"Tell me what you want to hear. Something that will light those ears. Sick of all the insincere. I'm gonna give all my secrets away…"
Secret Origins...for you...
As a young man, I was brimming with an assured confidence that slowly turned into a cockiness based off complete superficiality. I was a teenage fool as most honest folk can say of themselves. When the time came to fall in love, assured confidence was shot to hell by a betrayal. Looking back, I guess it was a needed reveal. What you might ask was the reveal? That no one is impervious to infidelity as it springs from a weakness inherent in humanity. Subsequently I became a suspicious jealous idiot hell bent on controlling my surroundings and the surroundings of the one I loved. Misery became my constant state as I spent all my time in that endeavour making my love just as miserable. Stealing the time that should have been spent loving right. Just so I would never be fooled again. Until the mirror showed me something...
Looking into the mirror of my soul, I saw a child. A child out of control trying to control a world he really had no business controlling. Especially since he had no control of himself. The misery I was living with was a self inflicted festering wound lacking understanding and grace. I cried out to God to end this in me as the most damage was being done was to myself. A realization that turned everything around. One night, sitting on my bike outside her window I made the decision. I would change my mind to start thinking outward. In time, I began to live the understanding that if my love were to fail me, it should not be because of anything that I did but it would only happen because of her lack of character and loyalty towards me. Instead of pushing her away, I showered her with love, understanding and trust. So much so that if she were to be unfaithful, she would be the fool for doing so and I would have no regrets because I knew I did my part. I let go of my need to control everything and concentrated on my self control and growth. Thus beginning the process that brings you the man you see today. I became a better man and gained the knowledge of a fools love. The fool that does all he can for the one he loves and that means giving her the freedom to venture out into the arena of life where she can fail me...trusting that she would come home to me. Not because I demanded it but because I was now worthy of it. I loved her the way I expected to be loved and she did not disappoint.
This became my way of living up to the time of this writing and I sit now as a self-assured confident man unconcerned with who stays and who leaves because as a self-assured man I can say with confidence...it's their loss. Jealousy is something someone hell bent on control feels when threatened by someone they feel might better them enough to change their perfect world. When you know that your world is based on what is in you, you don't threaten or feel threatened in the slightest. Games no longer work on you and you brush shit off easily. If someone you love fails you, you get angry, forgive them and you retain an unfailing love for them but you move forward uncommitted because they have now set the new rules for what is allowed. You basically move on with them loosely held which will oftentimes transition into moving on without them. All without breaking a sweat. Your understanding will allow you to factor in humanity as something that can wreak havoc on your perfect world. Knowing then that all you truly have the power to control...is yourself. Consequently you will begin to understand that you cannot claim to love someone and lock them in a room just for you as true love is selfless enough to afford them the freedom they require to become what they need to. Even if that means they must leave. Consider this exercise: Place them in a room with humans that fit their "type" with the license to do as they please for the night. If they come out unspoiled? Rejoice...because you now know they only have a heart for you. Understand they were tempted. Understand they were attracted to all that was in that room and that thoughts of "should I, shouldn't I" were happenstance but because they are truly yours, the thought of you superseded all temptation and attraction. If they took advantage of the opportunity then you know you were not special enough to stave off the risk of your loss. A revelation you would never come to from someone you have placed blinders on and/or kept enslaved in a room of your making. True grace allows the freedom to fail but with the understanding that failure always comes with consequence. Wise words huh? Yeah...
How did I come to this? The brutal fucking honesty of the mirror folks. You have to be willing to downgrade yourself to your bare truth before you can attempt the necessary upgrades. It's scary only because some are afraid to stay in that downgraded state but if you stay focused on the task at hand, you will come through all the better. Take yourself apart and find out how you work only to put yourself back together...only better ;-) We all go through these things so it's ok to accept it. The real problem is to accept it without making the effort to change. Truth is brutal by nature. It will offend and it will hurt at times...but in the end, you will always be better for it...I'm out
~Moses Apollo Apolinaris
No comments:
Post a Comment