Folks, among some of the roads behind me, you will find weak crossings where bridges once stood strong... broken just enough to be uneasy to cross... but never by own hand. Broken bridges that were once beautiful. That at the time of their construction, were meant to last as long as life itself. Now I understand full well that broken and/or burned bridges are common among human roads but not so with me. In fact, I can name them all because they are so rare. Now one might ask: "Isn't it normal to break down at least SOME bridges?" Sure... but after coming to know why they were broken on my roads to begin with, I make it my business to need real serious reasons to do so. You see, I understand that there is more to value in the souls that surround me than simply what I could attain for personal gain, but not everyone sees things like that anymore. Especially in a world where relationships of every kind have become extra entries on accounting tables. Where "transaction" is the "end all be all." I can tell you that most have been broken down by folks that felt I truly had nothing more to offer them, when the truth was more akin to me not relenting to what they expected of me within their time frame. Friendship, honor, integrity, counsel, support, etc... I suppose all these were simply window dressing to them. I'll never really know. It felt like they wanted the store, and when I didn't surrender it as "expected" by conventional love... they turned into something else. Almost as though they purposefully became something I wouldn't want to associate with just to push me away. Yet instead of believing the façade they were trying to portray... I'd just move on knowing they just didn't have the temerity to tell me how they really felt.
In my moving on, I'd look back from time to time and see the bridges that once stood beautiful, turned into a "not to even consider" perilous crossing... for absolutely nothing at all. In my worldview, you do that to enemies or people who treat you badly. You don't do that to people that would stick by you come rain or shine but some folk do sh*tty things sometimes because they were either secretly really sh*tty people (something I choose not to believe of those I've encountered) to begin with or because they were in such a severe state of survival mode after trauma, that they inadvertently wound up "pre-emptively" hurting folk close to them in a move their overly cautious minds saw as defensive. Having experienced the latter up close and personal, I can tell you that if these can't find something legitimate to hate you for... oh, they'll make some sh*t up to justify taking a sledgehammer to that bridge. Unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of that one too many times. I decided some time ago to let some bridges burn, and in every instance, my method begins at heart. The second I start seeing and feeling disrespect and indifference, I ain't gettin upset. I just say "Okey dokey" and get my heart ready to internally relegate them to where they belong until they are no longer in the special spot I had them in. It f*cking hurts every single time, but you get over it, and you press on. Spilled milk and all that you dig? The love remains, but you just come to accept that the hints they were throwing out at you were more "directives" than hints, and you don't look back. Maybe I believe too long or love too hard, but I ain't ever changing a thing about that. I will always remain as I am. After awhile, you learn to stave off bitterness and anger because the only person that hurts is you, and you eventually take on growth instead. Where others look to replace what was lost because they suffer dependency issues, you replace what was lost with a new level of growth that will serve you on the roads you must travel alone. You become "more" to be able not just to stand alone... but to dance alone if need be as well. That's a whole nother study...
Why am I the way I am? Because I understand that people are fickle... me too. I was talking to someone I love about this a few days ago. I hate being alone, but I despise being tied down just as much, and this puts me at a disadvantage. My passion for life and living and all things beautiful is intense, and because I understand such things come in bursts... it's all I find myself wanting. Throughout our time on this earth, its the one thing that holds to memory beyond all else. I don't want the BS everyone else wants to "put up with" in order to have these moments grace them in between the mundane because given the climate these days, the "mundane" has an inevitability that includes failures and potential betrayal that doesn't just have the potential to "hurt"... but to leave scars that have the added downside of not being able to heal properly as well. After my divorce, I tried to have another relationship, and it failed badly, and even though it did, oh, we had some moments that were beautiful. The passion and the fire was there when it counted. I just didn't foresee the mindset needed for the time. Even though I'd been divorced for about a year already, I was still in married mode and due to this, had the mindset of a married man applied to my new relationship. After that breakup, I had a run at debaucheries. All the while doing my best to maintain transparency and integrity throughout... learning as I went. What I found was way different than what I had been used to as a married man, and slowly but surely, maturity waned in the zeitgeist, and I became a relic of the past. Today... love, peace, understanding, passion... are all just buzzwords folk use to sound esoteric and/or thoughtful, but to me... they have serious meaning. It is because of this... I don't mind being the relic I am, but it is also because of this... many will not understand me enough to trust that I am what I say I am.
This is why I have chosen the path I have, and it is not an easy one to take but I believe it satisfies the best of both my worlds. What I know is this: I will face being alone head on... but I remain believing that I will never allow myself to be lonely. Thankfully, I will always have the choice before me and as such... it will always be up to me. All I ask of those that I am connected to is the certainty of their choice. That the gatekeepers I fall for put a welcome banner at their gate and personally escort me in because without that... failure from uncertainty can easily become a self-fullfilling prophecy and I ain't about trying to convince anyone of anything anymore. You either "get" me... or you don't. Who knows... my heart may even set itself on a part three someday...
Thanks for the eyes and the proverbial "ears". I got some stuff to take care of... I'm out...
~moses apollo
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