"...I will always love you...I will never leave you alone..."
This is what I wrote:
"You know as a kid I often fantasized that love was roses and poetry, laughter and holding hands, a stroll and a carriage ride through central park. All beautiful and flowery things…I’ve since come to find out the drastic realization that with these flowery things, come the thorny as well. With the elation of union, there is also the pain of loss. With the warmth and comfort of united hands, there is also the dry cracked feeling of the empty, solitary palm…the one that misses its counterpart. Undeniable truths…there is no joy without sadness and there is no reward without a challenge. Such is life, such is love. Not everything will be perfect, not everything will be great but to love…just to love is truly worth every minute of life it can sap from you. The cost can consist of restless nights where all your mind can do is count the minutes till you see her next or it can also mean the stress of nerves from the constant thought of wanting your time together to go perfectly. This means you are alive. When your heart can beat with the same rhythm as hers…when you just can’t help but smile or squirm at the thought of her. It lets you know that there are things in this universe that are meant to happen. All with or without warning…two just drawn together for whatever time they have…two souls that may have met in heaven sometime just waiting for a reunion on this planet of ours. Whether they recognize each other in an instant or over time is of no consequence. The quantity of hours, minutes and days together are unimportant. Marriage and the like...all symbolic expressions based on what they already know about each other. Just the idea that they were able to meet again and share in a stare, a kiss, a night or even a lifetime…something that says “hello again, remember me?” That is what matters most. It’s rare because it should be…it’s beautiful. Yeah…that’s love. That’s “meant to be”…and it’s everything I thought it was as a child and everything I know it is as a man. It’s hot and its cold…it’s new and it’s old. It’s tough and its tender…it's something you always remember. It is THE reason for our existence and THE reason to keep living…to love. Now…time for some more tea..."
Now I come to where I am today and find this man a naive fool after all that I have seen, felt and experienced. Watching unions come and go. Witnessing souls get together to cover holes instead of filling them so they won't face the same pain of loss. An idea that invites the self-fulfilling prophecy of a "goodbye". The fleeting temps, the visitors and all else you could imagine. I've seen much and done enough to come through jaded. So today, I am so happy to say that after reading this...I still have the same foolish heart.
Yes, I am naive but my naivete comes honestly as it is borne from experience and wisdom unfettered by all that I have tasted and seen. All my failures were symptoms from either holding on too tightly or not tightly enough. Something most have problems with given their "cookie cutter" expectations that often go unmet. Folks, true love requires oxygen in the form of "room to breathe" but it also requires an invested soul that loves enough to know when and where it is needed. This is where that line of balance becomes customized and tailor-made. To love her is to know when her needs do not include you but it does not mean that you become calloused to her soul either as some form of defense mechanism. You have to be willing to feel everything that comes with love. The joy and the pain. The gain and the loss. All without bearing down on it with our hang-ups. My problem has always been in finding someone to share in these ideas. They either want too much or not enough to keep someone like me around. I can envision a relationship like this...I just could never materialize it. I tried several souls I thought compatible that gave lip service to this idea only to have them believing that all they had to do was play the role I wanted for a time and have me hooked enough to come to the same old standard. I couldn't play the field as I found it empty and I couldn't do the cookie-cutter relationship as I found it drowning. So where am I today? In the same place I was years ago when I wrote this little piece. I still believe that love will stand on it's own without our help, without our rules and without our guidance. I believed it then and I am more convinced of it now. I will never be afraid to fall deep as a fool but what my experience has afforded me is the ability to never be played. I am one that has learned to love fiercely and still be able to walk away. So when I wrote "It’s rare because it should be..."...who knew I'd be living out that word. So put my silly foolish ass in a museum and let everyone marvel at the man "that isn't afraid to love". Sh*t at least I won't have to pay rent.
So I encourage you all to never allow your experiences to jade your love. Consider it special and understand that although we may fail love...love has never failed us. People do not understand how I can still claim love even after a thing has ended its course or detoured elsewhere. Humans are fickle, humans become toxic, humans can be disloyal and untrusting but the love I know can never participate in such things as it remains constant. It does not mean that I must accept toxicity, disloyalty or disrespect. All it means is that I have given love the rightful place and respect it deserves and that has made me judicious as to whom I choose to share it with. So go ahead and love. Just be sure that when you do, you place it where it will get the respect and honor it deserves. Me? I'm somewhere in the air navigating the winds I've learned to sail. To find someone like me, I guess that someone would have to be doing the same. Much love my people...I'm out
~Moses Apollo Apolinaris
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