"Hello, good morning, how ya do?. What makes your rising sun so new? I could use a fresh beginning too. All of my regrets are nothing new..."
Uh oh, here he goes again!!! He learned something new about himself...again. Call CNN. Now if you just thought that, this isn't the place for you. You can go to TMZ.com for all the latest news on Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez. I began this site to cope with the loss of a relationship out in the open so that others that were going through the same thing would know they are not alone in their pain and confusion. Now I peel back the layers of the onion that is me in every aspect and I tell you the truth of all I see ad nauseum so maybe you can have the balls to do it for yourself. This life is a journey and we are all journeymen along the way. Some want to sleep through the ride and never learn a thing and others like myself never get any sleep, examining the beauty and the ugliness of it all. The only difference is that I put this process out in the open. Some may think it too much but the truth is, this is exactly how the mind works. If you were to watch the movie of your moods, emotions and thoughts for just five minutes, there would never be enough pages to put it all down. With me, you get the condensed version. So my dear children strap yourselves in for this one...oh boy...
As many of you know, I hate "contracts" when it comes to relationships but something struck me as I was trying to figure out what makes a lover more apt to engender monogamous feelings in a man like myself that values his freedom. What kind of woman can cause him to settle and is he actually settling if he does? I wrestled with this thought since meeting someone that actually did this in me and as we humans do, I misread what I was feeling. I actually thought that I was reverting to monogamy mode and the reality was way more nuanced than that to say the least.
I often speak about the pendulum swing we go through. Flowing to each extreme to find our balance in the middle. In marriage, I was a stern monogamist. After my divorce, I became the "no contracts" man that placed freedom above all else. Two extremes met and lived yet neither finding perfect comfort in me. These past two years have provided me an insight to my confusion but I never took the time to look as it had not become a question that needed an answer. I am a free man without question but due to my living arrangements I have opted to live as a bound man for the sake of duty and respect. Sometimes this bothered me but what exactly bothered me the most? It was the notion that because I am free, I am expected to roam freely. An expectation that created this "rule" just as the expectation in marriage that is re-enforced by the vow creates the rule of monogamy. If you really look at it, it is the same thing on two different spectrums. So then what is my metric for true freedom? Choice... That my ability to choose never be impeded by vows or the expectation of promiscuity so that my choice, when made correctly, is one that carries more weight while remaining light.
Being married for 17 years led me to understand a few things and the one thing that recently came to light was this: A vow is heavy, as love is light...
A vow to a man like me can and will supersede all else. Feelings be damned, duty and honor are paramount. I am a man that believes a vow can never be broken unless released to do so and if you are married, you have vows that you must keep without question unless both agree to the release. This requires a mind of duty and honor. If that is your choice, then go all in or not at all. My only problem was always one where I had to come back to reaffirm myself of love because at times I felt I was doing more out of duty than love.
Now here is where all this gets interesting for me in terms of application. Why then would I even consider monogamy? Simple...out of respect for the woman I love. Respect, a virtue born out of character that is strengthened by love. Keep in mind that all virtue is at it's strongest when it is free to choose against itself but doesn't. It is an amazing thing. I can choose another but out of respect for the woman she is and the love she has for me, my love for her tells me she is the only one I need in the moment. A moment that turns into days and days that turn into months and so forth. I now understand couples that have stayed unmarried for years that came to cheat only after they decided to marry. After hearing their interviews, we come to find out they cheated because they felt trapped by the vow and needed some proof of freedom but while they were free to choose to be together simply because they wanted to, they saw nothing in anyone else.
The answer is choice. I can say I hate contracts all I want but that doesn't mean that I am obligated to sleep with every woman that looks my way. That yes, I can be with one woman if I find her right for me. That my road is in fact as wide open as I said. That I truly have no rules but that which my heart and conscience provide for me in the moment. I am no longer bound to either extreme because I value my freedom to choose wherever my heart should go and to be sure, this will never be enough for some. They will want the vows, the contracts and the chains for life. Things that today no longer carry the same value in the zeitgeist as they once did. All I can say is that you can't please everybody and that was never my goal nor shall it ever be. I just know that because of a beautiful experience with a beautiful soul I found an ease with, I was able to accept a truth about myself I had not seen until now. I am freer tonight than I ever was. So give me life and love without expectation...let me breathe it in...
Never stop learning about yourself. It's the only way you grow...I'm out
~Moses Apollo
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