Contemplating on my last post, I realized some of you come here to read words of encouragement, love or beauty and that's understandable given most of my writings. You might be saying to yourselves "damn...he's still at this?" but if you know me you'll know there's usually a "method to my madness". My "method" here is quite simple: First, it's my blog and "I'll cry if I want to" and secondly, it's not enough for me that you see strength, resolve or enduring love. I want you to know how I get there ;-) I want you to see that in this process there will be moments of anger, frustration, confusion, pain and bitterness and I want you to realize why I believe most people get stuck. This pop psychology bullsh*t age will tell them to "accept" what they feel (which is correct) but will never tell them to heal from these things by finding a way to reconcile each through the "truth" of the mirror...
It's so easy to label this or that these days that it's no wonder more than half the population of the US seems to be housed by emotional neophytes. Too harsh for you? Take a good hard look in the mirror and find out that being easily offended is wholly a "me not you" issue. Perfect segue huh? Yes, I am glorious...show me later lol Now I'm not talking about the kind of look in the mirror where you find your faults and wallow in your weaknesses. I'm not talking about the kind of look in the mirror where you diagnose yourself via the "latest thing" or take a pill or a shot as an anesthetizer. No, I'm talking about the look in the mirror that is honest for a reason. The kind that acknowledges your faults, accepts them BUT also looks to improve them. Not through some obsessive regimented ritual but through process. A process that changes not just the mind...but eventually has the heart follow as well and contrary to popular belief...it's NOT automatic.
Readin books and doing self-affirmations are nice and all but looky here: "if I can't apply it...I ain't gon' buy it". That's my quote...eat your heart out Johnny Cochran lol I don't care if it's "Nietzsche" or some 5000 year old manuscript. Some folk read this stuff just to tell folk that are easily impressed "this is in my library...I'm wise and/or better than you in some way" but never think to ask...how does this apply to me in the world I must exist in right now. These books try to tell you who you should be and how to achieve the "you from your best life". I halfway expected the follow-up to read: "for just 6 EZ payments of 29.99!!". Truth is they will help you like a muscle suit makes you feel big under clothes if you can't apply them in the same way you would train real muscle. If you don't deal with the underlying issues, forget about becoming more "in truth" and to deal with the underlying issues...you need to find them. THAT is where the mirror comes in...
In my mirror, I found that it's easy for me to forgive. I wish I could say that it's because I'm such a good person but the truth is that this virtue, like most qualities, has a lot to do with perspective. In each case...understanding. To understand the frailty of humanity is to see the "why" in everything that was done to you or said about you. To understand the intricacies and nuances of the soul. To understand that not every perceived evil is in fact an "evil" but instead an inherent flaw within the workings of humanity itself. This does not apply to those that will hurt you because they get off on it. These we deal with how we must. I'm talking about those that have a human "why" to their flaws (and I ain't talkin mommy/daddy issues). Where do we find these "flaws"? In the damn mirror. In speaking to my Lord, I speak to One that can read my thoughts and hearts intent so knowing this forces me to be honest to my core. Some choose to speak to themselves. Where their other self is allowed to be brutally honest. You'd be surprised how many times we've thought through a thing STILL lying to ourselves. STILL trying to make ourselves out to be better than we actually are. It's incredible how many notions humans carry about themselves that began as a "fake it to make it" that are still in the "fake it" stage and they don't even know it. This is where nuance comes in...woof...
Nuance is incredibly important in all this because sometimes, our brutally honest selves can lead us in the wrong directions without it. To give you an example, your brutally honest self can say "truth is, I don't love my cat" (falling in line with the stereotypical brutally honest person...always sh*t talkin) and you will accept this because it sounds honest yes? Most would...but I don't stop there. I would argue and ask "but can you live without the cat?" Brutally honest self would answer: "Oh hell yes!!!..." as you then start feeling a sense of immense loss at just the thought of it lol You see understanding nuance would let you know at that very moment that you don't like your cat very much...but you do still love it. Such is the way of things. At that point I would ask "well, what don't I like?..." Following that thread to come to a conclusion that is fact based towards a resolution that will either take time or be healed in instant epiphany. "Process" my beautiful people...
As for me and my mirror: As I began to state, I can forgive easily but it's the rest of it where I find myself lacking. I once wrote a post on "pure love". Love as described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13. In effect, to say "this is how God loves". A chapter shared at almost every Christian wedding. Claiming it to vow: "I will love you as God loves". In my post I acknowledge something very difficult. When you read it as it was written...it is a near impossibility to love this way wearing this human suit and I say this as a man that desires to love this way with a passion that bleeds this need daily. The purest denial of self is what I seek in this regard. I parallel it in the bedroom (well...a statement that kind of explains a lot) but more than anything...I want this oozing from my heart. What people have done or said should no longer bother me in the slightest but they still do. Not in crippling ways but in human ways. I understand this and accept it but my desire for the self expression of this love has become a part of my life's momentary message renewed...why? Well, alongside something that happened before this crisis began, there is now one within the crisis that seriously hurt me that needs me now more than ever before and it is one situation...impossible to walk away from. I need to get this right and with my Lord's help I will. In all it has crystalized all the others and re-initiated this mirrored conversation. Now, although I may not fully express it perfectly in this realm...I can come damn close. This is my happy middle. So I close with this: closeness to God is not about spiritual giftings or authority. These come by virtue of His presence. TRUE closeness to God is identified by love...and I choose to love no matter what. How that is manifested among humans will always be based on us and what the trials of life reveal...but I will always endeavor my heart not be moved. Stay blessed my loves...
~moses apollo
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