The Truth Of My Mood...

"So what does it mean if I tell you to go fuck yourself

Or if I say that you're beautiful to me

It's affection always..."

Sometimes you're feelin good.  Sometimes you're just ok.  Tonight I really don't know and I don't give a damn which means I'm just...alright.  Ready to accept whatever comes my way as great or good enough.  For great will give me something wonderful and good enough will teach me something valuable.  Ready to pick it up or set it down.  Ready to shoulder a tear or welcome a laugh.  Whatever comes, tonight I care not.

I see it all and still choose to walk in pits of fire stoked by the specific.  I see it all and walk in fields of roses meant for my ease by life itself.  I know how to get here but it takes feeling it all.  Something that way too many are afraid to do.  The exhaustion of emotion is key in finding mental neutrality.

My uncles funeral is tomorrow night.  There will be tears and laughter.  Poise in pain and of course...hidden anguish with a little regret mixed in.  I know he found his peace but I pray that at least he get to see how many actually loved him among this impromptu reunion held in his honor...

I also found out that a wonderful soul has lost her fight with cancer.  I didn't know her that well.  I met her on Facebook through our love of poetry.  She had asked me if I wanted to do a show featuring spoken word artists.  I said no but the fact that she saw something in me is enough to write something about her here.  Nicole Miller AKA Noe Stradamus...may you rest in peace...

So what is the truth of my mood?  "Cigarettes After Sex" plays my soundtrack tonight and I'm alright...

~Moses Apollo   

Under The Light Of My Moon - A Poem by Moe

She is pretty as I am blessed.  For "she" has come to find her rest under the light of my moon.  She with me, me with she and all we need to be under our own contemplative complex heaven.  Miles apart we meet up high for the best of ourselves to burn into...to learn into.  Embraced and soulishly laced standing naked in a burning pyre of digital pages written at stages of depth under a moonlit sky revealing and stealing our weight.  Fate revealing her core.  Opening my door for her to see more.  Revealing the true floor of me and eventually...the so much more of me...

Under the light of my moon...

~Moses Apollo

The Pendulum Day...

What a beautiful and crazy ass ride is this thing called life.  The first half of your day is spent listening to angels and the other half is spent telling demons to shut the fuck up.  The demons don't bug you that much because they got to you too late.  Had they shown up early, they might've had a bigger impact...

My uncle Carlos passed on to be with the Lord and I found out later in the day.  At the time of this writing, I'm a bit confused because I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to feel.  It's 5:05 AM and I guess I stood up waitin on some epiphany that never came.  I mourned his loss when I knew he had decided it was best for him to leave and although I may not agree with his decision not to fight his ailments, I have no choice at this very moment but to accept it.  A fool's hope remained so long as he was breathing but now that he's gone, my only hope is that we all see the lesson left by his passing.

When I get to learn...I'll let you know.  For now?  To the task at hand...

~Moses

Any Given Day...

"I read the news today, oh boy..."

I love this song because of it's clever juxtaposition between the title and the lyrics.  "A Day In The Life" is basically saying that on any given day, good will happen and so will bad.  Between those two extremes...it's just another day.  You're still breathing.  You're still alive...and so am I boys and girls...I'm out

~Moses

Waterman's Wait - A Short Story by Moe

Waterman...you'd think him just a guy from Brooklyn.  His tastes, eclectic and rare.  His home, wherever he laid his soul.  Motivated by life and passion itself, he sought out every plain he could find where his thirst would be satiated and for a time at least...he thought he was nearing an end to discovery...

Walking up a New York street just perusing his surroundings, he came across a bookstore that drew his gaze.  Not for any other reason but what was on display in the window.  A book that was recently published but beautifully weathered and worn.  Walking inside, he noticed that most looked at the cover as it was in fact stunning but picking it up, he noticed something else altogether.  The edges on every page were painted gold.  The scent that emanated from it's coating was that of orchids and a surprising inscription inside written in purple ink that simply read "this is me".

So he apprehensively took the book and sat in the bookstore reading area.  While a few bought the book, this was never his way.  Waterman knew that in every page he could find levels of depth that would always require a lifetime of consecutive reads.  With such rarities, he would take his time at every page.  While most waited for conclusions, he waited on every page considering it to be the next level of discovery.  The next level of reveal.  As though the book itself were allowing him access one beautiful step at a time.  Tentatively acknowledging his worth as the reader.  If he found something on a page that would cause his eyes to turn away, he would have no problem putting it down as he had done many times before but in this case...he found no such cause.  He came to love every level of reveal.

Needless to say, Waterman ventured to that store daily.  He would even come early at times.  Waiting outside for the bookstore to open so he could sit and relish in its' simplistic depth.  Smiling at every turn of page, ever wondering what was next.  Frustrated when he had to put it down.  Yet such frustration had become tempered by a truth he came to understand years ago.  That such priceless works should never be bought or sold as they then become possessions.  Possessions that are then kept under lock and key making sure that none else would see their greatness lest they be stolen.  The book may have been recently published but in it he found a value surpassing it's gracelessly discounted price tag.  He truly believed such things had to be gifted...just as every page had been freely gifted ever since he picked it up.

After his initial reading, he knew that the next level of discovery would be bold but absolutely required.  He came to meet the author at a book signing and since then, just as he waited on every page to allow him access for greater discovery...he gladly waits to see what's next as he turns the page with every text message, with every chance they get to meet and with every smile.

A good and stable read is fine for those that have never had it but Waterman found that even in his time of stability, the only thing that lives and breathes daily...is discovery.  Something profound that can take minutes...or even a lifetime...

~Moses Apollo

Life Worthy Of Existence...

"I am ready, I am ready, I am ready...I am fine..."

What do you tell the terminally ill?  The one's that know their time on earth is short.  Folks that have been told their disease is greater than their will to live.  I've found myself falling short as they leave like a steady faucet drip you just can't shut off.  As a strong man of faith I can admit to you here and now that even the greatest men of faith grow weary when they feel they've said "I'll be praying for you" one too many times but those words are comfort to those that may need to hear them for the first time.

In my years I have seen disease take on many forms.  Disease of the body that you can seek drug treatment for.  Disease of the mind that can be treated with council but it is the disease of the spirit that has always baffled man.  I am one that believes this is the province of God to heal while all we can do is serve as symptom blockers giving what we can as needed in the moment.  Those whose spirits have been broken since very young.  That seek treatment in diversion, dislocation and distress just to be able to feel anything.  To be able to say "I'm alive today.." as they dread what tomorrow will bring.  When all these treatments are exhausted, self destructive behavior becomes the treatment of the day and if you can't see it, you would just think them foolish.  The harsh reality is that they seek death as a welcome friend to end a journey they've come to accept as futile.

I know of one that showed me as a young man what diversion looked like but I never got to see him dislocated or distressed.  Those close to him got to see that steady decline.  To see him in a hospital bed that he should be fighting to get out of, he has decided to become the bed itself.  Deteriorating into skin and bone, waiting for his friend called death.  To a man like myself that is supposed to have many answers, this is jarring.  To see this fall upon someone you care about is heartbreaking and I know I cannot take the world's problems upon my shoulders but sometimes when you're in the fight, you feel as though you can command the universe.

Tonight I am letting it out.  I am allowing myself to feel this helpless feeling and I am leaving it here on this page.  I will pray once more.  I will ask again that my God give him the strength and will to live.  To do all within his will to fight the cancers eating him alive.  To get up out of that bed and see that there is more to life that he has missed.  A woman that loves him enough to stand by him even now.  Two sons that will need him even as they build their own families and a life of unfulfilled purpose as yet unknown to him.  That giving up is never an option and that no matter what he has been through or witnessed, tomorrow will always provide an opportunity for better.  Ready to live...ready to be just fine.  

Taking on my mantle of faith with command of the universe and all, this is all I can do.  God can appear to him and tell him all He wants him to do but God Himself can never violate free will so the choice is still his.  So in the end my beautiful family and friends, the choice is still and ever shall be...yours.

We can choose to live life or we can choose to die slowly.  Look around you and you will always find more than enough reasons to live.  If you can't?  Start cultivating a life worthy of your existence...pray for my uncle Carlos...

~Moses     

Held - A Poem By Moe

"In honor of Prince...one of my absolute favorites..."

Water still your flower 

With sweet and tender rain

Give up all your power

To work for selfish gain

Open up your hands

To never choke it's soul

For finding better lands

May make it's journey whole  

Empty now the soil 

From hourglass' rule

For moments seldom spoil

When held by such a fool

~Moses

   

Ode To Giving A Shit...

I'm gonna keep it simple.  Men, if your women have a concern?  Hear her out and resolve it if you can.  No matter how small.  No matter how insignificant it may seem.  If she is giving this thing any brain power, make sure you get to it before imagination does.  How many times has it happened to you.  You're about to wash clothes and you find a piece of paper with a man's name on it.  Instead of asking, you automatically get into CSI mode and start trying to figure out who that is.  Never mind the fact that your woman has many pieces of paper with several names on them scattered all over the fuckin place.  This one!!!  This one has to be special because it's in her jean pocket.  The place where all secrets are kept.  Instead of asking, you follow every lead, take blood samples, check underwear, black light the entire house, tap her phone and finally get a PI to follow her around.  You poor pathetic fool lol  All you had to do was ask and if by chance she were fuckin around and you were doing all you needed to?  Eventually the truth will come to light and you will be rid of a headache that didn't appreciate you.  Fuck it...shit happens.  Be sad, lick your wounds and move forward...

Now, imagine your woman under the same circumstances.  All she needs is "I saw the way you looked at her" and it's off to the races.  Now it may seem as though I'm telling you to listen to every concern for your sake alone but because men are practical by nature I am presenting it this way but your motive should always be because you want to ease her mind.  For the most part men will feel angered at such a prospect but women will feel way worse as they tie emotion into everything.  If you love her, take every concern and do your best to give her the reassurances she needs.  Just make sure you actually give a shit and if you can't resolve it because it doesn't have anything to do with you then do your best to help if you can.  If you find that you can't then patiently wait it out.  She may have insecurities...deal with it.  She may have a bleak past....deal with it.  She may be going through something that has nothing to do with you but you are feeling its effects...deal with it.  Just be a man...and deal with it.  You knew all this goin in so why should it bother you now?  Love's instinct is to truly care and not simply brush things off by the time of the month or calling it unnecessary  drama.  If you love her...give a shit...I'm out

~Apollo

Welcome To Me...

"I knew a man who got lost in the big dark blue...and came out alive..."

You come here for honesty right?  Well let me give you some.  I know many find it honorable when someone self-deprecates and reveals faults but when do you ever acknowledge your strengths?  When can you claim all the good that everyone sees in you without allowing it to go to your head?  Say thank you and move on knowing these things to be true all the while accepting the fact that there will always be room to grow into "better".  That's what will always separate the men from the boys....the women from the girls...the ordinary from the extra-ordinary.  The idea that you never have to settle for the little your environment provided.  That you can create something great within the construct given to you at birth.  Eventually cracking the mold created for you.  Watching your new branches expand outward from the cracks in the pot you were planted in...becoming something new altogether.  Something unrecognizable to friends and family that can take it as something good or bad.  Something that should never be a factor in anything you decide to do for your growth.  In time, they will see and come to appreciate all you've become...or not.

So who am I?  I have been a student, a disciple, a preacher, a teacher, a scholar and a husband.  I am a father, a friend, a lover and a counselor.  A nerd that can fix almost technical problem.  A sailor that has seen enough of the world to understand that true diversity is not an American concept.  A soul that knows there are no limits to spiritual, mental or physical development and seeks to maximize each.  A man of solid structure housing a poet anguishing for chaotic passion.  All this in the construct of a man who broke the pot he was planted in a long time ago.  Not a boy that finds peace in doing for himself but the man that finds fulfillment in being able to do for those he loves.  Not a boy that looks to "get off" but the man that finds eternity in another soul through the experience of real intimacy.  Not a boy that relishes in the choices before him but the man that is selective because he knows his worth and understands the emptiness of the game.  Not a boy that sees "baggage" but the man that sees the greatness in the ones that grow even as they carry so much alone.  Welcome to this high rise I call "me".  The foundations are done and so are most of the amenities.  Still needs work but it's definitely livable.  This blog is replete with how I am imperfect which only means I am and always will be...a work in progress...

Call me "different".  Call me an "aberration".  Call me full of shit if it suits you.  I could care less.  Do you know why?  I know who I am...now, who are you?

~Moses Apollo

Cruise Control...

"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink...I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind..."

You know sometimes you go on and on biding your time until the better you're holding out for comes.  You try to keep your mind busy planning and setting things up.  You look at countless houses, cars, furniture and even incidentals that won't add a thing to your "better world".  Waiting for pieces to show that will turn into the better that you had planned for everyone but while you do, you decide to go into a "cruise control" mode.  A mode that allows you to drive straight through to the end without flinching.  Without feeling the time go by so there will never be room for urgency or impatience.  You track it and tell yourself that you're only gonna use twenty percent of your mental energy to catch some scenery along the way.  Eighty percent will stay focused on the road.  Problem is that you have passengers in the car with you that may require more than twenty percent and they soon forget why you're in that mode to begin with...at no fault of their own.  You figure they won't mind because when the better comes, they will understand but most of the time, the road becomes longer and the your desire to stay focused turns into something looking like neglect.  Tonight, I think for the first time, I'm feeling the negative effects of my busy mind and my incessant travel.  I'm so fuckin tired...

  

Pull the fucking car over and remind the one's you love that you're still there.  Otherwise all you meant for their good may turn into something else altogether.

We all have a bright future ahead of us.  Let's make it there without fucking up the present.  Time for some sleep...

~Moses