Conflicted... and Happily So...

"...watch me... disappear..."

I'm always in "search mode" and here are some thoughts (for myself mainly) along the way:

First... quickly for the new folk: I always find it hard to share this stuff because I am usually judged by the narrow minded as being "full of myself" or the other rarely often used term: "narcissistic" lol So where am I supposed to share this? Do I keep this introspection to myself or do I share it with my male confidants alone whose only response is "I wish I had your problems". Nah... I'll do as I please and anyone can judge me as they like. I am conflicted and I am happy to be so. If I wasn't so conflicted, then I'd know I had entered the "I don't give a f*ck asshole mode". So this "open book" will share what he means to. Moving on...

It is now crystalized for me (not sayin why) that my reality as a man is very different than most. Seems I can easily fall into an even worse bout of debauchery than before. Except this time, not as one testing limits but surpassing them with experience. Yet... I choose not to. The choices and options before me are interesting and eclectic... strange and beautiful. Yet with all that, I'd be just like every other mindless drone led on by their libido if I excessively indulged. Not me then... not me now. 

Watching how all this unfolds from the inside out has lead me to a truism. If I ever loved or was interested in anyone, it was always because of their "type"... they were the best. Aesthetically sure but even in personality and of mind, but most of all... of heart. There was always a "hook" beyond anything palpable. Something that set them apart. Irrespective of political views, ideology or religion. Hearts and lives that had a story to tell. Something that always made them beautiful to me. From all I had to choose... I always went with greatness. Greatness, that wasn't always apparent to them. Due to this... I have no regrets and it is still so. And here, in this piece I'm still asking... what do I really want?

I recently heard a woman say that "a woman should be a man's peace" and that simple line resonated with my soul in a shocking way. I'd normally use the word "cool" to articulate that kind of peace but I don't think that went far enough. What that means for me exactly is not entirely clear but above all... it should begin with a love that chooses to believe in the man I am at my core no matter what. Mistakes, failures and all. Not too much to ask for but it is apparent to me that we live in an age that questions everything and there is a justification for it except when what is clearly marked "true and real" is lumped in with what is not. I'm just so over having to contend with all that. My internal monolog is getting used to settling things with the question: "you trust me or not? if not... I'm not the man for you"... simple. Is it though? I'm not so sure and that's ok too. 

I know in time I'll figure it out. A bit ago I tried dipping my toe into the more conventional way of doing things (meet-ups etc). I figured the climate was ripe to see if I could finally have some questions answered via baby steps but got a tacitly slammed door on the whole endeavor. I suppose that was an answer in itself but it also allowed me to learn even more about what I want and what I will never again accept. I am grateful for that as it allows me to keep growing. We all need a foundation of truth about ourselves that can withstand what is meant to evolve above it all. I know what I know and what I don't know... always comes to me in time. Ups and downs, trials, errors, joys and accomplishments... all part of a life that is meant to either add to our foundations or aid us in our evolution but everything requires truths to build upon. Always remember my beautiful people: "Believe in nothing... fall for anything". I'm out...

~moses apollo