"You know, I've seen a lot of people walkin' 'round
with tombstones in their eyes"
You know for a long time I really didn't understand the addict. I thought these people were at best, using excuses for a quick high or at worst, just weak. That was until I was court mandated in 2014 to sit in sessions with them everyday for 8 months straight. Yes, I was mandated. A story I will save for another day. Yet it was there that I was able to see firsthand shades of grey between the black and white we self righteously refuse to see. What I saw was people. Ordinary people talking about things they needed to get off their chest. Some of these things were extreme gut wrenching experiences but most of them spoke about everyday occurrences they saw as "triggers" to use. What got me the most was that these "triggers" were simple emotional responses to situations that if allowed to run their course, would produce real world personal growth. Something that their drug of choice would not allow them to experience. So in the place of feeling pain, disappointment, anger, frustration, distress, urgency and any other emotion we as adults, should be trained to cope with, they would pick up to use to anesthetize their feelings. In doing so, stunting emotional growth to the point that everyday life without their drug of choice was like climbing a mountain. Every single day is a challenge. Everyday life and circumstance is a test within itself. The question at issue always was, "How do I deal with this without my trusted drug" and when you've been using for 4 weeks or 40 plus years, rewiring your make-up is gonna take pain through an unparalleled determination to succeed. Understanding them, I understood myself better and the more I understand the truth of myself...the more I understand the truth of humanity.
There are many at this reading that will say "no, not me" but as I have discovered of my own addictive personality, some shackles become so fused with our own skin that we can't even see them. You see, instead of learning to cope with the burdens of my plight, I took to distraction and since my distractions were not considered "addictive", I thought I was fine. Whether it was the company of others, a night out, a drink or anything that kept me from dealing with my emotional turmoil, I began to notice that these at times became crutches for me. Now you look at that small list of things and say in a somewhat defensive tone "what's wrong with those things?". I'll tell you straight and say "absolutely nothing" but as in everything else that requires personal growth, the tool of brutal honesty must enter the equation. I found my crutches by asking the simple question..."do I want these things?...or do I NEED them?". Are these required self medications for feeling better? Understanding that "feeling better" is nowhere near the same as "being better", I understood that these things became my coping mechanism as opposed to what they should have been...simple recreation. There is no "one size fits all" and every man must examine himself under the sunlight of brutal honesty to see the hidden shackles of life keeping one from real growth so I don't have a "to-do list" for you. That...you must find out for yourself. To my friends of faith, I can give you all the simple answer and say "ask God" but then that scripture comes to mind that reads "faith without works is dead". That scripture is not a call to "do" outwardly for acceptance from God. It is in truth a call to "work" the truth of all things inwardly so that God can work it "out" and that is not for anyone but you to decipher. If personal growth is of import to you, then get that brutal light on and do what needs doin folks.
After some time at this center, a beautiful soul came up to me and said "You know what Moses, I come here everyday for you". I just looked at him and said "I appreciate that beyond words but in all honesty, that may be why you've been comin to a one year program for 4 years...my brother...you need to be comin here for you". Much love my people...
~Moses Apollo
No comments:
Post a Comment