How tempting it has been to become the *sshole even the best of us seem to now gravitate to. How easy it would be to take what I wanted...so freely given these days to anyone with a good enough rap. If it was known what comes to me that I've denied myself for the sake of conscience & honor. Things I say to no one but my Lord lest anyone should think me arrogant as some already have in the sharing of my experiences. Folks, what would entice a priest gets a yawn from me when nothing else is there...& I'm seeing it more & more. Even the best of us are succumbing to this emptiness. Looking for validation from rocks & sand or to outpace any semblance of loneliness. I just can't do it...I'm just not made that way. So damn ordinary...so damn easy to sway...to control.
Some folks are even seeing my struggles in dreams & in one it was said "leave him...you don't know what he's dealing with". They saw me homeless in the middle of the ocean...& it's actually how I feel. In other words "water, water everywhere & not a drop to drink". Alas, I am not drowning in sorrow nor am I in some contemplative grief. I have much greater things to fight worrying about but it's to the point that I just don't care anymore & this has become just another "matter of fact". Give me a reason to try & I will. Give me nothing, as much as I want or love you...oh well. As of this writing, it's how I feel & as I usually do...I'm chronicling this so that when I come through this one with the right lesson, I will never forget what it took to get there...& you as usual, can see it all. Now some may see this as a step to abandoning all the good pieces of me I'm known for but no...this is a much needed, ongoing refining process of EVERY part of me. Taking what is good...wanting to meet it's worth to allow for even greater & ALL that takes a clearer perspective. An acknowledgement of certain evolving truths that require evolved resolutions. Grow or slowly die folks....it's up to you. Now...a quick note of truth...
There are many that I speak to or that may read this & claim to understand what I'm talking about but trust me when I tell you that 99.9% of the people I've spoken that claimed they "knew"? Didn't...until they actually "knew". Once you cross that threshold of more than simple goosebumps & tickles in your stomach...butterflies & the ootsy cutsies (which are necessary beginnings btw). When you enter into a true connection's intimacy that organically extends into coupling sessions that have you ecstatically saying "what the f*ck is this?"...some of the experiences you thought the most mind blowing are then downgraded to where they actually belong & it's like entering into a larger world where you are now...small & a bit more awakened to certain realities that will have you questioning your past experiences. Which is why I say..."it's not for everyone". If you think that f*cking and making love is the same thing...I now suggest you keep believing that. I used to suggest otherwise but trust me, I think you're better off believing all fish are the same & that what's "good"...is good enough for you. I honestly don't think this age is of the "spirit" to find out otherwise anymore & I honestly...no longer care as I once did. I'm just as blessed either way...
That is to say that of all the ordinary, I am blessed to have met the extra-ordinary...the "better than me's". Some don't believe they are who I know them to be because of their past mistakes & others may accept their place among the greats but just haven't come to fully embrace it yet. In either case they DO still exist & what I've come to see is that among the hordes of empty...we still tend to find each other. You just have to weed out the fakes past your "boxes", checklists & "feels" & you'll know over time. You'll come to understand that a queen that has tasted true royalty will always face the difference between a good lookin chair...& a throne. May that be for you a comforting parting thought from me my beautiful people. Lord keep them from this age...with...or without me.
"Know Thyself"...I'm out...
~moses apollo
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