"Not because of who I am but because of what you've done. Not because of what I've done but because of who you are..."
I won't rehash my history concerning the dualistic nature of Moses and Apollo in me but the lessons learned from my acceptance has allowed me to find the same seeming contradictions in others. At first glance, everyone will show you what they think you want to see. Sometimes they will overly please and other times, when they know you can't stand the over pleasing, they will become combatant at every turn...thinking that's what you prefer. The reality is, I just want people to agree when they agree and disagree when they don't as opposed to putting on a show that is supposed to be meant for my benefit at every turn but I digress. How do you draw out the truth in a world full of games? You open your hand to anything and everything without judgement. Always remember that the code of conduct you keep is yours and is never used to pass judgment on others but instead is used as a silent filter to what you can or cannot accept. Mind you this is no trick or method on weeding people out. All I am saying is simple: Never accept what you see or hear at face value. I am an open book for this very reason. I refuse to be part of the bullsh*t. In others...and in myself. So I will tell you what I looked for in myself that gave me a roadmap for clarity.
Please be advised that I will now speak in the third person when referring to the roles of my pseudo dualistic nature. This blog is littered with explanations concerning this but for the sake of reference, I will say that I believe everyone has different natures within them that manifest at certain situations. Not to be confused with multiple personality disorders, it is just my way to mitigate elements within the same person.
I found out that "Apollo" has his strong positives but his negatives were too grave to keep him in control and most decisions made by him had to rectified by "Moses". It was the dulled conscience of Apollo that led to all nefarious activity and recklessness from which were set the worst examples imaginable. Crime, drugs, alcohol and debauchery are what happened when he had control as opposed to Moses that required regimented discipline. As a husband and a father, Moses needed to create structure for himself and his family. Truth and honor being paramount, he lived that part of himself to the uttermost. So to make a long story short, I took the best of Apollo and the best of Moses, creating a better, more complete me. Now here is where it got tricky. You see, it was not easy giving back the reins to Moses because you see, Apollo was just too much damn "fun" in his adrenaline rush and this is where we "explorers" tend to reveal the truth of ourselves. We pride ourselves in the stalwarts we have become. The responsible, goal orientated and disciplined souls are usually unmoved by temptation...but just how strong is that character's foundation? Can it be easily shaken? Have we truly outgrown the things of our past or did we just "grow up" out of necessity? It is the most jarring self-revelation one could receive. All this time, hiding behind a mask of stability lay in abeyance an animal I never thought existed. I lived out a character that was mine and real but alas...incomplete. I, being the stubborn kind, had to explore that aspect of myself to find out who I truly was but like all expeditions, this too had to come to end. Truth is, it only ended when Apollo had reached the end of himself. Leaving behind a mess from an overstayed tenure. This is when I knew I had finally outgrown the "evil" in the beast. Apollo's passion, fearlessness and creativity remained but his way of life had lost its appeal. Moses finally came out and said "Are you done f*cking up everything I built?". That's when I accepted the truth of all I was and the reality of the potential I had to become the man I was meant to be.
Folks, I see the truth in others because I have seen it in myself and I am blessed to know that all those that are close to me are wonderful, beautiful souls that have pasts just like anyone else...just like me. This is why I rarely ever sever bonds from differences of opinion or failure as these are not the metric I look for in my friends and/or lovers. We all have our exploration runs to make. My metric begins at a subtlety as I wait to see what if any response is shown after failures or mistakes. This will always let you gauge one's level of maturity and self-awareness. Allowing you to make an informed decision as to whether or not you want this person in your life. Drawing customized lines in the sand as opposed to some arbitrary bullsh*t you learned in some codebook. Folks, I might sound like I know it all but trust me I don't and I know it. Understand something and rehearse it in your mind: I will never be better than you but you best believe I will always look to be better than I am in the moment...I'm out
Feels like I left it hanging right? Yeah, that's because I did ;-)
~Moses
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