Please...allow me rest...
Tonight, I have to say that I feel like absolute shit. I have seen someone I love and held to high esteem creep into an "I don't give a fuck" attitude when it comes to situations that require the defense and maintenance of their honor. A sign of misguided direction that can turn into something damaging if left unaware. How do you tell someone you're emotionally invested in that they're heading in the wrong direction without waving your hands like a fucking maniac? How do you maintain a steady voice when what has happened muddies the clear water of the esteem you had? An esteem cultivated and worked for...built up throughout the years. It's a hard thing to see a slippery slope and not try to do everything you can to keep them from even getting near it. And it's nearly impossible to remain calm when they try to justify all that is wrong. Your voice raises akin to yelling "fire!" when you see one. Problem is people seldom ever receive it like that. They think you're "judging" and lose sight of the fact that the pain is there because you see a greatness in them. You see so much more than even they do. You want to shake them and say "Please wake up!!!"...but you just can't do that. Their defenses go up and insults are spit because no one is allowed to finish a sentence. What good was found in that? None.
In the end, humans are human and "heroes" continue to die off by the day. Lives I've known for years are getting swept up into the tide of the times. The tide of the crowd in the clouds. That place you slip into where you look and sound just like everyone else...covered in smoke. Somewhere along the way, they decided it no longer mattered how they were seen because they thought it sufficient to adopt the saying "everyone does it". Why? Because if "everyone is doing it", then what is happening is of no consequence and needs no accounting. That is way easier than standing on an adopted moral code but it is also very flawed. Someone is always watching the few champions of our age that are left. Someone is always looking to emulate those they find "of quality". There is always someone besides God watching you and that is something no one can change. It is a heavy burden but it is also a great privilege. So understand this clearly people; man will fail you. I will fail you. Yet knowing this to be true never really softens the blow when it happens. My own private battle between the man I was and the man I am still rages. A battle I have to win and every time one of my heroes falls, a piece of me dies; challenging my own defenses as my heart sinks into the meat grinder of my belly. Knocking the very wind out of me. Every time leaving me feeling a little less strong. I wish I didn't feel this way but it is something I cannot help. Something I fucking hate and a part of myself I really despise.
So what to do now? Move forward and realize that there is nothing left to do. In all this there is a bottom line. I have no authority to say anything because everyone is entitled to their own humanity. Everyone can come and do as they please without account. No one ever asks to be looked up to so how can they take responsibility for the life that does? I mean, who the fuck am I right? According to them, I'm "nothing" and have no right to even give a shit..so fuck it all then...
I will remain standing...
"The noble King found himself washed away in a heavy tide and somewhere along the way he managed to grab hold of a branch. Tonight that life saving branch unexpectedly snapped into two separate pieces..."
~Apollo
PS: I'm as yet entitled to a mindless rant once...or twice lol
Tonight, I have to say that I feel like absolute shit. I have seen someone I love and held to high esteem creep into an "I don't give a fuck" attitude when it comes to situations that require the defense and maintenance of their honor. A sign of misguided direction that can turn into something damaging if left unaware. How do you tell someone you're emotionally invested in that they're heading in the wrong direction without waving your hands like a fucking maniac? How do you maintain a steady voice when what has happened muddies the clear water of the esteem you had? An esteem cultivated and worked for...built up throughout the years. It's a hard thing to see a slippery slope and not try to do everything you can to keep them from even getting near it. And it's nearly impossible to remain calm when they try to justify all that is wrong. Your voice raises akin to yelling "fire!" when you see one. Problem is people seldom ever receive it like that. They think you're "judging" and lose sight of the fact that the pain is there because you see a greatness in them. You see so much more than even they do. You want to shake them and say "Please wake up!!!"...but you just can't do that. Their defenses go up and insults are spit because no one is allowed to finish a sentence. What good was found in that? None.
In the end, humans are human and "heroes" continue to die off by the day. Lives I've known for years are getting swept up into the tide of the times. The tide of the crowd in the clouds. That place you slip into where you look and sound just like everyone else...covered in smoke. Somewhere along the way, they decided it no longer mattered how they were seen because they thought it sufficient to adopt the saying "everyone does it". Why? Because if "everyone is doing it", then what is happening is of no consequence and needs no accounting. That is way easier than standing on an adopted moral code but it is also very flawed. Someone is always watching the few champions of our age that are left. Someone is always looking to emulate those they find "of quality". There is always someone besides God watching you and that is something no one can change. It is a heavy burden but it is also a great privilege. So understand this clearly people; man will fail you. I will fail you. Yet knowing this to be true never really softens the blow when it happens. My own private battle between the man I was and the man I am still rages. A battle I have to win and every time one of my heroes falls, a piece of me dies; challenging my own defenses as my heart sinks into the meat grinder of my belly. Knocking the very wind out of me. Every time leaving me feeling a little less strong. I wish I didn't feel this way but it is something I cannot help. Something I fucking hate and a part of myself I really despise.
So what to do now? Move forward and realize that there is nothing left to do. In all this there is a bottom line. I have no authority to say anything because everyone is entitled to their own humanity. Everyone can come and do as they please without account. No one ever asks to be looked up to so how can they take responsibility for the life that does? I mean, who the fuck am I right? According to them, I'm "nothing" and have no right to even give a shit..so fuck it all then...
I will remain standing...
"The noble King found himself washed away in a heavy tide and somewhere along the way he managed to grab hold of a branch. Tonight that life saving branch unexpectedly snapped into two separate pieces..."
~Apollo
PS: I'm as yet entitled to a mindless rant once...or twice lol
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