Humans...

I'm thinking just now that the title I just picked could be used as a derogatory term to describe a soul that has decided to use something deemed pure as leverage for selfish gain.  Like a mother or father that uses their children against the other to gain advantage.  I must confess that tonight, I'm a bit disgusted.  I understand the humanity of it and on it's face, it seems like an act of desperation but to try something like this on me is bullshit.

Have you ever asked someone you shared intimate moments with a favor for someone else only for them to come back with an insinuated reply of "we need to get together first"?  I understand there is shit out there in terms of mates and I also understand who and what I am but seriously?  Like I'm gonna pimp myself out for a favor?  A favor that is simple for this person to accomplish?  It's an insult to all I am and it's a desperate act on it's face.  I don't know if I'm angry, sad, flustered or worried about her.  Maybe it's all of the above...I just don't know and the truth is, to me, with all I have going on, I really don't feel it's important enough to process but it makes me feel cheap to tell you the truth.  If you are an adult and claim strength then carry the role with honesty.  Integrity is something you can't fake because everything at some point will come to light.

Now here's the kicker for me.  First I will start out by telling you a stark truth.  No one will ever disappoint you as much as those that are closest to you because in them, experience has allowed you to invest conclusions about their character with a certainty that goes beyond faith.  This is why I never invest such a thing fully into anyone.  They are human beings just like me.  They have times of weakness to contend with just like me and they will fail...just like me.  I draw the line when I see my grace and trust repeatedly taken for granted because at this point, they now have this idea that they can fail you without consequence...or so I make it seem on the surface.

Forgive but always remember the incident.  Silently hold onto it internally until you see a definitive change.  If you see a change or an attempt at change then your faith in them to change for themselves is rewarded.  If you see no change and it is something that continues to affect you...it's time for consequence.  I now find myself further away from this person as "love" has been used by her before as a manipulation tactic.  We have been able to maintain a good friendship till now but I foresee it will remain strained.  Truth is, I have refrained from any intimacy with her for years because of this very thing.  My beautiful people, I have said it before and I will say it again.  I despise the phrase "If you love me, you will...".  If you love me you will never preface a request with this phrase because true love does not manipulate or try to control.  True love only seeks out the best for it's counterpoint...even if that means letting go.

I can become jaded or depressed by such a thing but because the love I have is mine, it cannot be shaken.  My love is not dependant on what you do but what I decide to do in reaction to what you do...is very much so dependant on you.  Cause and effect stands as universal law even outside the realm of "love" and as I write this, I am aware that I have already forgiven her.  It's my way and I am happy to be so yet there is a "but" that needs addressing for the sake of this piece.  I will love her as that is forever mine to give but I will not be stupid enough to tolerate such behavior.  Always understand that love is not stupid.  Love forgives and understands but it does not demand from you to play the role of doormat.  That decision is yours and yours alone and I have never been stupid in this regard.  I ain't about to start either.

Now, understand that I am not writing this to complain but to be able to illustrate something real.  Many of you have faced this to one degree or another and have become jaded because you told yourself "I did dumb things for love".  I'm here to tell you that love didn't tell you to do shit.  You did that on your own.  Love gave you the probability for hope, the rest was up to you and your judgement.  A judgement you decided to conflate with love because you honestly believed that every decision moving forward was to based off that love.  Some in fact are but many are not.  You know I keep reading "ride or die" and just so that you are aware, this phrase comes from a series of entertaining movies where in one scene a car jumps through three high rises and nobody dies (crickets)  Yeah...that happens.  Well let me tell you something.  If someone you love is about to go down in flames in a car, their love is supposed to tell you to get the fuck out and if that car is in flames because they did something stupid?  You best jump out and say "I love you...but seeya...".  Love didn't tell them to deal drugs and love didn't tell them to involve you in it.  That was them.  Ride or die!?!  Fuck that...  In too many cases, love gets a bad rap.  Don't ever let anyone or anything take you to the place that has you giving up on love.  Best give up on them before you give up on love.  They fucked up...love didn't.  I'm out and I'm spent...

~Moses