"...and so it goes, and so it goes...and so will you soon I suppose..."
Have you ever found yourself wanted? I mean where you know it to the core. You feel them in your bones. You take glances at them when they are unaware and catch them losing their cool as they try to sit still but can't. That giddy little girl wants to dance but they subdue the hell out of her. They fear you will look at them as any other silly girl that giggles at the sight of you but what they don't know is (at least with me)...it's impossible to view them any differently than you do now. You know they feel as they do but are afraid of being vulnerable around you so they decide to go the other way. Instead of showing the interest they actually feel, they shy away from any such actions that may seem to place them under your thumb. Making them seem cold in the process. Making you question their desire for you. Making you question why you are even there. Oh, they will throw kernels your way from time to time but always treading carefully that it isn't anything too big. Strange way to love? Or all just too damn human?
Now you in your way do all you can to show how you feel. You say all you feel to say without fear and even though you get nothing of equal value back, you're unconditional love keeps you there as though their simple presence was enough to equal in value. That is until your mind begins to try to reconcile it all so that you can holistically be assured that your love's course is the prudent one. This is where it all gets tricky. You see you already know they desire you but for several reasons are too afraid to let go and show the extent of it. You being as you are decide to apply understanding and wait, keep doing as you do and watch where the process goes. Sadly...it usually stays right where it is and you may have inadvertently lent a hand in keeping things as they are. How? You never changed. You never budged. Giving them the illusion that all is fine the way things are and that your love as manifested will remain that way in perpetuity when logistically speaking...it just can't. No matter how unconditional your love is, it still needs fuel to fire it and without any fuel from them, you will eventually peter out. Not because you love them any less but because your efforts will eventually run out of gas. Now, if you are blessed, their self-awareness will kick in to look at where they may be able to improve things, cut things off or decide to let go of the fear and trust you will see their actual desire for you as something to be cared for as opposed to something to be taken advantage of. Yet in this day of gamesmanship, I can tell you that this justifiable fear is not an easy thing to break because if you listen enough, you will hear how many times they loved fully only for that love to be taken for granted or even sometimes...abused.
So where are you left? You are left with "friends" that you wanted to love fully but couldn't because the process of inner reconciliation would not allow it and they are left wondering if there is still a chance that never materializes. You watch them go off with those they know they will not have to invest in fully because what they get from them is standard and something they can handle just fine. You advise them in their relationships and nurse them when it fails. You hear them tell you "I wish he was more like you..." and you chuckle because you remember that at one time...it WAS you. You love them still. They love you still but nothing ever comes of it because of fear. Fear that they will not see you the same anymore. Fear that you may be too much to handle. Fear that they may not be able to live up to the greatness you see in them. Fear that you will lose the image of them that you have when all the while, you have learned them from their perfection all the way through to their imperfection and have not moved your love away an inch. Even the fear that they may not be able to live up to the sexual prowess they professed in speech as though you expect what is said to manifest itself right away when you know that sexual communication is a learning process worth taking your time with...savoring every damn class.
In truth this universal "you" I am speaking of...is me. This has happened to me four times in my life. Each one different, beautiful and unique. Yet each having the same history of disappointment with differing levels of gravity. Folks, good men are so rare these days that when one is actually presented, he is scrutinized to the point of rendering the conclusion "he just can't be real". A phrase affixed to him like a mark of incredulity. Of the four I have experienced, three have waited years for me to change and still I have not. Waiting for the supposed "true colors" to materialize. Where all of a sudden, the hidden evils of me are presented. They're still waiting and I don't blame them but I also know their boat came and went several times. Will it ever again? I honestly don't think so as I am at the point where I want for nothing anymore and anything we may ever engage in again will be a momentary exercise. Meaningful, valued and extraordinary yes...but momentary. You might be asking yourself "What sets them apart from all the others?" Well, I saw in them the potential for my complete surrender. Something I have only done twice in my life. Who knows? Maybe that's what they feared..and so it goes. I guess I have accepted this is the way things are. Now, am I crying myself to sleep at night because of it? The real question is why I should I? If this is the price to pay for being a good man in this fucked up world then I'll bear the pain and pay it proudly. I won't lessen my love or curb it in the slightest. I will live and love with as much ferocity as my heart can stand. I will not change. As I said in my last post, this last one was the hardest and I'm still trying to figure out why it weighs so heavy on me as I still feel her pace...I still feel the beat of her heart. I know in time, it will come to me and all will be as it should. It's OK...what will be will be...trust it...
~Moses
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