...to stringed instruments at night while sipping my blended tea mix that soothes the mind and relaxes the body. Yet I can't help but worry about my tomorrow. My aim is steady and my heart is set but my strength can wane...I refuse to allow that to happen. It's 1:53 AM and I think of so many things at this hour...so many things run across my mind. Things my heart longs for and things I know I can no longer have. I long for a future where certainty is a given and ease is commonplace. The easy breath of life where I know everyone I love is fine...including me. I cannot forget the past as I wear it's scars like war wounds but it no longer has the grip on me it once had. I am accepting and resigned to certain truths.
I know now that I have no second half. I have no endgame. I am one that is right now. My moment is me at my best. Stick around and you will see me at my worst. Something only a few can handle before they realize I'm really just a man. A man with flaws like anyone else. I never pretended to be otherwise. What sets me apart is that I'm honest. Something that forces me to be better than I was yesterday. I can't lie to God so I can't lie to myself. Some people can carry a false existence for a long time but I can't stomach a second of it. If I see something in me that needs fixing, I cannot rest easy until it's done. I know what I need to change but you will never know it because it usually will only affect my outlook. Something that never affects you in the immediate but could in the long run. I will not "live with" this or that nor will I find a crutch...whatever my "issue"...it needs to die. That's all I am people...honest.
Speaking honestly, the truth about me is that I used to believe certain things I no longer believe today...for myself at least. I used to believe in forever when it came to temporal things yet I have found that forever when left up to man...is finite. All man knows about forever is that it has a beginning and as such...it must have an end. I will live my life the best I can with whatever time my Lord graces me with before He decides to take me home. I will enjoy my children, my friends, my planet and what little true love I can find along the way. I will leave forever to my soul and my Lord but as for me...I will live right...right now...
Good night
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