Behind your Broadway show, I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"..."
Alot of people search a lifetime seeking their place in this machine called "life" but every once and awhile...some are able to see their place through others. Watching "The Outsiders" as I listened to the eclectic collection of music on my Ipod produced a different experience altogether. WE...are "The Outsiders"...
My father was a teenager when he left Puerto Rico in search of a better life. He left, in essence, to find a reason for his existence. He found his way to New York. He worked odd jobs while he lived with a mother that had left him with her parents in Gurabo. She thought him "safer" without her. After much deliberation, she may have been right. This man grew up to be a flawed nobleman with the heart of a poet lacking the eloquence of expression. What frustration. What an enigma...until he freely opened his mouth. You saw his words and art through his life...his giving without reservation...his ever present love. Every woman that has ever held his heart still holds his heart and devotion...even to this day. Through him, I received the truth of real love. The truth that love, when real...is eternal. It is something you cannot fight and is more than worthy of attention when called to action within the bounds of what is "right". That it never works outside those bounds and if tried, will be doomed to failure. That it must be free and true to ever be able to flourish into the eternal. In both success and failure, he is my hero. He is my muse in the ways of love and nobility. I will never know a better example of all I call "father" and "man". A part of me will die the day Father God decides it's time for him to come home...but in my tears, I will rejoice.
My mother always saw herself as the black sheep of the family. Being the only one to stand with Papa Eduardo as he stood accused before church counsels of infidelity. A man of great renown in the Dominican Republic, he was driven to exile but she never gave way to despair. Later in life, standing alone...nothing would change. I have seen her greatness of strength. Managing to provide the best for her children on her own without ever having to resort to using the least of what is called "woman". Her heart desirous...her strength feared. I have truly seen what is called "woman"...and it is strong. It is everything we lack as "men" and are afraid to express. It is perfect. Flawed...but perfect nonetheless. The unending reservoir of strength within womankind is the story of her life. I love and admire her beyond words. She longs for home but holds on for the sake of seeing her children become more than they are. A daily prayer to say the least. She is very special to me and holds a place reserved for no other...she is my template...
My brother is a man of many faces. The one he loves to wear is of the man that doesn't have a care in the world. The selfish man...but I see past that. His life of shortcuts and turmoil have him pressing for relevance in the eyes of his little girl. She is the only thing that really moves him to tears past the hardness of the life he's endured. To see her smile because of something he's done means the world to him and all he does is for her. Yet...he deems it necessary to put aside his true motivation lest it slow his progress. No one really sees it. I do...and I love him for it. I so envy his fearlessness...
My sister is my angel. She really doesn't know how far my admiration extends for her. A woman that God has taken through the worst of herself only to come through wanting "better" for herself. To "believe" even after all she's been through inspires a faith in me unparalleled. She doesn't know and she should. I love her and one of my greatest frustrations lays on the fact that the human tongue has no words to express it. How proud I am of the woman she's become makes her past make all the sense in the world to me. It's like watching a flower blossom...and she's about three quarters of the way there. Although 4 years my senior, I will always accept my role as her "older brother". She knows what that means...
My step-mother. Another amazing woman, gave me an old school code that originated in the streets of Ecuador. Standing on an old school principal and decorum that was only manageable from the inside out. She stood by my father no matter what and loved my father enough to love me just the same. She took on the full role of "mother" at a young age and she didn't need to. All the while teaching me that the small gestures matter more than the elaborate. Teaching me that even though you have very little, the heart is more than enough to satiate through "family" the hungry soul. All via the simple pleasures of life and love. Her life is my own and I honor her among those that have made this man all he is today.
My years as a man began early for me. I married at eighteen. Not for necessity, but for love. This beauty's name was Millie. I remember praying for her when I was about fifteen. My father drove the church bus. As I saw her get out with her grandmother and sister, I said "Lord, what about her?" God answered years later. Her patience and love assisted in turning me into a man of understanding. A man of honor and passion for beautiful things. I became a better man because that is what she deserved and the love we have for each other inspired the beautiful in us both. The elements involved? Near flawless. She will always be "la babe"...and she knows it lol We may have amicably divorced, but our love And mutual respect remained...the ultimate evidence that it was real. Our two sons stand as a testament to who and what we were and are as parents...as people. The pride I have in Millie, Josh and Caleb has no limit and they will always be under the guard of my wing and shade of my love. They are all beautiful to me...and they always will be. People, you can never deny what truly made you. There is no "greener grass". It's all just different. Each blade carrying its own complex beauty...and an understanding heart will accept the truth of this. Divorce or not, a piece of paper will never determine the vastness and complexity of love. We may not be "together" but she is as much a part of me as my skin. Thanks Dad...
I have played the song above throughout this piece and I can admit coming close to tears at times. Especially about mom and dad. I haven't felt to cry like this in quite some time and it's a hard thing for me to do freely anymore. I know all they really mean to me. Most wait till after death to see their parent's contribution but being who I am allows me to see the fullness of their roles in my life. To know one day I will lose them is heartbreaking to me but without death, there really is no sense to "life". I understand "me" now more than ever. I get all I'm about through the best of all those that surround me because I mirror them...even if they think they mirror me. My friends during and since have all served as confirmation of all I have I have learned and know to be true. It has and is my blessed grace to know in love and passion those I call "pretty", "amazing", "homie", "tender" and "phenomenal". My "Texas rose", my "maddie", my "flower" and my "habibi". My friends, my church family and "crew". They will never truly know the role they have played and still play in the heart of the man seeking evidence of all he knows to be true. All special. All relevant. All forever etched into the heart of this man...and all worth way more than this vagabonds heart.
Now you know. It's clear isn't it? If you can't see all I'm trying to show you then you must be blind. You are not an island. Life, circumstance and surrounding souls influence your growth. How you see them makes all the difference in the world and if you can't see the good in them as well as the bad then your growth will feel the pain of it. Dress yourself with an understanding heart. See it all...and learn...
Tonight...I am like a man that has eaten to satisfaction but can stand to eat a little more...
See "beneath my beautiful"...
~Moses Apollo
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