The past two years have been one big blur. One "day-in-day-out" trudge. Where everyday was a day unto itself... without a yesterday to remember or a tomorrow to hope for. With no way to make plans... because doing so might cause you to lose your spot in the foxhole. Less than a handful know the trial I've been facing as I am not one to complain for some weightless victim status that brings glory only to the empty. No, we do what we have to do... silently. Now... to step out of the foxhole and fan out into the battlefield with clearer objectives. A mop up operation of sorts that will require mental cunning, emotional maturity and spiritual hierarchy. I was made for such things...
And yet... the officiating of such things comes with a price. They all come mixed in with people and things that nine times out of ten, might not want to stick around for the battle. People and things your focus might have to deviate from given the amount of focus those battles require. In all my life, I think there was only one that understood and was willing, at least verbally... to take the parts of me she could have and live with not having the rest given how sparse my pieces tend to get. She said that "pieces" of me had more value than the "whole" of some others and I was grateful for the sentiment but even that didn't last. For even if it were true, most folk don't do well with pieces of a thing... they always want the whole. A wholeness the more complex will usually fake giving up just to stay in a relationship. I can agree with that semantically and that is only because how I define having the wholeness of one is different than most others would have it. It is a mindset that comes from seasoned hearts that long to hold fast to rainbows and butterflies while clearly accepting how fleeting they are. These take the special moments as they come and they become the basis of all that is rich within their heart and the heart of those they share them with. 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days or 5 weeks... all stretched out as eternal given how special those moments become. The seasoned understand how important this is and seek this out as they live out purpose or plan. Yet given the "rules" today... ain't many out there that will openly say this is a route they don't mind taking. For my part, it is one of the very reasons why I remain a man of discretion. The more I look, the more I see this becoming acceptable... even among the younger women. But just because this is so, does NOT mean that they are all ready for such an experience as it is NOT for those unwilling to feel the pain of longing or the confusion that comes from living beyond convention.
I have fearlessly poured my soul into a woman's heart, have made love like a king whose kingdom was made up of stars and have indulged in moments of ecstasy with some whose years of companionship were supposed to transform love making into something mechanical. My time and experience has created something in me that will never die and I am thankful for this most days. Yet to be this way and have battles to fight and wars to win is not an easy thing. It means learning to manage the hard and the soft and remain sincere in the process. It means fighting off frustration in the foxhole while simultaneously finding joy in the purpose or plan. This takes an internal acrobatic skill requiring an awareness unique to all your inner workings. Something that does not happen overnight. Something that carries real weight and translates into many other areas of life. Something... that has a man like me blessed, at times to hear:
"you can keep your life, your money and all you have as possession... I just want you however I can have you... for however long... I can have you..."
~moses apollo apolinaris
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