and of course he won't (oh, not until the next time)"
there's something about men of peace, silence and understanding that people tend to miss... they are usually incredibly adept at war. you don't know where they came from and you have no idea all they've had to endure. they can hold their hand over fire and not feel a thing... do you know why? because they've grown accustomed to being singed close to death...
these are the ones you never want to f*ck with and although they HATE having to revert to old ways... they will do so if pushed too far by those thinkin themselves too cute by half. yet buyer beware, when they do, you are not only dealing with someone on a mission, you are also now dealing with someone that is pissed the f*ck off they have to put on an old pair of shoes they never intended on wearing again.
focused, dispassionate, and intrinsically methodical... let's f*cking go...
another foe revealed... another one to now lay vanquished at his feet. his garments reek of battle and his armor is weighed and worn. his sword hand feels of stone from holding it so tight and his blade... strewn in dried blood. he looks stoically upon the field that is now littered with the bodies of his enemies. creatures he has fought in rage and vengeance from all the pain they have wrought against all that he has loved. as the dust of war thickens the air, he can both feel and hear the crackling of dry earth beneath his feet as he walks slowly in sacred contemplation. the air splits in half for him... as if it were making way for one that has won a great battle. he whispers songs of love and the lowliness of kingship... how these are forever his. he sings them as a hush and a stillness in the chaos... a quiet in the heavens as the sun begins to shine in the clearing. to sheath his sword or not to sheath becomes his question. for what awaits on the horizon is always beautiful... but his hand feels of stone. he looks up to his Lord and says "alas... another beautiful day"... he thinks of her once more... this beauty to his beast...
as the clouds began to dissipate and the night sky began to make way for the beauty of its clearing... so did she. shining as brightly as the star he always knew insisted upon staying within his view. as if to say... "love me a little longer my love". while he... instinctively would do the same. there were times he'd materialize from the pressure in the airs he was designed to contend with and this, was graciously one of those times. he found himself standing upon a rock in the middle of an ocean, thinking of her and her artistic design. how he could see her dancing naked upon his horizon... so close yet so far. beautifully swaying in time to a piece of music he had left her the last time they met... dancing as though he was holding her close to his heart and as he watched, there upon that rock... he began to dance as well. underneath a new moon and a plethora of stars... they danced together.
each swaying in the comfort of each others arms for as long as the song played and when the song came to silence... to lovingly sway at the beating of their own twin hearts. all the while basking in the comfort of knowing that there was always something special about their encounter. something special in their meeting... something beautiful in a union gloriously designed to love beyond space and time... shared upon their twin horizons. the beauty of such a thing unmatched by anything come before would soon be lovingly deemed "magic". two souls in demand found themselves in demand for each other. each having something that would single them out from others that existed in their orbit. two sea creatures that came to only materialize in love and war, found a way between all that was fated... to meet for love through desire alone. for purpose, for design, for passion...
so what happens when a family member tells you their father just died 5 minutes ago and you're not only there to listen but to apparently take some of what they feel as well so they don't bear the weight of it all. i actually just found out that the latter is a thing and might be the reason why folk feel better talkin to me... i don't know but after speaking to her brother as well, i can still feel like i got hit in the chest by a steel beam and my shoulders feel weighed down. is that normal? nope, but what the hell is normal anymore? i can tell you what they're feeling and why... which in turn gave me wisdom to counsel. i probably will wind up deleting this one but i have to put this somewhere. i actually feel like my cup has overspilled. both from what i carry myself and from what others have poured in. i'm just sitting here waiting for it to pass, thinking about how many others i may have missed that were important to me... one comes to mind...
someone i loved very deeply was going through a series of things i could feel from a distance. she was in a relationship at the time and when that happens, i usually make it a policy to stay away. simply because it is my experience that if i'm in the picture in any way, shape or form, it will bring problems to that relationship. whether it's from confusion or insecurity on their partners part, i never want to be the reason someone i love fails at finding happiness. in this case, i think i should've been there for more than just some words of encouragement. every part of me wanted to run to her side and hold her as close as any man could hold a woman but my head kept saying "no, you don't want to make her situation worse" and i honestly don't think i'll ever know if i was in the right or in the wrong. it's just one of those things i have to live and learn from. in that particular case, knowing what i know now... i dont think i should've cared all that much what her man would've thought at the time. i could've helped her through it all. not to be some knight in shining armor but to manifest in full the love i truly had for her. to do the utmost of what came naturally... to be the "me" for her... i was designed to be.
and maybe that's the lesson here. maybe investing in taking all that pain is the pinnacle of love's existence. maybe that's why some of us might never be able to sit still. i know there are a few like me reading this now and you may have noticed the same things in your life. i suppose my advice to you is this: never miss the opportunity to be there for those you love. yes, be judicious and mindful never to be led down a path of trials or pains that are not yours to own, but do your best to stand beside them and lead them gently in love to a bearable place. be sure to remember that when you're done... to find yourself a mountaintop to rest and empty out your cup into a river that will receive the waters therein. be at peace. in love... i'm out...
"Wow, after I jumped, it occurred to me: life is perfect. Life is the best, full of magic and beauty, opportunity and television, and surprises, lots of surprises, yeah. And then there's the best stuff, of course, better than anything anyone ever made up cause it's real..."
Waterman had been talking to her for almost 6 months after their first encounter. An encounter that proved to eventually become a turning point in their lives. Two souls out at sea that held back affections out of nobility and character in a place where that was a rare thing. All the while knowing that there would be an eventuality to a love that could blossom... if only given a real chance to breathe. Throughout those 6 months, there was a palpable longing. A desire to reignite an engine that could not be driven at the time of its inception. So out of romantic inspiration, Waterman set out to see her in the hardest of places to get to. He traveled far and on the whole trip there, he imagined a greeting that would be special. He imagined a smile and a warm embrace that would make the journey more than worthwhile. Even if it was just for 5 minutes, to him, it would have been the stuff of poetic legend and he was sure, she would see it the same way.
When he finally arrived, it was late and there was no one around. He tried calling and where she would normally pick up, there was no answer. He waited a bit and decided that since there was no where to stay... he'd be heading back home. He got back into his rental and headed home. On the drive back, his heart had settled into his stomach. He felt numb from the pain and anger. A part of him felt foolish and the other part felt proud. Proud that he had a story to now tell about how far he'd have gone for love. When he got back home, he penned her a scathing "Dear John" letter and told her good luck with her life. Two weeks after that, she answered and told him that she was very sorry but that she had gotten into a work related accident and that it had left her in a coma and hospitalized. Her words on the page were jumbled because she said that she was hit in the head and as a consequence, had to relearn how to speak again. Waterman felt horrible at the scathing letter he had sent so he apologized and kept up with her progress. As time passed, they grew closer at a distance and when it was time to finally explore their feelings... they became a couple.
All was well for awhile and as couples do, they decided to have a night of truth. Where everything and anything that was needed to be asked or revealed would be spoken without fear of judgment or retribution. As truth was revealed, all but two were a bit surprising but digestible and of the two... one was almost unbearable. It turns out that the night he showed up to see her, she was actually watching him from her room. She freaked out at his surprise arrival and feeling like she was unready to see him, she let him leave and made up the story about how she'd been hurt and hospitalized. As he heard this, he kept his cool, looked down and let her finish. This, combined with the other bombshell was gut wrenching to the point of feeling nauseous but the agreement they made in that moment had him forgiving her because they wanted to leave all their cards on the table. He hated to have heard these things but after the dust settled, he was extremely relieved to know that what he suspected all along... was now validated as true by her own admission. He came to trust his intuition more after that... which was a blessing in disguise. They moved forward from that night with some insanely angry sex and allowed their relationship to continue. A relationship that from the moment of that purging... grew freer over time.
As fate would have it, they had there time together... a year of ups and downs. Filled with a crazy passion that both cut and healed at the same time. Something that couldn't be sustained the way they wanted. Eventually separating, he fondly remembers her still but he has also kept certain lessons as guideposts for the future journeys he would take and that is one that has informed his interactions since. He trusts his intuition and his abilities to read anyone and anything but he realized he could no longer trust the unpredictable whims of the human heart and/or mind. She didn't hide in her room because she didn't want to see him. She hid out of panic like someone that wasn't ready to be seen outside their best. Something that would seem so small to others looking from the outside in but something that can be debilitating to one that has ever suffered body issues. All this created a boulder of lies to cover up the embarrassment of how she felt at that moment. Now, understanding will eventually have one move on from such a thing but the lessons of that moment must remain. He has since faced the same to lesser degrees and he's promised himself that he would never step out to make jumps like that unless he was certain beyond his own abilities and intuition that such leaps would be met well. It has hindered him to some extent but it has driven his need for transparency in all things... which has been both a blessing and a curse for him. A blessing because he gets to see brutal honesty before him when its presented and a curse because not many people are bold enough to reveal to you the truth of all they are and all they want...
my ocean is a majestic place. i get to hear her heartbeat there... in places none other can go. it's rhythmic and sublime... beautiful and inviting to all who listen but very difficult for most to map out on a sheet of music. except for me... i can see all the notes in waves above me and in the sea creatures that surround me every time i speak of love. every time i speak of desire and passion, they spill out of her like tears of joy and frustrated passion... all so that i may breathe them in like airs i have come to miss. a siren song for me to cherish till we meet someday soon... a song i can call my own.
i wander neath the moonlight... waiting for the day, the hour and the minute. the moment i materialize into something she can hold... something she can love outside of the cupped hands made to nestle those beautiful memories that have yet to come to pass. she looks for me in the waters... and i can see her beautiful face. i am moonstruck at how beautiful she is in that light and blessed to know that beyond it all... i still "am"...
who am i that should be so blessed? who am i that should be so loved? this navigator that has no ship to bear him hence... yet travels far and wide nonetheless. i am simply... "yours"...
I'd like to share something. Back in the days of my debauchery phase, I was able to map out the times when sexual energies were "peaking". Like a weather man gauges the weather, I have the ability to gauge energy. I came to notice that late February/early March were the times I was sought after the most and I thought myself "the man" until I realized something... Spring was on it's way. What does this mean? Well, it means that the desire for everything new begins to emanate from the earth and makes its way to permeate... into the zeitgeist. As the energies to close chapters are prevalent in the Winter, the energies for new love connections are heightened in the Spring. I came to calling this the season of "Springtime/Flingtime". When I realized this, "at last I knew, I was not magnificent" lol "Glorious" maybe, just not "magnificent" lol Without a doubt, it felt good to be the first one (or even one of the first) women thought of in that haze because those times tend to have you making a choice among the "candidates" in your "feelings" line-up and yes, EVERYONE has a line-up of those they've thought about. If you say you don't, you are straight up lyin out your ass. At that time, I didn't care about the external highs of it. So long as there was a connection, I went with it and I became too "busy" for my own good. After a while, it seemed more meaningful to flow in intimacy without the driving force of it being the high that was in the air so I'd wait a bit to see if it was more than just what was in the atmosphere. Understand that the high does not dismiss the feelings in any way. I just liken it to needing to take a drink or a drug to get intimate. It means more when they're clear eyed and in the midst of the highs and lows of life, it says "I really want YOU" as opposed to "I really want...". The difference is subtle but meaningful.
So having said that, I'll say this... in your thoughts and feelings, be mindful to look inside. Take advantage of the heightened emotions to come to learn the difference between what you WANT and what you NEED. Who pops up first, second and who are the consolation prizes. Take that to heart and wait, measure, feel and reason. Too many wind up jumping to their own detriment at this time. I no longer have that issue. I know what I know and I go with it. I have come to understand that there is an inevitability to things that feel "meant to happen" and due to this, I am released from feeling like "I'm missing out" when an opportunity is missed due to overwhelming circumstances. Those that know me in real life will tell you that I have been known to jump in the past. I've also been one to try to force a thing and call it "initiative". Only for it to wind up going badly because I kicked against a moment I knew deep down had the ability to derail everything. So I've learned since to walk that line, like everything else in my life. Too willy nilly and you could get burned. Too cautious and you might never know how hot it could've been. Some might deem this "overthinking" but with experience comes seasoning and seasoning teaches you how to calculate rather quickly. And for the record, this not only applies to sexual intimacy but also, to simply getting to spend time with somebody. Some settings and times can be too short or too involved to really get a feel for the person you're about to meet or catch up with.
I had a friend that had waited years to get with this chick. I mean he wanted her BADLY. One night she called him up and said that she'd like to get together asap. She asked him where he was and he just so happened to be in the middle of a gig in NY. They gave him a sweet hotel room with a beautiful view. It seemed like the perfect opportunity BUT... he was sick as a dog. Cough medicine, ibuprofen and coffee was his breakfast, lunch and dinner. He called me to tell me she was on her way. I told him, "tell her you're sick and that you're hopped up on meds... DONT DO IT!!" He told me that he wasn't up for it but that he had "waited years to hit that ass" lol Well... long story short: She showed up, they went at it... and "noodles" lol He should have known better. Listen, I don't care how mad she wouldve been had he said "no". I'll take a bit of mad but I will not accept leaving a false impression of my prowess when I'm not even close to my best. Not for the sake of pride but because something like that can create a false representation. Especially when a "do-over" would be hard to come by. She actually told him: "ain't that some sh*t. niggas be talkin about all they can do and don't do sh*t". He had imagined droppin a bomb on this woman for years... only to have Nyquil rob him of his moment. From the way my boy described her, I never would've imagined she would say that but THAT one will sting for the rest of his life and why? Because "he took the initiative" at the wrong time!! Don't do that...
So in conclusion, I know that there are MANY fine ass people that read me and no doubt you will have many options before you in this Springtime/Flingtime season. My only advice is to stay mindful of your feelings. Don't jump when you shouldn't and don't play in the consolation prizes backyard. You don't want to come out the haze realizing you made a mistake. This seasons loneliness will pass and its desire will temper but bad choices can scar you for life... I'm out
When the very things you love me for keep me from you, it can be one of the most confusing things to accept or even at times... believe. I know what it is to want something so passionately and have no place to take it outside of artistic expression due to a code of honor. I know what it's like to have before me a path where breaking my code would justify calling me a fraud by the very thing I was passionate for. Something I could never bring myself to do. I also know what it's like to treat this code of honor as such an absolute, that it prevents me from seeing through the same prism of nuance I see through for so many other things in my life. To the point of having missed opportunities. Risks I didn't take under the guise of a nobility I encased in box that I subjected myself to. I know the two sides of this coin intimately and have finally come to see it for what it is. Just like everything else, it requires brutal honesty to follow in accordance with truth and that is not for the weak. Yet it is in fact the determining factor one should use when judging whether one is truly honorable... or not. Why? Because when it is true, you will have a philosophy attached to it that is not borrowed from books or imitation. It will be a philosophy branded into the soul by lived-in experience. True men of honor should be able to tell you exactly why they believe what they believe outside of a self-help book or even religion. And "my mama raised me right" don't count.
Today, you have many men claiming a sense of heroic honor. Men that have taken their cues from movies, shows or books that tell stories of the same. All the while, these men are quick to show little to no self-discipline or restraint when taking what they want means they will break the very code of honor they claim to believe in. Women will meet these men and fall in love with the "men of honor" they claim to be. Only to be used, abused, left disillusioned and a bit more lost every damn time. I get sick every time I hear it because you can hear the flatline in their voices and see it in their eyes. What was once a vibrant believing soul loses a bit of spark at what she perceives to be a damaging loss. Left questioning everything and everyone... including themselves. These men break these women and I am tired of seeing it. I've written about this so many times before and I needed to address it again for a reason.
Now... to the "reason" I'm writing this one: You know, I appreciate the phrase "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" but understand this: it takes more than just reading a blog and repeating a few nifty phrases and ideas to be a man of honor you piece of sh*t. You need to earn that title and you've earned nothing. I know you read me but you don't know me. You've sacrificed nothing and have only ever taken. Try walkin out on a fine ass woman kneeling before you that puts her hand on your d*ck and says "I'll do whatever you want". A piece of sh*t like you would secretly call that person stupid but that's one act a true man of honor will never regret because he understands the value of walking out with his honor, his relationship and his peace of mind in tact. I'd ask you to do better but you won't so I'll give you the only advice I can give someone like you. Stop pretending and be the piece of sh*t that you are. Chickenheads dig that sh*t and that should be good enough to meet your needs. Leave the real women to real men and if you EVER want to talk about it, your fake ass will know where to find me. I'm out...
"I now return you back to your regularly scheduled program..."
