Ok so where to begin this one. What I've found absolutely amazing is that since I've been somewhat clearer about my "relationship" views, I've seen a seeming burgeoning curiosity forming around me. I have to admit it's somewhat refreshing to not have women tip toeing around my "status"... "interested" but afraid of what I might say if approached. Folks, explaining where I stand isn't so easy to digest for most, even under the simplest explanation but I think now that it has an adjacent label ("ENM" ugh), it's become more palpable. However, it does reveal a thing; I truly believe there is a curiosity because there is a desire to stave off loneliness... without the bullsh*t. Does my way do that? In a sense... yes. Is it for everyone? Unfortunately... no. In fact, my "clarification" may have opened new doors but I'm afraid it may have closed others that stood open for some that I loved. I guess we'll see in time.
In my earlier screed I wrote that some women wanted to keep our get togethers secret out of fear that they'd be seen "mixing" with someone that openly & freely spoke to so many women. Why? Because "no respectable woman would be caught dead with a man like that. Of course such a man would have to be a cheater and a cad. Someone that just sleeps with everyone!!". So, instead of telling them I wasn't like that and that we had an unconventional arrangement... they'd usually say nothing as they'd be deemed "suckers" by their fake ass friends and family if they did. To everyone in our orbit, we were just good friends and I understood it (and still do). I honestly didn't care (still don't) and like I said... I'd oblige but what it said then and what I'm seeing now is that such a thing among consenting adults has quietly been (and is being) seen as a real world option among the mature and the stable. I think it may have something to do with the quality (and lack thereof) of "mates" out there. This is not for f-boys and chicken-heads so such a thing would organically exclude them altogether. Especially since that kind of emotional immature temperament wouldn't be conducive to such arrangements. This is almost tailor-made for folk that (after much trial and error) have come to the conclusion that the conventional requires an old school sincere perspective that's near impossible to find these days and that waiting for this to come may take longer than is feasible. As well as for those that have come to love their freedom but don't wish to remain alone. It makes a whole lot of sense but questions remain:
Questions like: can the caveats be mitigated with the right attitude? Right attitudes that require the right perspective and the right people?... maybe so. You figure that since all this requires truth and transparency, there can be no cheating. Especially since the nature of cheating requires the deceptive breaking of a monogamous contract. With no need for deception, there is very little room for betrayal but wouldn't it happen anyway due to ego and the need to compete with the "other" mate and/or mates? (IF that winds up being in the mix) We all know that ego exists, even among the mature, so to believe that it wouldn't happen is naïve. Also, given these are not one night stands or your standard fly-by-nights, heavy emotional content would be involved... wouldn't that make it even more difficult? Again, maybe so... especially in my case as I need that aspect to truly surrender into the moment. Without the beauty of which there would be no connection or profound experience and not having that... would defeat my purpose. LOTS to think about yes?... not so simple!! Yet to me... the weight of my freedom's "cause" was worth the effort it took in the reworking of my perspective and mindset. An almost impossible task for some.
So... I will end this one with something that may have informed my process. Growing up, I remember sleeping at a family members' house that was older. Can't for the life of me remember who she was (or even how we were related) but what I DO remember was all of us cousins going to bed one night and some dude showin up as I went to the bathroom... only to slink shoeless into her room. This cat made sure to leave before we woke up (didn't see any trace of him in the morning). You see it was odd because we all knew she lived alone and had no "significant other". After awhile, I found out through another relative that "so-and-so" had a very good "friend" that would pay her visits from time to time. She desperately loved him but did not want the "hassle" of being "tied down" to any man and he, at his age... felt the same way. Given their past relationships, they'd imagined that sharing too much air and space would suffocate their flame. They'd do things together and were intimate but lived separate lives. She kept it quiet because my family were all traditionalist to a fault. I remembered those details because I always thought to myself that such a thing was THE most heartbreakingly mature romance I'd ever heard of. Two people, wanting to remain together so badly... they remained apart. It was pragmatic, unorthodox and tragically beautiful... I "got it". So you see my beautiful people, in what most see as something "strange"... I can clearly see the magic in it. It might be why I despise lists and criteria when it comes to love and passion. They had their views but they made it work because they loved each other... they had no choice. Of all that I am and all that I am designed to be... I have no choice either... but to love as a free man of honor.
In all this "clarification", there is still no "one way" for me but as of now, this is one of the main ways I have chosen to live. I value my freedom for greater reasons than just "not being tied down". I honestly didn't expect to write of this again but here we are... this is me. I'm out...
~moses apollo
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