dreams, news...and manifest glory drippin like wax onto my heart replacing scars left behind by all i've been experiencing with newer, stronger flesh. leaving me...changed. noticing the priority in what sees me for all i am. for what truly sees me...has access to me but more than just "me"...my heart. a heart that is rightfully more protected now, taking way more than a nice set of keys to get to. such a thing for me is a monumental feat that i would not have voluntarily chosen for myself but one life had to carve into me. one epoch is now almost over...making way for the other to begin. the uncertainty of what that will look like is unreal but i trust in the One that has never left my side. the One that has brought me and mine this far. that when others went tested to fail...My Lord was with me every step of the way. i will confess to having never felt so alone...but i was never lonely and i know for certain that i never will be. i "saw" many things happening but i never saw this and i guess it's a good thing that someone like me can still be surprised.
i faced the shadow of death, the letdown of disappointment, the pains and confusion of treachery, a crippling grief from darkness in doubt and still none has left a mark on me that cannot be mended or healed. the evolution we go through is in the mending, in the forgiveness, in the resolve and in the idea that when "you're going through hell...you keep going" until you come out stronger on the other side. all things that solidified a perspective that shields me while maintaining an ever increasing passion for all things "beautiful". i am not less...but now more. the only caveat i see: i now expect all the more i am becoming from others and in truth, maybe i shouldn't as everyone is different. yes, i'll wrestle with this as i never settle for "iffy" when it comes to my character etc. the mindset changes, compartmentalizing more to be able to accept less and in that compartmentalization...passion and love can be severed into pieces if left unchecked. where it once flourished on the whole...it now exists in degrees towards "pieces" when certain things happen and when that is the case...i feel "less" intensity. feels involuntary to tell you the truth. it could be that this is what makes room for the fullness in the whole that meets me where i am but i'm just not sure if this is healthy or not yet. maybe this is a temporary coping mechanism or it's a way to protect what i see as my worth. in either case...it's what it is at the time of this writing. i feel like a surgeon looking through my own MRI. most good...some bad but alright nonetheless and i thank God for it. now i will pose the most important question of this piece: if i could go through all i've been through and come through better...why can't you? i, for one...believe you can...
i'm out...
~moses apollo
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