For As Long As I Can...

I'm a fool to want you

I'm a fool to want you

To want a love that can't be true

A love that's there for others too

I'm a fool to hold you

Such a fool to hold you

To seek a kiss, not mine alone

To share a kiss, the devil has known

Time and time again, I said I'd leave you

Time and time again, I went away

But then would come the time when I would need you

And once again, these words I'll have to say

Take me back, I love you, pity me, I need you

I know it's wrong, it must be wrong

But right or wrong, I can't get along

Without you

~billie holiday

after she sang, she looked out into the smoke-filled room and saw him sitting off to the side, drinkin his "Old Fashioned" like the creature of habit he was. she ran off the stage to greet him and sat on his lap... planting a full set of butterfly kisses all over his face. "did you like the song sweetheart?!?". after takin a sip of his drink and settin it down easy, he said "yeah baby i dug it. you sang it sweet-like and you know i dig it when you sing sweet-like. can i ask you a question? was that about me?" sheepishly, with a bit of a sigh, she responded "i mean, sorta, but i ain't unhappy. i just wish i was... what we have would make more sense if i was". drawing her in closer and looking directly into her eyes he said "true love is for fools, poets and those willing to find deep value where they can. baby... we are who and what we are and one thing is for damn sure, i'm a blessed man to get to love and be loved by a woman like you... right now and for as long as i can. if you can live with that... love with that... then so can i"

~moses apollo

THAT... Is Love...

"her eyes were different. in shape, in design and above all else... i would swear they could see right through me. the real me. they seemed to be connected to a beautiful soul... and i gladly fell in love..."

she felt like home most days and sometimes he hated it because in his mind, he had justified wanting to be completely free. for the first time in a very long time, he had actually considered a "part three" that involved two people living together, going to bed together... and waking up to "Good Morning"... with a "good morning". blessed images stowed in memory of vision permeate his soul. hazy flashes of light that crept through a kitchen window as a soft breeze pushed back it's white embroidered curtain. flashes of them laughing together at something too silly for anyone else to comprehend. to then watch them holding hands with eyes closed like two souls in tune with everything around them... standing by a river so still, it could've been mistaken as being frozen in time. yet the most wondrous one for him was watching her up close... reading one of his pieces with amazement, realizing it was about her, as a singular tear made it's way down her pretty face. her fingertips wiping that tear slowly past her lips... to suddenly stop. as though for just that moment, she could taste his lips on her own... 

a world, a life, a love, a passion. not easily erased or dismissed by time, code or choice of road. "placed and misplaced" numerous times over the course of years gone by with nothing to show for it but that which matters most: a love housed for eternity that uses the phrase "no matter what" in the most beautiful of ways. yeah... he owns that as one of the most important reference points he has towards the reality of true love. the kind that exists outside of time and circumstance. beyond the "order of things" and outside any and all labels men have created for safety's sake. he has come "to believe"... without fear. without need of ownership or control. without requirements that stifle or suffocate all natural born potential to experience life and all its' purposed pain and glory. with only the wanting and longing to be close enough to share breath. THAT... is love...   

~moses apollo

The Watchmen That Walk...

"stay with me, don't let me go

because there's nothing left at all

stay with me, don't let me go

until the ashes of Eden fall..."

imagine for a moment, this person come up to you and says "write this on the wall behind you":

"please don't... you are loved. go back home, they're waiting for you and they have what you've been waiting for..."

and because this person has never been wrong or let you down before... you do as He says and go on with your life. one year passes and you meet up with a friend you've been hangin with just about every week for years. you're both walkin as you normally do and wind up at that wall. the same wall you wrote on and the same wall you both must've passed by about hundred times since you were told to write on it. your friend suddenly turns around, reads it, tears up and says with a sense of immediacy... "i think i have to go home now" and runs off. you wonder what the hell happened and turn around to see that what you wrote a whole year earlier... must've been for him and for that very moment. you get chills but it ain't nothin new for you. he'll tell you later that he had actually been contemplating suicide and that he had been waiting for an important letter that had just come in that very day. he'll tell you that had he not read that message on that wall, it would've been the last time you ever saw him. you don't tell him it was you if you can avoid it... you don't want him to see you any differently. sometimes... you just have no choice when it comes to saying or writing what you were told to say or write. just the way it is. 

trust and obedience. no matter how foolish you look or if it makes no sense in the moment... one day, it just does. that is the way of the Watchmen that walk... anyway... I'm out

~moses apollo

The Garden...

he called it the digital cathedral. the last time he was here, he was a younger man feeling his way through. meeting like-minded souls looking for something new, something old and something rare. looking... for an "overtaking" by something so familiar... it would spring his heart anew.

yet this time, he walked in as a seasoned man. rich in spirit... not needing a thing but all and still... looking to see what, if anything, would call to him. among the artifacts on display were pieces he's seen before. just as beautiful and rare as he remembered. reveling in all the emotions they engendered that welled up inside of him, he made his way to its' center. this place was called the garden and in this place were souls like unto his own. just looking for something more beautiful than themselves... something more profound to house in their hearts memory. a place that displayed every shade of beauty imaginable for every taste and niche... and there she was. a woman seemingly so perfect in view... he could not take his eyes off of her. her face could be best described as "sweet" and her body... a work of art so divine in shape and grace, it could only have been created to adore. 

mesmerized yet unfazed, he marveled... perplexed. wondering if she was in fact... real. to his amazement... she was. as he sat near her before a bed of flowers, he began to see other men gather round her, seemingly just as perplexed as he was. only they didn't come for the artifacts. no... they came for her. they did their best to shower her with compliments and gifts. each one more common than the last and they soon became a spectacle to behold for him. understanding their desire to possess her but knowing this was no more than a base need. something... he wasn't there for. he was blessed to simply sit by and observe. watching how all this attention became so common place for her that it drove her to the point of boredom. she'd perform feats of strength and contortion to amuse herself and while others fawned over everything she did, he would just raise a glass, quietly clap and say "well done"... something she began to notice. some thought he was playing a game of sorts to spark her interest but this was simply the way he was. you see, he'd never seen anything this close to what he considered perfection before and all he wanted to do... was understand the why of her. where she came from, why the sweetness of her eyes carried such an amount of weight and where did she acquire the understanding that the power she had to entice wasn't enough to satisfy the need she had to reach the heights of a potential only a few were privy to. he knew that such seemingly hidden angst signaled an uncommon depth and little by little, they became closer without even trying. the closer they got, the more he understood the pain of her past and the unspoken desire to become more than just a showpiece for so many.

and as they spoke, he watched her. he watched her body as she moved in spontaneous joy at being able to be herself and he watched her face stiffen serious every time she spoke about her childhood. he "saw" her... and was all the better for it. in all this, he was also well aware that had they entertained anymore time together, they'd eventually have to leave the garden but alas... she just wasn't ready yet. although the story continued, what he learned about himself in all this would serve him all the more going forward. 

he learned that a purity had in fact taken hold inside of him. one that allowed him to see more than beautiful eyes, shape and skin... that facilitated his mastery of lust and carnal desire as best as any human could. he saw that these were now at his beck and call as powerful tools but were not independent enough to govern him as they did most men. he found himself blessed to be one step closer to the formidable stoic man he'd always wanted to be. he saw how beautiful she was and how every man lusted after all they deemed impressive with good reason. yet for him, it was akin to witnessing the most beautiful home he'd ever seen... and he just wanted to know who lived inside. for him... that meant something profound. it was a testament to a truth he had always believed... 

that a man without the control of self... could never be worthy enough... to call himself a man...

~moses apollo

Quick Word For The "Men"...

"ain't that a man..."

I've been "inspired" to say something to the "men"... a quick background first:

As everyone that has read this blog knows, I was married before. Married for 17 years in fact and my ex and I today remain "family" after decades of being divorced. We are THAT cool. Our relationship evolved into its familiar bond due to our split being amicable and also due to the fact that we are both emotionally mature human beings that know how to appreciate what is valuable in life. Some have insisted that due to the way we are, we'd be getting back together. We try to tell folks it's not the case but even after close to over 20 years being this way, they still persist in believing that. Projection at it's finest folks... but that ain't my issue. When we first got together in our teens, there was a season of "breaking in." The kind that involves meeting family and friends. Family and friends that would often be so protective of me that NO ONE was ever good enough. I learned early on, that there were things that needed to happen to cement my independence as a man and one of them... was learning how to set folk straight when it came to who I was choosing to be with at any given time. It all started with my then girlfriend soon to be wife.

They didn't accept her right away so they would at times throw in-directs and be dismissive of her even though she was in the same room... making her feel bad in the process. At about 17/18 years old, I had to have a "talk" with them explaining my stance on the matter. As a man, it was my duty to set the guidelines and boundaries. I was NOT about to let anyone disrespect my woman in or out of my presence. If they were to persist, I just wouldn't bring her around anymore and they'd just have to see less of me. Not out of pride or bravado, but out of principle. Men... you must make it clear, without being disrespectful or disagreeable (unless it keeps happening... been there too) that your space is your space and who you decide to spend time with is your choice and must be respected. Not in the spirit of an either/or because family is family but in the spirit of respect. If you are honored among your family... they will comply. If not... you're gonna have to start changing that. It only means you've been a child for far too long. If this hasn't happened yet and you are in your 30's or 40's... all i can say is "damn". Change it... grow a set and do what you need to do for both yourself and your lady.

Ladies, quick word of advice. If you notice that your "man" seems to be hiding you without there being a real world understanding (or mutual arrangement) as to why... something you don't know about is usually going on. Some "men" will use the "family won't accept you" bit to keep you from seeing (or noticing) something they don't want you to. If that has continued longer than you're comfortable with... be very leary. Folks, if I'm serious about someone I think I'm gonna have something substantial with, I'm letting my people know and it's gonna be public if called for. Now some of you have noticed that I make no bones about who I speak to on social media. I hide nothing and I know that any woman I speak to (platonic or not) will check my history to find out I speak to many women. That does NOT mean I'm interested in them all that way but I am a single man and am VERY upfront about my love for love and beautiful things... yes, that definitely includes women. The difference between me and the assh*le is that unless discretion is called for by the women (usually goes without saying) you will know and see it ALL. You can even ask me about it. I will never lie about anything because I have nothing to lie about... I'm a man that is extremely transparent. My honor will not allow me to go full CAD because that would involve lying to women I respect and insulting their intelligence. In other words, with me, they will always have an informed choice. My code does not allow for anything else. A lot of these boys pretend to be platonic online for the sake of appearances and wind up sending dick-pic DM's. I speak and somewhat flirt with many openly online but only rarely will I ever DM anyone. I only do so if there is a familiarity or if I find it urgent and NEVER will I send a dick pic... not my style unless we gettin hot and heavy and a request for one is made. So if we are dm'ing and I find you attractive, you are either becoming (or have become) a friend or I see you as a future probability. In that vein, be advised that everyone I DM currently fits in two hands (including business and friend groups). 

So you might ask, why am I explaining all this? Because I live what I speak. How I choose to live my life carries with it the weight of credibility. I am not a gamer, a fraud or a hypocrite and when I speak on these subjects, there is always a reason. Men... REAL men... do right by your women!! Whether you have a few or one... don't let them ever feel disrespected by family or friends. Even when they mean well, it's a sh*tty way to be and it's YOUR job to let them know it. I'm out...

~moses apollo

He Got What He Wanted...

"Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.

Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody tuesday.

Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.

I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob..."

she'd walk past him several times a day... never sayin a word. just a quick glance and a half cut smile said it all. she was interested and dug what she saw. she may have wanted to know more but she was one of these "in demand" chicks that hardly ever made the first move. too cute, too special and too fine not to be chased. only problem was that the boys unafraid to do the chasin... had no clue how to handle her once she stopped runnin. sure they dug her face but that body was too bangin to focus on anything above her neck and if they ever managed to get any further than "psst" or the fake gentleman act, they'd fall all over themselves trying to maintain a spectrum of masks to keep her interested. the fear of losing her before the deal was sealed engendered these acts of desperation and fakery. too nice, too dismissive... always playin a game. exhausting as hell but she had to "get got." just to be able to say... "look what i could do" and after the load was blown... they'd leave her wonderin what she did wrong... and all alone. 

this cat she was interested in was not the same. it wasn't that he was better... he was just different. he knew that no matter how fine she was or how bangin her body... she was a human being. heart to heart is what he wanted. knowing that if he went this route first, everything else would be so much sweeter. no masks, no games and no agendas. if she didn't like the real him, he'd just move on knowing he saved himself a lot of pain and energy and she'd know he respected her enough not to be wastin her time. yeah... it was easy. one human talkin to another. no flash, no need to impress... authenticity was the only thing on the menu... and that threw her for a loop. she was so used to reacting to the textbook, now it was her that had no clue how to handle HIM. 

on the first night of intimacy, she was taken aback by how he just lay beside her naked body with eyes closed, as his hand slid across her form. where most men looked to dig in, he knew to chew slow and digest everything right. she had no idea that he was taking in, by feel alone, what he sincerely considered to be Gods greatest artistic creation. how every bump, curve, and dimple was there for a reason, and it was his way to want to not just possess it in the moment... but to understand it as well. to then culminate in accessing her erogenous zones so that he can see what she looked like in ecstasy for himself. something that brought him immense pleasure. to him, this was a form of inspiring creation. imagine the beauty of inspiring the wind to blow or moving a glorious mountain to quake. to see the beauty of it meant that he was a part of the whole, fulfilling his role in the cycle of beauty's design. seemingly far-fetched or too good to be true, she couldn't accept that explanation and just considered it a kink she was more than happy to live with. he didn't care that she didn't believe his reasons but knew that this was a sign of someone that had been lied to so many times, that anything outside of the ordinary, good or bad... would understandably be considered a red flag. he also knew this meant that he'd either have to continuously re-assure her or accept an eventual end. a pre-emptive end that would come from her thinking that he would be leaving anyway.

in the end, it was as he imagined, but he rode the love the whole way through. it eventually evolved into something else as most things do, and to say they both learned about each other and themselves in the process is an understatement. yet in all this, he feels what satisfies him the most was a conversation they had. she said that after a while, she came to understand and accept that he never ran a game on her. that he was actually all he said he was, oddball and all... and that she was grateful for that. as far as what anyone would consider a moment of perfect closure... he got what he wanted.

~moses apollo

Three Voices...

"as I write this letter, send my love to you

remember that I'll always... be in love with you..."

the primal (body) says: why did you serve everyone else more food than you did me? that's not right... 

the mind says (soul) says: it makes sense that I'd get a reasonable portion since she cooked the meals.

the heart says (spirit) says: I am so blessed and grateful to have someone to lovingly prepare me a meal. the least I can do is wash the dishes...

in every human, all three can be heard at any given moment but the voice you entertain the most will always shape and define your character. i thank my Lord i've been able to dismiss the selfish voice more often than not. this allows me to find genuine happiness when things don't go my way but it also allows me to reason through perspectives most have a hard time comprehending. 

we cannot be expected to not intermingle the three when we need to communicate, express or relate but in order to do so without losing control... you must be able to identify each without trying to claim "well that's NOT me". no, all three are you but you are placed in the position to choose which will represent the "you"... you want to be. as an example: intimacy has a range between the primal and the heart... learn the range and it's flow at each setting. it will inform you when the moment calls for the "rip your clothes off" hard f*ck and the love making session that shares a heartbeat. in all things, don't be a "one-note". amp up the self-awareness of all you are and be all that the moment requires you to be... you're welcome ;-)

what? you thought this would be something sweet-like? or airy? Valentines Day is as much everyday for me as is Thanksgiving my beautiful people. i need no holiday to tell me to love or to be grateful. don't hate em... just don't need em. hopefully what i wrote here can help you in other ways. if applied... it always will. i'm out...

~moses apollo

PS: "i love you..." ;-)

The Watchman Chronicles...

"and i don't want the world to see me..."

in a haze he looked and saw her elated. the sun shone bright where she was and she was holding a bouquet of flowers a man had just given her. you could see her beautiful face believed... as a sense of peace from relief had made its way into her core...

in panorama the camera pans behind her as the man that gave her the flowers slowly walks backwards and makes his way out the kitchen door... heading towards his car in a hurried pace.

suddenly the scene shifts to where his car winds up. far from where she was but in a place very "familiar" to him. there is no sun and there is no haze... only a Technicolor vision of the man getting out of his car, walking in slow motion towards the trunk and pulling out a pot of flowers. he looks around and heads towards a door, looks around before heading inside and disappears into an apt building where another woman awaited his arrival.

back at the first house, the first woman is seen throwing the bouquet that was given to her onto the floor as she doubles over from the pain. in tears she mouths the words "but why?!?" and suddenly, a strong feeling hits the man watching this all unfold. the pain, the hurt, the disillusionment and the feeling of "why does this keep happening?" washed over him as though he took some of it so she wouldn't have to suffer the brunt of it all. eyes welled up a bit and he found himself doubling over as he did one time before. "please don't let this be real Lord... please" he pleaded. "she cannot take any more of this..." and for the next few seconds... the feeling lingered on. a feeling that left him stunned and perplexed as to why...

someday he'll know it all but even if he doesn't... he knows that reasons are not always a prerequisite to purpose and that sometimes "purpose" without glory... doesn't always require a "why".

and all this to say: "your heart is being held and protected... you are loved, cared for and watched over"... I'm out

~moses apollo 

"Like Water", She Said...

"...imagine a love so..."

she would step outside her lake house with her favorite cup in hand to pour him out into the water... whispering something sweet into her cupped hand every time she did. "till next time my love"... she would whisper with her eyes tenderly shut. misty-eyed in a cloud of sadness... but with a sense of purpose at heart every time. knowing... it's where he needed to be to continue being the soul she fell in love with. after the last drop fell from her beautiful hand, in an instant, she would dive in to transform into water herself as she was in fact... the same. she never knew it until she met him... & although the time they spent together was better served as transients... their love would only grow stronger as time passed on, whether they swam alone or in another's cup. always reforming at a lake house when the want called to them. to talk, to walk & to bed... to live, to hold & to love.

oh how he loved that he could be everything he needed to be with her. with or without the ownership most found safety in, he was certain of her love & desire for him & for her it was the same. it was always clear from both their ends. always speaking plain of their love & desire for each other without fear or the gamesmanship that plagued the day. they could be who they were & it was that openness that kept everything fresh & living. loving like poets... unafraid to feel the pain of longing or the risk of hurting over loss. trusting their hearts & what they meant to each other. it was just... "easy" & in their love, what was deemed temporal found a home in the eternal.

"like water" she said. here one day, one week or even one month... gone the next, but always sweetly tethered & ready to refit into any configuration through the force of love alone. meeting every time like it was the first time. like old friends needing to catch up in every way imaginable... picking up exactly where they left off like no time had passed at all. it was magic & the "meant to be" you just couldn't reason away. where the morrow held no sway & the moment had its way... it was love. and so it went...

"but alas... this is just a story... or is it?"

~moses apollo

Pools Of Sorrow, Waves Of Joy...

"Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup.

They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind.

Possessing and caressing me..."

I find myself very tired tonight... but I can finally see a quantifiable finish line. One that means the beginning of a new chapter... a chapter that will allow me to begin prepping for projects whose end will see projects of their own. A chapter that will allow me to sail free on the wind. Yet not the kind of wind so many have been deceived and ultimately dejected by... the reckless, aimless, empty kind. No, but the kind of wind that has purpose, meaning and engenders the truest, purest passion that speaks into the depths of body & soul. Choosing to live without settling, to love beyond the boundaries imposed by men and to sail into destinations that have no set course. To love my family, my loves and passion. All the while standing upright before my Lord... whose has made the heart I have possible in a world now alien to it.

In melancholic tones, to say "goodbye" or "see you later"... will no longer be up to me. I just know one or the other will be said to quite a few in different ways. For those who may say "well you've said this before"... I have and to those I say "I guess you'll just have to find out on your own" ;-) No, with more pieces getting added to the puzzle, I know it's almost time... much love my beautiful people.

~moses apollo

PS: Just an FYI, I'll be posting a "final" piece when it's time folks :-)

Private Emotion...

 

Every endless night has a dawning day

Every darkest sky has a shining ray

And it shines on you, baby, can't you see

You're the only one who can shine for me

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight

And a silence falls between us

As the shadows steal the light

And wherever you may find it

Wherever it may lead

Let your private emotion come to me

(Come to me, come to me)

Come to me

When your soul is tired and your heart is weak

Do you think of love as a one way street

Well, it runs both ways, open up your eyes

Can't you see me here, how can you deny, oh

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight

And a silence falls between us

As the shadows steal the light

And wherever you may find it

Wherever it may lead

Let your private emotion come to me

(Come to me, come to me)

Every endless night has a dawning day

Every darkest sky has a shining ray

It takes a lot to laugh as your tears go by

But you can find me here 'til your tears run dry

That's a private emotion that fills you tonight

And a silence falls between us

As the shadows steal the light

And wherever you may find it

Wherever it may lead

Let your private emotion come to me

Let your private emotion come to me

Let your private emotion come to me

Come to me, come to me

~ricky martin

...

All Over Again...

there are songs that grace my ears

there are scents that ride the breeze

there are whispers that reverberate my soul 

they all remind me of you

consider the comfort of dew... how it greets the fields in the morning. 

consider the glory of dawn... how it blesses the sky in radiant design. 

consider the beauty of you... how you fill my hearts days & nights with joy by your existence alone...

in all that is lovely... i find the outline of your beautiful face...

and with a smile in a restless heart, 

i come to miss you all over again...

~moses apollo