In all my comings and goings, you that have read my blog for quite some time will know that I squeeze out lessons from experience like one would squeeze out the water from a sponge. My sister's passing has been no different and one of the lessons I have been ruminating on since that day came to me from something I experienced in her hospital room:
On that last day, I had a flash in my head... a kind of "vision" if you like. I saw myself in a room and as I stood in its center, everything around me began to rearrange itself. A chair and some furniture disappeared and everything seemed to reconfigure on its own. Almost the way stagehands rearrange the sets in a play between acts. Except that here, the stagehands were invisible. As I stood there watching this happen, I heard a voice say "this transition is part of your existence... you will see many of these in your lifetime. you will need to adapt." I understood what it meant and it offered me a kind of peace. Almost a settling into the idea that everyone I knew would move on and that everything I took as permanently accessible would fade into eternity at one point or another. That this... was still "life" and even though the pain I feel has grown silent, I still can't seem to talk about it as freely as I'd like without losing my breath to emotion. I can hear about it fine. I can navigate through it ok... but I just can't seem to talk about it yet. I have buried myself in tying up the loose ends she left behind like a man on a singular mission. With my own telling me "how do you do it?." I only respond by telling them I compartmentalize but that's only half the story. I've always been a man of duty. God did that in me early on and when I set my mind to accomplish a thing, I go until my part in the effort is done. This "flash" I had let me know that this will not be the last time I have to endure this so I am endeavoring to find out how to get everything right the first time around.
As for sister's passing, I can truly say, I seek no "reasons" beyond that which is before me. It was just her time. My brother told me that he was shocked to find out that the shunt they had placed in her brain at a very young age was meant to expire and be replaced more than twenty years ago. The fact that this never happened is a miracle to doctors in the know. In essence, my brother concluded that God granted her extra decades. Decades that she spent lifting up almost everyone she came in contact with. Through many trials and uphill climbs, she always managed to make someone take note of her heart... and by extension, their own. Sh*t... it's hard to even write this.
Folks, what many call "death" is a part of life and although the body may not endure... our design is eternal. The transitions rearrange everything into new orders and we who remain are left to live out those new orders for the acts that are meant to follow. We breathe, we stand, we walk. All with a fresh understanding. An understanding that reveals just how beautiful life and love should be. Why? Because we are reminded that all we have and all we know can leave us at any time. So why not stop taking them for granted. Embrace your love... love on those you care about. Embrace your purpose and endeavor to leave a mark that outlasts even what man calls death. Some speed up this time living a reckless life but there are those that are able to live it well and when their time comes, they and everyone around them can say with a heavy heart: "ok... goodbye... till we meet again". I'm out...
~moses apollo
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