Superman...

"...well it's alright.  You can all sleep sound tonight.  I'm not crazy; or anything..."

This song can be interpreted in many different ways.  For me?  It's a song about being perceived a certain way.  You are Superman or "Sman" if you will ;-)  You fly in more times than not saving the day.  Most come to you because they know they will find something there.  Whether it's a shoulder to cry on or a silent presence in the room.  You don't fail, you don't disappoint...you're not human.  To them you are "larger than life".  They come to you for answers and nine times out of ten...you have them.  What happens when you don't?  What happens when you fail?  That's when they see that all they have been looking at is the costume and not the person wearing it.  This is when you can see who is there "for you" and who is there for themselves. 

At the time of this writing, I only have a handful of people that I can truly say are here "for me".  These are the people that check in on you.  They ask if you "need to talk".  Even if it's just once and awhile...they think of "you".  They are true and they will be there for life.  I am thankful...I know I am blessed.  Yet if honesty is my art then I must also say...I am so scared to disappoint.  Especially when it comes to my children.

We will all fail at one time or another.  We will all fall short.  ALL my heroes have let me down except for One.  Yet the knowledge of this should never keep us from allowing ourselves to create environments where those close to us can breathe.  It's "what we do"...do it well

My Candle...

"As an artificial light gleams off my computer screen, there is a candle doing it's very best to remain relevant."

It's burning hotter than usual as it dances to the classics gently playing in the background.  I can see it peripherally as it tries to grab my attention...it's got it.  Yet my gaze is set on sharing what it means to me.

It means that no matter where I go or what I do...it will always burn true.  It will always fuel passion.  It will always remind me to appreciate the heaven within both the art of God and man.  It will always be the second thing I can truly call "my need" for in it...is my solice.  So long as my candle burns...I will always be a man of passion. 

It's 5:10 AM...

And I'm listening to Cinematic Orchestra.  I've played my guitar and have gotten to the place where I can pass out.  Yet it all feels like it's not enough.  I got news tonight in my state that is probably good but when I awake...I will judge it.

Desperation should never be the determining factor in your decision making.  I've always held to that and have managed to always come out ahead.  On a different note...I have people to see and show love to.  They have kept me loved and sane throughout it all yet I have no time.  They have been my anchors...my embraces.  I don't know if it's the beer or the music but I miss them.  Whether I have seen them three weeks ago or it's been two years...I miss them.  That will never change...

I want to show them what they mean to me...

I Think I'm In Love...

With the imperfections of humanity...

2 Corinthians 12:9
"And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest on me."

You know in all my years I have seen people pronounce themselves strong but let slip out weakness once and a while.  They hide the fact that they are not all together and all the advice coming from them carries a judgemental tone.  To "glory in your weakness" just means that you always remember where you came from.  It means that so long as you live in this world, you understand that you will always be susceptible to your weakness.  Accept them, watch them and find out how to put them on the back burner of your soul.  Even turning them around into a strength.

You righteous...I remember you when you stole and cheated.  I remember you when you lied countless times.  I remember you when you had no answers.  I'm not impressed by the facade but I won't say sh*t.  The people that did all these things may have changed their circumstance but circumstance cannot change the heart.

I am in love with my frailty...it makes me who I am.  I am f*cked up and proud of it because it only means I will never stop improving.  I glory in my weaknesses...

Oh yeah...aleluya

Kiss Goodbye...

"...wish it well and close your eyes..."

I feel the need to write about this song.  A song I've been listening to a lot lately.  It's a very "telling" piece I heard for the first time a bit over a year ago under hard circumstances.  I remember where and when I heard it but looking back at all that has taken place, I understand it more today than when it was introduced to me.

Generically, it is a song about "letting go" of a dream.  A dream that has been planned and worked for.  Desired with all the passion and sacrifice you could muster.  Something you want "badly".  Yet as life would have it, sometimes you miss something in all your planning.  A piece, a cog...something that assists in making everything work.  When you find that piece missing, it's time to rearrange things...no matter how much it hurts.  Otherwise you run the risk of an incomplete and failed dream.  There are pieces of me that are great but there are pieces of me that are lacking as well.  Anyone can tell me "don't be so hard yourself...nobodies perfect" but the only way to really become more than you are is to admit where you are failing in life.  Not as something that obsessively tears you down but as a way to set goals and markers that will support real growth.

I can hope beyond hope that one would focus on the "great" alone but reality dictates "holistically".  The "lacking" can and will exhaust the "great".  I saw that happening in the eyes of someone I loved...it almost crushed me.  There were other reasons why things happened the way they did and those lay buried in forgotten memory but the one that has stayed with me is this one;  I was incomplete.

We both got a kiss goodbye...

What is my lesson in all this?  My dreams are big but there are missing pieces.  I've laid my dreams down until I have everything needed for them to prosper.  It sucks to have to refocus and re-tune your mind but if you really want something bad enough...you will find a way to acquire all that is needed.  Gonna do my best to get all that sh*t now...

Tonight Is Good - A Poem by Moe

My wine, my wine came right on time

It thrilled me, chilled me straight sublime
The kind of trance you need some days
That grabs you in so many ways

I speak no lies of things I love
The hell on earth, the God above
Her gentle touch and care for me
As tongue lands where it wants to be

The pendulum, it's swings extreme
From saintly tones to nightly cream
The light, the dark we carry both
The light of this is called real growth

To see the good and bad the same
And all be due from whence I came
For joy and pain they stand in line
Tonight is good for my new wine

~MAA

She Remembers...

Someone beautiful once told me that many will forget what you say or do but they will never forget how you made them feel.  Hang around this man long enough...you'll understand it too.

She has chosen to ignore it all and do her best to live her life.  She has chosen a double-edged sword whose cut is deep and maiming.  She has chosen to forget for the very same reason she doesn't want to remember...it hurts too damn much.  She cries at times because of the contention within her heart and mind.  She is in love with someone she cannot have.  Not because he doesn't want her...but because he cannot hold on to her the way she is deserving to.  You see his hands never really healed right.  After tasting such a thing; she is right to stay away and she is right to say hello.  The choices left to her.

For the understanding man...there is no confusion.  He knows he cannot turn the sun black or pick at the stars in the heavens no matter how much he prays or wishes.  He knows where his heart is and it has long since surrendered to love.  He cannot nor will he fight it but he will do his best to be responsible with it.  His struggle at times leaves him believing that the best option is to leave it all behind but it's hard to walk away from greatness.  He will always remember those that stand afar, those that stand near and those that are just not sure where they should stand...if at all.

"after coming home late one night, he staggered into his room, took off his clothes and laid next her.  His eyes not fully open, he began to feel her side of the bed and found relief at the touch of her shoulder"

She remembers...

Funny Thing Happened...

On the way to "stability"...

I found it chaotic.  I found it dangerous without set paths.  I found it a place where love and heartbreak are standard.  I found it "insane" where I thought insanity could not reside and I found out that "stability" needs "instability" to even sustain itself for a man of passion.

The one thing that brings me comfort..."I found it".

Stability is not based on your circumstance or environment.  It is based on your state of mind throughout the good and the bad that comes your way.  You will have moments where you "buckle" under pressure.  Moments where you drink yourself silly and even moments where you muster the God-given strength to say "F*ck this!!!"  This never determines your level of strength.  It only determines your level of humanity.

This is life.  Full of "unexpecteds".  So I keep this in mind;  We won't always struggle.  We won't always have to say goodbye and we won't always feel the need to give power to those things that torment us.  If we truly live...we will face it all and the more we face the stronger we get.  Sh*t...I'm f*cking Superman.

Funny thing happened on the way to "stability".  I found it unstable... 

So Much More - A Poem by Moe

the morrow's sun is mine alone

from wreckage blooms what I will own

for what was born to kill the seed

has sharpened points of grace I need

cut me, I have long since bled

most weakness in me left for dead

my skin turned pale from all the loss

for years my back borne heavy cross

a cross of size and shape unknown

yet one I'm sure I have outgrown

but this I bear till He is done

and till I see my blessed sun

for I have yet a ways to go

roads and paths I've yet to know

faces I have yet to meet

softened smiles I've yet to greet

so forward is my pace of late

pushing on right through the gate    

the gate that leads me to the door

with keys in hand for so much more

MAA~

Friday...

Yep...one more time

I read this is party night.  I read this night is about revelry and indulgence.  I read about people f*cking and getting f*cked.  That sh*t don't move me in the slightest.  Well...maybe the "f*cking" thing lol  Yet even then I require someone special.  All in all, give me a good band or dancer to soak in some real artistry or give me a night with someone I know is worthy of me...it more than "satisfies" me.  I don't know if it's age or "seasoning" but since having a family my life has been that of someone that values time and I see no "midlife crisis" looming on the horizon.  Maybe at most I'll get a motorcycle or something lol 

If I give you any time or space it's because I've seen something in you.  I know you worthy of more than even you do.  I see so much in you that is beyond me that I thank my God to have even crossed your path.  I am not shy about my own esteem so seeing you as "greater" means all the much more.  Some take it for granted, some don't give a sh*t and others?...they just have trouble believing it.

I'm not like anyone else you will ever meet...I am who I say I am...      

Nuggets...

Officially blue!!!

Sh*t...

Acceptance...

You ever have a "Zen" moment?  Where you travel to a place of "acceptance".  Where the quiet song overtakes you and your fate surrounds you.  Where you allow yourself time to stop fighting...time to stop diverting.  Like falling off a cliff backwards into the wind.  Where there is no place for you to go but what God has decided.  You hold it off for as long as you can...but "still".  You take it in like a breath and then release the grip you had on whatever kept you from laying down on that beautiful bed called "providence".  This "acceptance" comes after you've raised your head from grief...if you let it. 

Like grief, these moments do not last so make the best of them while you can...

9:37 PM...



I am drunk.  I'm not even speaking metaphorically...I am piss drunk right now.  Why? 

My time gets shorter in this life I've known for the past two years and I am fully aware of all that really means.  We always think the grass is greener on the other side but the truth is...it's all just grass.  Every road has it's own potholes and every direction you take towards fulfillment is difficult.  The people and things you have to say goodbye to with every transition is literally heartbreaking at times but looking at the bigger picture, you think all will be ok in the long run.  You pray these decisions will finally bring you and all those around you peace of mind.  You pray these roads make you a better man.  You pray to God that you learn the new "rules of the road" quickly and that you don't fail to do all you said you would.

That nifty new job with the hefty pay raise helps but it doesn't do it.  The car, the clothes, the parties...all sh*t that serves as a diversion from the bigger issue...you.

I am not drunk this early without reason.  I'm just really hoping that my decisions are right.  If not?  F*ck it...

This Thing Called Love...

I placate my fate with my middle finger as I become a singer of all that is "love".  Sweetened meat to entreat with targeted flame.  Game?  Game is for the sucker whose lips pucker for what he thinks he needs.  He feeds on the heart with his second best part only to find empty.  For me?  Give me insanity to rest my vanity on this thing called love.

If I die when she says goodbye...I'm alive... 

My Hotel Room...



The night has crossed my mind...



Summer carries me home into a beat down hotel room.  The bed creaks as I sit to contemplate the night's fate.  I take off my shirt as I get up to open the window.  The fan oscillating only hot air.  The only source of light; a dim lamp and the clear moon coming through the window.  Dry sweat on my skin as a hot breeze pushes forward the sheer curtains ever so slightly.  My music is hypnotic.  My groove is lucid...I'm hungry and she wants to see me.  It's gonna be a long night...

Sleep Tonight...

You're on chapter 6 and there are still some things that remain unclear.  Within all the suspense and intrigue you forget that some clues were left in chapter 3.  Things you glossed over because you thought them unimportant.  They were always part of a bigger picture but required detailed attention.  Chapter 6 gives you the "what" while chapter 3 was instrumental in leading you there.  Go back and reread what you missed with all your new information.  Maybe then you'll begin to put together this book of anagrams called "life".  Where word and emotion can easily juxtapose at the turn of a page.

I believe that past is passed but I also believe that to dismiss it when it still has residual effects is a mistake leading to repeated failure.  Scars from previous chapters have either weakened me or given me an unbelievable strength and that is worth examination.  It's more than just a lesson.  It becomes part of our make-up.  Creating street lights where they didn't exist a fore time ago.  Listen to the elders that are nearing the closing of their book altogether and you'll find one strong commonality..."la vida es vida".  If you do the best you can with what you have...it's worth being passionate about.

Live your book as though it were a puzzle needing to be pieced together and do your best to find the closest answers you can while it still can make a difference...don't stress it...just live it...

Sleep tonight... 

Her Beauty...

"...may I kiss you...may I kiss you there?..."

I wish I understood more.  I wish I knew all things.  Wishes that only come true when one is old and all mistakes have been made.  Where you look back and begin your sentences with "if I'd known then what I know now...".  That place in time where your chair is your friend.  Where wisdom seldom does you any good anymore...it is now for others.

Tonight I rip off my skin and replace it with the panoramic digital imagery I have of beauty.  A beauty that few actually get to see because they never really take the time to look.  Some get to sleep next to it every night.  They even get to hear beauty say "I love you".  They give nothing but get everything.  Never knowing what they really have...never really caring enough so as to just do "what is required".  The careless try to rob beauties sheen by creating insecurity and self-doubt through sheer neglect.  Where she is then left lonely in a home full of people...now needing to be rebuilt.  I don't know what's worse; seeing it and not being able to keep it...or not seeing it at all.

Beauty is broken and left by the side of the road.  Beauty is anguish at determined greatness that only arrives for hours at a time.  Beauty is hurt and maimed while continuing to hold on to hope for her healing.  Beauty is laughing through the pain and in the process...making others laugh too.  Beauty is self-sustaining under pressure of heavy weight and burden.  Beauty is passionate and knows how to devour flame through release.  Wife, mother, lover, girlfriend...friend.  Titles that do beauty no justice. 

My heart is thankful she can find something in me worthy of her.  I may not be able to keep her but the anguish of such a thing is tempered by what my heart has been privileged to witness...her beauty. 

~Moses Apollo

Inspiration...

Sometimes the door is shut and you try another one.  Sometimes you wait for years for a positive outcome during which time you only see the negative.  Sometimes you never imagine yourself being a parent.

I have friends that serve as an inspiration to me.  Friends that could've given up on a dream, a goal...a new life.  All because it got hard.  Not them.  They chose to brave the storm and wait out the clearing.

I am proud of my brother Denis who today is a proud father.  I am proud of my beautifully strong Yesenia, whose dream of becoming a photographer is coming to fruition.  I am proud of my phenomenal beauty Loreli, that today has dropped her heaviest albatross.

These three have my love in different ways and now even more so...my admiration. 

I always say "It takes amazing to know amazing".  I am happy that it gets to surround me from time to time :-)

Infinite Love...



Of all I know and do not know...internal truths don't change.  They are ever present.  We can choose to ignore them or deal with them and I for one, am never one to ignore them. 

I have chronicled my evolution on this blog.  From a fully surrendered love turned hate into a sober love that found a perpetual home.  I chose my previous relationship as the example because within it, there was so much to glean from.  The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.  In my marriage I studied the art of husbandry so as to be the best husband I could be.  In my relationship, through trial and error, I learned that some things that worked as a husband would never work as a "boyfriend" and most gestures often go under-appreciated or even sometimes...un-appreciated altogether.  I could have held on to bitterness.  I could have hated her for all that happened.  Truth is...nothing that happens robs you of a love that's real and strong.  You are glad you got to live in love.  You feel privileged at the gift of passion irrespective of how it ended.

We finite humans look for beginnings and nicely packaged endings but when it comes to real love...there was never really a beginning...thus there is never really an end.  Love, like God...is infinite.  It just is.  So what do we do?  In this past year I have tried drowning my sorrow with all manner of diversion and vice yet nothing began real healing until I just accepted the truth.  The truth that I will always love those that have come and gone.  They will always hold a place for me.  The only thing that changes is where that love "places" in my life through its manifestation.  The man I am can see them all again.  We can laugh and talk about our day.  We can even share moments of intimacy.  The man I am can love without ownership. 

This is what I learned in my failed relationship.  I tried to recreate my success as a married man but failed to realize my partner and circumstance had changed.  I was not ready for what awaited me so I thought to make myself ready and in the process only added more pain to the mix.  A point I refuse to belabor.  After you get tired of staring at all the failures, you eventually begin seeing the successes and when you decide to hold on to that alone...your peace will come.  You get to the place where the memory of the pain can no longer effect you the same way.

How do you keep it sober?  Don't try to recreate it if there were bad times.  The good may come...but so will the bad.  Love may be blind but it's not stupid...

Unbroken Hand...

"Love, it isn't love, until it's passed"

Hold her heart with broken hand

Feign to see the wedding band

For hope has blinded your brown eyes

With fluttered heart come sun and skies

But when the truth of you is met

The core in place unready yet

To better that which used to be

And stand on soil with one made free

And though all beauty yet abound

And passion's horn should make its sound

To build your home in this new land

Would take a new...unbroken hand  

~Moses