Honesty...

"Is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue..." 

Wow, such powerful lyric by Billy Joel.  Such truth is rarely ever heard anymore.  The word stands among the many that have taken a back seat to "fun" and "me" and "I" and the infamous phrase..."f*ck it".  Everything that extends outward is sadly scarecly found in the lexicon of men.  There are those that openly show their good deeds but in private are the epitome of selfish.  I could give a sh*t as to what I saw you do...do something of valor sight unseen...then, and only then, do you impress me.  Let me catch you unawares in a self-less act.  Let me see you say no to the woman that propositions you with "your wife will never know".  Let me watch as you say no when someone tells you that hurting someone else secretly would be a blast.  Go ahead and impress me...go ahead.  Yeah...fat f*ckin chance...

Lest I be considered a hypocrite, you should know I am aware I am not perfect but even in my imperfection you will find a standard and a code I live by.  I live my life knowing I am always being watched.  Knowing that God will judge me.  I know what awaits me...I know where I need to make good.  I can judge because I've already judged myself publicly.  My friends know all I do because they deserve to.  As for honesty, I will tell you the truth about my plight.  Not for sympathy, but so you know that even the strongest have their fair share of moments at trial.  What sets us apart is that we choose to face our demons head on as opposed to drowning them with fantastic made up explanations that appease the mind but do nothing for the soul.  The unadulterated truth about me is way more than just surface bullsh*t.  My pain is not over the loss of a woman as it may seem.  My pain is not influenced or heightened by sad love songs.  This pain I struggle with is an honest pain.  My pain has everything to do with the fact that this big man full of wisdom and experience could fall so easily for such bullsh*t.  That he would make excuses for every infraction, for every lie...for everything done to him.  ALL for the sake of a noble word...LOVE.  My pain has me questioning my judgement...questioning my manhood and pride.  My struggle spirals me to the less than ordinary plain and makes me a seemingly insecure man...something I know I am not.  What a ride I had.  All I wanted to do was love her...all I wanted to do was start the second half of my life with someone I had great passion for and in the end was left with an empty enigmatic question..."Why won't she let me love her?"  A question I will never have an answer for.  I face each day with these facts before me.  I don't drown myself in work or entertainment.  I don't use temporary placemats.  What is for me...is.  Why?  Why place myself in such duress?  Answering these questions reveal the dirty little secret among the strong.  THIS is what makes us strong.  We are strong because we face our weakness.  We are strong because we don't run from what is.  We are strong because we choose to suffer until we have mastered that which we do not understand about ourselves...bringing that weakness under by identifying it's root cause and learning how to kill it so that it never rears it's ugly head again.  This woman that did so much to me as yet has my love and there is the brutal honesty.  A fact that I hate and is something that for the first time in my life brings forth feelings of great regret.  I regret very few things in life but as I have been dealing with this I could find very little merit to my wasted years.  It would take a miracle for there to ever be an "us" again...it's something I'm not holding my breath for.  Given all this that I know to be true...to learn how to live and navigate through these facts takes a will and a wisdom the ordinary just can't handle.  When I'm done and through this, I will be more than I was.  I will be able to love without unfairly tainting the present with the past...all while maintaining my true self...a better self.  Pray with me that it happens folks.

Folks, at my 37 years of age I had a conversation with a great man.  He told me that he is in a relationship with a woman he dislikes.  He says he stays because the many years he's been at her side had engendered a love for her.  I know this man very well and I know that he knows what it is to cry and agonize over the loss of one he loves...that it is something that at his age, he would never want to experience again.  So this great man has decided to suffer the humiliation of being treated like sh*t just so he won't go through the pain of loss and loneliness.  His woman has no idea what she has and how to care for such a prize.  Friends, please don't ever settle for unhappiness at the hands of another.  If your level of passion is not being reciprocated by the one you're with do yourself a favor and show them how much you're worth...by saying goodbye.  I know what he went through when he lost a certain woman to divorce but he was never as open about his passion as I am.  I understood more and certain pieces gave my scattered puzzle better form.  After that conversation, I now understand that I am facing something within that is inherited...something I choose to beat.  Like everything else in my life that has held me back from progression...I will kill this too.  I would rather face unhappiness because I have decided to be alone than face unhappiness at the hands of another that is only there because they need someone around.  My friends, be wise in all that you do and above all things...be honest.   With great love...I'm out...