Prisms Of Acceptance...

"..."

of thought processes and mindsets...

As I've grown more seasoned, I've come to the conclusion that when I look at my life through a prism of acceptance, life becomes something worthy of struggle and all the head and heartaches that come with it. Now if you think this means accepting sh*tty circumstances... oh you'd be so so wrong. Acceptance only means that you've accepted whatever disappointment you've faced with a divine level of grace. That you've accepted the hit you took or the loss you had to endure as something that happened in a moment of time... within a greater moment of time called life. That these instances should never be viewed as an end to you but should be viewed instead as something you have the opportunity to learn from... to become more from. Yes, we ruminate through introspection to find out where we went wrong but it is not to wallow in grief. No, it is to see what we might be able to adjust so that we can avoid it the next time around. We grow and we evolve... all the while holding on to a hope that even if today didn't work out... there's always tomorrow. There's always a new sunrise, a new moon and a new face that might look like one you know... but has only grown lovelier over time and experience.

Yet for the sake of this piece, I am speaking of a deeper level of acceptance. One... that is internal. You see, there are things I've come to accept about myself that may engender the common assumption that my glass is half empty and yet, in my eyes, my glass is always half full... with a half left worth filling. Yes, I can be annoyingly optimistic but living out life in reality and the truth of it can get you used to finding predictable patterns you can actually lean on more often than not. Where set-backs are just bumps in a road you can't be deterred from. How do you come to this conclusion? Well, because the last five you ran over said so! You didn't stop at the first bump, but instead found four more ahead. Letting you know that there's a very good probability that there's plenty more where that came from and that your car can handle it just fine. This mindset has allowed me to live life adopting a thought process early on that I know I will eventually come to accept. I've heard way too many say "If only I had known then what I know now...!!" as a testament to a mindset acquired too late in life. As such, I accept inevitabilities with the knowledge that anything can alter them but I live them out nonetheless. It is akin to preparing for an illness you show no sign of but has proven its probability by way of your parents. 

Too many have decided to chase after things they will eventually find superfluous in the future or have decided to keep themselves safe from risks they will eventually take when they're older out of a desire to live out a seemingly unlived life. Doing so in undisciplined ways, driven by a kind of desperation to remain young, relevant and alive. Ways that can often cause more damage than the experience is worth. I've been able to some extent, foresee my patterns and near inevitable journey through my own prism of acceptance and have decided to claim my path early enough to have no regrets later in life. Like a man that surrenders to wisdom itself without needing to take the hits that brand it into skin. It's like flowing free in a stream whose apex is a waterfall that will always have the probability of leading me to new, exciting shores. Ever knowing and staying open to the possibility that anything can change. The question is... will it? Only God knows. In either case... I'm more than ready for it now than I've ever been before. I'm out...

~moses apollo 

It's A Hell Of A Thing...

"...because I said so..."

Well, folks, it's been a minute since I spoke about my training progress and it's been interesting to say the least. I have not been able to remain consistent due to some medical issues, and by that, I'm speaking about keeping to the rule of consistent intensity. I've been able to maintain for the most part, but you tend to have to rely on grueling discipline when you dont see the needle move towards progress. The last medical issue I had demanded weight loss for proper recovery and I went from my comfortable 220 lbs to a now lean 194 lbs. I thought for sure I'd lose muscle but something else took place instead...

It's as though I took a time machine to my natural beginnings. Except that now, with the maturity of seasoned muscle. Shape, lines,  stamina and strength have progressively lined up nicely and I am extremely pleased by these unexpected results. Even surpassing my best in some areas. My weight loss had me changing up my routine into something more strategic and its been a steady climb since. These changes... are keepers :-)

What I find interesting about all this is that I did not make these changes on my own. It was a series of choices I had to make based on medical considerations and need that turned out better than I could've come up with without them and it has served to prove one thing yet again. There are times when our trials will force us into making moves we otherwise would never consider. Only to find that these were the moves we should've made to begin with. Folks, we live and learn. No matter how seasoned we are... never be afraid to accept that sometimes progress will require you to take a few steps back to find that catapult we missed that had the ability to take us places we've never been before.

Oh and yeah... I can, with all humility, say that I've been pic worthy for awhile but have decided not to start that up again. Folk just gonna have to trust me or somehow find out for themselves lol. Time will always find a way of catching up with you... if you're standing still. Move, breathe, live... love... I'm out!!

~moses apollo

Upon Waking...

"you saw the silence, you stayed close

didn't flinch from what I chose

and in your eyes, I saw it clear

love's not loud, it just appears..."

Had some much needed rest after a long day. Upon waking, there was a song playing in my head over & over again ("Like Magic" from Kalax) & I instinctively understood why. From the seasoned, beautiful hearts that found or are looking for their rebranding/rebirth, to the newer, as yet truly unexplored souls that peak my interest on intrigue... I find myself, as of yet, still blessed but "still" nonetheless. Time is flowing in one direction, never to return, but I have found that getting "magic" right takes no backseat to haste, lust, loneliness or the need for a sense of closure or completion. I know what it takes to give a moment its due. I know what it can cost & as such, I fiercely respect its value & its need for self-determination.

This "magic" I often speak of is more than what some might assume. To me, its more than just a passing thing. It stays with you through lifetimes. Through thoughts & emotional ruminations that can both excite & frustrate at the same time. Not wanting to force a thing, yet all the while, growing impatient... knowing what it can be or even become. More often than not, you will find yourself mitigating a pendulum swing that ticks between caring too much & letting it pass. Now, too many confuse this with the initial "tickles" one gets with something new. Those stars you see at that "love at first sight" moment or the state of comfort one settles into during the first few months. No... its way more than that. It's that thing that stays with you long after you've moved past all that common stuff or even long after you've "moved on" in your mind from something life led you to let go of (not to be confused with something toxic). Its that thing that drives you into wanting to take small sips of what your heart has determined to be your favorite drink. Always careful not to rush or flow less than organic... lest your favorite drink leave you hungover. A hangover that can cause it to cease being as special as it is... something you take great care in preventing. For my part, I tend to silently nurture these drinks in my heart as part of an inspiring everyday existence until the moment presents itself that can lead us both into an experience worthy of their value. And if they should not... I still find myself the better for it as they serve as yet another "proof of life" for my soul.

My loves, I see all that can be seen with eyes wide open. I will not dismiss it or deny it & as such, will allow it to linger as something special... and mine. Knowing that no matter what happens or doesn't... it will either silently walk into its inevitable say or set its place as an unrealized dream. In either case, for me... its "like magic". I'm out...

~moses apollo

60k...

"in more ways than one... life and death are in the power of the tounge..."

I began this blog with the intention of becoming an outlet towards the articulation of my journey after my divorce. To share my experiences with others in the hope they would see themselves in the same. Not in surface ways... but at a depth that beyond relatability, would inspire change and growth. I endeavored to keep it as brutally honest as I could and to see folk take to it the way they have, without any promotion of it whatsoever, is quite humbling to say the least. Who's reading me and for what reason is not my concern. I figured if I could help just one... it would be enough. To see this blogs numbers hit past 60k is not so much a recognition of myself but I see it moreso as an acknowledgement of a need. The need a remnant have to see that they are not alone. That although they feel like aliens in an ever increasing unfeeling world... there is a space somewhere that mirrors what they know to be true inside. Proving there is life beyond the deadening world that surrounds them.

If you read me, I pray my words have been able to resonate with a truth you've either held to heart in secret... or didn't even know you held at all. And that maybe my artistically inclined "letters" have aided to ignite a fire in you that let you know that under all that scar tissue... you're still alive. In either case, that to me, is a blessing and a privilege. I will continue to be who and what I am folks. Rise or fall... we are the misfits and WE... are the real ones. Thanks for reading... I'm out.. 

~moses apollo

PS: And now, we return you back to our regularly scheduled programming ;-)

The Eyes Of My Soul...

approaching her in timeless spaces ever softened by lovely faces... he held her hand and gently said;

"dance with me... for just a brief moment in time, let's forget how aimless things appear to be. let's forget the care and the weight of it all. no rules, no promises... just the now. that for as long as this song may play... it's just you and i... in the center of an us that exists outside of this place. dance with me... and show me with every melody and grace that we can be beautiful, that we will be art... that passion is alive and well... and fine"

three times they played the song... creating a memory they could always turn to for solace. reality may have its say but let us always endeavor to make the second, the hour and the day... our own.

my soul still sees love. it still grasps at beauty. in the midst of all i've gone through... this still belongs to me alone. i will never cede this side of me to loss, heartache or disappointment. i offer this to you freely. to get you to understand that the same can be true for you. choose your dance partner wisely... choose your song with love & always understand one thing; that what we lose should never be allowed to reconfigure who we are... that instead, we should allow what we choose to hold on to, to be a reflection of all those beautiful things our pain had the ability to steal. much love my beautiful people... i'm out...

~moses apollo

It Don't Matter...

As a man in mission mode, my writings as of late have been more instructional or introspective but my juices are beginning to flow again towards the surreal and beautiful as I find my goals being reached by the grace of God. Besides... I am one that is blessed to acknowledge that from my vantage point... I am never at a lack for what I deem beautiful. The sun, the moon and the stars, her skin, her air and her smile, her need, her want and her desire... and all else in between. For now... here's something that's been brewing in my brain over several weeks, made useful in my trials:

There's a phrase I have come to use as part of my arsenal towards self-improvement. One that I have used for years as wisdom and consequential thinking converged to create the ability to divine the most probable outcomes available given the circumstances. The phrase? "It don't matter..." I'll tell you how it works...

Consider yourself in the middle of a disappointing outcome. One that can depress or emotionally paralyze you into grief. "It don't matter." Why? Because although what you hoped for did not materialize today, you look at all the variables and inevitably come to the conclusion that what you hoped for is on its way anyway. You see the precedents and the players involved and realize that one of the truest alignments include the attaining of said thing. Also, consider you not liking what you're seeing in an individual that has disrespected you in some way, shape, manner or form. "It don't matter." Why? Because you look at the path they're on and can deduce where they will wind up. You did your level best to reach them and they slammed the door in your face. Instead of saying "f*ck them" you leave that door slightly ajar for the day they will see that you were correct in your assessment. Not to gloat or to say "I told you so"... but to finally be able to help as intended. 

What does this do? It inevitably becomes a practice in patience. One that creates an emotional maturity that shuns the idea behind the tantrum or the constant selfish complaint. It is not a practice in becoming unfeeling or callous but instead, it takes all you feel and helps you master your reaction. It reveals the logic in holding on to your peace... even in the midst of disappointment. Understand this clearly, I know when folk are trying to play me, when they're lying by omission or when they're trying to manipulate me for the sake of a small internalized petty agenda they think I won't see. I catch the passive aggression. I catch the hidden insult and I know when indifference is being used in a strategic manner. I see it all and yes, I feel all the hits but you know what? "It don't matter." Why? Because with every one of these occurrences, I instinctively take another step back without ever really showing it and sometimes, it's what they wanted to begin with so it works itself out. Yet knowing my value (and you sure as hell should know yours), I understand what that will mean over time for them and by the time they figure it out... it becomes even more difficult to get me to care as I once did. After that, dealing with them becomes an exercise of duty and honor... without the same richness of heart behind it. I won't scream, I won't even return an insult at times. I'll just say to myself... "It don't matter." Many will confuse this as me being overly passive or just not caring enough. I'm just not interested in getting upset over something I know will either pass or end up badly for them anyway. Some want me to get wild over things as though acting the fool is a metric of how important something is to you. I will tell you this: Anyone "acting the fool" ain't acting... and that ain't me. When something requires my brand of aggression... I'll tend to it as needed but the truth is, I've come to learn that most things don't require that kind of attention. Come at me right... we'll be right. Come at me wrong? "It don't matter"... I'm out.

~moses apollo

Salt To My Seasoning...

"but I can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun

you got your hair combed back & your sunglasses on, baby

I can tell you, my love for you will still be strong

after the boys of summer have gone..."

Life is funny sometimes. A bunch of things can hit all at once & you can be so overwhelmed, that you'll miss the message. This time around, I thank God I haven't.

It has been a part of my code to keep my distance from women I've had the privileged of connecting with once they began entertaining another, as they and I have always been free to do. It avoids being accused of being the impetus for break-ups, jealousies or arguments on the part of their significant other. I kept to boundaries imposed by my own sense of honor but I have come to the conclusion that the price for such a thing may have been too high. There were times when my presence could have gone a long way but my code wouldn't allow it. Even just being there for them... it's what I'm made of. I can no longer deny being who I am just because someone will take it the wrong way. In short, I've come to the conclusion that this is not a "me problem" & for far too long, I have held that it was.

To a tee, almost all of these "men" I stayed away for turned out to be duds. "Summer boys" that came & went with agendas. Due to this, I feel foolish showing honor to the dishonorable. Letting down those I loved for something that couldn't even survive on its own. Well... I'm done doin that. A friend recently needed me & I decided that I could not turn her away. If her "man" had a problem with it... it was no longer my issue. My issue was her. He ain't got nothin to do with me, nor do I have anything to do with him... something he should consider himself blessed for.

From now on, I will allow them to set the boundaries they want (as always... without judgment) but it won't be comin from me anymore. I held to discretion in every situation & this will be no different if that's what they should choose. I will be all that I will be & more. Now folks, you can take this as an amendment to my code but you can also take this as a lesson. What lesson? That it doesn't matter how seasoned you are. A man or woman set in their ways will never grow beyond the limits of their mindset. Even one as open & free as mine can be amended for the better. Besides, I can always add a bit more salt to my seasoning. I am who & what I am... I'm out

~moses apollo

 

How The Sauce Is Made...

"there's twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong. with all my excuses

still twenty-four strong, but see I'm not copping out (x3). when You're raising the dead in me.

i am the second man now..."

I often get folks wondering how I can be "as understanding" as I am... I just chuckle and think of the phrase a beautiful soul left with me years ago: "I come by it honestly"...

Folks will look at your character, your body and your temperament (etc) as a finished product they are inspired by but seldom ever ask the most relevant question: "the sauce is great... but how exactly is that sauce made?" They think I will always come up with the most profound conclusion as soon as I take in the information. Some things are easy to figure over time but some things, the things that hit closer to "home"... take time to chew on before you can digest and articulate the right conclusion. Heavy emotions can blind your objectivity when it is needed the most. In other words, when heavy emotions are wrapped up into something taking place, I will entertain the most surface take imaginable when I should be showing those closest to me the most grace. Given that, my emotions will be inspired by that take and nine times out of ten... I WILL be in error. Error I try not to speak on or act on. Now, the difference between the mature and the immature is this: the mature will revisit that take and dig deeper into empathy (not to excuse an offense but to understand if there was malice behind it or if it was something you might consider doing under the same circumstances) to figure out what's really going on OR they will revisit how they saw that information to begin with. In the end, your perspective will change and as a result, your outlook and stance towards a person or an event will change as well. THAT is how the sauce is made and it is precisely why I have posted my initial thoughts on a thing AS WELL AS its progression towards the development of grace in my soul.

In your lives, you will see folk do things you will ascribe malice to or you will not take the time to try to understand the whys or the details of what actually happened. You will allow yourself to settle into an aggrieved, angry or disappointed mindset because that is the easiest route to take. To take any other route will require you to show some measure of grace and that is something this era is no longer capable of. To defy the era is to show yourself to be a truly understanding soul.

Sometimes the seasoned heart will entertain the wrong thought as a process to reach the right one. I am no better than anyone else in that department. You just don't know how much self-reflection or prayer it took to get me to a place of deep understanding. This is why I give folks I am close to the benefit of the doubt at the first whiff of something seeming "off". It's not that I'm a pushover in any sense of the word. That's just me not wanting to distance myself from someone I care about simply because they were just being human. After awhile without clarity (and that could mean years) I just back off without judgment, anger or disappointment. Why? because I don't know enough to come to any conclusions. The immature will stick to the surface explanation as justification for how they are feeling and acting... I just can't do that. Not because I'm better than you, but because after being on the receiving end of that, I endeavored to overcome that within myself. I encourage you all to do the same. Better sauce... better flavor... I'm out...

~moses apollo

Quick note: given the events that have been taking place around the world as of late, I need to make clear THAT is NOT what I'm talking about. In attempting to show empathy to these killers, we can clearly understand what turned them into animals, why they did what they did & why they will face justice for it... as well as those that inspired the mindset behind their animalistic actions. True empathy does not excuse... it clarifies. No, in this post I'm talking about you and me... the everyday soul that walks the streets or surfs the internet. I may or may not post about what happened to Irena and Charlie someday... or I may not. If I wrote anything now, it would be driven by an anger and a frustration that some might take to mean the wrong thing. I aim to be responsible. So if you thought I was talking about them, go back and re-read what I just wrote as though I were talking about how you feel towards someone you had a misunderstanding with or someone you are holding a grudge against over something, that in retrospect... can actually be seen as not a good enough reason to cut them out of your life altogether.

Live It Well...

"...life is short, I wanna live it well. one life, one story to tell..."

In all my comings and goings, you that have read my blog for quite some time will know that I squeeze out lessons from experience like one would squeeze out the water from a sponge. My sister's passing has been no different and one of the lessons I have been ruminating on since that day came to me from something I experienced in her hospital room:

On that last day, I had a flash in my head... a kind of "vision" if you like. I saw myself in a room and as I stood in its center, everything around me began to rearrange itself. A chair and some furniture disappeared and everything seemed to reconfigure on its own. Almost the way stagehands rearrange the sets in a play between acts. Except that here, the stagehands were invisible. As I stood there watching this happen, I heard a voice say "this transition is part of your existence... you will see many of these in your lifetime. you will need to adapt." I understood what it meant and it offered me a kind of peace. Almost a settling into the idea that everyone I knew would move on and that everything I took as permanently accessible would fade into eternity at one point or another. That this... was still "life" and even though the pain I feel has grown silent, I still can't seem to talk about it as freely as I'd like without losing my breath to emotion. I can hear about it fine. I can navigate through it ok... but I just can't seem to talk about it yet. I have buried myself in tying up the loose ends she left behind like a man on a singular mission. With my own telling me "how do you do it?." I only respond by telling them I compartmentalize but that's only half the story. I've always been a man of duty. God did that in me early on and when I set my mind to accomplish a thing, I go until my part in the effort is done. This "flash" I had let me know that this will not be the last time I have to endure this so I am endeavoring to find out how to get everything right the first time around.

As for sister's passing, I can truly say, I seek no "reasons" beyond that which is before me. It was just her time. My brother told me that he was shocked to find out that the shunt they had placed in her brain at a very young age was meant to expire and be replaced more than twenty years ago. The fact that this never happened is a miracle to doctors in the know. In essence, my brother concluded that God granted her extra decades. Decades that she spent lifting up almost everyone she came in contact with. Through many trials and uphill climbs, she always managed to make someone take note of her heart... and by extension, their own. Sh*t... it's hard to even write this. 

Folks, what many call "death" is a part of life and although the body may not endure... our design is eternal. The transitions rearrange everything into new orders and we who remain are left to live out those new orders for the acts that are meant to follow. We breathe, we stand, we walk. All with a fresh understanding. An understanding that reveals just how beautiful life and love should be. Why? Because we are reminded that all we have and all we know can leave us at any time. So why not stop taking them for granted. Embrace your love... love on those you care about. Embrace your purpose and endeavor to leave a mark that outlasts even what man calls death. Some speed up this time living a reckless life but there are those that are able to live it well and when their time comes, they and everyone around them can say with a heavy heart: "ok... goodbye... till we meet again". I'm out...

~moses apollo

Everything...

 

Somewhere, there's speaking, it's already coming in

Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind

You never could get it unless you were fed it

Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks

Past the places where you used to learn

You howl and listen, listen and wait for the

Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you and you don't know why

You're waiting for someone to put you together

You're waiting for someone to push you away

There's always another wound to discover

There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight and watch it unwind

It's only what you're asking for

And you'll be just fine with all of your time

It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island, into the highway

Past the places where you might have turned

You never did notice, but you still hide away

Anger of angels who won't return

He's everything you want, he's everything you need

He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be

He says all the right things at exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you, and you don't know why

I am everything you want, I am everything you need

I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be

I say all the right things at exactly the right time

But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

And I don't know why

Why?

I don't know...

~vertical horizon

yes... I will admit being wounded... but there is not an inkling of doubt that I am stronger today than I've ever been before. all the more prepared to receive everything... I've been praying for. this is the way with me my loves...

~moses apollo apolinaris