I type this, all I know is that they are trying to stabilize him. Beyond that...nothing else. I told this young man years ago: "the life you're choosing has a ceiling and beneath that ceiling are the high probabilities of jail, death and everything in between. Your daughters are worth more than that". Being right REALLY sucks sometimes. I pray he is well but this is the road he chose. He was warned, counseled and shown love. Sometimes, that's all we're allowed to do as any more would be overstepping. Something that in some cases can be dangerous. Not just for you...but for others you carry with you as well.
We were treated to a phrase a long time ago that stuck. A phrase spoken to a character named Forrest Gump by his mother:
"Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get"
Yeah you read that? Well...it's bullsh*t. First thing you know right off the bat...you gettin chocolate. How do you know? It says so right on the damn box. Hell not even the assortment is a mystery as these boxes usually have a legend you can reference. The only thing you don't know is which one you will like more or which one will send you to the bathroom after you've had it with some strong espresso. So why am I hung up on this? Because we instinctively think "what else could I have done to avert this outcome?". A wholly self-important question...especially after doing all you were permitted to do. We, "the strong" think we could control most things to protect those we care about and we seldom factor in "choice". Get this through your head and heart fast: Beyond the made decision...we are done. Beyond that, all we can do is be there for them as they allow us to and hold them up in prayer. It was a hard lesson I had to learn years ago and I once again share it with you now here. Do not carry a weight that is not yours to carry. Especially after you did everything you could and were rebuffed. I don't care who we're talking about...friend, family, lover etc Not only is it wrong and unnecessary for you...but it could be disastrous in bigger ways later on...
You see them in the pit they chose and you're above it minding the rope at the ready to pull them up if they should ever decide to grab it. You think to yourself that maybe you should climb down there with them because of course you should right? Very bold, very daring, very..."loving" right? Except for a couple of things your superhero ass would've missed: Whose minding the rope then? Whose keeping a clear eye? To do so would remove their only lifeline but hey...you're doing ALL you could right? No...like I said many times before: the seemingly "right" thing to do is not always the correct thing. Your job is to stay sober-minded and vigilant. Live out your life as best you can and pray for the best outcome. You need that and one day, hopefully...so will they. They will need that strong arm to pull them up. Result and consequence are God's teaching tools. As hard as it is to watch at times...we cannot rob them of that. Look back on your own life and tell me I'm wrong. Now don't misunderstand me. I write about this dispassionately, not because I no longer care, but because I am so f*ckin tired of seeing this as he is not even close to being the first I've seen this happen to.
As for you my beautiful people. On a general note, always remember this: if you know how to look, most doors will be clearly marked. We learn this through trial and error once we get past our own self-flagellation over the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" phase. Only after we've come to accept that errors in judgment are a part of life and living itself can we see all the markings. We come to learn that every door carries the risk of surprise past the signage. Some good...some bad. Some we know to avoid altogether but ALL should be vetted properly before entering. Each will always carry a level of known expectation based on said signage alone but vet them well and always take your "tools" with you...no matter what.
On a side note: For me, the ones marked "clear roads ahead" are usually the most precarious as I have found out through experience...there is no such thing. It's kinda like reaching into an unmarked box that has what looks like chocolates in it with no legend to reference what is what. You seriously gonna eat that sh*t? Momma Gump obviously did and look how Forrest turned out!!! I REALLY hate that phrase!! Anyway...stay hip, stay sober-minded and please keep this young man and his family in prayer. I'm out...
It continues even outside the scope of what we thought was a fixed point. Beyond the scope of internal growth. Causality, action/reaction and relationship dynamics...all play a part in our evolutionary process. What do I mean? Consider your children or even yourself as a child hitting milestones in life. Milestones that seem to draw you away from friends or family you seem to outgrow. Graduating high school, getting that first degree, your first true love or even moving into your new apartment...all milestones that require loss of baggage in the form of people, places or things. In some cases the outgrowth is real and tangible but in others...it ain't always so cut and dry.
I remember the day I had to take my boys to school for the first time. After taking care of them as infants and toddlers, I now had to drop them off in a strange place. Not knowing if they would feel sad at my absence, if they'd eaten all their food or if their playtime made them laugh. How would these strangers know them well enough to comfort them. Though two years apart, I cried both times and called my then-wife to complain about how much I felt like a sucker for doing so. It felt like a loss but the hard reality was...it was simply evolution.
The transition from one path that diverges into two is probably one of the hardest to quantify. Sometimes we see it comin but we are seldom ever prepared enough to get through it unscathed in one form or another. We get so used to the path we're on, we plan for a future we were shown based on it alone. Not knowing that possibly staying on that path would keep us incomplete for the future we were expecting to materialize. It's a tricky thing to see in the moment of divergence but when the dust of it's overwhelming nature settles...it soon becomes clear enough.
You weren't wrong to see the future you saw. You were only wrong in how you thought you would get there. Destiny is destiny. It's like a lava flow that will burn through everything to create a better path towards the end you were designed for. A design that will always pull you in the direction you are suited for...ready or not. Your heart will show you and your mind will follow. The trick is knowing when your mind is jumping ahead of itself and that is never an easy thing to see, accept...or even course correct. Choices, misdirection, arguments and other incidentals will force the evolutionary process forward. After doing all we can to make sense of it all, all we can do is accept their outcome knowing something profound. What is meant to be...will be.
I know enough to hold fast to what I "know" in my heart to be true and that will never change. The process and the choices others decide to take is out of our control. All I can do is trust my Lord to get me there...and that is enough to keep me at peace with all I see happening around me. The dust is settling and though some things may still look grim, my heart is advancing past the shock of it all into a place of acceptance. There are some you know you've outgrown and yet there are others that needed to venture into a path without you to eventually become what you both will need in a day that was always destined to arrive.
I sail the skies and trust the wind...even as I sit in the eye of the storm. Much love...my beautiful people. Be at peace...
"Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to kill
And there's no comin' back and they just laugh at how I feel
And these monsters can fly, and they'll never say die
And there's no goin' back, if I get trapped I'll never heal
Yeah, my monsters are real..."
Is it pain? Grief? Confusion? I don't think so. This may just be the part of the game where I meet the "Big Boss" before the final prize. Where he overwhelms you by throwing everything at you that you had to face in the game one at a time at different levels. Yeah, that's it...right?
I remember walking into a dentists office years ago with severe pain from an impacted molar. He was the only one I could find at that hour that would take a walk-in. Told him the issue, he sat me down, gave me some local anesthesia and off he went tryin to pull the tooth. What a sight. Here is this dentist with powerlifter arms...sweatin. Tryin to get at this thing while his assistant has this worried look on her face. All of a sudden: "CRACK!!!" Yeah, he got some of the tooth out but it came off the bone. He and his assistant were sportin the hardest "oh sh*t" look I've yet to ever see again on anyone else's face. Why? Well...I started laughing. I found the whole thing preposterous and to be upset would just be stupid. Poor young chick was horrified as I sat there laughing my ass off with blood runnin off the side of my mouth. All I could think of was "yeah, this'll make for a good story". A little sadistic but fun yeah?
Count up all I've been through and am still going through...damn if it ain't funny to me. If you could see the high-rise complex I'm holding up as it gets hit by every manner of storm, sabotage, foolishness, sickness and circumstance, you'd tell me to "let it go" but you see...too many folks live in it and I find it funny that God has me holdin it all up by a beam...ONE beam. It's all I see day in, day out. It's all I eat and drink. I train my body holding it...I make love holding it...I carry it with me everywhere I go. I shower with the freakin thing...and I find it hilarious. The seriousness and the weight of it all is not for the average soul and I wonder sometimes...I just do. To "ask" and only get back the answers you already know can be frustrating while at the same time...oddly comforting. The security of..."knowing"...
Everyone has "issues"...both internal and external. Then some like myself...face real world ordeals of life and death on a pretty average day. The only ones fully aware are the ones directly involved but most will never know it. Nor will most ever appreciate the gravity if I tell them as I will tell them like I'm readin off Tuesdays' special off the corner diner's menu. White noise after midnight seepin off an old school circa 1974 TV set...just for me...
Through it all, I know I'll be alright. My Lord has proven that time and time again. It's just goin through some things bearing and holding fast to all that you are is THE trial of all trials. I tell you the truth: You are not deemed strong by simply getting through an ordeal. You are deemed strong when you've come through with your heart not just intact...but stronger and wiser than it was goin in. So my love, I say to you...endure. After every t's been crossed and every i's been dotted...it's all you've left to do. Much love...
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