I could say "not much" and be this bullsh*t machista that refuses anything deep so as not to contemplate on his own mortality...ie, the things that matter. Fact is when you really look towards the depths of things, one can't help but to water up over some things that either bring you great joy or heavy sadness. Things that matter because they either extend outwards or aid in the progress of turning you into a human being that is compelled to do so when the need arises.
As I type this, my mother lay in a hospital bed. She had to go in for emergency surgery. She is not my mother from birth nor marriage but in spirit and is someone I highly value in this world. I haven't seen her in years for fear of the disappointment I'd imagine she'd feel yet it turns out that when I went to go see her last week...I wasn't the only adopted that felt that way. God uses her in ways that would boggle your mind. In older days, she'd be seen as a "seer" but we just know her as a mother...that can prophesy. She can take one look at you and see the state of your heart. Something I can confess to have inherited but not to her level. When I went to go see this great woman, she was laying in that hospital bed attached to a dialysis machine and sedated. Swollen from the drugs and fluids they were pumping into her. After some time, I realized something...if she goes on to be with the Father now, I will lose my chance to tell her how much I loved her...how much I missed our talks, our communion. I will miss my chance to say sorry for being so far into myself. I just kissed her on her forehead and held back tears. You see love and family will make you do that. If you are a real man or a real woman...you will see what matters most. What matters most is not so much that she get better...it's that she knew we loved her. I know she will be fine but for that moment, I saw a world without her...and it was empty.
As the days go by, what is fading? I passed by a building tonight as I went walking that bore a striking resemblance to a building I used to play around in as a kid. I stood in solemnity just staring. I thought how could I forget what that felt like? Have my years taken me so far from such a beautiful memory? My best friend Geronimo and the filthy alleyways we used to run around in on Dyckman street way back when. What matters most to me is truly the essence of grace that permeates the soul from those memories alone. Not to relive them as that would be foolish, but to savor the moment of each. Time and self can rob you of them if you let it happen. Some of us have memories we wish we could forget and yet others have memories they block so they could in turn, bypass the confusion or pain of them. As for me, I'd like to remember it all but find myself too busy these days to worry about it. I was saddened by the sight of that building because as I stared at it, I fought to look for buried feelings it should have produced easily. I guess my time span in the dark has done something to my emotional eyes.
Although my days have been dark as of late, I am thankful to see cracks here and there that let some light in. During those brief sessions, I'm able to remember who I was and who I am. I am able to remember and see what I'm really about in this world. To come to terms on what is worth fighting for and on the other side, what has to be gotten rid of. I guess I'm coming into the 2.0 of Moe. I will "retain the good, putting aside the bad" to be able to live with both...wisdom says so. My memories may run the gamut but they don't run me. Learn from them...all of them. Use them to teach you this is right and this is wrong...you will be fine...as will I.
So what makes a real man cry? He cries when he sees something really important happen. He cries at real loss...he cries at real bewilderment. He even cries sometimes from real intense resolution. Why "real"? because he sees the joy or sadness within the core issue and understands it's impact towards the longer haul. I can say that I am a real man and although I don't walk around blubbering at every little thing, I will be honest and give you the reasons for the many tears I've held back. Let me just say that this year has been a doozy for that...
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