For those that don't know me, I was married for 17 years and have two beautiful teenage boys. My ex and I divorced over two years ago and I'm proud to say we are great friends today. I consider her an amazing woman and after much reflection have come to understand that even if we had no children...we would still be great friends. She is mature enough to know and set boundaries for herself to the point that trust is not an issue. Why state all this? I felt the need to preface what I'm about to write with that introduction because that level of ease and comfort we had most of our marriage wasn't always there.
Our beginning years were touch and go at best but because we loved each other, we saw it through. We saw it through I might add, to the surprise of many. Two young kids thinking they knew it all but really didn't know shit. We trudged along as we dated but I always held to the belief that dating or "going steady" was testing ground for marriage. I don't believe in that "3 months, lets get married" bullshit. One needs time to really get to know the person they deem to spend the rest of their lives with and I don't care how strongly you feel towards them, folks, it takes way longer than 3 months to find out what makes a person tick. Love may be blind but it sure as hell doesn't have to be stupid. Trust between us was a huge issue and one that would prove us to the point of real growth. While we dated certain things happened that brought serious doubt into the relationship. Arguments, fights...that shit was normal but it all stemmed from one issue...trust. Otherwise, everything was great. I told myself and God that I would only marry if all wrinkles were ironed out so we both set out on that road to fix our main problem. After two years and most issues resolved, we married on a whim. This is where my topic of surrender begins...
Here we are married and all is ok except that in my mind, like in the mind of most...I wondered how long we would last. I wondered when she was gonna leave me for someone else. I was still a kid with only a GED. I knew shit and could do very little at that time. Insecurities wrestled me to the point where I had planned exit strategies and all manner of "what if" scenarios. Yeah, this was my mindset so what we had "ironed out" while we dated managed to creep back in again...trust issues. We would argue and I would walk out, seriously debating if I should return. I thought this had to be one big joke. Two kids, married, living on their own. How the f*ck was that supposed to work? We were suffering and bleeding because I didn't see the need to do anything for us. We got the ring, we got our place, a child on the way...now what? I erroneously thought that these "markers" were enough to sustain a home and keep it together. Most people do...to their own detriment. Due to this mindset, add to that insecurity and a woman that men want...I had a timeline. The clock was ticking. We both had our fair share of suitors that didn't give a shit about a "ring" and at that point, it was a temptation to me. Thankfully, a temptation I never did succumb to but just the fact that it was a temptation to begin with troubled me. It shouldn't have been since I was married. Some may think "well that's normal". Sure it's normal to find someone else attractive. Sure it's normal to have flashes of "what if" but when you begin to plan and plot creating moments. When you begin to "set up" scenarios to keep this person around for the "just in case"...something is wrong. This is what would happen in my mind and some people actually carry out their "set ups" and plans thinking that so long as they don't "do anything" all will be fine. I was a man that had a timeline so those thoughts were normal to me but very wrong.
I had to figure that shit out. I had to know what made me think what I was thinking. Why were these come-ons so tempting to me when what I had at home was so much better? It took me a couple of years to figure it out but when I came to understand what I came to understand...my marriage actually began and so did my growth as a man. I came to understand that my mindset of impending doom had me in something I deemed temporary that as such needed time lines and exit strategies. Things that consumed a mind that would have been better served meditating on ways of improving the marriage as opposed to watching this "clock of death". It hit me hard one day. I had set us up for failure. Insecurities were overblown and temptations were empty. I stood in the center of my living room and began to state out loud my condition to God. Who I was and who I was about to become. I decided to own my "person" as husband and father...forever. At that moment I declared that this was going to be the only woman I will ever be with for the rest of my life and because of that she had to get a better "me". I had to do my best to fulfill all she needed in a man. Respect, honor, attention, affection, protection, provision and most importantly...an unparalleled sexual passion. I was determined that if this was gonna be my last woman then I would train myself to be her "everyman". No one would ever be able to supplant me because what ever they came with...I knew I did better. I trained myself to be a better man, a better father, a better lover and held to the mentality that so long as I did my part, it didn't matter what she did. If there was failure, it wouldn't come from me. Taking on that mindset, she did the same and what a marriage we had. Temptations were no longer tempting...just feel good "whatevers" that lasted a few seconds. My attitude was healthy enough to accept attraction but deflect any and all manner of thought towards planning, set-ups or flirting. That was all bullshit and I came to know it. I understood that not all "feelings" were justified to pursue because many of them were false based on environmental conditioning. I learned to dismiss them quickly. Things had changed. She was it for me...I needed no one else and I trained myself to know, I wanted no one else. That day I surrendered to my fate and accepted the idea that "this is my life". That day was the beginning of my training into manhood. Thankfully our divorce 17 years later was not due to failure. It was a sober minded decision brought on by introspection and discussion. Our marriage was a success.
People today do not understand that to make relationships (not hook-ups) work one must surrender to the idea that this person is "it". This is the one I'm gonna train to spend the rest of my life with. This will be the only one I need to impress and make happy. This is the only one who's approval and feelings matter. It's us and then everyone else. That means shutting the doors one leaves open for just in case scenarios and not just shutting them but throwing away the key. That's the way relationship decisions are made. They are made with the idea of permanence. If you hold the temporary mentality then don't even bother calling it a relationship because you don't give your all to something you feel will die next week. People can live like that for years and don't even realize it. I just couldn't.
If you love the one you're with and you have declared real relationship status with them...you want it to work? Then surrender. Make them priority and show them you are serious. All pressures fade when all you have to do is please one that loves you just the way you are. Life gets all the more sweeter when you know that although your woman/man can be in a room with 20 men/women that are their "type" she/he is thinking how great it would be if you two were there alone. Surrender folks...surrender. Happiness in relationships is not something you are given...it's something you create. Good night :-)
Our beginning years were touch and go at best but because we loved each other, we saw it through. We saw it through I might add, to the surprise of many. Two young kids thinking they knew it all but really didn't know shit. We trudged along as we dated but I always held to the belief that dating or "going steady" was testing ground for marriage. I don't believe in that "3 months, lets get married" bullshit. One needs time to really get to know the person they deem to spend the rest of their lives with and I don't care how strongly you feel towards them, folks, it takes way longer than 3 months to find out what makes a person tick. Love may be blind but it sure as hell doesn't have to be stupid. Trust between us was a huge issue and one that would prove us to the point of real growth. While we dated certain things happened that brought serious doubt into the relationship. Arguments, fights...that shit was normal but it all stemmed from one issue...trust. Otherwise, everything was great. I told myself and God that I would only marry if all wrinkles were ironed out so we both set out on that road to fix our main problem. After two years and most issues resolved, we married on a whim. This is where my topic of surrender begins...
Here we are married and all is ok except that in my mind, like in the mind of most...I wondered how long we would last. I wondered when she was gonna leave me for someone else. I was still a kid with only a GED. I knew shit and could do very little at that time. Insecurities wrestled me to the point where I had planned exit strategies and all manner of "what if" scenarios. Yeah, this was my mindset so what we had "ironed out" while we dated managed to creep back in again...trust issues. We would argue and I would walk out, seriously debating if I should return. I thought this had to be one big joke. Two kids, married, living on their own. How the f*ck was that supposed to work? We were suffering and bleeding because I didn't see the need to do anything for us. We got the ring, we got our place, a child on the way...now what? I erroneously thought that these "markers" were enough to sustain a home and keep it together. Most people do...to their own detriment. Due to this mindset, add to that insecurity and a woman that men want...I had a timeline. The clock was ticking. We both had our fair share of suitors that didn't give a shit about a "ring" and at that point, it was a temptation to me. Thankfully, a temptation I never did succumb to but just the fact that it was a temptation to begin with troubled me. It shouldn't have been since I was married. Some may think "well that's normal". Sure it's normal to find someone else attractive. Sure it's normal to have flashes of "what if" but when you begin to plan and plot creating moments. When you begin to "set up" scenarios to keep this person around for the "just in case"...something is wrong. This is what would happen in my mind and some people actually carry out their "set ups" and plans thinking that so long as they don't "do anything" all will be fine. I was a man that had a timeline so those thoughts were normal to me but very wrong.
I had to figure that shit out. I had to know what made me think what I was thinking. Why were these come-ons so tempting to me when what I had at home was so much better? It took me a couple of years to figure it out but when I came to understand what I came to understand...my marriage actually began and so did my growth as a man. I came to understand that my mindset of impending doom had me in something I deemed temporary that as such needed time lines and exit strategies. Things that consumed a mind that would have been better served meditating on ways of improving the marriage as opposed to watching this "clock of death". It hit me hard one day. I had set us up for failure. Insecurities were overblown and temptations were empty. I stood in the center of my living room and began to state out loud my condition to God. Who I was and who I was about to become. I decided to own my "person" as husband and father...forever. At that moment I declared that this was going to be the only woman I will ever be with for the rest of my life and because of that she had to get a better "me". I had to do my best to fulfill all she needed in a man. Respect, honor, attention, affection, protection, provision and most importantly...an unparalleled sexual passion. I was determined that if this was gonna be my last woman then I would train myself to be her "everyman". No one would ever be able to supplant me because what ever they came with...I knew I did better. I trained myself to be a better man, a better father, a better lover and held to the mentality that so long as I did my part, it didn't matter what she did. If there was failure, it wouldn't come from me. Taking on that mindset, she did the same and what a marriage we had. Temptations were no longer tempting...just feel good "whatevers" that lasted a few seconds. My attitude was healthy enough to accept attraction but deflect any and all manner of thought towards planning, set-ups or flirting. That was all bullshit and I came to know it. I understood that not all "feelings" were justified to pursue because many of them were false based on environmental conditioning. I learned to dismiss them quickly. Things had changed. She was it for me...I needed no one else and I trained myself to know, I wanted no one else. That day I surrendered to my fate and accepted the idea that "this is my life". That day was the beginning of my training into manhood. Thankfully our divorce 17 years later was not due to failure. It was a sober minded decision brought on by introspection and discussion. Our marriage was a success.
People today do not understand that to make relationships (not hook-ups) work one must surrender to the idea that this person is "it". This is the one I'm gonna train to spend the rest of my life with. This will be the only one I need to impress and make happy. This is the only one who's approval and feelings matter. It's us and then everyone else. That means shutting the doors one leaves open for just in case scenarios and not just shutting them but throwing away the key. That's the way relationship decisions are made. They are made with the idea of permanence. If you hold the temporary mentality then don't even bother calling it a relationship because you don't give your all to something you feel will die next week. People can live like that for years and don't even realize it. I just couldn't.
If you love the one you're with and you have declared real relationship status with them...you want it to work? Then surrender. Make them priority and show them you are serious. All pressures fade when all you have to do is please one that loves you just the way you are. Life gets all the more sweeter when you know that although your woman/man can be in a room with 20 men/women that are their "type" she/he is thinking how great it would be if you two were there alone. Surrender folks...surrender. Happiness in relationships is not something you are given...it's something you create. Good night :-)
You're amazing brother. I love you and the mother of your children. You're incredible life partners, in whatever form it takes. Thank you for your expression. I bow down to that surrender to openness.
ReplyDeletep.s. The "word verification" that the computer automatically generated for me to post this blog response was "UNITY" ... isn't that wild!!
ReplyDeleteWow Gia, thank you so much for your encouragment!!! You're awesome girl :-)
ReplyDelete