OH!!! To be strong...

I was told tonight..."I wish I could be as strong as you..." by someone I have emulated my own example of strength from.  Oh how that made me feel.  Makes me wonder though.  Am I strong because I don't mind pain?...my threshold is high.  Or am I strong because I choose to never run away from a challenge?...I can be stupid like that.  In either case, yes...I am a strong man.  I choose to keep believing even when others won't.  I choose to love even after all evidence has vanished and I choose to keep pressing on even after the brick wall in front of me has been fortified.

All I know is that the reason I was called strong, the very thing people see me as strong for doing...has me in pain.  A pain I didn't expect to last this long.  I know the reasons for the pain and I also know there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it.  I must suffer through it and pray it passes in time.  I will do so even as the new level in my evolution takes shape.  I will be better...it will be obvious.  In the meantime...let the tears fall and the suffering continue if need be.  I would rather suffer as a lonely king than suffer humiliation at the hands of someone that believes they're cute because they "get away" with sh*t.  My value is way to high to suffer bullsh*t...especially of that kind.

So a little advice...always think in terms of "what will I be willing to overlook?" when it comes to choosing a mate because the truth is everyone you meet will find a way to disappoint you.  It's only a matter of time and gravity of said disappointment.  Will you be able to look past their "desiginated by you, flaw" or is it enough to break the deal?...try to find out early folks.  A bit of wisdom from an old soul with lots of disappointment under his belt.  Let that be one of the many guidelines in your selection process...I'm out...

Breathe Again...

Ahhhhh...
I have played the part
I have all but lost my soul
And I have sacrificed for what it’s worth I just don’t know
In the silence of my heart
There is a distant call
Yeah...
It beckons me to stand apart.

So I set out on my own
Just to breath again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end
Where I'm free to breathe again

Ohhh...
Through the suffering through the misery and pain
Never anything but the will to see the day
Yeahh...
When the promise might be born
Light the spark within
Yeahh...
Cause I can’t take it anymore.

So I set out on my own
Just to breath again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end
Well I’m free to breathe again.

Well I am free to roam
And set out on my own
To rise above the hands that try to hold me down
Before the end
I know I’ll breathe again to find my way

So I set out on my own
Just to breath again
Touch the light that calls me home
Just to reach the end
I’m leaving today... [x3]

A Touch Of Me...

Come here and let me look at you.  Whisper to me your name so I can't hear it.  Mouth the words of love so that it's for you alone.  Come...show me.  Let me see your skin, my touch to calm you deep within a soul so heavy with care.  Let me close my eyes to feel your thighs and just imagine the wet between.  My mouth to water at such a thought...for care, for lust, for love with sweat, the wet we beget from skin on skin, the pain and pleasure...from deep within.  I see glimpses of my dream in candlelight.  The night, it hides in plain sight as I feel you even now.  How?  I can see you and where your hand is going as I am sowing...as I am planting.  You are panting and your heart is racing.  Your hand is mine...your wet...my saliva.  My whispered tone is deep...as you are now.  As I will be soon...

Imagine For A Moment...

You have been scaling a wall that needs scaling.  Sticking your bloodied fingers into any groove you can to make it to the top.  Now imagine yourself doing that wearing a backpack full of rocks.  Time to drop the backpack...

When you have something of importance and great value to you that has run it's current course, you examine the variables and make emotional preparations based on what information you have available.  This is so it's transition or end would be smooth.  I tried to the best of my ability to do this and I miscalculated what would happen.  I prepared myself for a rosie outcome that never materialized.  Why?  Stated words and solid love.  Yet I forgot that humans are duplicitous and that repeated words without action are signals pointing towards an unstable heart.  I trusted that love would be enough but for some people...it really doesn't mean sh*t.  I do not under any circumstance say this in bitterness or anger but just as a matter of fact.  I expected more from someone that I should not have.  I should have expected this outcome...it was just something I didn't want to accept.  I desperately wanted to believe that everything said was real.  That all that was professed would make a great story in the end...it didn't happen.  Instead, when my expected aftermath began to take unexpected turns revealing the sham of what was before, I crumbled under the weight of it all...almost drowning in sorrow.  Hating the very feelings that kept me locked in.  Hating even myself for falling so hard.  My seasoned mind should have seen it and even though it did...my heart would not easily let go.  For me...it was real.

So what does this mean?  It just means that I am accepting what is.  My ego would not allow me to accept  the fact..."I was wrong".  You can love with the heart of a poet.  You can trek accross numerous state lines to see the one you love for just a brief moment or two...even just for a kiss.  You can present someone as your all and shower them with care and attention.  Folks, if it doesn't come back to you from the object of your passion...train yourself to step backwards.  Do not delude yourself into thinking that what you are doing is making a difference in the heart of another...unless you see it with your own eyes.  It's not bleak or depressing...just realty.

For those that read this blog.  I can tell you that this is my therapy and that because I have isolated myself from most, bearing my soul this way is my way of telling those going through the same thing..."you're not alone".  There is someone just as f*cked up as you are out there and guess what?  It's all just human...it's all just life.  It's how we make it through that makes us who we are.  I own my sadness, my grief, my confusion and ultimately...my resolution...my resolve.

The Journeyman

On his way to perfection the king stopped to ponder the end of his journey.  What good will the outcome do anyone but himself?  "What good is it all if I can't make you smile?" says the king.  "What good are my strong arms without one to hold?"..."What good is my wealth without one to sustain?"  "What good is a heart without..."  "I'll figure it out on the way" says the king.  Knowing all the while this journey has no end...he continues...with a smile... 

It's Ok...

To really admit that one is sad.  When you have no pressing matters for the morrow.  No clues to piece together...nothing to solve.  Just a mind gone free with nothing but time...it really is ok isn't it.  It isn't weak, it isn't stifling...just really really human.  It makes me smile to write about how sad I feel...it makes me happy to know that in the midst of all the darkness I'm surrounded by, my inner man can still see beauty in something...even in sadness.  Oh how human, oh how beautiful it is to feel something other than urgency, suspense or frustration.  Count your blessings folks...and smile.  I am sad.  This man feels and acknowledges just how incomplete he really is...and it's ok.

A beautiful friend spoke to me of love today...one I havent seen in a while...

"Have me" says the king.  "Have me for dinner, have me for breakfast...and then awaken to find your dinner laying beside you.  So very still...and ready"..."Have me" whispers the king as the tear of solice gently hits his pillow... 

What a dream...a beautiful dream turned horrid nightmare.  What makes it a nightmare?  The fact that I had to wake up to a harsh reality... it was all just a dream.

As A Child...

1 Corinthians 13:11

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

Wow, what a day.  My son turned 16 today and my youngest is headed to high school in a few short months.  We had a good time today but it hit me hard...they are becoming men.  Men, that like their father, are like mules...stubborn as sh*t.  The hearts they carry are soft enough to make women swoon and strong enough to make men take notice.  They are Alphas and whats worse is that they wear it on their sleeves...also...like their father.  To raise such takes a heavy combination of compassion, understanding, street smarts and love.  I pray God give me all that in abundance.  My pride as a father has no ceiling when it comes to them.  They have shown me that even in error, they are still men of conscience and character...something I have focused my energy to instill.  Something that has been my desire in prayers for many years.  Now they take new steps on new levels.  Levels that will require more of their manhood.  Levels that will challenge them and help them configure these new levels of maturity...in every aspect.

Now, onto the topic at hand...

Paul spoke these words in the context of love.  Yet they reverberate in every context.  He described love as nothing short of surrender.  Where for the sake of love, all is forgiven, all is tolerated...all is OK.  That if one could reach that level of love, he or she would be able to match the love Christ displayed on the cross; to sacrifice oneself for the sake of loving another...even when they completely reject you.  I know this love...at least I can say with the purest sincerity...that I understand it.  I have loved this way only to find heartache and exhaustion in the end.  Sometimes worth it but sometimes...not.  This is why to "love" for me is more than mere butterflies and poetry...there must be maturity and an associated value for it to flourish.  The Don Juan's of this world throw that word around as much as the word "and" but I have learned that one must be careful if it's real.  Even more so to take even greater care that it's not given away cheap.  As a child I fell in love with every girl I went out with.  As a man, I found that there are in fact different reasons why attraction would set in and that not every goose bump means anything losing sleep over.  The emotionally immature individual is one that is easily blown away into thinking they are in love or "connected".  When it comes to gamers, these are the easiest marks.  They think that every "feeling" of attraction is one worthy of exploration...even if they already have someone they are committed to.  The emotionally mature individual understands that emotions can easily be influenced by environment and circumstance.  They examine what they are feeling and if truly committed, their "struggle" ends quickly.  They can be in a room with someone of the opposite sex they are really "feeling" and still keep all the doors shut.

When I was married, I ran into many attractive women that saw my marriage as a minor inconvenience that the "heat of the moment" could overcome.  Problem was, I was what my sister once described as "REALLY married".  I found them attractive and had chemistry with a few...but that was as far as it went.  I knew the places, phrases and topics to avoid and I did my best not play with my marriage or ever put it at risk.  It had great value to me and I handled it with the care of an adult.  Why?  because it takes the responsibility of an adult to truly love someone.  To truly love someone and claim exclusivity means that they are it...you look no further nor are pursuits welcomed.  You are now responsible for making sure that your emotional investment is handled correctly.  Training yourself to know and understand that because of that love and stated commitment, everything else that presents itself as an "option" is a mirage that stems from your human need of "self".  A child wants whatever he or she wants without thought of what it would mean to possess what they desire.  To possess another under the banner of love means that you are now responsible for the very heart given you and that is not something anyone should take lightly.  No matter how appealing the "option", if the love is real...the appeal should not be an issue for anymore than a day.  The emotionally mature understand that it only looks like an oasis because of their vantage point.  Move from that spot and tell me if you still see the same thing...chances are you wont.  To risk what you have declared to be love for something that feels good in the moment is one of the most childish things anyone can do.  Problem is you only find out when it's too late...after the damage has been done.

So please don't throw these three little words around unless they are meant in earnest.  When I love, I love as a man...with sincere passion.  You will hear it my speech, you will feel it in my touch and you will see it by my deeds.  Expecting the same in return and not getting it is one of the most frustrating experiences one could have...believe me I know.  So take great care in where and in whom you invest...make sure they are worth it before uttering those words.  Be mature...be the adult you claim to be.  Love, but love wisely...only investing your love into a heart that will count that precious gift as something worth taking responsibility for.  Believe me when I tell you...real love is not something readily available today.  When you find it, it's worth fighting for...I'm out... 

"Fall Has Come..."

Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love

I tried to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go

[Chorus:]
Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?

[Chorus]

And when I'm gone
Who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?

I can't go on
And let you lose it all
It's more than I can take
Who'll ease your pain?
Ease your pain

[Chorus:]
Who is gonna save you when I'm gone?
Who'll watch over you?
Who will give you strength when you're not strong.
Who'll watch over you when I've gone away?

Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone

You know, I initially just posted this song without the lyrics or any explanations but I must say that of all the moments I've thought to attribute this song to, none is more fitting than my last experience.  Fall came and went...winter is here now.  Never thought it would actually happen...but it has... 

A Little Bit Of Amazing...

There are people in this world that are real and those that are not.  This I've detailed ad nauseam.  When the real ones tell you they care...they show you with tenacious action.  If they see you about to drive off a cliff, they get in the car with you because they know that's the only way to stop you from doing it.  They know if you're gonna hurt yourself, you don't want to take anyone else with you...much less them.  They know and trust your heart.  They'll fight the losing battle with you just so you won't be alone.  These are the people God brings to your side to reveal Himself in man.  Of these in my life, I can count them on one hand and I feel they deserve more than I have given them...that day will surely come.  Bless them if you can recognize them.  Honor them if you can see them.  They are in fact...a little bit of amazing... 

Changes...

Aloof, cold, distant, quiet, pensive...calculating.  All the time, plotting, calculating.  Thinking about fighting through every circumstance where nothing is impossible...where nothing is too hard.  "Push through it" says the king with the little "k".  Thinking and pushing...there is no longer any room for you.  No time to gaze into your eyes and wonder what a lifetime in them would feel like.  No room to feel the softest hand run down his naked back...no place for tenderness or feeling.  Sinking deep into this black...writing this down is the only way he can keep his head above these waters.  If he sinks to the very bottom, he may never come back up...