"but I can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun
you got your hair combed back & your sunglasses on, baby
I can tell you, my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone..."
Life is funny sometimes. A bunch of things can hit all at once & you can be so overwhelmed, that you'll miss the message. This time around, I thank God I haven't.
It has been a part of my code to keep my distance from women I've had the privileged of connecting with once they began entertaining another, as they and I have always been free to do. It avoids being accused of being the impetus for break-ups, jealousies or arguments on the part of their significant other. I kept to boundaries imposed by my own sense of honor but I have come to the conclusion that the price for such a thing may have been too high. There were times when my presence could have gone a long way but my code wouldn't allow it. Even just being there for them... it's what I'm made of. I can no longer deny being who I am just because someone will take it the wrong way. In short, I've come to the conclusion that this is not a "me problem" & for far too long, I have held that it was.
To a tee, almost all of these "men" I stayed away for turned out to be duds. "Summer boys" that came & went with agendas. Due to this, I feel foolish showing honor to the dishonorable. Letting down those I loved for something that couldn't even survive on its own. Well... I'm done doin that. A friend recently needed me & I decided that I could not turn her away. If her "man" had a problem with it... it was no longer my issue. My issue was her. He ain't got nothin to do with me, nor do I have anything to do with him... something he should consider himself blessed for.
From now on, I will allow them to set the boundaries they want (as always... without judgment) but it won't be comin from me anymore. I held to discretion in every situation & this will be no different if that's what they should choose. I will be all that I will be & more. Now folks, you can take this as an amendment to my code but you can also take this as a lesson. What lesson? That it doesn't matter how seasoned you are. A man or woman set in their ways will never grow beyond the limits of their mindset. Even one as open & free as mine can be amended for the better. Besides, I can always add a bit more salt to my seasoning. I am who & what I am... I'm out
"there's twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong. with all my excuses
still twenty-four strong, but see I'm not copping out (x3). when You're raising the dead in me.
i am the second man now..."
I often get folks wondering how I can be "as understanding" as I am... I just chuckle and think of the phrase a beautiful soul left with me years ago: "I come by it honestly"...
Folks will look at your character, your body and your temperament (etc) as a finished product they are inspired by but seldom ever ask the most relevant question: "the sauce is great... but how exactly is that sauce made?" They think I will always come up with the most profound conclusion as soon as I take in the information. Some things are easy to figure over time but some things, the things that hit closer to "home"... take time to chew on before you can digest and articulate the right conclusion. Heavy emotions can blind your objectivity when it is needed the most. In other words, when heavy emotions are wrapped up into something taking place, I will entertain the most surface take imaginable when I should be showing those closest to me the most grace. Given that, my emotions will be inspired by that take and nine times out of ten... I WILL be in error. Error I try not to speak on or act on. Now, the difference between the mature and the immature is this: the mature will revisit that take and dig deeper into empathy (not to excuse an offense but to understand if there was malice behind it or if it was something you might consider doing under the same circumstances) to figure out what's really going on OR they will revisit how they saw that information to begin with. In the end, your perspective will change and as a result, your outlook and stance towards a person or an event will change as well. THAT is how the sauce is made and it is precisely why I have posted my initial thoughts on a thing AS WELL AS its progression towards the development of grace in my soul.
In your lives, you will see folk do things you will ascribe malice to or you will not take the time to try to understand the whys or the details of what actually happened. You will allow yourself to settle into an aggrieved, angry or disappointed mindset because that is the easiest route to take. To take any other route will require you to show some measure of grace and that is something this era is no longer capable of. To defy the era is to show yourself to be a truly understanding soul.
Sometimes the seasoned heart will entertain the wrong thought as a process to reach the right one. I am no better than anyone else in that department. You just don't know how much self-reflection or prayer it took to get me to a place of deep understanding. This is why I give folks I am close to the benefit of the doubt at the first whiff of something seeming "off". It's not that I'm a pushover in any sense of the word. That's just me not wanting to distance myself from someone I care about simply because they were just being human. After awhile without clarity (and that could mean years) I just back off without judgment, anger or disappointment. Why? because I don't know enough to come to any conclusions. The immature will stick to the surface explanation as justification for how they are feeling and acting... I just can't do that. Not because I'm better than you, but because after being on the receiving end of that, I endeavored to overcome that within myself. I encourage you all to do the same. Better sauce... better flavor... I'm out...
~moses apollo
Quick note: given the events that have been taking place around the world as of late, I need to make clear THAT is NOT what I'm talking about. In attempting to show empathy to these killers, we can clearly understand what turned them into animals, why they did what they did & why they will face justice for it... as well as those that inspired the mindset behind their animalistic actions. True empathy does not excuse... it clarifies. No, in this post I'm talking about you and me... the everyday soul that walks the streets or surfs the internet. I may or may not post about what happened to Irena and Charlie someday... or I may not. If I wrote anything now, it would be driven by an anger and a frustration that some might take to mean the wrong thing. I aim to be responsible. So if you thought I was talking about them, go back and re-read what I just wrote as though I were talking about how you feel towards someone you had a misunderstanding with or someone you are holding a grudge against over something, that in retrospect... can actually be seen as not a good enough reason to cut them out of your life altogether.
"...life is short, I wanna live it well. one life, one story to tell..."
In all my comings and goings, you that have read my blog for quite some time will know that I squeeze out lessons from experience like one would squeeze out the water from a sponge. My sister's passing has been no different and one of the lessons I have been ruminating on since that day came to me from something I experienced in her hospital room:
On that last day, I had a flash in my head... a kind of "vision" if you like. I saw myself in a room and as I stood in its center, everything around me began to rearrange itself. A chair and some furniture disappeared and everything seemed to reconfigure on its own. Almost the way stagehands rearrange the sets in a play between acts. Except that here, the stagehands were invisible. As I stood there watching this happen, I heard a voice say "this transition is part of your existence... you will see many of these in your lifetime. you will need to adapt." I understood what it meant and it offered me a kind of peace. Almost a settling into the idea that everyone I knew would move on and that everything I took as permanently accessible would fade into eternity at one point or another. That this... was still "life" and even though the pain I feel has grown silent, I still can't seem to talk about it as freely as I'd like without losing my breath to emotion. I can hear about it fine. I can navigate through it ok... but I just can't seem to talk about it yet. I have buried myself in tying up the loose ends she left behind like a man on a singular mission. With my own telling me "how do you do it?." I only respond by telling them I compartmentalize but that's only half the story. I've always been a man of duty. God did that in me early on and when I set my mind to accomplish a thing, I go until my part in the effort is done. This "flash" I had let me know that this will not be the last time I have to endure this so I am endeavoring to find out how to get everything right the first time around.
As for sister's passing, I can truly say, I seek no "reasons" beyond that which is before me. It was just her time. My brother told me that he was shocked to find out that the shunt they had placed in her brain at a very young age was meant to expire and be replaced more than twenty years ago. The fact that this never happened is a miracle to doctors in the know. In essence, my brother concluded that God granted her extra decades. Decades that she spent lifting up almost everyone she came in contact with. Through many trials and uphill climbs, she always managed to make someone take note of her heart... and by extension, their own. Sh*t... it's hard to even write this.
Folks, what many call "death" is a part of life and although the body may not endure... our design is eternal. The transitions rearrange everything into new orders and we who remain are left to live out those new orders for the acts that are meant to follow. We breathe, we stand, we walk. All with a fresh understanding. An understanding that reveals just how beautiful life and love should be. Why? Because we are reminded that all we have and all we know can leave us at any time. So why not stop taking them for granted. Embrace your love... love on those you care about. Embrace your purpose and endeavor to leave a mark that outlasts even what man calls death. Some speed up this time living a reckless life but there are those that are able to live it well and when their time comes, they and everyone around them can say with a heavy heart: "ok... goodbye... till we meet again". I'm out...
